A Love Soul Deep

by Amber Scott

  I dropped to the floor and began feeling and looking over the surface of the carpet.

  “Sara, what is it? Kim, what happened? Somebody freaking talk to me here.”

  “I knocked. I came in, and she started flipping out. She said that guy was here. Crew? From the bar. Do you remember a guy from the bar?”

  I wanted to kick Kim in the chin and from my crouch plus her sitting position on my bed again, I might be able to do it. But, more than anything, I had to find that locket. “Please be here. Please, please, please.”

  Moira’s face filled my periphery. “Sara, honey. Are you looking for Crew in the carpet?”

  I frowned at her. “What? No. I’m looking for the locket.” Stupid. “I’m fine.” I had to get them out of here. “I just need to sleep. Just tired. Drank too much. I won’t scream anymore. I’ll apologize to Mrs. Devine. I promise. I’ll tell her I thought Kim was an intruder.” She was! “I’ll tell her I had a nightmare.” Still am!

  Something distinctly metal, though soft met my touch. Every cell in my body seemed to sigh. I drew the trinket into my hand and pressed it to my heart. Thank God. I’d found the locket.

  Which meant I could wish Crew back.

  I hoped.

  I stood up and forced my features into an easy smile. “I’m sorry, guys. I don’t know what got into me. Beer makes me a little weird, I guess.”

  “Beer makes you weird?” Kim said, doubt blanketing her tone.

  I gave a sort of circle nod, pressing my lips together in case I told on myself by saying the wrong thing. They eyed me, but finally left.

  I put the chain around my neck and pressed the locket to my lips. “Crew, come back to me! I wish you to come back to me.”

  Nothing.

  “Please, Crew, I wish for you to return to me.”

  I tried a thousand variations and at last, slumped down onto the floor and broke down in tears. I sobbed, the pain racking my chest, my fists to my mouth, fighting to get my sorrow under control.

  I couldn’t believe it was over. Not yet. Not so soon. And yet, I felt shame for not thanking everything magical and holy that he’d actually made it back. I never knew losing him again would hurt so much. I wasn’t sure I would have wished it if I had known.

  All his sweet words replayed in my mind. The images of his eyes, his hands, his mouth, followed. The evidence of our night together stared at me. The empty plates, the dirty glasses. Pie crumbs and pickle juice. I fell asleep there on the floor, clutching the locket.

  When Moira came knocking the next morning, I didn’t want to move.

  “Sara, it’s time to check out, honey.”

  “I’m staying a couple of extra days,” I mumbled, letting Moira help me to a standing position. I immediately went to the bed and crawled under the untouched covers.

  Moira sat next to me. “Hey, want to tell me what happened? Kim said you were talking about Crew, honey.”

  My eyes stung. My chest squeezed the air from my lungs. I nodded weakly. What did it matter now if she knew?

  “Oh, honey. I thought you’d gotten to a good place with Crew’s death.”

  I laughed hollowly. “How can death be a good place?”

  “You know what I meant. I thought you’d healed. What happened to trigger all this?”

  “It was him, Moira. He was here again. It all came back to me. I fell in love with him all over again. Kim barged in, and he vanished. I know it sounds crazy. I thought it was, too. But, there’s evidence. The plates. The glasses. He was here.”

  “Clearly, someone was here.”

  I sat up. “No. Not someone. Him.”

  “Okay, alright. If Crew was here and he’s gone again, maybe we should focus on how amazing that he was here … is.” Her voice had gone soft, that talking-to-a-child kind of tone.

  It scratched at my nerves. “Never mind.” She’d never loved like that. How could she understand? “I’m staying.” At least a couple more days so that he could return if I wished hard enough.

  “No. You’re not staying here, Sara.”

  “Yeah. I am. Try to stop me.”

  “Fine. Stay. Can you at least explain to me why?”

  “Because he might come back.” I propped up and showed her the locket. What did I have to lose after losing him again? “This brought him here once. I can make it happen again.”

  Moira’s gaze darted from my face to the locket. “From the antique store?”

