I wondered if I should be grateful for not being able to remember my past, for not being in the same wretched state as Jason. But I wasn’t grateful; rather, the reminder that I was so far detached from what used to be my reality was disconcerting. Instead, all I could feel was gratitude for my mom’s timely intervention, that she’d stopped Clara before she could finish whatever else she’d been attempting to do to me. Without her interference, I most definitely wouldn’t be sitting around the fire with a beer in my hand, relaxing with my friends. Well, relaxing might not have been the right word, but I was alive and mostly intact, which was more than I could say for Clara.
I took a swig of my beer.
“That bad?” Sarah asked, plopping down into the camp chair beside mine. I tried not to let any hint of last night’s clandestine exploration of her brain show on my face. I hated that I’d been digging around her mind, and even more, I hated that, after finding nothing, I still couldn’t trust her.
Sarah pointed to the bottle in my hand. “You keep making a”—she twisted her features into a grimace—“face.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. “Oh, come on. I’m not that bad.”
She started shaking her head before I could defend myself. “Zoe, trust me. That’s exactly what you looked like.”
I held the bottle of beer out and studied it. She was right, I didn’t enjoy the taste, and I didn’t understand why everyone else did. “Even if it was cold, I don’t think I’d like it. I’m not sure how the guys drink this.”
“It’s because we’re men,” Harper said, sauntering over. He had a cowboy hat on and a piece of straw between his lips, an ensemble he’d readily adopted during our travels through Utah and Nevada. He stopped beside me, waggled his eyebrows, and smiled. “’Evenin’, ladies.” He dipped his hat, and once again, I started laughing. This time, Sarah joined me.
“Nice hat,” Sarah said with a snort. “Where’d you find that old thing?”
“Old thing?” Harper’s hands thudded against his chest and he displayed mock offense. “This is vintage, ladies. Vintage. Do you know what that means?”
“Yes,” Sarah said, snorting again before tossing her head back for a belly laugh. “It means it’s old, ugly, and was purposely left wherever you found it. Trust me, you should toss that thing into the fire.” She rested the paper plate holding her fourth helping of cornbread on the mound of her stomach.
I studied Harper’s hat while he poked and prodded at the fire with a thick stick, still mulling the piece of straw between his lips as he listened to Sarah’s playful teasing. The hat was tan felt, with a wide rim and a tattered, navy blue band. I kind of liked it. Although I’d probably never wear it—it was a little hideous—I was perfectly content with him doing so.
“Where did you get that thing, anyway?” I asked.
“I scavenged it. My grandmother used to tell me I would’ve been a good cowboy. It must’ve been my chivalry and good looks.” As usual, his eyebrows danced. “Anyway, it was time for a changeup.”
“I don’t see it…” I said, eyeing his dark, olive-colored skin and sable features. He seemed more islander, more exotic.
Harper shrugged, but he was right, it was time for a bit of a changeup. Like everyone else, the long days of riding, of meeting other survivors every now and again, and of having to deal with unexpected injuries, were wearing on him.
“What’s on your mind, Zoe?” Sarah asked. When I glanced at her, her eyebrows rose suggestively at me. “Jake again?”
I smiled. “No, not this time.”
“How are things going between the two of you? Are they getting any better?” She grunted as she leaned forward and tossed her paper plate into the fire.
I nodded. “Yes, actually.”
“Then what it is?” she asked, the playful lilt in her voice replaced with concern.
Sarah’s eyes were imploring when I looked at her, and unwillingly, I wondered why she was so curious. Digging around inside her mind for a brief moment, I found no malicious intent, nothing that would indicate her as a Zoe-assassin, so I tried to forget about the pact I’d made with Dani, Jason, and Gabe the night before, about the letter from my mom.
Leaning back in my chair, I opened myself up to my friend. “It’s more difficult than I thought.”
Sarah’s brow furrowed. “Am I supposed to read minds as well as be pregnant with twins? Or are you going to help me out?”
