Give Yourself Away

by Barbara Elsborg

  Tye wanted to tell him he didn’t want to go, but the word that came out of his mouth was “Promise”.

  * * *

  Caleb sat in his car and locked the doors. He felt relieved he’d managed to get out of Mike’s house before the cheating bastard came home, but he’d not gone far before he realized he was too on edge to keep driving. He’d never forgive himself if he had an accident and injured someone.

  But sitting in his car made him even more fretful. He managed an hour sitting in an empty car park before he took out his phone and scrolled to Jamie’s number. He still hesitated. Jamie might not be back from the party, might have brought that new guy home, but Caleb needed to feel safe and Jamie was safe. Caleb didn’t have many friends and he wasn’t going to ask Victor to choose between him and Mike because he knew the outcome.

  “It’s gone midnight,” Jamie whispered.

  Caleb winced. “Can I come over and stay the rest of the night?” He hated how pitiful he sounded.

  “I’m…busy,” Jamie hissed.

  “I’m desperate.” Caleb mentally groaned. “Sorry. Doesn’t matter. Forget I called. I’m not that desperate. I’ll sleep in the car.”

  There was an exasperated sigh before Jamie whispered, “Oh for fuck’s sake. Hang on.” A few moments later he spoke in a normal voice. “I didn’t want to wake the actual guy I have in my actual bed. What’s happened?”

  “I’ve left Mike.”

  “Oh shit. Why is it that our timing is so bad? You’re with someone when I’m not and vice versa.”

  “Is this the guy from the party?”

  “Yep and I want to hang on to him. He left Victor’s party and then came back to tell me he couldn’t walk away from me. How romantic is that?”

  “Very. Can I come?”

  “Hurry up.”

  Caleb turned his key in the ignition, fastened his seat belt, checked his mirror, signaled and pulled out of the car park. As he drove down the street, lights came on behind him and he checked the mirror again. Just a car that had pulled out back down the road. It didn’t mean someone was following him. But his overworked brain told him otherwise.

  He had to fight not to push his foot down on the accelerator. By the time he’d reached the dual carriageway, there was enough traffic that Caleb couldn’t tell if anyone was in pursuit, which was probably a good thing. When he got into this mind-set, he felt as if he existed in a state where he barely managed to keep his anxiety at bay.

  Jamie lived in a block of flats with a parking area under the building. Caleb took the box with the birds and his toothbrush up the stairs.

  Jamie opened the door, wearing only shorts. He had a spectacular line of hickeys on his neck.

  “I know.” Jamie rolled his eyes and slid his hand to his neck. “He’s a bit intense. Hey, I didn’t know you wore glasses.”

  “Yeah. Sorry to be a nuisance.” Caleb averted his gaze.

  “So you should be. One night, right? You’re not moving in. Before last night I’d have let you but now…phew.”

  Jamie locked the door behind him and pushed Caleb toward the lounge. “There’s a sleeping bag and pillow on the couch.”

  “Thanks.”

  “I assume you and Mike are definitely over?”

  Caleb nodded.

  “The guy’s a knob. Big knob, though.” Jamie smiled.

  “Sorry I spoiled your evening,” Caleb said.

  “Yeah, well you know I don’t get lucky very often, but this guy is hot and for once is super keen.”

  Jamie disappeared into the bedroom.

  Caleb kicked off his shoes, cleaned his teeth in the kitchen sink and climbed fully clothed into the sleeping bag. He pushed his glasses under the couch. It wasn’t long enough for his six-foot frame, but it was better than the car. All he cared about was feeling safe.

  Physical and mental exhaustion smothered him like wet cement sliding over him, stealing his air, pressing him down. Sometimes it felt like too much trouble to keep breathing. But there was one thing he had in common with Victor. Caleb never gave up. Not when it mattered, and, deep down, he knew Mike wasn’t worth mattering about. Caleb would pick himself up and start again.

  It wasn’t all Mike’s fault. Caleb had been looking for him to be something he could never be. Just as he’d wanted someone else to—

  Don’t go there.

