Give Yourself Away

by Barbara Elsborg

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Please take the key. March could feel panic surging inside him at the thought of losing Caleb all over again.

  “You can’t mend me,” Caleb said quietly. “Don’t let that be the reason you want me.”

  March understood what Caleb meant about mending him, and yet didn’t, so it was better to keep his stupid mouth shut. But why was it wrong to want to make Caleb happy, to help him have the life he deserved?

  “I want you because you’re mine. The only one for me.” Even as the words came from his mouth, March wondered if he’d said them too soon, whether he sounded too much like Liam. Before Caleb could speak, March got out of the car.

  Caleb exited on the other side. “Want to make some hot chocolate while I shower?”

  March nodded.

  While making the drinks, March thought about what Caleb had said. As confident as March had felt about a future for them, he sensed it drifting away. Caleb was right. March wanted to make up for what happened when they were kids. But that wasn’t all of it. March had wanted Caleb before he knew his true identity, but wanting Caleb wasn’t enough. Caleb had to want him too, enough to tell him everything.

  Caleb came back barefoot, wearing just his jeans, the top button undone.

  March’s hand slipped and he spilled the chocolate he was pouring. The yo-yo in his pants reacted instantly, pushing against the confines of his jeans.

  They settled at either end of the couch, lounging face to face, their legs partly entwined.

  “I don’t know whether to be happy or sad,” March confessed.

  “Be happy. There’s no point in sadness.”

  “You astonish me. I’m…I’m so proud of you.” March wasn’t sure of the right thing to say, but that looked as though it had pleased Caleb.

  “I keep wanting to pinch myself,” Caleb said.

  “Me too.”

  “Sometimes I managed to dream myself to another reality, create a world outside that room where I could do anything I wanted, be anyone I wanted. And sometimes I cried when I woke because I’d been so sure I was somewhere else. I’m still having trouble believing I’m looking at you, touching you, wondering if my desperation has managed to create a reality so powerful, so fucking fantastic that it’s fooled my senses and I’m really sitting in a chair in a psychiatric ward.”

  “I’m here. I’m real.” Forever…if you want me.

  “Yeah.” Caleb smiled.

  “How did you get away? How did Liam die?”

  Caleb sipped his drink and March saw his hand shake.

  “I’ll get there. I just need you to understand how things were.”

  March nodded.

  “Liam told me all the time that he loved me. He wanted me to say it back.”

  At those words, March sank his teeth into his cheek.

  “And I said it because making him happy was better than making him angry. What I didn’t do was say it first. Not for a long while anyway. But in the end it made no difference because it was the boy he wanted and not the man I’d become, and I was afraid, after surviving so long, Liam not wanting me would be my undoing.

  “So I played at being young, behaving like a child, because I didn’t want him to kill me. My biggest fear was that he’d not come back and I’d starve to death and no one would know.” Caleb released a shaky breath.

  “I think even in those last few years, he still loved me in his warped way, but it was out of a need to control and possess. So never really love at all.”

  March slid his hand to Caleb’s and squeezed hard. “Whatever you had to do, you had to do.”

  “Like you jumping into the sea?”

  March chuckled. “The best thing I ever did in my entire life.”

  “I don’t like it when you’re reckless. I don’t want anything to happen to you.”

  Oh God. “I’ll look before I leap next time.”

  “Promise?”

  The weight in that one word hung heavy in the room. Easy to say, to promise, and then carry on in his own sweet way, but something in Caleb’s face made him want to mean it. “I promise.”

  Caleb nodded. “One day, after so many years in the same room, I woke in a different one, in a stranger’s bed. I saw the sky through the window and thought I had to be dreaming. Either that or I was dead.”

  March could barely stand to spend more than a few hours in the same place. If I’d been trapped in one room, I’d have gone mad.

