Although I could sense Jake’s extreme dissatisfaction, could feel the tension it caused in his body, he left the topic alone, his touch soothing me despite his internal struggle.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I shouldn’t have told you. There’s nothing you can do about it, and it’s not your burden to bear.”
“Shhh,” he murmured. “I’m glad you told me. I just wish I could do something to help…”
After an hour of us lying there silently, Jake comforting me, my mind finally relented, and I drifted to sleep. My dreams were a patchwork of nonsensical images—images of Becca surrounded by an army of Re-gens mixed with images of Dani and Jason, and of Jake and me, the other me…
In a barn filled with morning sunlight streaming in through cobwebbed and broken windows, Jake and I lay on a bed of sleeping bags, laughing uncontrollably. I wriggled in his arms, trying to get away from his relentless tickling. His baritone laugh and my squealing were an ear-piercing chorus, but I savored the sound nonetheless. Our combined laughter resonated painfully deep.
“Seriously, Jake, stop! I’m going to pee my pants!” I pulled at his arms, trying to pry them from my body, but he tightened his hold and buried his face into the crook of my neck.
“You’re mine today…all day,” he said, his voice held a hint of promise, and my insides warmed. I ceased my wiggling and looked over my shoulder at him. Jake’s amber eyes were gleaming. Keeping his eyes on mine, he smiled and placed a kiss on my shoulder. His hold on me loosened, and I rolled over to face him.
He grinned wolfishly, melting my heart.
“You’re a bad influence,” I said as casually as possible. “Who will do my chores if I stay in here with you?”
Jake shrugged. “You can say I held you hostage.”
“Oh, I kinda like that idea,” I said and sat up. Slowly, I pulled off my t-shirt to expose my bare chest and flung my shirt into the corner of the barn. “But what if we change it up a bit?” I pushed him onto his back and crawled up on top of him.
“Yeah?” he asked. “How so?” His eyes danced with a combination of desire and amusement.
“What if it’s me who won’t let you leave? I’d be the captor, you the victim.”
Jake chuckled. “I don’t think that’s very realistic…sorry.”
I tilted my head, ignoring his taunt. “Are you sure I’m so innocent? Black widows—”
“I never said you were innocent,” Jake clarified, sitting up and rolling me over onto my back. “You definitely aren’t innocent.” He pulled me beneath him, his strong legs entangling with mine, holding me in place while his gaze trailed from my mouth to my chest and over my exposed breasts. A salacious grin spread over his lips. “But I’m definitely the captor.”
I laughed eagerly this time, impatient to feel his lips on mine, to feel his body pressed against me.
Equally impatient, he lowered his mouth to mine, one hand knotting in my hair while the other slid down the length of my body to squeeze my thigh.
He groaned in wanting.
My eyes fluttered open. The tent was still encased in darkness. That hadn’t been my dream; it had belonged to Jake. He’d been dreaming of her.
He groaned beside my ear, and my blood heated to near boiling. I’d never been so aroused. Dreaming about him on my own was one thing, but sharing a dream was another matter entirely. I wanted to feel adored and loved and coveted like that Zoe. I wanted to feel his hands on my body and his lips devouring me.
Hearing him groan again was too much. Feeling what he was feeling as he dreamed about me was too much. I couldn’t ignore it, not this time. I wanted to reclaim something of my old self.
Rolling over to face him, I tried to gather the courage to wake him up, to do something—anything—that would satisfy the emergent, burning need inside me. I trusted Jake more than I trusted anyone, so why hadn’t I given him this? Why hadn’t I given it to myself?
“Jake,” I said quietly, not wanting to frighten him awake. I perched on my elbow, watching him closely. “Jake.”
He didn’t stir.
I tried again, this time leaning closer. “Jake, wake up.”
When he still didn’t, I swallowed my apprehension and did what I thought she would’ve done. I leaned down and brushed a kiss across his lips, hoping that would wake him. It was both petrifying and enlivening. While part of me feared he would reject my advances, another part of me felt a thrill of excitement that he wouldn’t. The possibility of acceptance outweighed my hesitation, and I kissed him again, this time letting my tongue sample the curve of his soft lips. It was a kiss that felt different than others we’d shared; it was sneaky and felt dangerous, but I liked it.