  He was terrified of remembering. His fragile hold on the now couldn’t handle opening that particular box from the past. The psychiatrist had given him coping mechanisms and they sometimes worked, but Caleb felt as if he’d filled the cracks in with badly mixed cement that had never set but had started to crumble almost at once. The one thing he clung to was that he owed it to two people in particular to make the best of his life that he could.

  Maybe Mike had done him a favor. At least Caleb wouldn’t be wasting any more time on a relationship heading nowhere. His fingers uncurled from fists. Begin again. Try again. He was always doing that, but what choice did he have? There was happiness somewhere. He truly believed that. He just had to find it.

  Tomorrow he’d start over. There were plenty of other places to live in Dorset. He could be content with his own company for a while. All he needed was a roof over his head and a job. He wouldn’t bother Jamie again.

  As his eyes closed, a kind of peace swept over him and sleep beckoned until he heard the sounds of fucking coming from the bedroom. Jamie’s grunts of delight made him wish that his friend had finally found the one.

  Caleb wasn’t able to sleep after all. He lay awake long after the energetic sex marathon finished and silence reigned, but at least he’d blanked his mind. A sudden banging made him jerk upright and almost sent him tumbling from the couch.

  “Caleb!” Mike shouted.

  He struggled out of the sleeping bag and rushed to open the door before the noise disturbed Jamie and his new guy.

  Mike stood with his hand raised to knock again, his blond hair sticking up, his clothes disheveled. He looked sexy…and pissed off. Anger mode, not sulky. “Come back.”

  Caleb shook his head. “There’s no point. It’s over.”

  “No it’s fucking not.” His blue eyes flashed with anger.

  “It has been for some time.” Caleb spoke quietly. “I just didn’t want to see it.” He knew it was true and kept talking, trying to explain it wasn’t only what had happened at the party. At least that’s what he thought he said, but his words dried up as he took in the stricken look on Mike’s face. Caleb hated upsetting people.

  Caleb hadn’t expected the fist that connected with the side of his jaw and he staggered back.

  “You don’t leave me,” Mike said through clenched teeth as he advanced into the flat.

  Caleb put up his hands in an attempt to defend himself, but Mike grabbed his shirt and yanked him forward.

  “Stop it.” As Caleb tried to pull free, Mike thumped him in the stomach.

  “You don’t leave me,” he repeated and twisted the material of Caleb’s shirt at his neck, ripping off a button and starting to choke him.

  Just as suddenly as the blow had come, Mike tugged him close and kissed him, mashing his lips against Caleb’s, wrapping his arms around him so tight it hurt.

  “What the fuck are you two doing?” Jamie snapped. “You’ve woken me and Paul and probably all the neighbors too.”

  Mike let Caleb go and Caleb spun around.

  “Go home and sort yourselves out.” Jamie dragged his fingers through his messy hair. “You fucked up, Mike. Make it up to him. A few more kisses like that should do it.”

  “Come home.” Mike caught hold of Caleb’s hand. “Please.”

  “No,” Caleb said.

  “What’s going on?” A big, shaven-headed guy appeared at Jamie’s shoulder. Right. The new guy, Paul.

  Something about him made Caleb unea
sy, and not just the way Paul was staring at him. There was…something in his eyes, but as soon as the thought formed, it flitted away. Caleb barely suppressed a shudder. Paul looked too old for Jamie…too…strong, too intense—

  Mike interrupted his thoughts. “Come on. Let’s go home.”

  “I don’t have a home anymore.” Caleb pulled out of Mike’s hold.

  Mike picked up Caleb’s box and Caleb froze.

  “Going to show me what’s in here?” Mike asked.

  Caleb snatched it out of his hand.

  Mike looked as though he was going to make an issue of it, then his face changed and his lips curved into a tentative smile. “Come home, please. Let me explain.”

  “Fuck off, the pair of you,” Paul said.

  Caleb turned to Jamie but he was gazing adoringly into Paul’s eyes.

  “Jamie?” Caleb took a step toward him.

  Paul pointed to the door. “Out.”

  “You need to drive me home,” Mike muttered. “I don’t feel well.”