  “Yes.” I lay back down, pulling the covers up to my ear.

  She sat there, quiet for long minutes. “Sara? Did you talk to Crew?”

  Under the covers, I nodded. I had no tears.

  Gently, she drew the covers back down to my shoulders. “That’s a good thing. Were you able to say the things you’ve wanted to? To ask the questions you said you had?”

  “Don’t patronize me.”

  She shook her head once. “I won’t. I’m not. I guess I just thought you might have gotten some ... thing out of whatever did happen last night.”

  “Some closure? Is that what you were going to say?”

  “No. Maybe. I don’t know. I do know I’m not leaving you here.”

  I pulled the covers back up.

  “Well, if the locket is what brought Crew here,” she said, in that irritatingly placating tone of hers, “then wouldn’t he come back wherever the locket is?”

  I peeked out to scowl at her and opened my mouth to protest, but stopped. She had a point.

  “I mean, wouldn’t the magic be even stronger where Crew actually once lived?”

  Placating or not, and I saw she didn’t believe me about Crew one bit, her theory buoyed my hopes. I sat up. If I could wish him here, certainly I could wish him back home. I could go to every place we’d ever been and wish for him. Oh, wait. “What if the magic only works here? What if the locket is a local kind of magic?”

  Moira chewed her lip. Panic showed in her eyes.

  “Why is leaving me here so scary to you, anyway?”

  She looked at her hands. “You don’t remember how bad it got when he died. There are days you don’t remember. Days I spent keeping you from slicing your wrists open. I almost had to call the hospital, Sara. In fact, threatening to call was the only thing that worked. I can’t see you like that again. I won’t let you grieve yourself into the grave.”

  I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to remember that. I couldn’t deny the risk existed. I felt it heavy on my heart. What was life without the happiness only Crew seemed to give? He made the world make sense. Where would I be without him?

  “I know! We can ask the shopkeeper. She’ll know if the magic exists beyond Savannah.”

  Again, I moved to protest, but realized the shopkeeper would know. All her vague, yet cryptic, statements that day made me realize she must have known what the locket could do. In fact, the entire store was probably filled with magical objects.

  “Okay,” I said, and for the first time in hours, felt like I had purpose. “We’ll check with her, and if she says it stays with the locket, I’ll go back home. But, if not ….”

  “Then we’ll deal with it. Agreed?”

  “Agreed.”