I straightened. “What? Twins? But—when…?”
Sarah smiled. “Harper heard two heartbeats during my morning checkup.”
I searched Sarah’s face for any indication of how she felt about the news…the huge news.
“Don’t look at me like that, Zoe,” she said and shook her head. “I’m fine with it.”
“Are you sure?”
She heaved a sigh before leaning her head back. “I think I sort of expected it. I mean, there’s a lot of movement in here.” She pointed to her belly. “Plus, Harper’s been extremely attentive lately. I think he already suspected but wanted to be sure before he broke the news to me.”
I saw a memory of her bursting into tears, completely despondent when she’d first received the news that she was pregnant.
“Well, I’m happy for you. At least now they’ll have each other…being the first post-apocalyptic baby would be a lot of pressure.” I smiled, offering her what little jest I could in hopes it might make her smile in return.
“Thanks, Zoe.” She nudged me with her elbow. “So tell me, what’s eating at you?”
Mind still reeling from baby news, I shook my astonishment away and leaned back in my chair again. “Not that it’s nearly as exciting as having twins, but”—I stared out at the group of friends that surrounded me—“I’m starting to loath my Ability, I guess…trying to fit in, to be accepted. It’s all more difficult than I thought it would be.”
“Really?” She let out a slow, even breath.
Again, I nodded. My Ability was proving to be my biggest enemy, making it difficult to get closer to people because they still tended to avoid me, and it forced me to know things I didn’t want to know and to keep secrets I didn’t want to have to keep. It was ruining everything.
“I’m just tired of being in people’s minds, that’s all. I wish I could control my feelers a bit better.” I watched her, waiting for a reaction. “I wish I didn’t have to carry so many secrets.”
But Sarah sat there, oblivious, picking at the food crusted on the hem of her shirt. “Look at me,” she groaned. “I’m such a pregnant mess!” Her voice was nearly a hiss, and again, I fought the urge to laugh at her expense. “I’m sorry things are so hard, Zoe. I know there’s probably nothing I can do, but if there is, you’ll let me know, won’t you?”
Offering her a quick nod and a grateful half-smile, I watched as she struggled to her feet.
“I better go change, I’m exhausted.” She gathered my hair up off of my neck, then gave it a gentle, playful tug. “Nighty-night, Zoe. See you in the morning.”
“’Night,” I said, and I watched her waddle away. Sarah was so uncomplicated, or at least she seemed that way. She spent most of her time thinking about Biggs and babies and sleep and food.
Jason, on the other hand, wasn’t. His mind was toxic most of the time, a reservoir of overflowing, dangerous emotions that would eventually suffocate him. Among his outrage and disbelief at what our mom had done was his constant concern for Dani. Over the past month, I’d learned a lot of things about my brother—he kept his emotions hidden, had a foul mouth, and was beyond stubborn most of the time—but stupidity wasn’t one of those things. He knew something wasn’t right with Dani, and although his guarded expression gave nothing away, I could feel his disquiet regarding her, as messy and convoluted as his emotions were.
Dani was trying to get better, I knew that much. What she’d seen the night we were all attacked by wild drifters and her conversation with Ralph had spurred her toward trying to take better care of herself, trying to overcome
her drifting problem…trying. But she was failing, and that was why I needed to tell Jason. He needed to know what the hell was going on with her, and she needed him if she was going to get any better.
Setting aside my nearly full beer, I walked around the fire toward Jason, Sanchez, and Biggs, hoping Dani wouldn’t decide to return from her walk with Mase, Camille, and Carlos until after our conversation ended. I wanted to avoid getting caught in the act of tattling, because no matter how necessary I tried to tell myself it was to get Jason involved, I still felt like I was betraying her.
Jason’s body tensed as I approached, his gaze questioning.
“Hey,” I said and cleared my throat, readying myself to say what I knew I should but feared Dani might hate me for forever. “Can I talk to you for a minute?”
Jason frowned minutely. “Is this about…?” He gave me a meaningful look. “Did you discover something?”
