PUCK (A BAD BOY HOCKEY ROMANCE)

by Marx, Jessica

  I take my time again, waiting to hear Ryan leave for his run before I come out of the bathroom. I need to figure out what’s going on and get my shit together, or I’m going to spend half my time hiding in my own apartment.

  Chapter 7

  I manage to avoid Ryan for the majority of the day. We don’t see each other until late afternoon. It’s possible he’s avoiding me, too, but I’m not sure why. I’ve calmed myself down from this morning and put my feelings aside—for now, anyway. There’s no need to make things difficult or awkward. We are friends and roommates and he’s my stepbrother! I’m not going to let anything change that.

  We agree to have dinner together and order some Chinese food. Neither of us feel like going out after barely sleeping the night before. We talk like there is nothing out of the ordinary and pretend last night’s events and this morning’s conversation never happened. By the time our dinner arrives, we are back to our regular routine and all is forgotten—kind of. We’re both acting like it is, but I’m not so sure. This is comfortable, though, so I have no intention of bringing anything up. It’s officially in the past.

  While we eat, we talk about the class we have tomorrow at AGR. Ryan, Tara, a few other friends, and I signed up for a six week class. Tomorrow starts our fourth week. It’s been a very long time since we’ve all done something like this together, and it is proving to be a lot of fun. Not only is the class itself enjoyable, but having my friends there makes it that much more entertaining. The class is really small so there are only a couple of people in there that we don’t know. We haven’t play acted together very often, and interacting like this makes for a lot of laughs. After each class, we go out together for food or drinks and continue the shenanigans.

  I’m glad we are getting along and back into the friend zone. I love my time with Ryan. We always make great conversation and share much of the same interests and sense of humor. We make some jokes at Tony’s expense, and it’s the only time last night is brought into the conversation. We watch TV for a little while and then decide to get to bed early. We’re both pretty exhausted, and I’m happy to end things on a good note.

  Ryan wakes up and goes for a run. I exercise with some online workout videos, since joining the gym is not in my budget right now, and then enjoy another relaxing day. I never work on Mondays—most of us don’t—which is why we are all able to take this class together.

  Tony stops over around lunch time with a bag full of sandwiches and we happily dig in. I let the boys hang out for a while and go out to pick up a few things at the store. I get back in time to get changed and ready for class. The three of walk to the studio together. We don’t bother waiting outside for anyone else—it’s too cold. We take off our coats and make ourselves comfortable as the others file in. Tara comes in, says hello to us, and sits next to me as we have done every week so far.

  Our instructor, Sarah, is an acting coach. She is down-to-earth, honest, and very knowledgeable. This week, we are practicing cold reads. We have to perform an unrehearsed scene and she asks us to pair up. Tara and I choose each other as we usually do but the coach says since the class has the same number of men and women, we should pair with the opposite sex because it will better fit the scenes we’re reading. We are goofing around trying to decide who will be with who, so Sarah decides to choose for us, and Ryan and I wind up as a pair.

  In all the classes we have taken, we rarely pair up. I’m not really sure why—we just always choose someone else. We look at each other and shrug.

  The first pair steps in front to read their scene. It’s Keira and one of the people we don’t know. Everyone gets quiet and focuses on their scene. It takes about two minutes and ends in a kiss. They do a great job, and the kiss is somewhat believable so we all clap.

  No. No, no, no. While I’m clapping, all I can think about is how I’m going to get out of this. Ok, maybe it’s not Sarah’s fault. She doesn’t know he’s my stepbrother…. But… I can’t kiss Ryan—I can’t. Sure, I know it’s acting, but I do not want to cross that line… Especially after the emotional whirlwind I went through last night.

  The next pair steps in front and reads their scene. It is completely different, but ends in an emotional embrace. I take a deep breath. That, I can handle. Maybe there is only one kissing scene. Maybe I’m worrying about nothing. I hear the coach call us up front. I might be mistaken, but Ryan looks a little nervous too.

