“Why? Why can't we just be us again?”
Tears filled my eyes. “Because I meant what I said. I love you. I've loved you since that first day in fifth grade. There hasn't been a moment since that I haven't loved you. And on Friday, when you kissed me... I know you felt it, too. Tell me you didn't.” I reached out my hand and he gripped it in his. The rough skin of his palm pressed against mine.
“I felt it.” He lifted our joined hands and pressed the back of my hand to his lips. He pulled me towards him, his other arm wrapping around my waist. Our lips met for an all too brief moment, then he pressed his forehead to mine.
“I meant what I said, too. I'll love you forever.”
I could hear it in his voice. I braced myself for what would come next.
“But I'm not ready. I'm only eighteen and I need to do stupid things. Being with you like that...It means I can't do those things. Not without hurting you. Not without you hating me.”
I swallowed, pushing painfully past the lump in my throat. I forced myself to break contact with him. Every inch of me cried to go back into his arms, but I resisted.
“Then I don't want to see you again.”
“Come on, Dani. We can move past this. I don't want to lose you.” There was a pleading in his voice that I hadn't heard in so long, and everything in me cried out to give him what he wanted. But I couldn't. I couldn't do that and look at myself in the mirror.
“I guess it's my turn now,” I said with resignation.
“Your turn?” he asked confused.
“I'll love you forever, Reece.”
I turned and walked away. The tears falling from my eyes. There was no one to pick me up this time.
Chapter Twelve
The walk home had never been so long. Every step was like pulling my foot out of a pool of quicksand, only to find myself stuck in it again. The tears wouldn't stop. I didn't sob or heave, just wept silently.
I didn't know what I would do. How would I go on from here? After Jace's death, I didn't have a choice. Grandma died four weeks later in a car accident and then the trial started. Everything, everyone had pushed me on, leaving Jace behind. But this time Reece would be there every day a constant reminder of what would never be.
Martha and Paul were still home when I arrived. I didn't bother trying to sneak in. I walked through the living room past Paul sitting in his recliner reading the paper. He glanced up at me, confused at first, but then concern set in. He got up and followed me into the kitchen where Martha was working on a scrapbooking project at the table.
I opened the fridge and pulled out a cool gel eye mask. Martha had picked them up for me during the summer when she'd gone to Mexico with a girlfriend, and I had tossed them into the fridge, doubting I'd ever use them. Now seemed like a good time.
Behind me, I felt their joint stares and I turned to face the music. They glanced at each other then back at me.
“What's wrong, Dani? Are you feeling okay?” Martha asked.
“I'm fine.”
“Dani, you never skip school. What happened?” She looked to Paul for back up.
“I...” When a sob threatened to erupt, I paused and let it subside. “I don't want to talk about it.”
“Is this about-”
“Please,” I begged, cutting her off. “Not right now. I'm fine, and tomorrow I'll go back to school. But right now...I just need to be anywhere else.”
Martha opened her mouth to protest, stopping when Paul shook his head in warning.
“Just let us know if you need anything, sweetheart,” he said, then dragged Martha from the room.
I went to my room and pulled the eye mask into place, collapsing on the bed. The pain was bad, but the disappointment was even greater. I always thought Reece would stand by me through anything. How could he tell me that he did love me, but didn't want to be with me? He had a choice. That was more than a lot of people had. It was more than Jace and Kayla had.
I could still remember the first time I'd seen her after Jace's funeral, three months later.
I was walking home from school, skirting the edge of the park when I saw her. I hadn't been back since everything happened. She was poised on a swing, her feet dragging in the dirt. With her hands dangling at her sides, only the chains pressing against her shoulders kept her from falling forward.
Unsure of what I wanted to say, I approached her silently. I gripped the chains of the neighboring swing. She knew I was there, although the only acknowledgement I got was the tight closing of her eyes. She looked so sad with her eyes sunken and circled with a deep blue. Even her hair looked sad. The normally bouncing curls hung limp and dull down her back.
I sank into the swing, propelling myself backwards. Lifting my feet, I glided forward, the rush of air causing my hair to flutter behind me. I could almost feel him behind me pushing me towards the clouds.
Together we sat there, simply reliving the memory of Jace in the one place he would always be. I pushed higher and higher, wishing I could reach heaven. Just to see him one more time, to hear his laugh. But it wasn't going to happen. I let go of the chains and, as I reached the highest point, I flew out, my arms stretched as I tried to stay aloft as long as possible.
I landed a few feet away, and then let myself collapse onto the ground. I rolled onto my back, staring up at the brilliant blue sky. Grandma was with Jace now. I missed her, but I was happy that Jace wasn't alone anymore. Grandma would keep him warm.
“I miss him,” Kayla said softly.
I continued to lie there, listening to her gentle weeping. I wanted to say I missed him too, but saying those words would make me feel it all over again.
“The first time I saw him, I knew he was the one. I thought he was so cute, the way his hair flopped across his forehead, the way his eyes twinkled when he looked at me. I thought he'd always be the one.”
