Nothing to Fear

by Claire Boston

  With that she walked away, her heart breaking all over again.

  Chapter 19

  Mai met Hannah halfway across the lawn. “How did it go?”

  Hannah kept walking, needing to move. “Badly.”

  “Why?”

  “He won’t tell me what happened the night Mum died.” Her chest was so tight it was hard to breathe.

  She strode up the street and Mai put a hand on her arm to stop her. “I’m sorry it went badly.” She squeezed Hannah’s hand in support and some of the aggravation melted away.

  “Me too.” She sighed. “Have you got some dough that needs beating up?” If she didn’t do something physical she was going to explode.

  Mai smiled. “I’m sure I can find you something.”

  “Good.” Hannah followed her friend into the back of the bakery.

  By the time Mai finished for the day, Hannah had worked out her tension. They headed to the beautician’s and had a half-day of pampering – waxing, massage, pedicure and manicure. It was absolutely what Hannah needed after the stress of the last two weeks.

  Now, however, some of the nerves were seeping back into her as she got ready for her date with Ryan.

  “What are you going to wear?” Mai asked.

  Hannah fed Joe. “Is the red dress too much?”

  “No, it’s perfect. It’s flirty without being overtly sexy.”

  Flirty was good. “All right.” She went into the bathroom and stepped under the spray.

  Tonight was going to be just her and Ryan. Perhaps she should have suggested they go out to dinner instead, to keep the pressure off both of them. But she did want to be alone with him, she wanted to explore what they had together, and explore her sexuality. Ryan had proven he was patient and they could avoid the things that had freaked her out last time.

  She also wanted to pleasure him. She wanted to make him feel as amazing as he’d made her feel.

  There was one issue – she didn’t know how to make the first move. Should she come out and say it? “Ryan, I want to have sex with you.”

  She cringed. That wasn’t going to work.

  Hannah took her time drying her hair, rubbing moisturiser into her legs and then put on the underwear set she’d bought. The rich red of the lace and satin gave her confidence. She slipped on the summer dress, which showed a hint of cleavage and settled on her curves in a flattering way. Mai was right, it was flirty without being overtly sexual.

  Checking the time again, she quickly applied some makeup and then headed back into Mai’s living room.

  Mai was sitting on the couch reading a book. “You look gorgeous. You’re going to knock Ryan’s socks off.”

  Hannah slid on some flat, black sandals and picked up her bag, checking she had put the condoms inside. “I hope so.”

  “The man’s tongue will be on the floor when he sees you,” Mai assured her. “Are you ready to go?”

  With a breath to calm her nerves, she nodded and then called Joe. Her concern wasn’t for her own safety, but for his health, which signalled a whole change of being. If Joe hadn’t been ill, she could have left him with Mai and gone to Ryan’s by herself. She really did trust him. A thrill raced through her and she grinned.

  “Do you want a lift?” Mai asked.

  Hannah shook her head. “It’ll be easier to take my car.”

  “I’ll walk you down,” Mai said.

  She had the best friends. They had been so understanding over the past couple of weeks, making sure she wasn’t alone. She hugged Mai and then winced as Joe gingerly jumped into the car. He still wasn’t one hundred per cent.

  The evening was warm, the sun slowly heading for the horizon, and the cicadas were chirping noisily in the trees. She inhaled the eucalyptus scent as she drove out to her retreat. For the first time in a week, she pushed all that was happening to the back of her mind. Tonight was all for her, and she wasn’t going to think about stalkers or ex-wives.

  Ryan’s car was outside when the cabin came into view. Hannah tapped on the front door and he called, “Come in.” With a smile, she walked in. The delicious aromas of roasted tomato, garlic and fresh bread floated through the air. She followed her nose into the kitchen, where Ryan was stirring something on the stove.

  He’d changed out of his police uniform and was wearing a pair of black cargo shorts and a blue muscle shirt. It was casual, and she suddenly felt completely overdressed.

  His eyes widened and he grinned at her. “Welcome. You look sensational.”

