by Bonnie Lamer
Kallen stiffens and then steps back. “We need to follow the others.”
I guess I should have thanked them separately. I can’t imagine how hard this has been for Kallen. I’m his wife. Hopefully. He should not have to feel as if he is in competition with another. I slip my hand in his and it takes a second before he wraps his fingers around mine.
“I love you,” I say, looking up at his hardened profile.
“I love you, too,” he says mechanically. Yeah, this day has moved past jam packed. It is now being drowned in a giant vat of sticky, gooey guilt. We walk in silence the rest of the way.
The Goblin camp is horrid. It smells and it’s dirty. Sure, it’s in the woods but they have somehow managed to make the woods look dirty. There are fresh mounds of dirt all over that I am hoping are not dead bodies. There are muddy leaf beds strewn here and there. I know they’re beds because there are muddy leaves hanging from the Goblins little dress things. And the Goblins themselves? This may be the only thing the fairy tales back home got right. They are hideous.
There’s a fire in the middle of the camp where a pot of something that should smell good is cooking. I can’t really smell it over the Goblin smell but I’m pretty sure that Tabitha made it so it has to be good. She is currently stirring whatever it is.
I rush to her and throw my arms around her almost knocking us both into the fire. She’s surprised at first but then her arms snake around me and she gives me a bear hug. “I knew you would wake up sooner or later.”
Stepping back out of the hug, I ask, “Are you really responsible for the whole kidnapping thing?”
Red creeps up her neck to her cheeks as she turns back to stirring lunch. “Some things should be made right.”
A suspicion is growing in my mind. “And you lured us here knowing that I’d be pissed that the Dragons eat the Goblins the other Goblins breed.”
She shrugs. “I had not given that any thought.”
I laugh. “Sure you hadn’t. Okay, what do you want us to do?”
“We want their magic,” the one who must be the head of the rebel Goblins says, pointing to Kallen and Isla. “So we can defeat the Dragons and those of our kind who are willing to kill our own.”
Tabitha points her spoon at him. “I have told you a million times now, you are not getting their magic.”
The Goblin harrumphs and crosses his arms over his little barrel chest. I’ve never actually seen anyone harrumph before. I’m impressed he pulled it off so well.
Turning to me, Tabitha says, “A meeting has been called between Mortain and Gowarth, the King of the Free Goblins.”
“Okay. Do you really think that it’s going to accomplish anything? I don’t see these little guys taking on the Dragons.” I haven’t seen a Dragon yet but I’m positive that’s true. Raziel puts a picture of a Dragon breathing fire in my mind so I’m really positive now.
A sharp pain in my ankle is followed by, “Who are you to call us little?”
Ow. That really hurts. And there’s blood on my jeans now. Pulling a little bit of magic, I push the Goblin back until he’s pressed against a tree. He’s struggling but he can’t free himself. “You’re lucky I didn’t kick you back,” I tell him. His reply is a string of words that I only half understand. I’m sure none of them are very nice.
“Tabitha, this is ridiculous. I know you have petitioned this cause for years, but honestly, what do you expect us to do?” Isla doesn’t sound mad, she sounds exasperated.
“I have lived here for a mighty long time. There is no other food for the Dragons to eat. They will never agree to take Goblin off their menu,” Garren says.
Tabitha gives him a dirty look. “I know who you are. I am surprised Isla will share the same air with you.”
To all of our surprise, Isla looks uncomfortable suddenly. “Moving on,” she says too quickly. “There is simply nothing we can do.”
Tabitha studies her for a moment. “Getting to you, is he? Well, maybe that would be good for that icicle you call a heart. Just wish you would choose someone with a little more spine and a lot less baggage.”
Garren has gone from annoyed to irate. Before he can say anything, I butt in. “Can we talk about Isla’s icicle heart later? We seem to have a bigger problem.” Hey, why do I get the dirty look from Isla? I’m trying to change the subject.
“We cannot plan anything on an empty stomach. Have a seat everyone. Take care not to sit on a buried excrement pile.”
There goes my appetite. “I think I’ll pass on lunch.”
But it smells so good and it has been a while since I have fed your body. You should eat.
Did you not hear her say ‘excrement piles?’
I am not suggesting you eat one of those.
I laugh out loud which earns me funny looks from Tabitha and Isla. A dirty look from Kallen. “Enjoying yourself?” he asks.
Remember this is hard for him. Remember, remember, remember. “Not particularly. I would much rather be on a honeymoon somewhere with my new husband.” I feel Raziel pull back inside my mind. Kallen tries to smile but he doesn’t quite pull it off.
Garren shakes his head. “What is the deal with you two? One minute you are thick as leather and the next you are punching each other in the face.”
I turn a shocked face to Kallen’s guilty one. “You punched me?!”
I punched him back.
Good.
“It was not you I punched,” Kallen says using the excuse of taking a weird bowl thing from Tabitha as a way to avoid looking me in the eye.
