If I Loved You Less

by Noelle Adams

  That was plenty. That was more than enough.

  And it gave her something to look forward to other than her regular life—which was good but would always be limited.

  “Okay,” she said at last. “We can try it. Sex, I mean. We can keep it up as long as things don’t get too messy between us.”

  He leaned forward to kiss her, chuckling against her lips. “You definitely wouldn’t want any mess.”

  “Nope. No mess for me.”

  THAT EVENING AFTER dinner, Ward went to visit his grandmother at her assisted-living facility. He brought her a cookie from Stella’s—a kind she’d loved all her life—and then made her a cup of tea to drink with it.

  She was in a good mood and chatted amiably about the other residents in her home.

  Ward was pleased and relaxed and looking forward to seeing Em that evening when his grandmother said, “Oh, by the way, I found the perfect girl for you.”

  Ward’s eyes widened. “Excuse me?”

  “I found you the perfect young lady. Jeremy Smithfield, who lives downstairs, has a granddaughter who recently moved to town. She’s in her late twenties. A schoolteacher. He showed me a photo, and she’s lovely. I’m sure she’ll do very nicely for you, so we’re going to set up a time for you to meet her.”

  He swallowed over a surge of indignation. “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I don’t want to be set up on a date. I can take care of my own social life.”

  “But you haven’t been taking care of it. You’ve been pouting ever since Christy left you. You need a push in the right direction, so that’s what I’m doing.”

  “I don’t need a push. And I can’t go out with this woman. I’m already seeing someone else.”

  It wasn’t entirely true, but it was close enough to pass. He wasn’t about to date anyone else while he was having sex with Em.

  They weren’t together in a normal way, but their relationship had become intimate. He certainly wasn’t going to hurt Em or complicate matters by going out with anyone else right now.

  Besides, he didn’t want to see anyone but Em.

  “You are?” his grandmother asked sharply. “Why don’t I know about it?”

  “It’s just started, and we’re keeping it quiet for now. I’m not ready to talk about it.” That sounded reasonable, and it was almost the truth.

  “You’re not lying to me as an excuse not to meet this nice girl, are you?”

  He met her eyes evenly. “I’m not lying to you. I am seeing someone.”

  His grandmother’s face relaxed. “Ah. That’s all right then. It would be better if you didn’t keep it a secret, but young people are so different now than they used to be. If you care about this young woman, don’t waste any time. Do what you can to get her.”

  “I have it under control.”

  He really believed he was telling the truth. Sex with Em had been mind-blowing, but physicality was relatively simple. He wasn’t sure he was even capable of falling in love again—not if it meant risking the kind of rejection he’d suffered with Christy—but that didn’t mean he had to deny himself sex.

  So he was going to enjoy it for as long as he could.

  AT EIGHT O’CLOCK THAT evening, Em had gotten her father off to bed, straightened up the kitchen, posted a photo of the moon over the Pemberley House gardens on Instagram, and checked her phone about fifteen times for messages.

  She’d thought she would hear from Ward this evening.

  They’d agreed they could have sex again. Tonight would be a reasonable time for that to happen. She thought so anyway.

  But other than a texted conversation earlier that day about the Pemberley House homeowners’ association meeting next week—of which she was president—she hadn’t heard from him.

  Was he expecting her to make the first move?

  She was willing to do it, but she’d rather hear from him first. It felt strange to just show up at his front door saying she was ready for sex.

  Was that what he wanted from her?

  Is that what most women would do?

  She felt nervous and antsy and unsure of herself, and she wasn’t used to feeling that way.

  She didn’t like it.

  She was about to check her phone one more time when she heard a familiar chirp. She grabbed for it and read the text that had just come in.

  I’m back home. Come on over if you want.

  Ward.

  She was grinning like an idiot when one more text came in on the heels of the first.

  No pressure.

  She giggled and texted back. On way.

  She glanced down at herself as she stood up. She was wearing a long, soft sweater and a pair of slinky gray lounge pants that were only a step away from pajamas. She looked pretty good, and she didn’t feel like changing clothes. She’d feel stupid going over to Ward’s cottage in a sexy outfit anyway.

  So she locked up and headed over, relieved when she didn’t run into anyone on her way down the stairs and out the building. She’d put a belted sweater on over her outfit, but someone she knew would definitely ask her where she was off to at this hour.

  She didn’t want to tell them.

  When she reached Ward’s cottage, she knocked on the door, breathing fast and shallow. She was excited. Very excited. No sense in denying it.

  Ward opened the door after a minute. He was dressed in another pair of flannel pants, and he smelled like soap.

  “Did you just shower?” she asked.

  “Yeah. I took a quick one.”

  “Oh.” She paused. Then just said it. “I’m here for sex, if you’re interested.”

  His face warmed with a low chuckle, and he stepped out of the way to let her in. “I’m definitely interested. Why do you think I took a shower? Didn’t want to stink.”

  “You definitely don’t stink.” She was grinning like a fool.

  “You don’t either.” Then, without saying another word, he pulled her into a kiss right there in the entryway.

