Degrade

by T. L Smith

  I want her back.

  I crave her.

  “Speak,” I answer not even looking to see who’s called, my judgment and many other things have been lacking.

  “What a lovely way to respond a call,” a woman’s voice chimes from the other end and it takes me a moment to pinpoint that voice.

  “Bexley,” I say, not fully believing it’s her voice. Is my mind playing tricks on me? She laughs but it’s a forced laugh, not her usual self.

  “Bang bang! You hit the nail on the head.” Her voice is different, sharper like I’m not a person she knows.

  “Where have you been? Where did you go?” I ask pacing the floor of my office.

  “Slow down there, stud,” she says. I remove the phone to look at it, to see if it’s her, but obviously I can’t tell.

  “I’m coming to visit you one last time, Zeke, be ready,” she says and hangs up in my ear. I remove the phone and let it drop from my hands. I’m shocked but furious.

  I hear the sound of car doors opening and closing. I sit in my seat with my hands on my lap, waiting. I hear the front door open, and then the sound of her footsteps echoing as she walks into the house, and I know it’s her. She said she was coming to see me one last time. I’m excited, I’ve missed those eyes that train on me with love and affection in them. I have missed how that body was bound to me. But when she rounds the corner, it’s nothing like what I expected. The woman who loved me like I didn’t think I deserved isn’t there. Instead, it’s someone else in her place, but it’s still her. I can see the glint in her eyes. The way she will always appreciate me for me, but she’s here for business now, the business I wish I had worked out a long time ago. Stupid emotions! This was why I choose not to feel, not to love. ‘Cause you will end up getting destroyed by the person if you do.

  “Zeke,” she purrs as she stands in the front of my office in long black pants, a belt wrapped around her waist with a gun on either side of her hip, and her jacket reads FBI. And she displays it proudly.

  “Bexley, if that’s even your real name,” I mutter, not hiding my anger and emotions.

  “Yes it is,” she says smiling walking in closer.

  “Was it all work, Bexley? Or did you love me?” I ask, wanting to know before she has to do what she’s here for.

  “It was all work, Zeke. The whole thing after you broke my heart was illustrated. You were my willing victim. You played right into my hands,” she says holding them out showcasing a ring I once bought her.

  “But to answer your question, yes, I did love you, and I would have saved you, but you pissed me off,” she says smiling.

  “It’s my nature, Bexley,” I reply, my tone cold.

  “To piss people off? I believe it is, but this is my job, and you won’t be my last.” She smiles and says something into a walkie-talkie on her shoulder.

  “You know they won’t hold me, right? I’ll come for you, Bexley,” I say just as an older guy enters and kisses her cheek. He’s in charge that much is obvious.

  “Zeke, I think it’s time for you to meet my father,” she smiles at the older man who points to me while he tells the other agent to handcuff me.

  “I’ll find you, Bexley,” I say. She smiles as I’m pushed forward with my hands pulled behind my back. “I hope so,” she whispers for only me to hear.

  She handcuffs me and her body is touching mine, I know she’s doing it deliberately.

  When she escorts us out, Cora is sitting at the desk looking shocked. Her eyes fly to Bexley then to me. She sneers at Bexley.

  “I’ll arrest your ass too, whore, if you’re not careful,” Bexley says to her to which her eyes bulge.

  “Cora, call my lawyer, get them to meet me straight away.” She nods and starts calling Jagger immediately. Bexley hears his name when he answers and she laughs so evilly I wonder if I actually knew this woman in front of me at all.

  “This should be interesting,” she says pushing me out the front toward an unmarked police car. She escorts me in the back while sitting in the front seat next to another officer. She ignores me for most of the drive talking softly, and casually laughing with the man sitting next to her. And none of it makes me happy. To be honest, it makes me that bit more pissed.

  We arrive at the police station and she takes me into a private room. She doesn’t say a word when she leaves, just leaves me sitting there. I guess they’re watching from the other side of the glass in the room.

