by Bonnie Lamer
Her jaw snaps back together with an audible click. That could not have been good for her teeth. “I am the embodiment of beauty and I am the inspiration for creativity, Raziel. I will not have you disparage me this way.” There’s a threat in her voice but I don’t know what it means. It dawns on me that I’m in an Archangel’s body which I am pretty sure is built to last. What can she do to me?
I’m so stupid. Really I am. Archangel or not, it still hurts when she slaps my face. She’s really strong. My cheek bone might be broken. I wince in pain as I say, “Ow. What did you do that for?”
She shifts back and forth between anger and dumbstruck really fast. After a moment she says, “You insult my whole reason for being and you dare ask me that?”
I can’t help the eye roll. “Okay, I am sorry. You are very pretty.”
Her eyes narrow again and her jaw is set like stone. “You are not yourself today, Raziel. First an insult and then a lukewarm apology. Neither is consistent with your station.”
My station? Oh, she must mean as an Archangel. I shrug. “Like I said before, I guess I am having a bad day.”
“Quite,” she says. Her eyes are pretty beady at the moment. Like a beautiful rat.
“Maybe I should go home and lie down.”
I close my eyes and think about home. Unfortunately, I think of the wrong home. I think I may have just blinded Kegan.
Chapter 18 – Raziel
“Have you come up with a way to reverse the situation?” Kallen asks as we follow behind Zu who moves at the approximate pace of a slug.
“As I am still here, I must admit that I have not.”
Kallen gives me a dirty look. I understand his frustration but dirty looks will not help me figure this out any faster. What he should really be concentrating on is the fact that there are Dragons watching us as we move through the Lairs of the Lost. Each cave we pass has at least one pair of eyes trained on us. Zu may be our ally, but the other Lost Dragons see us only as intruders.
A flash of fire has Garren slamming Isla onto the ground, the tips of his hair getting singed in the process. Kallen and I come to an abrupt halt, just barely missing the flames. Another Dragon, much younger than Zu, prepares to shoot fire again. Zu rounds on the other Dragon and sends his own fire towards him. A fearsome screech emits from the younger Dragon’s mouth and scorch marks can be seen on the scales of his face.
“You dare attack those I have granted free passage?” Zu is on his back haunches and stretched to his full height.
The other Dragon backs up a few steps and growls, “You may grant whatever you like Zu. The rest of us have the right to disagree.”
Zu responds with a burst of fire that has the other Dragon scrambling back several more feet with its head tucked below its body. The scales on a Dragon’s back are virtually impenetrable. When the fire hits it, it does not cause the other Dragon harm; but he is somewhat reluctant to draw his head back out again. He currently resembles a frightened hedgehog, which curl into balls when they are afraid. Not very Dragon-like behavior.
“What is the matter Licius? “ Zu asks, moving closer to him. “Your courage is lost once you no longer have the shield of ambush?”
Licius slowly brings his head back up, keeping a watchful eye on Zu’s mouth. “I am not afraid of you, Zu.” It is difficult to take him seriously when he has backed up several more feet.
Zu’s reptile lips peel back from his double row of sharp teeth. “Then you are a fool, Licius.” He goes back down on all four paws and walks slowly towards the other dragon. Licius does his best to hold his ground but he is still edging backwards off the trail and into the wooded area to our right. Branches and saplings are snapping with his weight and size.
A burst of fire erupts from Zu’s mouth once again. But this is not directed towards Licius. It is directed towards a large, dead redwood several yards away. The flame sears through the trunk of the tree. Snapping like a small branch, its bulk falls towards a stunned Licius. I shake my head and sigh. He is certainly not the brightest Dragon in this realm. He had a good five or six seconds he could have used to move out of the tree’s path instead of staring doe-eyed at it as it topples towards him in a crushing blow.
Obviously I cannot let it kill him. Xandra would be furious with me. Reasoning that this would have happened if she was here, I go against the Angel policy of not interfering with the individual lives of lower beings. I send a bolt of magic towards the tree. The tree, and several around it unfortunately, explodes into a cloud of splinters. Now we are all ducking our heads as we fold our bodies into balls trying to protect our vital organs from being pierced.
It takes a moment for the shock of my actions to wear off. When it does, Zu no longer cares about Licius. Rounding on me now, his paws make the earth shake as he walks towards me. Dragons certainly know how to use their weight and size to intimidate. Unfortunately for Zu, I know how old he is. And how frail. Regardless of the image he holds forth to keep him from being shunned farther into the Lairs of the Lost where the caves get considerably smaller.
“I marvel at the fact that your stupidity is as strong as your magic young humanoid. Are you unaware of the fact that Dragon fire cannot be stopped by magic alone?”
My lips even out in a grim smile. “I am perfectly aware of the power of Dragon fire. Just as I am aware of your vulnerabilities.”
Zu sits up on his back haunches and folds his arms against his chest. He spends a long moment assessing me. I see in his eyes the moment he determines that my not-so-veiled threat is real, not just bravado. “Such a tiny creature to hold so much knowledge,” he says sarcastically. “It seems to have left no room for common sense.”