  Ward might be careful and polite and thoughtful most of the time, but he was different in the bedroom. His kiss was hard, enthusiastic. With just the right amount of assertiveness.

  He took control of the kiss and then, before she knew it, he was lifting her up and carrying her into his bedroom.

  It was just as good as the night before. Maybe better because it didn’t feel quite so new and risky. He spent a long time kissing and caressing her, making her come with his fingers so quickly she was almost embarrassed by her easiness.

  He was grinning when she opened her eyes.

  She frowned. “Are you gloating?”

  “Of course not.”

  “It looks like you might be gloating.”

  “I’m not doing anything of the kind.”

  “Then what are you doing?” She squirmed slightly, naked and stretched out beneath him.

  “I’m enjoying myself.”

  “Oh.” She thought about that for a minute. “That’s okay then.”

  He was chuckling again as he leaned down to kiss her slow and deep. “I’m glad you approve.”

  After spending a delicious, leisurely time at her mouth, his mouth kissed a line down her body, lingering on her breasts before he moved even lower.

  She was gasping and shuddering when he nuzzled between her legs.

  “Are you going to—” She couldn’t quite finish the question.

  “If that’s all right with you.”

  “But I already came.”

  “Does that mean you can’t come again?”

  “Oh. I guess not.” She took a deep breath and parted her legs more. “If you’re really feeling ambitious.”

  “It’s not about ambition,” he murmured, giving her a long, slow lick. “It’s about dedication.”

  Dedication. Ambition. Whatever it was. It was really working for Em. After a minute of his ministrations, she was whimpering and babbling out a series of embarrassing pleas. Ward took his time. Built up her pleasure. And she was almost sobbing when she f
inally came hard around his fingers as he sucked vigorously on her clit.

  He made it last a long time, so she was limp and sweating when she finally came down. She was laughing hoarsely and wiping perspiration off her face as she said, “That’s what I call dedication.”

  “And it’s not over yet.” He was giving her that irresistibly wolfish smile as he rose up onto his knees, rolled on a condom, and then reached down to turn her over onto her stomach. He kissed a line down her back. Stroked and squeezed her bottom. Then he lifted her hips and fit himself against her butt, entering her from behind.

  He started slow and steady, the way he had the night before. But soon she was begging for him to go faster, harder, and he willingly obliged. They were rutting like animals, and it was the hottest thing Em had ever experienced. She came and then was pretty sure she came again. Wasn’t sure when she stopped.

  Ward held out for a long time, so she was hoarse and limp and overwhelmed with pleasure when he finally let out a choked exclamation and jerked clumsily against her bottom. She felt him come. Loved how he sounded. Helpless and undone.

  They ended up collapsing side by side on the bed. She was still on her stomach, and Ward slung one arm over her back in a possessive gesture she loved.

  When she finally found her voice, she turned her face toward him with a replete smile. “That was...”

  “Yeah.”

  “Wow.”

  “Yeah.”

  “I’ve never...”

  “Me either.”

  She giggled and was pleased when he smiled back. He was red in the face and sweating profusely, and there was a softness in his eyes and his expression that almost took her breath away.

  “There are definitely some benefits to deciding to have sex with you.”

  “No argument here.”

  “I need to wash my face and clean up,” she said, feeling hot and sticky and sore.

  “Go to it.”

  “I can’t move yet.”

  “You want me to get a wet towel?”

  She checked his expression and saw he looked serious. It was the sweetest thing. “No. Thanks though. I need to go to the bathroom anyway.” She groaned and hefted herself into a sitting position. Then she was able to get to her feet. She took the used condom Ward had tied off and then limped to the bathroom. Cleaned up and took care of business. Then she grabbed a clean T-shirt from a pile on a chair in the corner of the room and pulled it on. It was way too big for her, but that made it even better. She climbed back into bed.

  “Aren’t you going to get up?” she asked.

  He chuckled and pulled her against his side, wrapping one arm snugly around her. “Not anytime soon. I still can’t move yet.”

  “Oh. Okay.”

  “You can spend the night.”

  “Thanks. I was planning on it, unless you kicked me out.”

  “There’s no way I’d ever kick you out.”

  “I didn’t think so.” She patted his chest affectionately. “You’ve always been good to me.”

  “I try.”

  “Except when you lecture me.”

  She was looking up at him, so she saw him cock an eyebrow. “Have you heard any lectures from me lately?”

  “No. Not for a week anyway. I don’t know if that means I’ve been particularly good lately or you’re just distracted by sex.”

  He was stroking her loose, messy hair. “Maybe both.”

  “Maybe so.” She sighed. “I do really feel stupid about the whole Frank thing.”

  “Everyone makes mistakes in reading other people. It’s not the end of the world.”

  “I feel like an idiot though.”

  “How did Riot respond when you told her?”

  “She was disappointed, of course, but she tried to brush it off. She said I was the only one nice enough to really believe she has talent. But I really think she does, no matter what everyone says. I just need to think of a way for her to use it.”

  “Maybe she should think of a way to use it.” Ward’s voice was careful, almost precise.

