When Our Worlds Stand Still

by Lindsey Iler

“And then she gave me a black eye. End of story.” Amanda hangs her head.

  “Not end of story,” Violet intervenes with a loud hoot. “I had to remove her from on top of you. She latched onto you and wouldn’t let go.”

  Bea’s eyes are wide with surprise when she glances at me. “Did you really?”

  “I’d gotten Graham back for a minute, and it felt like he was slipping away again. I was scared and unaware, and I took it out on Amanda’s face.” I shrug, taking full responsibility for my actions. At the time, it felt really nice to let out the pent-up aggression.

  “And my hair. If I remember, I had to cover a little bald spot with a hideous deep part for months.” Amanda sits forward.

  “Since we’re talking about the boys, Amanda, what about Rick?” I raise a curious eyebrow.

  “Why do you call him Rick when everyone calls him Rico?” Violet asks, interrupting my interrogation.

  My mind wanders a bit, contemplating my need to call him by his given name. “Rico’s who he is now, but someday he’s going to be Rick. I like to see people for who they’ll be, not for who they’re trying to convince themselves they are at this point in their lives.” It’s the same way I let Graham into my life, on the pretense of who he is capable of being, not the person he’d pretended to be in high school.

  A playful groan escapes Violet’s mouth. “You’re such a romantic, Ken.” She pats my leg, and I reach for her hand. Sometimes you need the stability of a sturdy hand, and no one is more grounded than my best friend.

  Once our polish is dry, we grab lunch and do a little shopping. By a little shopping, I mean Violet drags us into every store imaginable. By the time we convince her it’s time to leave, it’s dark outside. On the way back to the house, I answer Graham’s text saying he’s going to spend time with Ben. When my phone rings, I think it’s him, but my mom’s name pops up on the screen.

  “Hey, Mom. How’s it going?” I ask after pushing accept.

  “Hey, sweetie. What are you doing? How’s your trip going?” she asks. I hear a rustling noise in the background, maybe flipping pages.

  “The girls and I just finished getting our toenails done. The trip’s good. Graham lives in Connecticut,” I blurt the last part and hear a loud spewing of liquid. “Mom, did you just spit out your drink?”

  “Did you just say Graham lives in Connecticut?”

  “Sure did, but it’s too much to talk about right this second. I’ll call you when I’m back in the city,” I instruct. “I’ll talk to you soon. Love you. Bye.”

  “No, honey, don’t hang up.”

  I hear her but do it anyway.

  When we pull into the driveway, Graham’s car is gone, and I wonder if he’s still with Ben. Bea runs upstairs in search of Mark, and Violet shouts for Dan. Exhausted from the morning, I sit down on the couch and wrap a blanket around me, flipping through the channels on the TV. Fatigue takes over, and I slip down the cushions and my eyes close to darkness.

  Like usual, I welcome the quiet black of sleep.

  Until I don’t anymore.

  “Where have you been?” Dan startles me as I slink through the back door.

  I throw my bag on the counter and take off my baseball hat. When I pull out a stool to sit, I turn to him.

  “I went to visit one of the boys at the house. He had a bad night, so I went to check on him.” Dan shakes his head and smirks. “What?” I ask.

  “It’s nothing.” He glances through the kitchen doorway. “She’s sleeping on the couch.”

  I lean over the island, but my vantage point is blocked by the open hallway closet door. “How long has she been out?”

  “Close to an hour or so.” Dan takes a bite of the sandwich in front of him.

  I hear a blood-curdling scream, followed by a loud protest.

  “No … no … don’t do this.”

  The stool beneath me falls to the floor as I race out of the kitchen, Dan fast on my heels. When I burst into the living room, Rico is hovering over Kennedy. She kicks and screams, but her movements are random and uncontrolled.

  She doesn’t know what she’s doing. She’s still sleeping?

  With all my strength, I jerk Rico away from her. His body knocks over an armchair and careens into the side table. The lamp falls to the floor. Small shards of glass dance across the hardwood.

  Kennedy’s body rocks slowly in the deep corner of the couch, a blank stare on her face. When I move closer, a sheen of sweat drips down her forehead. Her chin quivers. When I take another step, she flinches at my proximity. My chest tightens at her response, and my breaths grow staggered.