  The door opens and she walks in by herself. I didn’t think she would be the one asking questions. So when she drops a file on the table and stands behind the chair watching me, I’m slightly surprised, but not amused.

  “We have a lot of evidence against you, Zeke Takon,” she says using my full name. I don’t speak to her, she can do the talking. I’m not fucking stupid.

  “Drug dealing, murder, gun runs. You name it, we have it on you,” she says walking around to stand near me. She sits on the desk just inches away from my face, and I can smell her cotton candy scent. My dick twitches and I curse myself.

  “You have anything to say,” she half-whispers leaning forward. I look up at her. Her eyes are challenging, trying to unsettle me. But I don’t give her anything, she doesn’t deserve it. A knock comes on the glass. She sighs, and smiles softly but sweetly at me before she stands and walks off without a backward glance. Not even five minutes later the door swings open again, but this time it’s Jagger. He walks in shaking his head.

  “I was waiting for this day,” he says smiling, but I know he’s joking.

  “All right, tell me, what do they have? Have you spoken to them?” He picks up a pen and looks at me waiting for me to say something, he obviously doesn’t know. He will learn in a second as the door opens and Bexley walks in. His eyes go alarmingly wide and his head swings back to me, then to her.

  “Oh fuck,” he swears, realizing he’s going to have to work his ass off.

  “My words exactly,” I mutter to him.

  “Jagger, always a pleasure,” Bexley purrs. He doesn’t say anything at first, just watches her like she’s a caged animal, he can’t take his eyes off of her.

  “What do you have?” he asks, his voice turning hostel. A smile forms on my face. He is good, and this is why I’ve kept him around and haven’t killed him. He switches and his emotions go off, just like his sister.

  “As you can imagine, Jagger, I have a lot.” She smiles again with that sweetly sick smile. A part of me wants to reach over the table and strangle her, or even pull her gun from the holster and kill her.

  They talk for a while, and I don’t listen. I don’t really care. I’m trying to plan how I will get her back. How I will make her pay.

  She leaves not even smiling at me this time. I’m transfixed as I watch her leave, her black pants tight around her ass.

  “I’m going to get you out on bail. But I have to ask, did you know?” he asks pointing to where she just left. I nod my head and he sighs so loudly.

  “Did you want to make my job harder? Did you want to get fucked over?” he asks me very seriously.

  “I have people in high places, Jagger, I don’t expect this to last long. Sweep it under the rug, I have plans that need to be carried out.”

  “Don’t retaliate, Zeke, you’ll make it worse, even if I pull those strings. You’ll have people on your back, watching you.”

  “It won’t happen again,” I mutter and he cocks his eyebrow.

  “Why do I not believe that? I see the way you still look at her, even if she’s your arch enemy now,” he says shaking his head.

  We cease loving ourselves if no one loves us.

  ~Madame de Stael~

  He got off, I knew he would. I thought I had enough on him to charge and convict. My father was disappointed to say the least. It was his idea for me to do this. Tragger told him about Zeke the day in the shopping center, he had recognized him and told my father. I was done for after my father scrutinized me for fraternizing with someone like Zeke. My father the
n forced me into undercover to make up for my mistakes. I didn’t want to, I wanted it to end on that last breakup. I should have known better. I agreed, and it was hard…beyond hard.

  I gathered the evidence my father needed, I snooped through things, investigated members. But still none of it could hold him. We had nothing substantial. He’s a smart man and knows men in high positions. It took them a day to drop charges, to get him set free. I’ve never seen it happen so fast. The day he walked out, I was right there watching him. He had a devious smile coating his face when he walked to me. My blood was rushing so fast in my veins, I could hear my heart beating rapidly in my chest. My palms were sweating.

  “It’s not over, Bexley,” he whispers so low when he walks past me. Shivers coat my body. Was that a threat? I don’t know.