  Caleb gave a heavy sigh, put on his shoes, retrieved his glasses and took his box from Mike.

  Jamie stuck Caleb’s toothbrush in his pocket and shoved the sleeping bag and pillow into his arms. “Just in case,” he whispered.

  Caleb followed Mike down the stairs. Mike walked straight over to Caleb’s car and Caleb used the remote to unlock the doors and the boot. He pushed in the pillow and sleeping bag and tucked the box underneath.

  “How did you get here?” Caleb climbed into the driver’s side. “How did you know where I was?”

  “Taxi. I guessed. Take me home.”

  “Put your seat belt on.”

  Mike clicked it into place. “You could at least let me explain.”

  But within a few moments of setting off, Mike was asleep, his head lolling against the window. Caleb suspected he was both drunk and high. The violence had shocked him. Mike had never hit him before. He could still taste blood in his mouth from where he’d bitten his tongue.

  Caleb pulled up on the road outside Mike’s house and nudged him awake. “We’re here.”

  Mike blinked and pushed himself up. “Right.”

  “Bye.”

  Mike spun round. “No. Come in.”

  Caleb shook his head.

  “Look. He was someone I used to work with. It was a game. Seeing how long we could fuck without coming. It didn’t mean anything.”

  “It meant something to me.” Caleb reached past him and opened the door. “You’re not the sort of boyfriend I want.”

  “What?” How could Mike look so shocked?

  “You cheated on me. That’s not cool, Mike. You thought I wouldn’t be at the party. Although I don’t know how you thought no one would tell me. We’re done.”

  “Fuck you. Fuck you.” Spittle flew from Mike’s mouth, hurt and anger clear in his eyes.

  Mike stumbled from the car and fell heavily onto the pavement. When he didn’t get up, Caleb groaned and went round to help him to his feet, only to be backhanded for his trouble. Mike shoved him to the ground and kicked him in the side.

  “Mike! Stop it.”

  When Mike fell over trying to kick him again, Caleb staggered to his feet, locked the car and helped him up.

  “Have you taken something?” he asked.

  “Fuck off.” Mike shoved him so hard that they both stumbled to their knees.

  Caleb had a knifelike pain in his side from Mike’s kick. I should just bloody go. But an inbuilt need to help those in trouble meant that instead of getting back in his car, he levered Mike upright, pushing and dragging him the few yards to the door.

  “Don’t leave me,” Mike whispered.

  “Not until I get you into bed.” Shit, that sounded wrong.

  Caleb fumbled in Mike’s pocket for his keys and Mike squirmed against him. Whatever the idiot had taken hadn’t had an effect on his libido, or maybe he’d taken something to make his cock like iron. Caleb maneuvered him inside and pushed the door closed.

  “I was going to ask you to marry me.” Mike pulled away and swayed in front of him. “Share my home, my life, my money. Maybe you’d share that fucking box with me then.”

  Caleb felt as though he’d taken a step onto ground that wasn’t there. He opened his mouth to speak, but Mike’s fist struck his cheek and knocked the words out of his head and his glasses from his face. He staggered back, rubbing his face. “Stop hitting me.”

  “I love you,” Mike spat out. “I fucking love you.”

  Before Caleb registered what Mike was going to do, Mike had wrapped his hands around his throat and squeezed. “You’re not leaving.”

  Caleb usually walked away from drunken guys, and now he was scared. Mike was much stronger than Caleb. They were the same height, but Caleb was skinny and Mike had wide shoulders and muscles in places Caleb hadn’t even known you could build muscles. He could feel panic rising. If he let it overwhelm him now, he’d be unable to do anything.

  He clung on to Mike’s forearms, brought his knee up into Mike’s groin and to Caleb’s relief, the guy let him go with a bellow of pain and rage. Before Caleb could open the door and escape, Mike threw himself at him and knocked him onto the floor. Fear sent adrenaline racing through his body and locked his lungs.