“Oh, so you hit someone else’s face then.”
“Xandra, there will be plenty of time for explanations later,” Isla says. “At the moment, we need to convince Tabitha to give up this insane plan of hers and to come home with us. Immediately.” There was a lot of emphasis on that last word.
“You can get as high and mighty as you want Isla. I am staying put until some sort of solution is reached.”
I can see her point. “Would it bother you if Fairies were breeding other Fairies to feed to the Dragons?” I ask Isla.
I’m glad I’m not standing next to her at the moment. I might get punched in the face again. This time I would feel it. “That is different and you know it.”
“Why?” Mortain asks. “Why is it different? Because we are smaller and uglier than you? We may not be pretty like you are but we are still sentient beings who deserve to be treated better than food. You sound no different than our brothers who save themselves at the cost of others.”
Isla is of course indignant. “Your physical appearance is of no consequence here.”
Mortain turns to Tabitha. “Is there really an icicle in her chest?”
Tabitha nods. “Yes, it has been there for quite some time.”
“Tabitha,” Isla says with a warning in her voice. Tabitha ignores her.
“What do you suggest we do?” Kallen asks.
“First, we need to slit down with Mortain and Gowarth. Try to make the stubborn coot see things for as atrocious as they are.”
Kallen shakes his head. “Tabitha that would accomplish nothing except to break the treaty the Free Goblins have with the Dragons. Then they will once again fall into the category of food source as well as the breeding Goblins.”
He’s right unfortunately. But there has to be a way. Turning to Mortain, I ask, “There truly isn’t anything here that the Dragons can eat besides you?” That’s a weird question to ask someone. Definitely not a question I would have asked anyone if I was still back in Colorado. Amazing how much my life has changed.
Your life was peaceful there. I wish that peace had not been disrupted as it has.
Um. I don’t.
Why is that? Raziel sounds surprised.
Life may have been peaceful but I wasn’t really happy.
You were not?
I shake my head which probably looks weird to everyone except Kallen who knows that Raziel and I are speaking to each other. For his sake, I decide to answ
er the question out loud. Not in front of everyone though. Moving closer to where he’s standing, I turn to everyone else and say, “Excuse us a moment.”
I take Kallen’s hand in mine before anyone can argue and pull him farther into the forest where no one else can hear. I stop and finally answer Raziel. “No, Raziel, I wasn’t happy in Colorado. I felt that I didn’t have a life at all. I was kept away from the world and I had no real friends. Yes, I loved my family but I never felt whole. It wasn’t until I met Kallen and my life got out of control crazy with magic that I found what I had been missing all those years. I have friends, people who have expanded my family twice over, and I have love.”
Raziel is quiet. I can feel how heavy his emotions are at the moment. “I also have love for you, Raziel.” Kallen stiffens next to me and I feel Raziel’s confusion. I have to make them both understand what I mean. I’m not sure if I can. I’m not sure if I truly understand it. “I have a spot in my heart that knows that I was meant to be with you. There is still a part of my soul that remembers that, that remembers her – the one you love and the one who loves you. But I’m not her. I’m not your Xandra. She still lives, though. I feel her inside of me and she will always love you. She will also always be grateful to you that you gave up so much for me to be happy. There will always be sorrow there as well for what could have been. I wish that I could give that part of myself to you so you could cherish it the way I do. I don’t want to forget what you did for me. You gave me the gift of love. Twice. From that destiny and this one. I will spend my life with Kallen knowing that you made it possible and I will be forever grateful. Grateful that you cared so much that you wanted me to find his love in order to be truly happy. Thank you.”
Kallen has visibly relaxed. After a long moment, he says, “Raziel, I thank you as well.” Raziel is surprised to hear him say that. “I have spent this time being jealous of you and the hold you have on Xandra’s heart when what I should have been feeling is grateful.”
I have tears escaping my eyes and making a mad dash for the leafy ground. Kallen wipes them away with his thumbs as he places his hands on my cheeks. “It is okay that you love us both,” he says softly. “I understand now. And I would like nothing more than to consider Raziel our friend.”
Raziel is quiet inside of me. But as the seconds go by, I feel his mood change. I can’t call it lighter really, but it is different. I push my mind back so his can come forward and he can speak his own words. “I believe this is how it was meant to be. I do not think I was supposed to give Xandra up entirely. I was supposed to celebrate her new life and her new love.” He uses our arms to give Kallen a quick guy hug and then steps back. “Thank you for helping me see that.”
“You have seen the truth now, Raziel,” a voice says behind us. A quick check tells me that nope, we’re not in the woods anymore.
Chapter 35 – Raziel
Kallen and I turn. Haniel has brought us out of time once again. “This is what I was meant to discover?”
She nods. Her beauty is breathtaking. “You came to me seeking an answer for your grief when the answer was there all along.”
“I am afraid I am confused. I have no recollection of that.”