  My father is waiting for me when I arrive back at the office, his face stoic. He nods his head to me indicating for me to follow him. I follow reluctantly, half knowing what’s going to be said. He takes a seat at his desk while looking at me shaking his head silently. He starts pulling out paperwork, reading it over, not saying a word to me but building up to it like I know he is. His hair is cut short, always has been, and he’s in a suit which is usual work attire.

  “Is this something you want to do, Bexley?” he asks me locking his blue eyes on me.

  “It’s what I know,” I reply still standing in the office doorway.

  “Yes, I know, and believe it or not you’re good at it, you are one of my best shooters. You’re usually all business…” he stops when he says that, and takes a deep breath. “But you’ve changed, I saw the way you were with this man, the way you looked at him. You didn’t want to do what was asked or what was required of you for your job.”

  “I did it though,” I barely whisper.

  “Yes, you did, and we would have him if it weren't for the people he knows and paid off. All charges have been dropped, he knows people in high places that’s for sure.” He stands from his desk and walks toward me, stopping when he’s towering over me.

  “Go, take as much time off as you need. I don’t want you back until you know you’re back in the game and can give this job your all.”

  “I do give it my all, Papa.”

  “You used to, and that was mostly my fault. I forced this life on you. Take a few months and make sure it’s what you want. Don’t come back until you’re sure.” His hand comes and rests on my shoulder, and he leans down to kiss my forehead, and then with a wave he dismisses me. I don’t even try to argue, he’s right. I’m good at this job, always have been, but it was pushed on me. I was the son he never had. I wanted to make him proud but lost myself somewhere along the way.

  ****

  Ember rings me when I enter my apartment; her voice is soft, and not her usual bubbly self. I try to focus on everything she’s saying to me, but it’s hard, my mind is running a million times an hour. Zeke takes up most of it, then followed closely by my father. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know who I am anymore. I didn’t think I was a person that would love someone who I wasn’t meant to love. Someone that wasn’t meant to love me either. His walls came down, and then I brought him down with them.

  I find a package on my doorstep, it’s wrapped, but I don’t know how it got here. I look around, gun in hand and ignore everything Ember is saying on the phone. No one is here. Grabbing the closest knife, I open the package, and discover it’s a vest. The one the prospect was wearing. It’s also covered in blood. I drop it automatically and the blood soaks my counter. Is this retaliation?

  “Are you even listening to me?” Ember screeches into the phone. I rid the thoughts that are running rampant in my head and try to concentrate on her.

  “Yes, I’m here,” I tell her walking into my quiet bedroom, looking around and finding it so plain and boring all of a sudden. There are no pictures anywhere, nothing to say that I live here. My nerves are high, I’m worried about why that was sent to me, but I ignore it, they’re trying to scare me. I know how they work.

  “Well, will you?” she asks. I take a moment to think of answer not knowing the question. I must pause long enough ‘cause she repeats it to me again.

  “Will you be my maid of honor?” she screams into the phone. I pull the phone away and look at it to make sure it’s her actually calling.

  “What? Who?” I ramble sitting on my bed.

  “Lance, you met him briefly at one of the parties. I didn’t want to date him because he’s an actor, and well, you know. A man that can win a Grammy award for his acting could lie and cheat on me so easily as taking his next breath, and honestly, how could I trust someone with such a skill? Anyway, he tried to tell me he would never lie to me, then he swooned me, then he fucked me. And well, he should have just started with the fucking, cause fuck, I would’ve married him for his cock all alone,” she rambles again into the phone and this time I actually burst out laughing.

  “So your marriage is based on great sex? And how long have you been with him?” I question her.

  “Well, it’s also based on his mouth. Who knew a man could make me orgasm so many times with the tip of his tongue. And to answer your question, it’s been going on for a year, just haven’t told anyone.” She expels a heavy breath into the phone and I have to shake my head, even knowing she can’t see me.

  “So is there any love in this relationship?”

  “Oh, for him maybe, I’m working on it. Well, his body is working on it,” she cackles into the phone.