  “What the fuck did you do to her?” I shout, twisting to find Amanda helping Rico off the floor. Dan runs from the room and returns with a broom to clean up the mess. I bump my chest into Rico’s. Amanda tries to put a hand between us, but I push her off. “Did you touch her? What the fuck did you do?” I push against his chest, but he braces for my blow.

  “Graham!” Amanda shouts my name at the allegation. “He would never hurt her. She had a nightmare. She has nightmares. That’s all this is.” Her hand stays out, blocking me from Rico.

  I turn as Kennedy’s tears fall down her face. Empty eyes greet me.

  She doesn’t know where she’s at.

  “Kennedy, I didn’t mean to scare you. You were whimpering.” Rico steps beside me, frantic to explain the situation. His eyes beg for my understanding. “She was whimpering in her sleep, man. I would never hurt her.” He addresses her now. “I’m so sorry. I’ve heard everything about what happened, and I should have known better.”

  At the reminder of her past, she melts into the couch, snapping back to reality. She waves him off, laying her forehead on her arm. A light whimper escapes her.

  I extend my arm to my side, blocking him from taking another step to her. “Shut the fuck up,” I yell at him.

  Amanda ushers Rico out of the room, and Dan steps to Kennedy, whispering something in her ear. He pats me on the shoulder when he leaves.

  I sit down on the couch, but this time, she doesn’t flinch. She doesn’t budge, and I’m not sure if that’s a good sign or not. Because I can’t muscle up the strength, I lean my forearms on my thighs, and my head falls into my hands. Unfamiliar thoughts unravel in my mind, and nothing I do can force them to disappear. I curse under my breath at the horrible images I create in my head. Images I’m not even sure are right, but with small bits of information, my mind creates a reality for Kennedy’s situation.

  What it must be like to never feel safe. How simple tasks are no longer as easy as they once were. She will never have a sense of relief, and her past will litter her world until she takes her last breath. She will never understand why it happened to her. Kennedy knows the cruelty in this world firsthand, and she’s stared the monster in the face, but somehow, she still finds the strength to wake up every morning. No one would fault her if she pulled the covers over her eyes to forget.

  The lump in my throat grows as I examine the situation from a different standpoint. I’ve never taken the time or perhaps I’ve been too afraid of what it will look like if I dive into the dark depths of Kennedy’s mind of that night, and all the nights after.

  To stop the tears, I rub my thumb on the corner of my eyes. When I dry the wet pads on my jeans, a hand runs over my biceps. Her grip tight, she pulls me down until I’m lying on my side in front of her. I don’t question her because I need this. The air thickens. Something monumental is about to happen.

  “Is that as bad as it gets?” I whisper.

  “No,” she answers. Her soft breath hits my neck and I close my eyes.

  “How bad, Kennedy?” I sigh.

  “It depends. I can go weeks without having an episode, Graham, and then something will set me off. An odd stare from a stranger as I walk down the street. A song. Anything reminding me of being alone and scared.” Her hand skims around my waist. I wrap my fingers around hers, pressing them against my beating heart. “Jackie came to town after the wors
t of it. I haven’t had anything like that night since. I almost feel as if I’ve purged some of the anger and frustration and fears.”

  “What night?” Kennedy has referred to that night a few times, and I’m curious as to what happened to prompt Jackie to make a trip to New York.

  “I had a bad dream. Most of the time I can snap myself out of it, but this one was different. I saw his blue eyes, and no matter where I turned my head, they were there, reminding me of that night near the tractor.” She takes a deep breath. “I don’t remember much, except what Violet’s explained to me. I broke everything in my bedroom. Without realizing my actions, I smashed everything. By the time Violet found me, broken glass from my full-length mirror was everywhere.”

  Like the dance studio.

  “She had no choice but to call my parents, and I don’t blame her. But since then, I’ve put a lot of pressure on our friendship. I’ve tested her patience and strength to withstand my demons inside me. It’s not her burden to carry. I think I’ve leaned on her in your absence.” Kennedy’s voice is distant, almost as if she’s reciting her deepest fears to herself.