She stood and made her way over to me. Lying down beside me, she grasped my hand and we gazed at the clouds. Being with her was like being with Jace. He had loved her; I'd heard him whisper the words to her whenever they saw each other.
“Why did he have to die?” I asked. I knew how it happened, but I still couldn't understand why God had chosen to take him from us.
“I don't know.” Her body shuddered with the force of her sobs and my own tears began to fall.
“It's not fair. He was supposed to take me to the fair this summer. He promised.”
“He would have stayed if he could have.”
I nodded, not wanting to say anything else. Talking about him was as hard for her as it was for me.
We lay there together until the sky darkened. Before the shooting it was the kind of thing I would have got a whooping for, but lately Mama hadn't noticed anything other than her empty bottle.
Eventually, Kayla sat up, breaking our bond. “I'm gonna miss seeing you, Dani.”
“Where're you going?”
“Nowhere.” She stared straight ahead. “But I'm not gonna be able to see you again.”
“Why not?”
“It hurts too much.”
I'd thought I had found someone who could understand. Instead, I was being left alone again.
“I'm sorry.” She wrapped my stunned body in a tight hug. For a moment, I thought she would stay and tell me more about Jace, but she didn't. She stood up and walked away.
At the time, I didn't understand. But now I did. Reece was gone. Maybe not in the same way Jace was, but I needed him to be gone from my life. Kayla had needed to move forward with her life and I was a reminder of what she'd lost. How could I be anything else? Jace and I shared the same hair, the same eyes. Even the shape of our faces had mirrored each other.
I needed to find a way to move on from Reece. For seven years, I'd held onto him, let him hold me up.
His words about love still squeezed my heart agonizingly. What did they mean? He wasn't ready for it. How much time would he need? I could wait forever, but I wouldn't let myself. Jace's death had shown me how quickly life c
ould change, how important it was to love with every beat of your heart.
I needed to find a way to go on. I closed my eyes again, exhausted by the emotions that raged within me. As I drifted off to sleep, I saw Kayla's tear-stained face and I knew I would follow in her footsteps, or at least, I planned to try.
Reece had been a part of me for so long, even longer than Jace. I just didn't know how I was going to make it while still seeing him every day.
Chapter Thirteen
I spent the rest of the day in my room, and when Martha came by to check on me, I shouted through the closed door that I had a headache and wanted to rest. After hours of wallowing in self-pity, I picked up my notebook, and turned to my last entry.
You held my hand, brushed my cheek
You touched my skin
You kissed my lips
Every dream I had
Came to life in that one moment
I watched you walk away
Down the path and wondered
If I'd see you smile again.
You left me there standing
Hoping
The words brought everything about that night back. How could I have written this only days ago and now find them so devastating? Grabbing my pen, I crossed through the last line then put down my new words.
You left me standing broken
Every dream I had
Lay shattered at your feet
I walked away, down that path
Wondered if I'd ever smile again
I left you there,
I left you there.
I shut the book in resignation. There was nothing left inside of me. Some songwriters wrote from pain and despair, but I couldn't. I was empty.
Paul's call when dinner was ready went unanswered. I wasn't hungry, just sick. I went to sleep early and slept late. When I rolled over to look at the alarm clock the next morning, I was surprised to see that it was almost eight o'clock.
I scooted to the end of the bed, and swung my feet to the floor. I didn't bother with my slippers, enjoying the cool feeling of the hardwood under my toes. With the lack of feeling inside, I wanted some sensation to flow through me. I went to the mirror hanging over my dresser and cringed at the sight that met me. I looked dreadful. My eyes were swollen and bloodshot, while the rest of my face was unusually pale.
I was going to be late for school, but I didn't care. I just wanted to make it through the day. I shuffled into the kitchen. Martha and Paul gave me a startled look. Apparently, they'd assumed I'd already left for school.
“Aren't you going to be late, dear?” Martha asked.
I shrugged a shoulder in response. Her face darkened and a scowl replaced her gentle smile.
“Dani, I don't know what's going on with you, but you have a responsibility to go to school.”
“Martha...” Paul said trying to calm her.
“No, I'm not going to let this go again. She moped around yesterday and we let her get away with not doing her chores. Now she's going to be late for school.” She turned back to me. “Unless you tell us what's wrong, I expect you to be ready to go in fifteen minutes.”
Martha and her power trips. Normally, she was a soft, loving woman, but mess with her plans or organization and the bitch came out. She was the reason I was obsessive about the state of my locker, why there was never an item out of place in my room. When I first moved in with them, I learned quickly that Martha's golden rule was 'a place for everything and everything in its place'. I'd been so scared that I'd end up in another foster home if I left a mess, I found myself becoming as much of a fanatic as Martha.
“Reece and I...had a disagreement.”
“Is that it?” She sighed. “You've been best friends with that boy since the day you met. This will blow over and you'll be friends again before you know it.”
I shook my head and felt the tears pooling in my eyes. “Not this time.”
She didn't say anything for a moment, studying my reaction, my words. I watched as understanding dawned.