  “Well, I see this lasting forever then,” I tell her sarcastically.

  “Anyway, wedding is in five days. I need you here today, I need to fit your dress and I need you to keep me calm. I’m freaking.”

  “I’ll find the next available flight and come straight away, and why are you getting married so fast?” I ask her pulling out my suitcase to begin packing.

  “Not my brilliant idea, it was his. God, this man doesn’t do anything slow.”

  “Okay, I’m packing now. I’ll get there as soon as I can.”

  “I already booked you a ticket, I knew you wouldn’t say no to me. No isn’t a good word for you. You leave at seven tonight. See you then, bye,” she says not giving me a chance to say anything before she hangs up on me.

  I feel nervous, nervous leaving everything behind. Nervous being back in the same town as Zeke. Well, possibly, just being near Zeke. I didn’t plan to leave to see him. Actually, I would prefer not to see him again. We’ve had our time together, and now it should be time apart. Especially now he knows who I am and what I’ve done, I would hate to see him again, but a big part of me also craves it.

  We love because it’s the only true adventure.

  ~Nikki Giovanni~

  They want her dead. I know they’re up to something. Dunk is mostly, I see it in his eyes. He’s having hushed conversations on the phone, and a prospect’s jacket is missing. I may not be here every day, but I know the in’s and the outs of this place.

  “Did she get the package?” Dunk asks into the phone then he mentions her name. I walk to him. He’s at the bar with his back to me, not realizing I am standing there. I snatch the phone from him and throw it to the ground. He looks shocked at first, then angry.

  “You do not retaliate.” I try to keep myself calm, but it’s hard. I want to rip his head off. I want vengeance. My mind is so fucked up right now. She’s the only woman I have been this close to, who I’ve let in. But at the same time, I want to strangle her, watch as her eyes pop and the life flows from her. Then I feel sick after those thoughts, like harming her would cause me physical harm. I don’t understand my feelings at all.

  “She messed with you, she messes with us,” he says and the men cheer in response. I look around the room, angry and proud. They would jump off a cliff if I asked them to.

  “You will not, under any circumstances…” I look around the room pointing, “are any of you to get involved.” Most nod their heads, except for Dunk, who stares shaking his head. He is not the pre
sident, I am. He’d do well to remember that fact.

  I call church and we have a club meeting where rules are established. Then I get a phone call. I’m going to a wedding and at this wedding I’m going to fuck with her head.

  Love, its soul crushing, painfully beautiful.

  ~T.L Smith~

  Her dress is ivory, her hair is curled and sitting on the top of her head like a crown, she makes a beautiful bride. A stunning one to be precise. I’m wearing a baby pink knee high strapless dress, my hair is slightly wavy and my face is covered in makeup. Ember looks over to me and smiles, handing me a glass of champagne. Lance comes over and wraps his hands around the mid-section of his now wife. They look good together, his eyes shine brightly when he watches her like she’s everything he wants, everything he needs. The wedding was beautiful, over the top, but still beautiful. Lance has money, a lot of it, and he spared no expense on this occasion. There are famous people everywhere, even the band they have singing right now is famous. I would usually be intimidated by being around such people, but I don’t even care who they are.

  “I’ve come to steal my wife,” Lance says with his hands still wrapped around her waist.

  “Bex, there is something I need to tell you,” Ember whispers to me. “I didn’t have a choice, he’s friends with Lance,” she says and then is being pulled away by Lance. She smiles up at me and I take her glass from her and watch as they head to the dance floor. People follow and separate making room for the bride and groom as they do their bridal waltz. I’m smiling brightly as he dips her down, and she laughs when I feel eyes on me, boring into me. I try not to look, it could be anyone, but I have a feeling that I need to look. And when I gaze across the dance floor, I see Zeke, with a smirk on his beautiful lips, watching me. I try to smile, to be polite, I do, I really do. But when a beautiful woman walks up and kisses him on the cheek then plants herself on to him, I know my smile turns sour, and I know he sees it.