I understand why Xandra hates it when other beings insult her and underestimate her. It is rather annoying. I am learning so much more about her. Better to think more on that when Zu is not preparing to burn me to ash, though. Time to have a power contest, I guess. Hopefully, Xandra’s magic will cooperate.
Pulling magic through me, I turn abruptly towards Licius and send the magic forth. It passes his fire breathing mouth. It passes his heavily scaled chest and abdomen. It weasels itself into his groin where his haunches meet his torso. That is a sensitive spot where the scales have to be soft so as not to cause the Dragons pain when they walk. A violent shower of fire bursts from his mouth as the shock of the pain makes him crumble to the ground. He spreads his haunch away from his body giving us a much better view of his groin than we deserve. He tries to pull enough fire to burn my magic away from him, but until I pull it back on my own it does him no good.
When I do pull it back, Licius falls unceremoniously onto his back increasing the view. I am not the only one averting my eyes at the moment. Dragon genitalia are rather prominent. Now he is left to struggle to his side and right himself. That will take him several minutes without help.
Zu cocks his head to the side as he studies me again. “You will not let me kill him yet you inflict great pain upon him. Curious.”
I shrug. “We all must make difficult decisions from time to time to prove our points.”
“Indeed,” Zu half hisses. Turning his body around, he begins to walk again, leaving Licius to fend for himself in regards to righting himself. The younger Dragon bears a strong resemblance to a turtle on its back at the moment. “Leave him,” Zu says when Garren walks towards the struggling Dragon. “He will learn his place here slowly it seems.”
Kallen is looking at me curiously. “You are behaving as she would.” It is half accusation and half burgeoning respect.
I smile. “One should not borrow the body of another without deference to the original soul’s doctrines.”
His stare has hardened once again. “One should not borrow another’s body at all.”
He turns to follow the rest leaving me to shake my head at the progress lost by an offhand comment. I am stumbling in my attempts to live and communicate without my foreknowledge. Free will is much more difficult than I ever imagined.
Chapter 19 – Xandra
“Aaaaahhhh,” Kegan shouts as he covers his eyes and ducks his head. “What is that?” he shouts to no one in particular. Then he jumps a mile when I clatter to the floor because I didn’t think about how much bigger Raziel’s body and wings are. I was imagining the counter and stools and I have now fallen flat on my butt because I tipped a stool over. Not my most graceful entrance. I hope Raziel doesn’t get mad that I bent a few of his feathers.
“Turn off that bloody light!” Kegan yells. He’s down on the floor covering his head. “My retinas are melting!”
Crap. I have to get out of here. “It’s me, Kegan. Xandra. Sorry about your eyes. I’ll go now.”
“Thank you,” he says but I think his tone is a bit ungrateful considering I’m taking away the thing that’s causing his pain. Then again, I did cause his pain so he’s justified in his ingratitude. “Will you please go now?”
Oh yeah, his retinas are burning through his eyelids. I try to think about home in Raziel’s life now. The problem is I don’t know where his home is. So, I end up in his cave where I first spoke to him. This isn’t so bad. It’s peaceful here.
I flop down on his couch and stare out at that snow covered realm of the dinosaurs. I can still see the magic that Raziel used to keep the cold out. I wonder how he can do that. Oh, my head. I shouldn’t ask questions like that because this brain wants to give me the answers. I need to try to keep as much information as possible locked behind the doors that Ray created for me. Otherwise, I’m pretty sure I’ll be insane by morning.
My peace is interrupted by a high pitched screech. I forgot about the dinosaur friends Raziel has. Hmm. I wonder if I can talk to the pterodactyl’s now that I’m in Raziel’s body.
And I just told myself not to ask myself things like that. Suddenly, my mind is filled with the language of the dinosaurs. Actually, it’s filled with the grunts, squeaks, roars, snorts and screeching of the dinosaur language. That’s a lot of noise to have in your head all at one time. I put my palms to my temples and concentrate on getting it to quiet down.
I hear the fluttering of wings and I lift my pounding head. A pterodactyl is sitting on the cave floor in front of me. I say cave, but this is really so much more. It’s basically a house made of arched stone and it’s completely furnished.
I’m thinking I made some of the noises in my head out loud because the dinosaur is tilting its head one way and then the other as it stares expectantly at me. I hope I didn’t ask it out on a date or something.
It pokes my knee with its pointed beak, harder than I would think necessary because there’s now blood trickling down my leg, and goes back to looking at me expectantly. A screech makes me sit up and back against the couch. I’m pretty sure that I just bent more of Raziel’s feathers. He is going to hate me. I get a pang in my heart when I think that.
Wanting not to think about that, I tentatively stand up. The pterodactyl just looks at me with a question in its eyes. Apparently, he’s not here to eat me and he’s not following me. Ignoring him now, I wander around Raziel’s living space looking at the few things he has laid out. It’s not exactly barren, but it’s pretty simple. Basic needs taken care of but not a lot of extras. A couple of hand carved trinkets and a few drawings.