  She hands us our lines to read. There is a lot of intensity before we begin, since we have no idea what we will be reading or how it will end. Ryan clears his throat and starts to read. We are pretending to be a husband and wife seeing each other for the first time after a tour in Iraq. As we read through, there is a lot of passion behind our words that I would like to attribute to our acting skills, but I’m sure it’s more from the fear and anxiety of not knowing where this short conversation will lead.

  Just before our final words are spoken, my heart is racing. I am perspiring and my hands are shaking. I shouldn’t be. I’ve done a racy performance or two—this is no different than if I were going to kiss Tara for a scene. Ryan gently takes me by the shoulders and looks me with his piercing blue eyes as if to say, “Don’t worry,” and we kiss. Our lips touch, linger for a moment, and then we really kiss.

  Ryan’s warm tongue enters my mouth and begins massaging mine. I can’t help but return the motion. For a brief instant, our mouths are connected, our tongues entwined. We are moving as one, and I forget where we are. Slowly, we bring our kiss to an end and simultaneously back away. Everyone is silent for a moment as we just stare at each other, confused by the emotions we are feeling from the seemingly innocent kiss we just shared.

  The coach begins to clap and the rest follow after. I’m pretty sure that every one of our friends is thrown off guard just as we are. They appreciate that we can act, but what they just witnessed went a bit further than the scene called for. Ryan and I are still in front of everyone, but break our gaze, take a bow, and silently return to our seats. The next pair steps in front to take their turn, but my mind is still reeling from what just happened—and I know Ryan felt it, too.

  Chapter 8

  The class continues and the rest of the pairs read their scenes. The coach sums everything up and asks us to do something for the next class, but I’m not paying any attention—I haven’t been since Ryan and I kissed. I don’t know what happened after that, because that’s all I’ve been able to think about. I can’t even look at him because I’m scared he will look back at me. I don’t know what to say to him. There’s no way I could be alone in feeling the spark ignite when our lips met. It was like fate brought us together at that moment and said, “You’re more than just friends, now deal with it.”

  When everyone starts packing their things, I snap out of my daydream and try to focus on the present. I don’t need to let on that that kiss made me feel anything. It was a scene, we were playing a part, just like dozens of other times.

  “You okay?” Tara asks me.

  “Yeah. Yes. I’m fine,” I stammer back in reply.

  “Seems like that kiss really got to you,” she says in a low voice. “Sarah totally shouldn’t have done that. She doesn’t know you two are… You know…”

  “It’s ok. It was part of the scene. Did your kiss get to you?”

  “Mine? No. But it was with Tony. Totally different,” she replies.

  “Whatever,” I answer dismissively. I’m not going through the whole “we’re just friends” speech again—especially when I’m not sure if that’s even true anymore. “Where are we going now? The usual?” I ask, changing the subject completely.

  “I’m hungry,” Keira chimes in. “Can we go somewhere that has drinks and food?”

  “Sure. I can go for some grub,” Tony replies.

  We collectively put on our coats, take our belongings, and head outside. Ryan and I haven’t spoken a single word to each other. We lock eyes for a second as we are getting ready to walk out the door, but both of us quickly l
ook away. Not only do we have get through the night, we have to go home together. This is going to be completely awkward—even more so than the past weekend.

  Our group walks a few blocks to one of our favorite local dive bars. It’s low-key, but the staff is friendly and the food is decent. The crowd is pretty thick already, but we find a booth we can all squeeze into. One of the servers comes over to take our order and we each ask for a drink while we look over the menu. Conversation is flowing amongst us and there are plenty of laughs. I’m trying to act interested in what’s going on, but I can’t get Ryan out of my head. We are seated at opposite sides of the table and have yet to even look at one another.

  If I kissed someone else and felt the same feelings, it wouldn’t bother me, but Ryan is different. Everyone we know warned that moving in together was a bad idea. Maybe they saw something neither of us did. How could they possibly sense our feelings when we never have?