Glancing from Sanchez to Biggs and back to Jason, I shook my head. “It’s sort of personal…” I hoped that would squelch any formulating questions from our audience.
Taking a deep breath, he searched my face. Whatever he found must have convinced him that what I wanted to talk about was important, because he nodded once, slowly, and stood. “Alright. Where to?”
Without another word, I walked away from the fire, away from prying ears and distracting chatter, toward a shack that temporarily housed our things. Jason’s footsteps were heavy and methodical behind me, but stopped as I slowed in front of the shack and turned to face him.
“It’s about Dani,” I said. “I didn’t want the others to know…she’s going to be upset that I’ve told you as it is.”
Jason’s jaw clenched, and I could feel the concern rolling off him in waves.
Biting the inside of my cheek, I considered my words carefully. “I know things have been beyond crazy lately, but I also know you’ve been worried about her—”
“You saw how she reacted the night of the drifters—of course I’ve been worried.”
With a curt nod, I said, “Right, but it’s more than that, Jason.”
“She’s having a hard time dealing with all the loss…” He shrugged one shoulder, clearly trying to seem less concerned than he was. “I think she’s just been through a lot and needs some time to work through it.” I felt a spike of defensiveness come from him.
I shook my head slightly and tried not to sound too sympathetic as I explained, knowing he wouldn’t appreciate it. “She can’t stop drifting. It’s become an addiction for her, something her body seems to want, even if she doesn’t. But once she saw what happened to Scott and the other drifter in that band of wild men…let’s just say it doesn’t matter how badly she wants to stop, she’s not in control of it when she’s sleeping. She can’t fight it on her own.” I paused, allowing myself to breathe and letting Jason absorb the truth.
“Why—” He shook his head, both understanding and denial battling within him. “Why didn’t she tell me?” His composure cracked, making his voice hoarse.
I felt like I should comfort him, but I didn’t dare. “She’s embarrassed, Jason. She hasn’t told anyone. I’m the only one who knows anything about it at all—and not because she’s confided in me.” I peered into his troubled blue eyes. They were almost glowing in the moonlight. “I know Dani needs you.”
Jason took a long, deep breath and then another. “Yeah, okay. Just tell me what to do.” From the desperate plea in his eyes, I could tell that he would do anything to help Dani.
“You can null her, like you did with me. You can make it so she can’t use her Ability at all, right?”
Jason began pacing, running a hand through his hair. “Yeah, I can null her.”
“Okay, so I’ll go find her, then? Bring her back here so we can talk to her together?”
He shook his head. “No,” he said. “I’ll go.” He started striding back toward the carts.
“I think she’s by—” I started to say.
“I know where she is,” he said over his shoulder. “Meet me in the shack.”
Ten minutes later, I was leaning against a stack of Rubbermaid tubs of food and cooking utensils when Jason and Dani entered through the open doorway. Dani seemed more than a little surprised to find me waiting inside.
Pausing in the doorway, she looked at me, her eyebrows drawn together. “Did you figure out who the Monit—”
“No, Dani,” I said. “This isn’t about that.”
After a brief moment, shock and betrayal played on Dani’s exhausted features, and my guilt thickened. I felt like I was a horrible friend. She needs our help, I reminded myself.
Jason tried to pull her further inside, but she dug in her heels, glaring at him and me in turn, suspicion emanating from her. “What is this?”
“We came up with a plan…a plan to help you stop drifting,” I said.
Her eyes flicked up to mine, little more than narrow slits of emerald, and she pulled her hand free from Jason’s grasp.
I cleared my throat, trying to ignore the hurt and anger and shame radiating off of her. “I couldn’t not tell him, Dani. I’m sorry.”
“So this is—what?” Again, she took the time to glare at each of us. “An intervention?” She laughed, harshly at first, though it quickly became high-pitched and despondent. “It won’t help. Nothing will.”