  Heat warmed her cheeks at his appreciative gaze. “Thank you. Something smells good.”

  “Tomato-and-basil pasta with garlic bread,” he said. “A Zanetti recipe.”

  “Yum.”

  Joe made himself comfortable on the rug by the sofa and Ryan walked over to her. She smiled as she moved forward to meet him halfway and brush a kiss against his lips. It was natural, so normal, as if her coming home to Ryan cooking was something they’d done many times before. He gently slipped a hand around her waist, kissing her again, deeper this time.

  His kisses were warm, gentle and drugging. His hand on her waist was a comfort, not a concern. He pulled back and cleared his throat. “I’d better check dinner.”

  Lightness flooded her. She was sensual and in control. “Can I help with anything?”

  “No. Why don’t you get yourself a drink?” he said as he stirred a pan.

  As she went to the fridge Ryan asked, “What did your dad say to you?”

  Her mood plummeted from pleasant to annoyed. “I don’t want to talk about it, not tonight.”

  “All right,” Ryan said easily. “Joe looks as though he’s recovered.”

  “Yeah. He has to take it easy for the next couple of days though.”

  “Great.” He dished up the pasta, threw the garlic bread into a bowl and carried everything over to the table. “Do you mind if I have a beer?”

  “Not at all.” And wasn’t that a wonderful truth? She wasn’t scared – she had come so far in the last two weeks. She sat down with her glass of lemon, lime and bitters. “To new beginnings.”

  He clinked his bottle against her glass. “Absolutely.” He took a sip of his beer. “How was your day?”

  “Excluding the conversation with my dad, it was really nice. Mai and I had a massage, manicure and pedicure.”

  “That’s great. You deserve to be pampered.”

  Hannah smiled. It had helped to push everything aside and focus on herself and what she wanted.

  “Have you spoken with your grandparents?”

  She closed her eyes as her mood went south again. “Not yet. I’ll call them tomorrow.” She didn’t want to think about that mess at the moment, she needed a nicer topic of conversation. “What are you doing for Christmas?”

  “Mrs Z invited us around. Jamie arrives tomorrow and Kit’s coming over, so it should be fun. What about you?”

  She shrugged. “I’m not sure anymore. Dad invited me to Phillip’s, but that won’t work. I’ll do the pancakes at the park at least.”

  Ryan frowned. “I’m sure Mrs Z won’t mind an extra person if you want to come.”

  He was right and the idea of spending Christmas with Ryan, Felix and her friends was a hell of a lot more appealing than dealing with her father and grandparents. Christmas had definitely lost its sparkle this year. “Thanks. I’ll think about it.”

  He covered her hand with his. “I can guarantee Felix will like you there.”

  “What about his dad?”

  Ryan smiled, picked up her hand and kissed the back of it. “His dad definitely wants you there.” The intensity in his eyes captured her. This attraction had happened so fast, so out of the blue, especially with everything else that was going on. For the first time since her assault, she trusted her emotions, trusted Ryan. “That’s nice to know.”

  They finished their meal and Ryan got to his feet. “Would you like more?”

  “No, thank you.” She carried her plate to the kitchen and ran t
he water to do the dishes.

  “Leave those,” Ryan said.

  She smiled at him. “I’d like to help. You cooked, it’s only fair.” And it would give her time to figure out how to tell him what she really wanted.

  “All right.” He grabbed a tea towel. “I’ll dry.”

  They worked in companionable silence until the dishes were done.

  “Shall we sit outside for a while?” Ryan asked. “It’s a nice night.” He was right next to her, so close she felt his body heat and she liked his nearness.

  She washed her hands, drying them slowly on a tea towel. Was she brave enough to ask for what she really wanted? She brushed a hand along his arm. “We could play hot or cold.” Heat rose to her cheeks.

  He glanced at her, and then that sweet smile curved his lips. “We could.”