  Between this kiss, the last couple of days, and the endless questioning of my own feelings and emotions, I am a wreck. Everything would have been fine if it weren’t for that kiss.

  The server comes back with our drinks and takes our food order. My stomach is doing flip flops—there’s no way I can eat. When she leaves the table, I excuse myself to go to the ladies’ room. I need a few minutes to collect my thoughts and move on, or everyone will know something is up—that is, if they haven’t noticed already.

  I take my time washing my hands and lingering behind the closed door before taking a deep breath and walking into the small hallway where the restrooms are. Ryan is standing in the hall. It appears he is waiting for me, and there’s no way to avoid him.

  “Are we going to talk about what happened?” Ryan asks bluntly.

  “What do you mean?” I reply, poorly feigning innocence.

  “Come on, Eve. The kiss? You and me, kissing,” he presses on.

  “We were acting Ryan, that’s what we do,” I answer, still trying to sound aloof.

  “Don’t be an ass, Eve. I know you felt what I felt.”

  “It doesn’t matter, Ryan. We are friends—and roommates. Maybe we just got caught up in the moment. I mean, that scene was pretty intense.”

  “It was intense, Eve,” he says, his blue eyes smoldering. “But it wasn’t the scene. Please, don’t just let it go like that.”

  “I don’t have a choice,” I reply in surrender. “We don’t have a choice. You said it yourself weeks ago—we can’t ruin our friendship. Besides, you’re my stepbrother. You know how wrong this is.”

  I leave him standing there and go back to the booth. Ryan returns several minutes later looking pretty put-off. We join in the conversation and laughs with the rest of the group, but mentally, I’m not fully there. I can tell Ryan isn't, either. I’m not sure if everyone else can see what’s going on. If they can, they’re doing a pretty good job of pretending not to, which is fine with me. I am in no rush to end the night and go home with Ryan. I know him well enough to know he is not going to let this go.

  We go through a couple of rounds of drinks and those who ordered food are finished. Keira announces that she’s leaving and Tony offers to walk her home. Tara and Alex decide they’re going to go home also. It just leaves me, Ryan, and Jen, and she quickly bails and says she’s going to walk with Tara and Alex.

  Now it’s just us again.

  Ryan and I stand up to leave. We have no choice but to walk together. There is no avoiding the inevitable now. He’s going to make me talk about what happened—our kiss. Why does he have to be so sensible and open with his feelings? Why can’t he hide his emotions and keep to himself like most men? No wonder I used to think he was gay.

  We put on our coats and walk outside without saying a word. It’s bitter cold out here, so we pick up the pace but continue to walk in silence. I want to go home and crawl under my covers, but I know that’s not happening. We are at our corner when Ryan starts to speak.

  “Eve,” he says, “we have to talk about this.”

  “No, we don’t,” I reply. “We kissed. We weren't kissing each other, though—we were in character, and that’s not the same. Please, just let it go,” I plead as we approach our building.

  We hurry inside to escape the cold and I immediately begin walking up the stairs. Ryan is following and I can feel his agonized stare behind me. We reach the third floor and I get the key in the lock and door open before Ryan has a chance to speak again. I wish there was someplace for me to hide.

  “Eve, you’re being ridiculous,” Ryan says as soon as the door closes behind him. “You need to acknowledge your feelings.”

  “There were no feelings,” I say coldly. Thankfully, my back is to him, because it is a complete lie and he knows it. Ryan grabs my arm and spins me around.

  “No feelings?” he asks, sounding hurt and incredulous at the same time. “I heard you Eve… This isn’t just about the kiss. I heard you on the other side of that wall. I heard what you were doing in there and it fucking turned me on Eve. It drove me fucking crazy.”

  Oh God…

  “How?” I ask, my voice barely a squeak.

  “Thin walls, remember?” Ryan says, his eyes burning into me.

  “It… It doesn’t matter. We can’t do this. I don’t feel that way about you Ryan.”

  “Prove it,” Ryan dares me.

  “Prove it? How the hell am I supposed to do that?”