  “Later, I discovered Liam had held an auction for me on the Dark Web. Jasim had seen me in videos, bid for me and won me for ten visits, three hours each time. He told me he was a Saudi prince. Maybe he was. He was in his late thirties, early forties, about the same height as me, but bigger, stronger. He always looked as though he was trying to grow a beard and failing. He was…rough. He wanted to fuck me hard.”

  March told himself not to tense. Nothing Caleb was going to say would be good.

  “Liam made sure I was heavily doped up when he took me to Jasim. Now, I think it was Rohypnol he gave me and the addition of alcohol enhanced its effects. I was never aware of Liam taking me from the room until I managed to trick him.

  “I pretended to eat, pretended to drink the whisky, pretended to take the pill. But when he brought in a crate, I panicked and he realized I’d been faking. So he stuck a needle in my neck.

  “Whatever he injected wore off enough for me to talk coherently to Jasim. I pleaded with him to help me, told him Liam had taken me when I was eleven and he was drugging me against my will. Then Liam knocked on the door because time was up.”

  March took Caleb’s empty mug from his hand and put it on the floor with his own.

  “I don’t know exactly what Jasim said to Liam. He offered to buy me, but Liam was never going to let me go. That was when Liam did this to my back. I don’t know where he got the tattoo equipment. He tied me down. I ended up covered in blood. When he’d finished, he didn’t let me see. He removed the mirror from the bathroom. He smirked when he left the room.

  “On my next visit to Jasim… Oh God, Jasim was…furious.” Caleb paused. “He still fucked me, though.”

  “Christ.”

  “Jasim thought I’d agreed to be tattooed, even when I told him I hadn’t and I didn’t even know what Liam had tattooed on me. Liam had fed him a pack of lies and Jasim believed him not me, but when Jasim pushed me to a mirror, held me by the neck and shouted at me, I cried and threw up the little I had in my stomach.”

  March breathed out deeply.

  “I think that convinced him because he held me then, wrapped his arms around me and just held me. It was the first time he’d been kind. The first time in nearly twelve years I’d been shown real kindness.

  “Jasim left me showering and when I came out of the bathroom, he gave me a pill and it brought me down. I was calmer, less manic. There was pizza to eat and he said that was the way he’d got the drug he’d just given me past Liam. I understood then that Liam waited somewhere nearby, that he knew who went into and out of the apartment.

  “I explained how Liam had snatched you as well, that he’d locked me away and been abusing me since I was eleven. I told him Liam had done that to my back because I’d asked Jasim for help, and that Liam wanted Jasim to understand I belonged to him and only him.”

  “Did he call the police?”

  “No. He didn’t offer and I didn’t ask him to. I knew it would drag him into a shitstorm. I just wanted him to keep me and not let Liam take me back. But he wouldn’t, said he couldn’t. Not this time. I cried and begged.”

  Caleb’s face had paled and March swallowed hard.

  “Jasim told me to have patience, and he’d do what he could. I suspect Liam thought Jasim wouldn’t want to see me again after that day. Jasim said the next time he saw me would be the last and to trust him. Then he kissed me. He’d
never kissed me like he did then. It was different, sweet, and it made me hope, made me think a small part of him might care.”

  The ache in March’s heart grew more painful.

  “Jasim said he’d named one of his polo ponies after me. Tye’s Dream.” Caleb let out a choked sob. “I’m not supposed to tell anyone about this, about what he did. I promised I never would, so you have to promise too.”

  “I promise.”

  “Don’t be so quick.”

  “I’d never betray you. Ever.”

  “It’s not me you’d betray, but Jasim.”

  March didn’t like this guy, didn’t like that Caleb had been sold for rough sex. Why hadn’t Jasim helped Caleb the first time they met? Then that would never have happened to his back.

  “Tell me,” March said, though he’d guessed.

  “Jasim killed Liam for me.”

  March exhaled. “I wish I could thank him.” It was the truth, though March also wanted to hit him.

  Caleb’s mouth twitched. “Yeah well, remember, if by any fluke you ever meet him, you’re not supposed to know.”