  “Again, your demons don’t scare any of us,” I repeat my sentiment from the first day she walked back into my life.

  “He’s right.” Violet’s voice breaks through. Tears trickle down her cheeks.

  I sit up and hear a small whimper escape Kennedy’s lips. When I turn back to her, I pat her hand, reassuring her everything’s going to be okay.

  “You two need to talk, I think.”

  Violet smiles at me, taking the spot I’ve abandoned.

  I would have been more than happy to lay on that couch for the rest of my life, but it seems Kennedy and I aren’t the only ones who need to mend some things.

  Violet holds Kennedy as she cries into her chest. A cry I have a feeling is a long time in the making. Violet shushes her, reminding her, she’s going to be okay.

  No more words are spoken between the two of them, and I suppose that’s the point. Sometimes words don’t need to be uttered when silence is enough.

  I’m frozen for minutes, hours, seconds, I’m not exactly sure, as the girl I love, the girl I’ve always loved, fights off the demons she’s so afraid will push us all away.

  “It’s a crazy thing to love someone that much, isn’t it?” I jump from Dan’s unexpected intrusion in my silence. “Their friendship for one another holds no bounds, but still, they find enough room in their hearts to love a couple of assholes like us.”

  “You are so far from being an asshole.” My eyes keep inventory of the two of them on the couch. Violet kisses the end of her nose and Kennedy laughs. That sound will never grow old.

  “Are you two done staring at us?” Violet deadpans, releasing her hold on Kennedy and rolling off the couch. She pounces over to Dan and wraps her arms around him. She pats me on the stomach, nodding her head to the couch. “Go be with her. Disappear for a little while. Help her forget.”

  Kennedy takes my extended hand, and I lead her upstairs, under the watchful eye of Violet and Dan. Neither of us says anything. We both know we need a small blip in time to remind us the heartache and tears and pain weren’t for nothing. With a kick, the bedroom door slams behind us. I twirl her around to face me, and my heart softens under her watchful eyes.

  “Will you dance with me?” she asks. Her cheeks pink, and I smile, stepping to my stereo and pushing play on my iPod.

  I rest my hands low on her hips. Hers find comfort on my arms. We move to the music floating through the room. Her head falls to my chest. To have her in my arms like this again exceeds every idea I’ve had in my mind. Her soft skin dips under the weight of my touch as she melts into me, reveling in our movement together. My lips rest on the crown of her head. We sway to two more songs until she pulls away from me and sits on the edge of the bed.

  “It’s my last night here. We leave in the morning, so do you think we could call a truce, maybe wave our white flags at the same time?” Her eyes search mine and when she smiles, it doesn’t quite meet hers.

  “Like I said, the second you dropped to your knees I waved my white flag.” She blushes at my confession. I run the back of my finger over the pink hue. “God, I love that.” She leans into my touch. “You don’t need to be embarrassed.”

  Kennedy’s hands run over my abs and grip the bottom of my shirt, pulling me down with her until her head hits the sheet. I close the distance, landing on top of her. Running my hand over her hair, my lips find hers.

  Blunt and without fear, Kennedy plasters her lips against mine. “I like being able to kiss you whenever I want,” she says against my mouth.

  The thickness in the air tells me where we’re headed. At first, reluctance grips me. With what unraveled in my living room, I’m not sure being intimate is the best thing for Kennedy.

  “Don’t do that,” she whispers. “Don’t hold back out of fear of hurting me. Some days, I don’t think I’ve been pushed enough.”

  “Okay.” I brush the hair out of her face.

  “I promise I’ll always be honest if it becomes too much.” She lifts her hips, grazing my dick through my sweatpants. He jumps with happy approval.

  The comfort she has with me, always has felt with me, makes me grin. I bring my lips back to hers. The kiss starts slow, our skin searing into each other. My hand dips under the bottom of her shirt, pulling it up to expose her flawless skin. My lips trail down her chest to the thin skin around her belly button. She whimpers, egging me on further. I kiss and lick along her waistband, staring up at her. Her eyes are sleepy, but when I unhook the button of her jeans, they spring open.