  I dressed, packed, and took one last yearning look around the room and clung to my new resolve. I had to get Crew back.

  ~~~

  Chapter Eight

  Part of me suspected that Moira called the shop in advance. I even considered the possibility that Moira bribed Twila, the clerk who sold me the locket to begin with, because the woman solemnly agreed that if there was magic in the locket, it would grow stronger wherever the soul called home. In the end, I wasn’t sure I wanted to stay and face these fears alone. I left Savannah feeling kinked and uncertain. The basic act of moving helped—dressing, packing, walking into the shop, and then through airport security. At my front door, I hugged Kim good-bye.

  “I’m sorry for all the drama,” I said, the smell of her hair as much a comfort as seeing my own little lawn.

  “Sto
p apologizing. We all get permission to go a little nuts sometimes.” She pulled back and looked at me. For a moment, I thought she might mean something else. “I had a little bit of magic over the weekend, too.”

  I smiled, only half believing her. Even if it was true, I preferred to skip swapping stories.

  I didn’t much care.

  She and Kim had interrupted my dream come true. Sure, I’d get over it eventually.

  Or not.

  Depended on whether I got to see him again. If that made me greedy, so be it. I wanted more. I wanted forever. I wanted it now.

  Forever. Days passed, and then weeks.

  And then months.

  I tried everything I could think of. I went to every spot I’d ever been with Crew. I held the locket and wished my heart out. Six months later, I began to accept that Crew might never come back. Numbness set in.

  A spring morning greeted me on a Wednesday. Birds chirping. Sun shining. Little buds on the branch outside my window. I lay there and realized I hadn’t even dreamed of him in months. I opened the locket to see his face. The pictures had faded. His. The one he’d said looked like me.

  Just gone. Shiny gold glittered in the morning light, and while I thought I should cry, I didn’t. The greediness was gone. I’d gotten my wish. I’d had one more day with him. Sure, I didn’t get to know every inch of his body—as I’d hoped. But what I’d gotten was a miracle.

  I still missed him. I still thought of him every day. But the hurt was gone. I got up long enough to brush my teeth, stare at my reflection, and decided to forget today altogether. I called in sick to work.

  I lay under the covers and shut my eyes, preparing to say a small good-bye to my Crew.

  When I felt a weight settle on my bed behind me, I jumped. With a screech, I flipped over and landed ass first on the floor. “Crew?” I rushed to my feet and hurtled myself at him. “Oh, Jesus! You scared me.”

  He grunted as our bodies collided. “Whoa!” he said. “Don’t kill me before I can even kiss you.”

  I clung to him. “What took you so long?”

  “I told you,” he said, pulling my arms from his neck so we faced each other. I bent for a kiss. His lips were warm and firm on mine, and I knew it was really him again. “Stop. Hey, listen. I don’t have much time.”

  “But no one will interrupt us this time. I swear. I won’t so much as answer the phone.”

  He touched my face, smiling. “You cut your hair.”

  “Yeah. Well, it’s been a long time. Six months.” I got a little pinch in my chest, and tried to erase the feeling with kisses.

  He pulled back after a long, deep kiss.

  I sat back on his lap. “What’s wrong?”

  Pain shone in his eyes. The kind of pain that marked a storm on the horizon. I didn’t want to know. I almost stood up to get some distance from that look, but the fear of him disappearing glued me in place. Crew searched my eyes.

  “I can’t come back again, Sara.”

  “Then, don’t leave at all.”

  He shook his head. “This one has to be good-bye. It isn’t up to me.”

  “No. It’s up to me, right?” He looked down and reached for my waist. I grabbed his hand and laced our fingers. “Right?”

  He shook his head.

  My irritation spiked. Not with him. With myself. With God, with the universe, and whatever power kept teasing me with what I wanted most, but could never keep. I pushed one hand against his shoulder, so he looked me in the eye. “What aren’t you telling me?”

  The pain gleamed in his gaze as well. “Do you remember the day I died?” He pulled me to him by the neck.

  I choked back an angry sob. “I don’t like to.”

  “You have to,” he gritted out. “If you don’t. . . .” His eyebrows drew together. He nodded.

  “What? If I don’t what?”

  “If you don’t, we’ll be anchored to each other in perpetual pain, in misery. Right now, this moment is all I have left to give you, Sara.” His hand moved to my hair. A shiver raced over my stomach. “You gotta remember, Sara. So I can say I’m sorry.”

  “You don’t have anything to be sorry for.” I shook back a memory almost as painful as hearing the news that he didn’t make it. Too many internal injuries. I ran my hands over his arms and kissed him again. “Your lips are chapped.”

  He half-laughed. “We had a pretty good fight that day.”

  I looked up at the ceiling and groaned out a wave of pain. “Yeah. I know. I’d take it back if I could. I swear it. I was insecure. I thought not telling Moira was because of some sort of shame you had about me.”

  “No. Not shame.”