  Feeling braver, she stepped forward and pressed her lips against his. He tasted like tomatoes. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders, deepening the kiss as the intensity rose. He slid his hand over her breast, cupping it, and her whole body went hot. His touch was so damn good. She wanted his hands all over her body, directly on her skin. She broke the kiss, feeling empowered by his heavy breathing, and clasped his hand, leading him into his bedroom.

  “Is Joe likely to bother us?” Ryan asked as they went through the door.

  Hannah hesitated. She had no idea.

  “Door open or closed?”

  Her pulse spiked in fear and she pushed through it. She could do this, she had already done this. “Closed.” The last thing she needed was her dog ruining the mood. She shut the door and Ryan moved over to the bed, giving her the space she needed. Slowly she closed the distance, her eyes on Ryan’s. The desire was clear in them. He wanted her as much as she wanted him.

  She ran her hands over his chest, felt the strength of his muscles beneath her palms. He was so strong and yet so gentle, such a wonderful contrast. She slipped her hands under his top, and he murmured his approval as he ran his hands over the back of her dress. Hannah wanted his hands on her, but they were both wearing too many clothes. With a confidence she hadn’t known she possessed, she reached behind her, unzipped the dress and allowed it to slide from her body, so that she was standing in her new red underwear.

  “Jesus, Hannah, you’re beautiful.” Ryan’s eyes roved her body and he clenched his hands into fists. He met her eyes. “There’s nothing I want more than to take you into my arms and show you how much I want you, but I don’t want to scare you. You need to talk to me, tell me what you like.”

  She revelled in his concern. She stepped towards him, ran her hands underneath his shirt again. “Take it off.”

  He ripped his shirt off, throwing it on the ground, and reached for her, but then he hesitated and pulled back his hand. His restraint was admirable and made her feel safe, in charge.

  Hannah ran her hands up his chest, loving the hardness of his muscles not far under his skin, tracing his nipples with her thumbs. His breath was shaky, but he stood there, not moving. She wanted to taste him and cautiously licked first one nipple, drawing it into her mouth, and then the other.

  He hissed and she glanced up, concerned she was doing something wrong, but his head was back and his eyes were closed. “Is that all right?”

  He nodded.

  She touched his cheek and he opened his eyes. “You need to tell me if I do anything you don’t like.”

  “That’s not going to be a problem,” he said, his voice strained, then smiled at her.

  Reassured, she continued her exploration of his body, sucking his nipples and brushing kisses all along his chest and neck. He groaned when she nibbled just below his earlobe.

  Her body filled with desire and she wanted his hands on her. “Ryan.” She waited until he was looking at her. “Touch me.”

  With a muttered prayer of thanks, he pulled her close, kissing her with a passion she had never known. His hands seemed to be everywhere and she loved the way they slid over her body, managing to be gentle at the same time as they were insistent.

  He pressed kisses down her neck, towards her chest and then his mouth found her nipple. Heat flooded her body and she arched towards him.

  “Hannah,” he murmured in question as his hand found the clasp of her bra.

  She nodded and in a moment he was peeling it off her. Then his mouth was on her skin and her whole body shook. “Bed.” He turned them both and pushed her so the back of her legs hit the bed and she fell backwards onto it. In the dim light of dusk, Ryan was in shadow and the memory of that other night stabbed through her brain.

  Fear gripped her chest. “No!” Frantically she scrambled back, off the other side of the bed and Ryan froze.

  She cringed, hating the instinctual fear, hating that it still held so much power over her when all she wanted was to enjoy this man and his body. “Sorry,” she gasped, hand to her chest, trying to slow her heartbeat and push the awful image of Justin out of her head. She didn’t need to be afraid, that night was in the past, this was Ryan.

  Ryan slowly sat on the edge of the bed as if not to spook her. “It’s all right.”

  She reached over to switch on the bedside lamp and the extra light banished the nightmare. Ryan’s eyes were filled with concern.

  “The dark,” she tried to explain. “Your shadow.”

  He nodded and she gazed at him, replacing her flashback with what was actually in front of her – his beautiful hazel eyes, his strong, muscled chest, the bulge in his black cargo shorts. Her gaze locked on his groin. Part of her wanted to touch him there, to see him and make new memories to replace those that caused her so much fear. She sat back on the bed, shuffling so she was closer to him.