The main cave area leads into a smaller one where a large bed is still made up. It looks so inviting I can’t help but sink down into its feathery depths. This is absolutely the most comfortable bed I have ever laid on. But there’s something under the blanket poking me.
Sitting back up, I pull the soft green blanket back and find a pad of drawing paper and a pencil. I wonder what a Fallen Archangel draws. Flipping back the cover, my entire body freezes. After a few seconds, I can move my hand to the bottom of the first drawing and flip it up slowly. I repeat this about twenty times before I’m convinced that every picture is a drawing of me. But not me. I think these are pictures of who I would have been. My features are the same, but there’s a depth to my eyes on these pages that I don’t think I have now. I also look really, really sad. So sad, tears start to fill the corners of my real eyes. Or Raziel’s real eyes. Somehow, that feels right. I think this body is used to reacting this way when looking at these drawings.
I force myself to look at every page. All thirty-seven of them. There are a few of me sleeping. Those appear to give me a serenity that seems like it was difficult to achieve. I don’t know how to describe it better than that. There are a few where I’m smiling but the smiles look forced and lack any trace of humor. I think he couldn’t draw me happy because I never truly would have been.
I force myself to look at each picture again. As I do, thoughts seep into my mind from the deepest, darkest corners of this brain. In my mind’s eye I see myself as a child and I have wings on my back. My grandmother is laughing as she swings me round and round in circles until we’re both dizzy. Somehow I know that my grandmother chose to leave the Cowan realm when I was born and she took me with her. She did this because my mother died in childbirth. It wasn’t just my destiny that changed.
I see myself growing and maturing but the older I get, the less I smile. I cry a lot. I cry because of everything that is happening in the universe and it feels as if I will never have enough tears to truly show my sorrow. Eventually, I see myself with Raziel’s hands on my shoulders as we watch the water fall to the rocks below. I love this spot as much as he does. He’s right; it does help drown out the noise in my mind.
The scene changes again and I can see Raziel’s face. The way he looks at me there is no doubt that he loves me with untainted passion. And I want to love him like that. But I can’t. Everything else gets in the way. There is true love in my heart for him, but I am being torn apart by the sorrow and ruthlessness of the universe. So much so, my love for him is drowning in it. But I crave his touch. I crave his touch in a way that ascends everything else. When I am in his arms, the thoughts quiet and all I feel is him as we make love.
And so we make love a lot. And then some more. This apparently is something else that this body is used to reacting to because I am suddenly having a sensation that no woman has ever had before. I try to stop thinking about it but those images are now permanently etched into my mind. My skin is tingling as I feel what it would be like for our bodies to come together, for Raziel’s hands to touch me everywhere. For his tongue and lips to make sure that every inch of my body knows that he worships me before he finally stops his wonderful torture and I feel him deep inside me.
Okay, I have to stand up now. This is not only embarrassing and awkward but uncomfortable as well. I am truly starting to wonder if any other part of this body has any blood in it. It doesn’t even seem to care that guilt is creeping into my mind. I just mentally cheated on Kallen. The Fairy I pledged my love to and plan to be married to the rest of my mortal life. Oh god, I feel horrible. But is it really cheating if I’m seeing someone else’s memories? Well, not really memories but pictures of what could have been? I want to say no but with the way this body is reacting, I’m having a hard time thinking that it’s not.
With a loud groan, I throw myself back on the bed crushing more feathers in the process. This sucks. I love Kallen and I know that I’ll never stop loving him. But now this stuff is in my brain. This ‘what could have been’ stuff and I don’t want it. I don’t want to know that Raziel knew that he would love me like that. I don’t want to know that it was only him that could make my mind at peace. I don’t want to know that he truly did sacrifice his happiness for mine. He said it but now I feel it. It’s different now. I know exactly what he gave up for me. It would be like me giving up Kallen.
Worst of all, I don’t know this person he loved/loves but I do know that I’m not her. And I don’t know how to be her. I feel just as guilty about that as I do about making love to Raziel in my mind. Oh god, I need Kallen. I need him so badly right now. I wish I could bring him to me but I don’t know how to make it so that he can see me in this form without me blinding him like I almost did Ke
gan. Why can I know everything else but not how to do that?
“What the hell?”
Oh. My. God. I sit up and I have to give my brain a minute to make sure that I’m not hallucinating. Because Kallen is standing right in front of me and his eyes look just fine. I am off the bed in a flash and I wrap my arms around him and kiss him like I never have before.
Which is why I’m annoyed when he pushes me away as much as he can with my arms locked around his back. Our faces are still practically touching. That’s strange. I’m as tall as he is. Crap. Because I’m in Raziel’s body. My cheeks turn bright red as I realize I just kissed him with Raziel’s lips. Oops. I bite my bottom lip before saying, “Sorry, I was just so happy to see you.”
“I am happy to see you as well but I would still appreciate it if we refrain from any type of physical demonstrations for the time being.” I think he meant to sound sincere about seeing me but the tightly clenched jaw sort of ruined it.
Reluctantly, I release my vice grip arms from around him. He takes a step back and shakes his head. “I am sorry. I see you but I know that you inhabit Raziel’s body. It is so strange."