“Oh, Dani.” Her stern facade drained away and she wrapped me in her arms. Over her shoulder, I saw Paul watching us completely baffled.
“I just need some time.”
“What about your assignments?” Paul asked.
“I'll catch up. I just need a couple days.”
“Just a couple, Dani. You can't let this ruin your chances at a scholarship.” Ah, Martha's plans for my future. God forbid I put them in jeopardy.
I graced them with a grateful smile, and then extracting myself from Martha's embrace, I reached into the freezer for a couple of waffles. Popping them into the toaster, I tried not to notice the sympathetic looks they were throwing me.
I spent the rest of the day reorganizing my music collection online, creating playlists, and downloading new songs. Listening to the thumping beats was a welcome distraction from thinking about Reece.
It was almost three-thirty when the doorbell rang. I leapt up from my desk and ran to my bedroom window. Inching the curtain back carefully, I peeked out and my heart jumped when I saw Reece standing there. My first instinct was to go to the door, let him in, and tease him until the frown that marred his face disappeared. Instead, I dropped the curtain and went to my door, listening as Paul answered the door.
“Reece,” he greeted him.
“Hey, Mr. Thompson.” Reece coughed into his hand and tried to glance around Paul. I quickly pulled back behind the doorframe, praying that he didn't see me. “I...Dani wasn't at school today. I just wanted to make sure she was okay.”
“She's fine, just taking a few days off. She's been working so hard that we wanted her to relax before the semester finals started.” I wanted to hug him for trying to help me save face.
“Oh, well would I be able to talk to her?”
“I don't think that's such a good idea right now.” There was a steel to Paul's voice that seemed to tell Reece that he knew, or at least suspected, what was going on.
“Could you tell her I'm sorry?”
“Son, I don't know what happened between the two of you, but I know Dani, and she's not ready to hear that yet. Give her some time. Give yourself some time.” Before Reece could respond, Paul shut the door.
I sagged against the wall, wishing I had the strength to go out there and confront Reece, to thank Paul. But I had nothing left in me.
Why did people think that saying sorry made everything better? That if they asked, they would be absolved and not feel the guilt or regret for their actions? Sinking to the ground, I remembered when my father had asked for my forgiveness.
Jace had been gone for two years. Each day got a little easier to deal with. Maybe if things had been different at home I would have moved on, but they weren't and I didn’t.
“Dani!” Mama called from the door to our room.
I was riding an old bike around the parking lot. We'd been staying in the small motel for almost two months, and one day I'd found the bike leaning against the dumpster. The back tire was flat and the frame was nearly rusted through in a few places, but it gave me something to do on the weekends.
“Dani!”
“What?” I finally yelled back.
“We're leaving. Come get your coat.”
I rode the bike to the side of the building, then leaned it against the stucco wall. Hopefully it would be there when I got back. A family with three kids arrived the night before, so if I wanted to keep the bike, I might have to fight for it.
I ran to our room and pulled my windbreaker from the dresser, then raced Mama to the massive Ford LTD parked outside our room.
“Where're we going?”
“It's a surprise. For your birthday.”
“But my birthday isn't for three months.” Excitement tingled through me. Last year she forgot and used the money we had to buy another bottle of gin.
“I know, but this surprise won't be here next year.”
“What is it?” I asked, bouncing in the seat.
“Not telling,” she
teased, a secretive smile brightening her face.
I spent the next hour begging her to tell me, but she refused to spill the details. The building we finally pulled up to caused my stomach to lurch. I'd never been there before, but I knew what it was. Prison. Mama had taken me to visit Daddy for my birthday.
Following Mama blindly, I stood in complete shock while she filled out paperwork. A guard smiled at me as he pressed a stamp to the back of my hand. I looked down, but didn't see anything.
“When you leave, we'll shine a light on it and it'll glow, telling us it's safe to let you leave,” he explained.
I nodded mutely and let Mama guide me into a large room.
Daddy wasn't there yet. I sat at a table and tried to block everything out. At the table across from us, I saw a young boy yelling at his mother. A guard came over and told her to get him under control or their visit would be terminated. She gave the kid a look that instantly had him sitting silently on the bench. I wondered if he wanted out of there as much as I did.
“There he is,” Mama said.
I glanced in the direction she was looking and watched him walk towards us. He was smiling. Mama stood up and went to meet him, wrapping her arms around him. I'd never be able to do that to Jace again.
“Hey, Dani girl.” He looked at me expectantly.
Did he really think I was going to hug him? I'd done everything I could as a seven year old to make sure he was punished for what he did, and I still thought he got off easy.
When I didn't move he sighed and sat down across from me. Mama sat next to him, holding his hand. I sat alone, my hands clenched into fists under the table.
They chatted quietly, eyes glued to each other. I didn't hear the words they whispered. I didn't need to. Mama had forgotten. She didn't remember the hitting, the pain. She didn't remember Jace. It shouldn't have surprised me. In the months after his death, she had been consumed with drowning his memory and the knowledge that Daddy had been responsible.
“Dani...Dani?”
I blinked, finally registering that Daddy was speaking to me. I forced myself to focus on him.
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