Finally, Jake stirred. His lingering desire quickly gave way to confusion and then to a hazy curiosity.
His curiosity was reassurance enough for me. I leaned in further and kissed him again, more fervently, and this time, he kissed me back. His lips were soft and warm, and the whiskers around them tickled my mouth as I leaned deeper into him, as I kissed him harder…more desperately.
In the darkness, with my eyes flitting open and my heartbeat pounding in my ears, I felt one of Jake’s hands cup the side of my face. He exuded the barest amount of pressure as he gently pulled away. The soft pad of his thumb rubbed my cheek, a tender, asking gesture, before he leaned in and rested his forehead against mine, letting out a steadying breath.
Not wanting to give him enough time to push me away, I pressed my mouth to his again, seeking out his tongue with my own. He needed to know that this was what I wanted—that he was what I wanted.
Placing my hand against his chest, I let his growing lust fuel my own. The desire to feel his hard, naked chest beneath my fingertips flooded my thoughts, and I reached for the hem of his t-shirt.
Understanding what I wanted, Jake sat up, pulling his shirt off over his head and tossing it out of the way. His sudden haste was intimidating, and I hedged as he leaned into me. Despite the fantasy I wanted to play out for him, the dream that was still so vivid in both of our minds, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I felt inadequate, and as much as I yearned to feel him inside me, I was petrified.
Slowly, Jake reached forward, tucking my hair behind one ear. His tenderness was an unspoken promise that he understood my fears, that he would be gentle. With another world-altering kiss that left me feeling lightheaded, I nearly melted into an aroused, malleable heap in his arms.
Guiding me down onto my back, Jake lowered himself onto his elbow and leaned over me, covering part of my fully clothed body with his. His fingers trailed around the outline of my face, his lips brushing against mine before he kissed the tip of my nose and the sensitive skin beneath my ear, each offering putting my nerves at ease and sending my heart soaring.
I tilted my head, giving him access to more skin, while my hands explored the planes of his chest—the soft skin and corded muscle—soliciting a delicious, aching feeling I never wanted to forget…that I never wanted to go away.
I let everything Jake was feeling drive my instincts. When his breathing quickened, so did mine, and my heart pounded so loudly I was certain he could hear it. When he pressed his hips against me, I pulled him closer. When he groaned, I tightened my grip on him. When he removed my clothes, running his rough hands over my stomach and breasts, immortalizing my body, I did the same with him.
I memorized the feel of the muscles spanning over his shoulders and back. Every single touch was euphoric, every hot puff of breath against my skin devastating. And every quiver of his body sent ripples of exhilaration through mine.
I inhaled the alluring smell of him. I tasted him. I finally, truly felt him.
Just as he’d silently promised, Jake made love to me like it was our first time—like I was the virginal novice I felt like. His touch was tender, but skilled and greedy, his movements slow, but impassioned.
And when we were through, when I could no longer think and our bodies trembled with fatigue and satisfaction and we lay
in each other’s arms, I tried to ignore his emotions. I wanted to bask in my own euphoria, get lost in my own thoughts, and replay every moment of what we’d just done, but that was impossible. Jake’s emotions were amplified and raw.
Although he wrapped his arms around me, nuzzling the inside of my neck, I couldn’t help the burn I felt as, inside him, his contentment warred against an insatiable longing for someone else, for someone I could never be.
19
DANI
MAY 1, 1AE
Fallon, Nevada
“You’re mad at me,” I said as I pulled off my jeans, exchanging them for black leggings.
Jason was kneeling in the corner of the tent, his back to me as he rummaged through his pack. He didn’t say anything, didn’t confirm or deny my statement, but his shoulders stiffened, and his back straightened.
“Because I hid my—my problem from you?” I unclasped my bra and slipped it off without removing my t-shirt.
Jason exhaled heavily. “You should have told me.” He’d said those exact words to me once before, when we’d finally reunited in Bodega Bay after I received Cece’s death threat and fled with Jack and Wings.