  “You fucking bastard,” Mike screamed, and rolled Caleb over to pin him on his back. “I’ve put up with all your shit and this is how you repay me? You never open up. I know nothing about you, but guess what? I know what’s in that fucking box. I looked. It’s hardly treasure. Why couldn’t you show me? You won’t explain those marks on your body, those fucking tats you won’t let me see in the light. You didn’t even know how to fuck until you met me. You still don’t.”

  Caleb lay still and silent as Mike spat out one hurtful thing after another. All he had to do was breathe. In. Out. In. Out. Don’t lose control. He wasn’t going to die. Everything would be fine.

  Finally, Mike had had enough. “You wanker.”

  “You think I don’t know how to fuck?” Caleb gave a quiet laugh. “At least I don’t feel I have to give a performance every time I take my clothes off.”

  He watched as the color drained from Mike’s face, watched as his energy drained away too.

  Mike slid to one side and ran his finger over Caleb’s mouth. “I made you bleed,” he whispered. “Don’t go. Don’t leave like this. Don’t leave me when I’m like this.” He pressed his lips against Caleb’s, gently this time. “Why do you hide your eyes under those lenses? They’re such a beautiful color. Sorry I fucked up. Forgive me?”

  Caleb nodded. No.

  “We need to talk.” Mike rubbed his thumb over Caleb’s mouth. “You can’t throw away what we had.”

  “You threw it away, not me.”

  When Mike pushed himself into a sitting position, Caleb realized Mike had snagged his mobile phone from his pocket.

  “Give it back,” Caleb said.

  Mike stood and shoved the phone into his own pocket. “After we’ve talked.”

  Caleb didn’t want to talk. He wanted to leave. He grabbed his glasses and levered himself upright, pain spiking all over his body. Mike leaned against the front door as if he feared Caleb would wrench it open and run, which was exactly what Caleb wanted to do.

  He held out his hand. “Give me my phone.”

  “The building work’s finished, right?” Mike asked. “You can take a week off. We can fly someplace hot. I’ll pay. We need to sort ourselves out. It’s not all my fault.”

  Mike hadn’t even remembered Caleb didn’t have a passport.

  “It was mostly my fault,” Mike said, probably because he saw the annoyed look on Caleb’s face. “But it’s your fault too for not telling me how you feel.”

  There was no way of mending this, not even before the punches, especially not after them. Mik
e was right. Caleb hadn’t told him how he felt, not until now.

  Mike wrapped his hand around Caleb’s and tugged him toward the stairs. “I’m tired. We can sort this out tomorrow.”

  Caleb let himself be pulled forward. Was it fear of what would happen if he didn’t? A desire for one last fantastic fuck to show Mike’s words up as lies? So he could leave knowing how much Mike wanted him?

  Being wanted might have empowered Caleb, but to give in to it made him a fool. He knew better than to stay close to violence when there was a choice. Mike hadn’t seen him in a full-blown panic attack and Caleb didn’t want that to change.

  At the top of the stairs, Mike wrapped his arms around him, nuzzling into his neck and Caleb felt no surge of excitement, even though the junction of his shoulder and neck was one of his trigger points.

  He helped Mike into the bedroom and over to the bed, where the guy collapsed facedown. Caleb tugged off Mike’s shoes without him stirring, but when he reached for the pocket holding his phone, Mike rolled to block him. Caleb figured that within a few minutes, Mike would be in a sound-enough sleep that he could shove him the other way and retrieve his phone without waking him.

  He pushed open the sliding door into the bathroom and checked his face in the mirror, being careful not to look into his eyes. He had blood on his cheek and by the side of his mouth, and darkening bruises in a couple of places. Caleb rinsed out his mouth, then put his hand to his jaw and stretched it. At least nothing was broken.

  At the sound of the door sliding shut, Caleb spun around.

  “You’re not leaving,” Mike said from the other side.

  Caleb leapt at the handle but couldn’t pull the door open. He yanked at it but it didn’t budge. How the hell had Mike secured it? “Open it,” Caleb yelled. There was no window to escape through, no way out.

  “I need to sleep,” Mike mumbled. “And I don’t want you to leave. Sorry.”

  Caleb listened as Mike staggered across the bedroom. “Mike! Let me out of here.”