  “Kiss me,” Ryan says. When I turn around, his face is inches away from mine. “Kiss me as Eve. No characters, no scene, no stepbrother and stepsister—just you and me.” He lowers his voice and wets his lips with his tongue. I shiver. “Kiss me now, and if there are no feelings, I will believe you.”

  I just stare at him. Every ounce of my being wants to kiss him. I want to grab him and never let go, but I can’t. Once we cross that line, there is no going back. I can’t do that. I love him too much to lose him.

  “I can’t,” I reply in a whisper, holding back tears. “I can’t.”

  We stand in silence. I feel Ryan staring at me, but I don’t want to look at him. If our eyes meet, I know I will give in. We will kiss, and who knows what would happen from there? I need to leave. I need this moment to be over and forgotten.

  Without a word, I walk to my room and close the door. I know Ryan is still standing there, but I don’t care. He will probably wait for me to come out, but I won’t. Goddammit. I want to throw something, punch something—anything to relieve the anger or stress or whatever it is that I’m feeling right now. Instead, I just begin to pace the floor. I can’t leave the apartment, it’s too damn cold, and I don’t feel like being around anyone right now, so I have no place to go. I just keep walking back and forth, my mind racing in all different directions.

  I hear the door slam. Ryan must have left. I remain still and quiet and listen to see if I hear him inside, but I don’t. All I hear is the click of the door as he locks it—then he’s gone.

  Chapter 9

  I spend the night crying uncontrollably in my room. At some point I must have cried myself to sleep, because I wake up still dressed and lying on top of my comforter. My head is throbbing and my face feels swollen. I don’t know if Ryan ever came back, and I’m afraid to find out. I don’t want to face him, but I also don’t want to leave things this way.

  I listen for several minutes and don’t hear anything. Regardless of where he is now, at some point we will have to face each other, so I have to accept my fate. I’m sure I look like death right now, but there’s nothing I can do.

  I take a breath and leave my room. There is no sign of Ryan in the main area and the bathroom door is open, so I go in and close it behind me.

  My face is a mess and my hair is a disaster. I don’t remember the last time I cried like that. I get in the shower and let the warm water roll over my body and face. It feels soothing, and hopefully it will relieve some of the congestion and swelling in my face. I don’t need to explain to anyone why I look like this. I especially don’t want Ryan to see me li
ke this—if he even comes back. I wonder where he went and when he might return.

  I didn’t want to kiss him. It wasn’t just the whole stepbrother thing… I wanted to save our friendship. By not kissing him again, I might have ruined it anyway. I don’t know how to begin to make this right. I’m not sure what to say or how to say it. It’s clear to me now that I love him as something much more than a friend… As something more than a stepbrother… I don’t know how he feels, though. I mean, I know he feels something, but what?

  I turn off the shower and dry off. I look much better than I did when I got in, which is a relief. I have to work today and need to look presentable. I get dressed and go into the kitchen to have some coffee and breakfast. I’m kidding myself thinking I’m not waiting for Ryan to return, because that’s exactly what I’m doing. As much as I don’t want to see him, I want him to come back.

  I take my time with breakfast and Ryan still doesn’t return. I’m sure he’s safe, probably at Tony’s or one of his other boy’s places’. I just wish I knew if he was okay. I have to get ready to go, I’m working early in the afternoon today. Hopefully, he will be back tonight so we can settle things and get back to normal—whatever that is now.

  I get to work between lunchtime and Happy Hour, so there aren’t many people here. I don’t mind; I’m not in the mood to make conversation, anyway. I keep busy straightening up the bar and cleaning whatever I can find. As the afternoon goes on, more people come in, and I put on my game face. No one needs to see a melancholy bartender. We are here for customers and their problems, not the other way around. I serve the few people seated around me happily, playing a part once again.

  Ken comes in and sits in front of me.

  “Hey, Ken. How are you today?” I ask with a smile.

  “Same. And you? What’s up, Eve?” Ken immediately notices something is off. I guess my acting isn’t at its best today.