  “Do you want to stop?” Ryan asked.

  She shook her head. “No. Can you be patient with me?”

  “As patient as you need.” He brushed her cheek with his thumb.

  His words and his touch sent butterflies fluttering in her chest. She leaned forward and kissed him, keeping it gentle, and the desire began to stir in her body again. She ran a hand down his chest, hesitating as she reached the waistline of his shorts. The last time she’d touched it, it had thrown up all her brakes.

  “You don’t have to if you don’t want.” His voice seemed louder in the night and she realised she was staring at his groin. Heat rushed her cheeks as she glanced at him. He was waiting for her response. She had to be completely honest with him.

  “I’d like to, but I’m worried it will freak me out again.”

  “How about you put your hand on top of mine?” he said. “I’ll show you what I like.”

  She nodded and he shifted so he was sitting with his back against the headboard and his legs in front of him. He held out his hand and she placed hers over it, then he touched himself through his shorts. Slowly he rubbed himself, his eyes closing. He’d been so careful with her, had made her feel so amazing, and she wanted to be the one who made him moan. She slipped her hand under his, touching the heat of his hard erection. He trembled as she ran her fingers along his length. “Show me what to do.”

  His eyes popped open and he gently wrapped his hand around hers, demonstrating what he liked. The stiff fabric of his shorts made it difficult to feel him. Annoyed, she unbuttoned his shorts and slid down the zip.

  His hands stopped her. “Are you sure?”

  She nodded. “Take them off.”

  In an instant, he’d lifted his butt and pushed his shorts down his legs.

  Hannah stared. Cautiously, she touched him again and slid her finger under the elastic of his briefs.

  Ryan’s quick intake of breath had her stopping.

  “Hot,” he said.

  She smiled, and emboldened, she ran her hand over him again, squeezing gently, and his whole body jerked. His eyes were closed and his hands were clenched. “More?” she asked.

  He nodded. “Please.”

  This time she slipped her hand underneath the fabric. He was warm, hard and kind of silky, and she explored the t
exture with her fingers.

  “Hannah.” His tone was tense. “Can I take them off?”

  Was it uncomfortable for him? She shifted down the bed so she was kneeling by his side. “Let me.” Slowly, she slid her hands under the elastic and dragged off his underpants. It was an impressive sight, hard and erect and pointing towards his chest to where he was watching her, the desire in his face clear. A heady wave of power washed over her. She was in charge.

  She ran a hand lightly up his leg towards his groin. “Hot or cold?”

  His lips twitched. “Warm.”

  She moved closer towards his penis.

  “Warmer.”

  She gripped him and squeezed, running her hand up and down his length.

  “Hot. Oh, geez, Hannah stop.”

  Alarmed, she snatched her hand away. “Did I hurt you?”

  He shook his head, reaching over and hauling her across the bed so she was straddling him. “No.” His kiss was passionate, a little rough. “It’s been a while. Let me touch you.”

  He already was. His erection pushed hard against her mound, nestling between her legs as she straddled him. The heat was incredible and she grew wet. She nodded and his hands roamed over her body, touching and teasing.

  Hannah’s head fell back as he sucked her nipples, his hands everywhere at once. Her skin was on fire and her groin was pulsing, almost painfully. She wanted to take off her underwear, wanted to demand he touch her down there.

  As if he heard her thoughts, his thumb rubbed her clitoris and she shook with need. “More.”

  He flipped them so she was on her back and he was next to her, slowly sliding off her knickers. She wriggled to hurry him along. “Faster.”

  He stripped them off and then his mouth met her heat.

  She groaned as pleasure filled her. Her whole body was so hot, like it was going to explode. He slipped a finger inside her and her body jerked, but it wasn’t enough. She wanted more. “Condom,” she gasped.

  He froze.

  Need was pulsing inside her. “Please. I need more.” She wriggled away from him.