Haniel smiles. “Of course you do not. I locked some of your knowledge away in order to let you find the truth in your heart. To find your joy.”
Then she did not succeed. “I have found some degree of peace but I have yet to find joy.”
“Peace is the first step in the journey to joy.”
I understand now why Xandra hates it when people are cryptic. “Am I yet destined to find joy?”
Haniel walks forward and takes my hands in hers. Looking down, I realize for the first time that I am no longer in Xandra’s body. I am in my own. “Joy has always been in your heart. You were simply blinded by knowledge.”
“Is it a requirement for Angels to be cryptic?” Xandra asks.
Haniel laughs. “The universe demands some lessons to be lived, not spoken.”
“I’ll take that as a yes,” Xandra grumbles. Kallen smiles and puts his hand on her shoulder. He is more in awe of Haniel than Xandra is.
A sudden light turns on in Xandra’s eyes. “I think I know what you mean. When Raziel’s brain did a huge data dump into my mind, I briefly felt what it was like to know everything. Well, maybe not everything, but a lot. I had a hard time seeing the good because I couldn’t stop looking at the bad. Is that what Raziel was doing?”
Haniel tilts her head in acknowledgement of Xandra’s words. “You have indeed interpreted my words correctly.” The smile on Xandra’s face is as beautiful as Haniel’s.
Turning back to me, Haniel says, “You have acknowledged in your heart that the path you chose is the correct one. It is now time for you to unlock your joy. I warn you. You will need to look past your role as an Archangel, Raziel. You will need to open your heart to the possibilities that will lead you there. You have chosen to bury those possibilities under your grief. Let it go now. Accept your fate as you have now accepted Xandra’s. Your heart will guide you.”
Leaving me dumbstruck in confusion, Haniel turns to Xandra. “Your destiny had two paths from the beginning. It was a gift to Raziel to have one choice to make without knowing the outcome.”
Xandra’s brow squeezes into a frown. “That was a pretty harsh choice you gave him. Be happy or be miserable.”
Haniel shakes her head slightly. “Sometimes when given a choice, the road less travelled needs time to produce its rewards.”
“I’m sorry Haniel. You’re making my brain hurt.” I see Kallen’s hand tighten slightly on Xandra’s shoulder but he needn’t worry. Haniel is amused by Xandra’s comment.
“Another side effect I am afraid.” Stepping forward, Haniel grasps one of Xandra’s hands and one of mine. “Care for each other as friends. This is how it is meant to be.”
Xandra nods her head. “We will.”
“Yes, we will,” I say and a weight lifts from my heart. In its place is the answer Haniel meant for me to see all along.
With a last smile for the three of us, the Seraph of Joy takes her leave. We are once again thrust into time. Though not to the same place.
Chapter 36 – Xandra
We are suddenly back in the forest of the Goblins. I stumble but Kallen catches me. Staring down at me, his face breaks into a grin. “It is only you now.”
I feel around in my mind for any indication that Raziel is still there somewhere. He’s not. It’s my turn to grin. “Yes, it is.”
His lips are on mine instantly. I would like nothing more than to push him down on the forest floor and make love to him until we’re both incapable of moving anymore. At least I am until I get a big whiff of Goblin. I break the kiss to find a Goblin in the tree behind Kallen.
“You need to go back there,” the Goblin says lifting his arm and pointing in the direction of the camp.
Eew. Goblin sweat. I thought their excrement stank. Turns out their little underarms give their excrement a run for its money. I step back from Kallen just to get out of smelling range. It doesn’t take him long to follow. I think he is too happy to really care about the smell, though.
Taking my hand, Kallen leads us the short distance back to the Goblin camp. A circular discussion is underway between Isla, Garren, Tabitha and Mortain. It is going round and round from ‘we can help’ to ‘this is why we can’t help’ to ‘this is how we can’ again. No new information is being added.
An idea jumps into my head but I need more information before I can go forward with it. Breaking into the conversation, I ask, “Why are Goblins tasty to Dragons?”
Everyone stops talking and looks at me. Garren speaks first. “That is like asking why steaks are good to Fairies.”
I shrug. “Yeah, it is. I can tell you why I like steak. It’s tender, juicy, and flavorful, and it has a lot of vitamins and minerals our bodies need. But I can get the same satisfaction from any number of foods. Why are Goblins the only thing that Dragons l
ike to eat?”
Garren is getting that condescending look that supernatural beings tend to get with me. I’m with Tabitha. The guy’s a jerk. “It is not that Goblins are the only thing that they like to eat. They are the only thing that they are able to digest.”
“Okay,” I say trying hard not to react to his condescension. After all, I just met him. He’s been dealing with Raziel up until now, not me. “Have they ever tried to eat anything else?”
Garren shakes his head and speaks to me like I’m two. “Do you really think the Dragons have been around for this many millennia and they have never tried to eat other foods?”
Isla puts a hand on Garren’s shoulder and says in warning, “You are risking a great deal speaking to her in this manner.”