He faced me, the emotionless statue I’d come to know so well. “You should have told me about the note when you first read it. We could have figured it out together.”
“I know.” The realization may have come slowly, but I knew that whatever happened, whatever threat loomed ahead, Jason and I would face it together. He needed to know that I believed in him…depended on him…trusted him. “I’m so sorry, Jason. I won’t leave you again.”
Though barely four months had passed, it felt like that conversation—that first kiss—happened four lifetimes ago.
“You should have told me.”
Once again, I’d let him down…I’d failed to confide in him.
I could think of hundreds of responses: You’re right, I know. I should have told you. I’m so sorry. I don’t know why I didn’t tell you. But they all felt hollow. Jason deserved better, so I said nothing. I simply stared at his back, at the way the fabric of his t-shirt strained against his broad shoulders with each inhale.
He exhaled loudly. “Why do you hide things like that? What are you so afraid of?” After a moment, he turned on his knees and sat back on his heels. Staring at me, he shook his head. “If you don’t trust me, maybe we shouldn’t be—”
Eyes wide with horror at what he was suggesting, I lunged toward him, dropping to my knees in front of him. “Shut up!” I covered his mouth with my hand. “Just shut up.”
He tensed, but he didn’t pull away.
It took me a few heartbeats to collect my thoughts. “I love you, Jason, and I trust you, more than anyone else. It’s just—” I pressed my lips together and shook my head. “This drifting thing…it’s embarrassing. It’s always embarrassing, these stupid predicaments I get myself into, and, I don’t know, I thought if you found out I was a drifting junkie, you’d finally realize that I’m more trouble than I’m worth…that being with me’s just not worth all the effort it takes to actually be with me.” Ashamed, I looked away.
Reaching up, Jason gently curled his fingers around my wrist and pulled my hand away from his mouth. “Red—” He placed his hands on either side of my face and turned my head, forcing me to look at him. “Dani, I love you. Whatever problems you’re having, you can tell me, and it won’t change that.”
I bit my lip.
He blinked, dropped his hands, and pulled back. “You don’t believe me.”
“What?” I asked, my eyes widening. He was right, sort of; part of me didn’t want to believe that he loved me, because I knew how he felt about love, especially after having a front-row view of the tragedy that was his family. To Jason, love was a weapon; it was the single most powerful way to destroy a person—or worse, to control them.
Jason frowned. “You’re afraid…?”
“How could you possibly know that?” I whispered.
He opened his mouth, then closed it again and shook his head. “I don’t know; I just do. Are you afraid of me?”
“No,” I said. “I’m afraid for you. I’m afraid that loving me will kill you.”
“That’s ironic.” He smiled wryly, coaxing a timid smile from my own lips. “I’ve never felt more alive.”
I slapped his chest, laughing softly. “I’m serious, Jason.” My eyebrows drew together. “Promise me—promise that if something happens to me, if nulling me while I sleep doesn’t work and I become as bad as Scott, or if something else happens to me, you won’t end up like your dad. You’ll keep on living…really living.”
Jason’s teasing expression sobered, and his eyes pulled me in like cerulean quicksand. “Only if you promise me the same in return.”
I bit my lip again and nodded.
“Deal,” Jason said as he leaned in. He claimed my lips in the gentlest, most tender kiss. It was sweet and delicate, and I wanted so much more…until he pulled away and said, “Are you ready?”
I sighed, my shoulders drooping. “What if it doesn’t work and you have to null me while I sleep…forever?”
He smiled, and his eyes consumed me. “I don’t think I’d mind that.”
I couldn’t help but return his smile. He’d just said he was willing to remain by my side, being my tether to humanity, for the rest of his life. I sighed as I reached for my sleeping bag. I unrolled it, and Jason did the same with his, arranging it right beside mine. And for the first time in over a month, he zipped our sleeping bags together.
I slipped into my side of the joined sleeping bags and sighed in pleasure. By the time my head touched my camp pillow, my eyes were already closing.