  “What happened?”

  “I woke in my concrete room and knew before I even opened my eyes that something was different. My bed, my pillow, but there was movement in the air. A draught. The two doors were open and Liam wasn’t there. I didn’t move because I thought it was a trick. He’d done it before—let me think he was releasing me and when I’d run to the door he’d slam it in my face and snigger.”

  “What a fucking bastard.”

  “When I sat up, I saw a backpack on the floor. Inside it were bundles of cash, a bankcard and documents, including a birth certificate in the name of Caleb Jones. Next to it were a pile of clothes and a pair of sunglasses.”

  “I thought you’d picked the name.”

  Caleb shook his head. “I liked it, though. A lot later I went to the library and looked up what it meant. Dog. I didn’t like it as much then.” He laughed. “Another book said Caleb meant wholehearted, loyal, faithful and true. Which dogs are, I suppose. On the other side of the clothes was a piece of paper and, beyond that, a phone. On the paper it said ‘Choose’.

  “I’d already made up my mind about what I’d do if I ever got out. I left the phone where it was and dressed. Apart from the ballet belt, it was the first time I’d put clothes on in twelve years.

  “Liam had delivered me to Jasim’s place in a crate—bound, gagged and naked. But Jasim never saw me until I was out of the container. Liam removed me the same way. I don’t cope well in confined spaces. Not sure I ever will.

  “I hated the jeans and shirt and jacket, but loved them at the same time. They itched, hurt, felt uncomfortable. The shoes were the worst. They fit, but my feet weren’t used to being constrained by something stiff. I could barely walk.

  “I packed what I wanted to take—the little birds I’d made were the most precious things—and headed out of my prison, still not believing, still thinking it was one of Liam’s tricks. I found stairs and climbed them—couldn’t believe how hard it was to do that—and I saw Jasim standing in front of a door. My heart leapt into my throat. He was wearing a hooded white coverall and gloves and I wondered—‘Am I going to die?’ He pushed open a door on his right.

  “It was an ordinary room with a couch and a coffee table and a big TV. Liam was hanging from a light fitting, a chair tipped over at his feet. His tongue protruded and he wasn’t moving. I looked at him from the doorway and felt nothing. He wasn’t worth wasting any emotion over, not even relief.

  “Jasim told me I had to leave. He said no one would ever know I’d been there. There would be no DNA evidence to link me to the place or the man. I could begin again. Liam had made a lot of money from what he did to me and Jasim had put it into a savings account. I started to tell him I didn’t want it and he stopped me, said I could decide what to do with it but not to rush.

  “He reached out as though he was going to touch me, but didn’t. He said, ‘I’m sad to lose you, my broken bird. But you deserve better than this. What he did to your back was my fault. I wanted you too much.’ And the terrible thing was that I wanted him to want me, even though I knew he wasn’t good for me, but because I was scared to be on my own. He asked me what I was going to do and I told him I was going to look for you, in case you were still alive. That was when he told me I couldn’t, and there was no point anyway.”

  “Why?”

  “He said my priority had to be getting myself better, mentally and physically, and then building a new life for myself. That if I searched for anything in my past I could get myself and him in trouble. He told me about the Internet, that I’d soon find out its wonders, but there were dangers in it too. Put certain search terms in and I could bring him down and ruin any chance I had of an ordinary life. Jasim said he couldn’t afford anything being traced to him. That it could get him killed. And if news got back to him that I’d done what he told me not to, I’d be in trouble. That he would find out.”

  “He threatened you?”

  “He reminded me of what he’d done. He killed Liam. Freed me. To not search was the price of my freedom.”

  March was horrified and trying not to show it. “But you looked for me?”

  “I told you I went to your house. Came up blank. The Internet was too tempting to ignore, but what Jasim said repeated in my head every time I thought about typing in your name, my name, details of that day. I decided that I’d Google once. Just your name, but I found nothing. It would have been easier if you’d had a slightly more common name. Course John Smith would have been hopeless, but there is only one Baxter Carne.