  Em scowled faintly. “Of course she should. I didn’t mean I was going to put thoughts into her mind again. I know I made a mistake before. But I still want to help. You have to admit, she needs a lot of help.”

  “Yes. She does. But at some point she’s going to need to take care of her life on her own. She’s almost twenty-four, isn’t she?”

  “Yes.”

  “Maybe it’s time now.”

  “I know. But I messed up before, and I’d like to make it up to her if I can.”

  “How?”

  “I don’t know. I’ll think of it. And I’m going to try not to be stupid again about it.”

  He nuzzled her hair gently and didn’t say anything.

  It seemed very un-Ward-like not to take advantage of the opportunity for a lecture, so she turned her head again to check his expression.

  “What?” he asked, raising his eyebrows.

  “Just seeing if you’re holding back a lecture.”

  “I’m not holding back a lecture. I’m basking in afterglow.”

  She giggled and snuggled against him. “Oh. That’s okay then. Bask away.”

  They lay like that for a few minutes until Em’s mind finally stopped buzzing and she fell asleep. She slept well and deeply and for a long time. It was four in the morning when she woke up for the first time.

  She blinked in the dark room and tried to orient herself.

  Ward was sound asleep beside her.

  She smiled as she realized it and settled back under the covers. Ward must have felt her movement because he reached out and pulled her against him, mumbling something under his breath. She heard the words “Em” and “good.”

  She wrapped an arm around his middle and closed her eyes.

  Things were good. Very good.

  They could have sex without it getting messy. Without her carefully arranged world collapsing into chaos.

  She’d assumed that establishing her life as she had around never leaving her father would mean that she’d not have a lot of opportunity to enjoy the carnal side of things. She’d had sex before but not a lot of it, and it had never been this good.

  But she trusted Ward—more than anyone else. He was never going to hurt her on purpose and certainly not in anything as intimate as sex.

  She could remain in control of things. She could take care of her father.

  And she could have this.

  She wasn’t sure why she’d assumed it wasn’t possible before.

  Six

  TWO WEEKS LATER, AT ten o’clock in the evening, Ward was sitting on his couch, pretending to watch a sports network. Mostly he was watching Em, who was making cookies in his kitchen.

  She’d come over a couple of hours ago, and neither one of them had been tired, so they’d talked for a while and watched TV until Em got the sudden urge for cookies.

  She’d searched his cabinets and discovered he had the ingredients for snickerdoodles, so she’d started to make them.

  Ward enjoyed watching her as she measured and mixed and spooned the dough out onto a sheet pan. She wore a pair of thin cotton pajama pants, a lace-trimmed tank top, and a fuzzy pink bathrobe. Her hair was pulled up into a ponytail, leaving her long, graceful neck exposed.

  He wanted to trace the curve of it with his mouth. But he also wanted to keep watching Em as she busied herself in his kitchen.

  She looked at home there.

  The cottage felt more like a home to him when she was in it.

  It was an impossible feeling to deny.

  When she’d put the tray into the oven, she started to clean up her mess. The feeling in his chest was too strong to ignore any longer. He got up and walked to the kitchen. He pressed himself up against her back as she stood in front of the sink.

  He leaned down to press a kiss against the side of her throat.

  She smiled but didn’t turn around. “Does baking make you horny?”

  “No. You do.”
He kissed her again, running his lips up the line of her neck the way he wanted to.

  She arched her head back to give him better access. “I’m doing dishes here, Ward.”

  “I’ll do them later.”

  “We’ve got less than ten minutes before those cookies are done. I hate overdone cookies, so if you’re not finished before the timer rings, then you’re out of luck.”

  He turned her around in his arms. “Are you not planning to get finished yourself?”

  “Of course I am.” She was smiling deliciously. “But I’m planning to get finished first, so you’re the one who will have to hurry to make the timer.”

  He laughed and scooped her up in his arms, carrying her over to the couch. He knew her body better now, so he knew how to touch and kiss her to get her going quickly. He made her come with his hands and mouth before he entered her, moving against her with a fast, hard rhythm until climax overtook him.

  He panted against her gorgeous neck, wondering what he’d ever done to feel this way, be this close to her, have her legs wrapped around him so intimately.

  He’d come to no answers when the buzzer sounded from the kitchen.

  She gave him a quick kiss on the jaw as she said, “Just in time!” Then she pushed him off and ran to pull out her cookies.

  They ate the cookies on the couch. Then they went to bed.

  Ward pulled her against him as he drifted off, acknowledging to himself, just on the edge of sleep, that maybe they were just having sex, but life was a lot better with her.

  Better in every way.

  THE FOLLOWING DAY, Em was sitting at her marble kitchen island with printouts spread out all over the polished surface.

  She’d printed out a bunch of job ads, and she and Riot were going over them all.

  She was determined to do better, to not push Riot in the directions she wanted her to go. So she was going to be open to anything that Riot seemed to like in terms of jobs. She’d learned her lesson, and she wasn’t going to be stupid again.

  She didn’t like feeling that way.

  “So do you see anything that looks good?” Em asked after a few minutes. Riot had been scanning the pages with an intentionally thoughtful expression.