Still kneeling, Jason moved onto his sleeping bag, taking up a position with his knees flush against my hips. “I miss those sounds.” He brushed a stray curl away from my face, and I opened my eyes just enough to catch a glimpse of his gentle smile. “Do you have any idea how badly I want to be with you…to feel you?” He groaned, a rough noise deep in his chest. “But I can’t give in, not until we’re somewhere safe for good.”
Oh, right…because if he unintentionally nulled everyone, we’d all be in danger for who knew how long. I blinked up at him groggily. “Until we’re safe,” I mumbled.
“Yeah, until we’re safe. Sleep well, Red.” I felt Jason’s lips brush against my forehead, felt his fingertips trail down my cheek, and then sleep claimed me.
~~~~~
I blinked awake to the first rays of morning sunshine glowing through the green nylon of my tent, feeling both sleepy and rested. Groaning, I stretched in my sleeping bag, then turned onto my side. Jason was, of course, already awake. After all, the sun had already started to rise.
He smiled lazily. “’Morning.” Raising a hand to my face, he brushed the backs of his fingers down my cheek and along the line of my jaw. “You look better. How do you feel?”
I frowned, taking quick assessment of myself, starting at my toes and working my way up. “Better. Not awesome, but better,” I said through another yawn.
Jason laughed. “I think you just said ‘better.’”
I smiled sheepishly, but it contained genuine happiness…because it had worked. Jason had nulled me all night, and I’d slept and dreamed and remained in my own body the entire time.
~~~~~
Five mornings later, I woke to the feeling of Jason’s body pressed against the back of mine, to the tickle of his fingertips drawing lazy designs around my belly button. Giggling, I squirmed into him, and heard his answering chuckle.
His hand started moving lower, and I tensed, grabbing his wrist and moving his hand back up a few inches. “Jason…”
“Red…” The desire contained within that single syllable, the sheer force of need, almost made me release his hand.
“No, Jason.” I moved his hand higher, snuggling it against my chest. “No. It’s too dangerous. You said so yourself…over and over and over…”
Jason groaned and held me more t
ightly against him. “Right now, I really don’t give a fuck.”
My heart skipped a beat or three. “Yes you do.” I held my breath for a few seconds, then said, “Maybe I should start sharing a tent with Zo…at least until this is no longer such a, um, painful issue…”
“If you tried that, I’d throw you over my shoulder and bring you right back here,” he whispered near my ear.
Craning my neck, I stared into those intense eyes, as clear and blue and luminous as any tropical sea, blinked several times, then burst into laughter. “You are such a caveman sometimes, you know that?”
He watched me, amusement making his eyes dance and his lips curve upward. “You make me crazy.”
I grinned like the cat who caught the canary, leaned in for a quick kiss, then sat up and stretched my arms over my head. “Good,” I said with a nod. “My life’s work is complete.” With one final stretch, I pushed my sleeping bag down and out of the way and crawled to my folded pile of semi-fresh clothes. I exchanged my leggings and t-shirt for a sports bra, black tank top, long-sleeved shirt, and somewhat faded jeans, then headed for the tent door to slip on my boots before heading out.
“You’re in a hurry,” Jason said as he finally emerged from our sleeping bags.
I paused with my fingers pinching the zipper and shrugged. “I’m excited to get moving.” It was a big day, a milestone day, and we couldn’t afford to waste time.
Today, if everything worked out, we would reach Lake Tahoe. If everything worked out, we would meet up with Holly and Hunter, our two companions who’d remained behind with the liberated cult followers the last time we’d passed through, enjoy several days of rest and recuperation, then continue on our way.
The coast, Bodega Bay—my hometown—was mere weeks away, and it felt so close that I could almost reach out and touch it. Tahoe was one step closer to home, and I wanted to be there, now.
~~~~~
I stared at the white letters carved into a rustic sign on the left side of the highway as Wings and the other lead horses clopped past it: TAHOE WOLF AND WOLFDOG RESCUE. A long cinder-block building, a small barn, and several sheds stood on the land beyond it, with various fenced-in areas and cages arrayed around, between, and behind them. It looked like a miniature ranch, set in the most beautiful, wooded setting, and that wasn’t even accounting for the view.
Out Of The Ashes (The Ending Series, #3) Page 23