Jason reclaimed her hand. “Red…”
“No!” Dani shook her head rapidly and shoved him, or tried to shove him. “You don’t get it. I’m trying. I can’t make it stop!”
“We know, Dani,” I rasped, stunned by the feral sound that had emanated from her. Her desperation and fear brought tears to my eyes. “Jason…” I looked to him, unable to speak.
He stepped forward and took hold of her upper arms. “I’ll null you for a while, help keep your mind with you instead of drifting.”
She stared at him, her eyes wide. “You—you’re sure you should do that? What about everyone else? What if they can’t use their Abilities—”
“We’ll make it work, Red. I’m stronger now, I can control it more. I’ll make it work…”
Without warning, she flung herself at Jason, clinging to him as her body shook. She was crying, but all I could feel coming from her was a sense of overwhelming relief.
~~~~~
Lying in my sleeping bag that night, warm and cozy beside Jake, I stared up at the stars through the netted top of our tent, succumbing to every thought that filtered into my head. My mind failed to do what my body so desperately wanted—to rest.
If I wasn’t thinking about my secret electrotherapy sessions with Gabe and Carlos and the dwindling hope that my memory would return, I was thinking about what had happened with Dani a couple hours earlier. Or I was thinking about my mom and the danger we were all in, or about Jason’s anguish and Sanchez’s and Carlos’s and Camille’s traumatizing pasts. I didn’t want to be the one who knew so many disturbing secrets, but I had to keep quiet because they weren’t my secrets to tell, they weren’t my problems to fix. At the moment, I just wanted my Ability to go away.
With an audible exhale, Jake rolled over to face me.
I looked at him, finding his shadowed eyes in the inky darkness.
“What’s wrong?” he asked quietly, his hand clasping both of mine, which were folded on my chest. “Are you worried about Dani?”
I turned onto my side to face him completely. I could’ve lied, I could’ve told him that I just couldn’t sleep. After all, he would never know what I was really thinking. But I didn’t want to pretend nothing was bothering me anymore. “I’m thinking about secrets, actually, and how much I hate them.”
“Secrets?” He said it with a hint of intrigue.
“Not the good kind,” I clarified.
Jake was quiet for a moment. Over the last few nights, we’d been slowly slipping into a routine that was familiar to him, but was strange to me, and, at times, awkward for both of us. Although he was happy enough being with me, I knew it wasn’t the
same for him. Still, he tried, and he did love the new me in his own way, which was as much as I could’ve hoped for.
“I know things about people, too many things,” I whispered, not wanting to think about me a moment longer. I wanted to get the corrosive thoughts out of my head…I needed to get them out in the open.
Jake was quiet.
“Dani’s losing herself to drifting. Jason’s going to try to help her overcome it, but…” I listened to Jake’s deep, even breaths before I continued, hoping that airing out the haunting thoughts in my mind would make me feel better, lighter. “Dani’s contact at the Colony, the woman who saved me back at Colorado Springs, is my mom. She created the Virus, and that night you found me in the house, she’d left me with a letter for Jason and me.” I balled my pillow up underneath my head, wanting to be at eye level with Jake. “She has another family now…she says we’re in danger, that some of the people we trust might try to hurt us…”
I knew I shouldn’t be telling him any of it—these were dangerous secrets, private, powerful secrets, and the more people who knew them, the more danger Jason and I were in—but simply voicing them made it easier to breathe, like my lungs could finally expand fully and the tension in my mind could ease.
“Please don’t tell anyone.”
Jake squeezed my hands and wrapped his arm around my back, pulling me closer to him. “I won’t,” he promised. I entwined my legs with his, feeling more solace lying in his arms than I’d ever felt before. “But if you’re in danger—”
“There’s nothing you can do. There’s nothing any of us can do. We just have to pretend we don’t know.”
“But, Zoe…”
“I’ve got my feelers out, and Jason and Dani and Gabe are on the lookout, too. I’ll be fine.”
Out Of The Ashes (The Ending Series, #3) Page 22