  Another wave of pain. No. Not shame. I thought he and Moira—no. Nausea crept up my throat. “It was all me. You didn’t even argue. I said awful things. You left and ....” Died.

  If he had been clear-headed, maybe he’d have seen the other car and swerved to safety.

  Crew’s eyes shone with tears. He licked his lips. “You accused me of having feelings for Moira.”

  I nodded, a tear sliding down my cheek.

  “You found out I had dated her, too. At the same time as you.”

  There it was. The full force right inside my chest, as hard as a punch. I just shook my head over and again. Flashes of him and Moira. Crew kissing her, loving her. “Why?” I managed.

  “There’s no good answer. Because I was an asshole. Because I could. Because you loved me so much, and it terrified me.”

  I got up. I paced a circle in the room, pulling my hair off my face and back.

  He got up. He reached for me. I turned away. “I loved you so much.”

  He grabbed my hand and wouldn’t let go. “I know. Please, Sara, look at me.”

  The hurt in his voice broke me. I met his gaze and there in his crying eyes saw everything. His regret, his honesty. His love. I let him pull me into his arms. “If you loved me, how could you still be with her?”

  “Exactly,” he said softly. He put his chin on top of my head and held me tight. His voice quavered. “I am so, so sorry, Sara. I hurt you, and no one in the world will ever love me like you. If I could take it back, I would. I would keep you safe and cherish you and set aside my stupid ego.”

  I wound my arms around his waist and made fists of my hands. I didn’t know what to say.

  “Please forgive me. Not now, not today. Just please, someday, try. It will make all the difference.”

  I wiped my tears away and slowly nodded. I’d try.

  “It wasn’t because I didn’t love you. I love you, Sara. So much it hurts. So much that it brought me to my knees.”

  I sniffed and leaned back. “Shut up, Crew. Just shut up.” I kissed him. It hurt. He’d hurt me more than anyone could. But he was leaving. I would regret not loving him more than staying angry.

  I had nothing left to prove, and nothing could be scarier than him gone. I had already faced that. He kissed me back, full force, chapped lips and rough hands.

  I hated it. I loved it.

  The hurt gave way to love, and love gave way to a thrill of excitement. I allowed myself to feel the magic that his return was. I was desperate for more. Desperate to feel his mouth on every last part of me. Desperate to hear him say my name a thousand times. Desperate to never let this end.

  I pressed my mouth against his. Crew answered in kind, his tongue driving into my mouth, sending pleasure down my chest, down my belly until it sparkled inside my core.

  “I need you, Sara,” he rasped. He pulled off my T-shirt, hands shaking.

  I pawed at his. In seconds we stood disrobed. He guided me to the bed and pressed his naked body to mine. “I want to ruin you for any other man, Sara. I do. I want to be the only one who could ever complete you.”

  “Yes. God, Crew, yes. I don’t want anybody but you. Ever.”

  He sucked my lower lip, nipping my mouth. His hands gripped my ass. I dug my nails into his shoulders as he lifted me onto the bed. I pushed the clutter there to th
e floor and reveled in his glorious beauty.

  “I want every part of you, Sara.”

  His eyes flashed with intent. My sex throbbed. A rush of wetness bloomed between my thighs. I wanted to be branded by his touch, by the sheer memory of this moment. He hovered above me, his arms trembling. He settled his length between mine.

  “Don’t close your eyes,” he said and kissed my nose.

  I opened my legs, an ache of need spreading inside of me. I craved feeling all of him. His toes to my toes, thighs to my thighs, his erection inside of me, filling me up and making the world disappear.

  “Please,” I said as he hesitated.

  He blinked and drew into me, inch by long inch until his pelvis met mine. He settled onto his elbows and stared into my soul. “I wish you could know how beautiful you are to me. How every time I’d see you, my stomach would tip over.”

  “I do know.” I breathed in his salty scent. “I know because I feel that way about you, too.” I pressed my hips against his, encouraging him to move, wanting the orgasm I was on the brink of.

  “God, you feel so good, Sara.”

  I gasped, my eyes locked to his, entranced by the heady look in his. I wound my hips, arching my back, so that my nipples grazed his chest.

  “Stop,” he said. “I don’t want to come.”

  I fell still. He rained kisses over my face and then simply watched my face. I pressed my hips again, so beyond turned on. His erection throbbed in time with my slamming pulse. His Adam’s apple bobbed up and down. He licked his lips, and new pain shone in his eyes.

  “I think I came a little.”

  “Oh, no. Is it too late?” He shook his head. “Good. Because I want more, too,” I said and let my inhibitions go.

  The green of his eyes darkened. A surge of pleasure wound through me. I slid up and down his length. He stroked in and out of me. His mouth teased each nipple. His hands cupped my ass and roved over my belly. We rolled over, wet with sweat, so that I was on top. The penetration felt exquisite, and within a couple of small grinds my orgasm gripped me.