  “Yet you weren’t on the Internet. If I’d keep digging, I probably would’ve found old articles about when you escaped. If not on the Internet then on microfiche or in old papers, but Jasim knew I’d looked online. I have no idea how. Nor do I know how he discovered my phone number, but he sent me a text message and made it clear what would happen if I looked online again.” He gulped. “I’d used up my one pass. So I let the past die.”

  “Fuck.”

  “It was Jasim who told me my father had died in a car crash, my mother had killed herself and that you were dead. He told me you’d slit your wrists.”

  March let out a gasp of astonishment. “What the fuck?”

  Caleb reached for March’s wrist and ran his thumb over the scar. “Doesn’t mean he knew you’d tried.”

  “Doesn’t mean he didn’t. This guy sounds as if he could have found me without too much trouble.”

  “He probably did, but maybe the last thing he’d want was the pair of us together, you persuading me to go to the police, Jasim being exposed.”

  March exhaled. “Does he still want you?”

  “After he’d shown me Liam’s body and talked to me, he opened the door to the outside world, pointed me in the direction of a station then kissed me goodbye. Just a press of his lips to my cheek. He said I’d never see him again as long as I kept under the radar.”

  March swallowed. “Did I ask the wrong question? Do you still want him? Do you miss him?” He hated that he had to ask.

  “No, not now. I did for a while. I was scared of the new world I was about to walk into. The idea of being cared for by someone who’d go so far for me was appealing to the point that I almost begged to stay with him, but I knew deep down that I needed to stand alone. That was the price for him doing something terrible and wonderful. Maybe he was punishing himself by making me leave him. I don’t know. The other price is that I worry about everything.”

  “What did you do after you left?”

  “I walked until my feet hurt and then I sat on a hilltop and watched the sun come up for the first time in twelve years. I realized then why Jasim had given me sunglasses. I was very sick for a few weeks while the drugs worked their way out of my system. I stayed in a hotel, lived off room service
until I felt well enough to leave.

  “I checked the papers every day after I escaped, to see what was said about Liam. It took a few days before he was discovered. ‘School Caretaker Found Hanged.’ I was surprised he’d given us his real name. There was no mention of the room. No mention that he was a pedophile. A fucking popular caretaker.

  “Seeing a psychologist helped, but learning to live was something I had to do on my own. I’d survived twelve years in that room. I was determined to make a new life for myself.

  “You know some of the rest. After I looked for you, I went to London, and it was there I learned to live in the world I’d lost. I’m still learning.” He smiled briefly. “Spent my days exploring shops. Ate and drank things I’d never had before, and made myself sick. Went to the optician and found I needed glasses. That was when I decided to change the color of my eyes with contact lenses. Went to the dentist and had my teeth cleaned.” He laughed. “I really enjoyed that. Even having to have a couple of fillings. I found a job. I liked that too. That was the good stuff.

  “There was a lot of bad—irrational fear, hiding in my room, silence. To start with, it felt like the littlest thing sent me spiraling into a panic attack. I found ways to cope; when they failed, looked for others. I even spent a couple of hours in a reptile house staring at snakes.”

  “You hated snakes.”

  “I was trying to remind myself there were worse things than me worrying about a dead guy.”

  “Do you think Jasim sent the roses?”

  Caleb hesitated. “Yes, no, but I don’t know who else it could be. He said that would be the last time I’d see him and I believed him. I haven’t done what he told me not to. After I looked for you that once, I stopped.”

  March straightened. “But you haven’t actually seen him, have you? And it fits. He took care of you then and he’s taking care of you now. Tell me about each occasion when a rose was left.”

  “The first was when I left flowers at the crematorium for Simon. There was a single rose and the message ‘I’m the only one allowed to hurt you’. That was what Liam used to say.”