  “Please …” she begs, lifting her ass to assist me in sliding them down her leg.

  Maybe I am what she needs. When the clouds clear and smoke fades, sometimes what you need is someone to lay next to you and show you, you’re still you.

  “I’ve got you,” I say as I toss her pants over my shoulder. They hit the floor with a quiet rustle.

  The small bow on her light pink, lace panties tempts me and I graze my finger over the knot. Spreading her thighs with my knees, I kneel on the bed. She whimpers under my touch.

  “I’ve missed us.” Kennedy lunges up and rips my shirt over my head in one fell swoop. She admires my bare chest and stomach.

  “I’m right here.” I brush my lips along her cheek. “I’m not going anywhere. So, don’t think about our past. Don’t think about tomorrow, Kennedy. Just think about me, right in front of you, right now.”

  A tear trails down her cheek, and she nods. I pull the soft t-shirt over her head, and she reaches back to unclasp her bra. The straps slip down her arms and onto the bed. I grow harder. If I don’t have her wrapped around me in a few minutes, I’ll lose my mind.

  My head dips low until the familiar scent of her skin alerts my senses. I roll my tongue over her left nipple, then her right, giving them just enough attention to know she’s getting an intense ache in her lower belly. My fingers rub over the pink cotton fabric, and the hunger I experience for her is too intense. I move my hand up and push against her chest. She melts into the mattress. Her hair fans out around her. I grip the seam of her panties in both hands and tear the fabric.

  “What do you think you are doing?” she asks.

  I push gently on her stomach, pinning her to the mattress, as my head dips between her legs. A moan pours from her mouth as I run my tongue over her clit.

  “No, we don’t have time for this.” She protests, but it’s too late.

  “There’s always time.” I look up at her from between her legs.

  She grins and props up on her elbows. “Okay, maybe you’re right.” Her hands clench my hair, pushing and guiding me around a place I know better than my own hand.

  When I know she’s ready, I snag a condom from the side table drawer.

  “We don’t need to, I mean, if you don’t want to. I’m clean, obviously, and I trust you.” She rambles off the request. Her voice is shaky and unsure.

&n
bsp; “I’ve always practiced safe sex.” I straddle over her once again and smirk down at her.

  “I know. I’m just saying … Never mind.” Kennedy covers her face with her hands.

  “Don’t go all shy on me now.” I shake the foil wrapper between us.

  “I don’t know what I was thinking.”

  “Well, why don’t you try explaining it to me?”

  She struggles for the right words, bobbing her head from side to side. Her eyes focus on the space between our bodies. “Have you ever gone … like …”

  “Bareback?” I ask. To ease the weird tension growing between us, I smile. “No, I haven’t.”

  “Never?” She worries her bottom lip.

  “What’s this about?” I shift off the top of her.

  “I only asked if you wanted to because I thought it could be something we could share. Clearly, you were all my firsts, but I know I’m not any of yours. The idea snowballed into something ridiculous in my head. I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t ever apologize for wanting to be one of my firsts. Believe me, when the time is right, you will be. For now, we should be safe.”

  No, you don’t. Dive into the water without the life preserver. Splash about. Explore the cave.

  “I can’t believe I’m turning down skinny dipping in the deep end.” I shake my head, rubbing the sleep from my eyes.

  “You’re tired, and I totally ruined the moment.” Kennedy kisses the tip of my nose. “Let’s go to bed.” She shifts the blanket around until she can pull it over herself, covering her body made of perfection wrapped in pure bliss.

  “You didn’t ruin the moment,” I whisper in her ear, sliding behind her. “Do you think we could sleep like this forever?” She cups my hand to her chest. Her heart beats erratically.

  “With us, forever is the only option, Graham.”

  The mixture of her hot skin and the cool sheets is enough to send me into overdrive. Instead of reaching around and finishing what we started moments before, I listen to her breathe. Something I seem to do a lot these days. Her soft, barely noticeable puffs of air seem to be a balm for every shitty thing in my life. It’s in this bed where I’m most at home, and it has nothing to do with my life being in Connecticut.