Dating Down

by Stefanie Lyons

  While pondering a geometric equation,

  my eye catches the salon sign.

  I stand up, pronounce that it’s my time for a new look.

  April:For reals?

  I nod.

  Gavin:Oh holy night! This girl’s gonna look hot!

  On the escalator to the salon, we pass

  Party Betty weighed down with bags.

  She waves, says

  she heard I dumped Hef,

  gives me a thumbs-up as we pass.

  One going up,

  the other going down

  until she reaches the top.

  Betty:He did it to all of us.

  You were just the strongest!

  She holds up her bags

  like that’s her best way to cope.

  Before I can say anything

  Gavin grabs my arm,

  pulls me into the salon.

  Two hours later, I walk out

  happily highlighted

  and ponytail free.

  A new look

  a new me

  and I

  quite like it.

  Election Night

  Dad’s ahead in the polls, but behind

  getting ready for his big night.

  Jane leans against the stairs, in pain

  holding her head all night.

  Melanie hops on my back, excited

  about babysitter night.

  Jane notices my new hair, says it’s pretty.

  I tuck a strand behind my ear, about to ignore

  her compliment, but thank her instead.

  Dad changes into a perfectly pressed shirt,

  shined shoes, sleek suit.

  All of his supporters await news

  Henderson for the people!

  Melanie and I paint stones

  eat dinner

  watch TV

  wait to see the election results.

  I deliver Jane some juice,

  actually take it to her door

  instead of turning around and tossing it.

  She’s writhing around, making no sense now

  mentions

  Christmas

  glass figurines

  cottage cheese

  apple picking

  mistakes me for Melanie

  tries to sit up

  falls back down.

  She’s scaring me.

  Her flushed face

  sweatysaddelirious.

  My last memory of Mom

  sweatysaddelirious.

  While Jane’s been playing off her headaches,

  trying to be

  the perfect wife

  the careful mother

  the diligent politician’s aide,

  she’s actually been

  the ailing wife

  the undiagnosed mother

  the weakening politician’s aide.

  I can’t undo what I’ve said to her.

  I can’t even relive the mistakes

  thinking of Jane as Queen Vanilla.

  I can’t reverse what I’ve said or done.

  But I can take control

  this time.

  Emergency Night

  My fingers jitter as I call 911,

  tell Jane they’re on their way,

  try to sit her up.

  I place a cool cloth to her forehead,

  tell her it’s going to be okay.

  She holds my hand

  says she’s ruining everything

  and that she can’t see the ocean,

  wants out of this hotel

  in time for Christmas.

  I wipe her sweaty hair from her eyes.

  She lays her head on my shoulder.

  This might be one of the only times

  we’ve touched.

  Usually,

  she’s holding Melanie,

  keeping her distance while I keep mine.

  It feels good,

  our closeness

  calmingcomfortingcaringkind

  like mother and daughter.

  Could this be something I could have again?

  Melanie rushes into the room

  sees her mommy

  Jane

  disjointed and jerky

  spewing gibberish

  Jane

  Melanie’s mother

  not my mother.

  She starts to cryrecoilcause a scene.

  I tell hermake Mommy proud

  we’re going for a ride

  and I try to be

  mother daughter sister High Priestess

  for everybody.

  Diagnosis and Recovery

  Doctors meet Jane, rush her

  through double metal doors

  as Melanie and me

  walk by her side

  wondering

  worrying

  watching.

  Jane grabs my hand

  says she’s sorry, didn’t mean to let me down.

  What does this mean?

  I try to ask, but her hand slips out of mine

  and out of sight where they’ll

  poke probe x-ray test scan

  radiate her brain

  review her paperwork and

  rule out everything.

  Sitting in a love seat

  waiting in the hall

  Melanie and me, together we

  wait for more tests

  more doctors

  Dad.

  Hours pass without any information.

  I try not to panic.

  Dad arrives just in time

  to hear the news

  from the doctor.

  After all these months,

  they’ve finally figured it out:

  Central Nervous System Vasculitis.

  Dr. Frank:She’s going to be okay.

  He pats my back.

  Dr. Frank:You got her here just in time.

  Melanie:Sam saved the day!

  Dad weeps.

  Says he couldn’t take this again

  that once is more than enough.

  Dad:For you and me.

  I agree.

  Just feeling his wet cheek, knowing

  he still

  remembersmissescares about Mom

  somehow makes it okay

  to focusworrycare about Jane.

  Miguel calls to give us the news.

  Me:I rehired him.

  Dad smiles

  agrees,

  he’s practically a Henderson.

  Me:And you’re actually a senator.

  Dad scoops us up in his arms—my sister and me.

  We visit Jane, hooked to an IV,

  together we, Melanie and me,

  next to Dad, the new state senator,

  and Jane, are all one

  little

  family.

  Chocolate Muffins

  Another wave of medical staff rush in

  patient shakesmachines beeppeople yell

  twenty-something female

  overdose

  Jessica’s gurney rolls by me.

  X holds her hand

  lying there

  pale, unaware.

  Doctors ask him to step away

  they whisk her off.

  His cheeks flush

  pink

  crimson

  burgundy.

  He

  turns, tilts his head,

  pushes back his hair

  the way I’ve seen him do a hundred times before. />
  This one move reminds me

  my own hair

  gonechangednew.

  He

  throws his arms over his head,

  sighs. I see—

  a rip in his shirt forming.

  Soon, it will

  spreadteargrow

  form a long, gaping hole.

  Suddenly,

  I’m not sad for Sam or jealous of Jessica.

  I remember that day,

  that first day he plopped down at my booth

  when I asked for a chocolate muffin.

  I want to learn about life—all of it.

  I’d said it.

  Now, I am learning about life—good and bad.

  He

  notices me.

  His eyes swim with sadness

  hoping to reach the shores

  of my sympathy.

  I

  look away,

  smile at Melanie and ask

  if she’s hungry.

  She

  nods her head,

  sucking her thumb

  and asks if we can get some

  chocolate muffins.

  We

  stand,

  holding hands

  walking toward the doors

  morning washing ashore

  hope inside finally restored

  looking forward more

  than ever before,

  I agree.

  Acknowledgments

  While this is a work of fiction, some real-life characters helped me make this book possible. And so I’d like to thank all the wonderfully supportive people who contributed to bringing this novel to life.

  In no particular order, I’d like to say thank you thank you thank you to VCFA and my advisors who helped shape this when it was just a germ of an idea at Vermont. Big thanks to the Keepers, the BrainTrust, and my first, second, third, and millionth readers—you all rock. To my family, who’ve put up with my stories since I was ten. To my dad, who is nothing like Sam’s, and to my non-fictional Gavin inspiration.

  Thanks all around to Brian Farrey-Latz for seeing something special in this story, and to all the folks at Flux for their tireless support. To my agent, Erin Harris, and her never-ending enthusiasm. And last but not least, to Rob, who reminded me many a time that it was okay to write when I felt guilty putting everything else aside. I owe you a year’s round of laundry.

  © Mary Sylvester

  About the Author

  Stefanie Lyons holds an MFA from Vermont College of Fine Arts. When she’s not writing, she’s organizing her locker, crushing on boys, practicing her clarinet, or getting ready for prom. In her head, that is. Because her teen years were great. Stefanie resides in Chicago. Dating Down is her first novel.

  Visit Stefanie at stefanielyons.com and follow her on Twitter & Instagram: @sllplatform.