Noli me tángere. English

by José Rizal

  CHAPTER LXII

  Padre Damaso Explains

  Vainly were the rich wedding presents heaped upon a table; neitherthe diamonds in their cases of blue velvet, nor the pina embroideries,nor the rolls of silk, drew the gaze of Maria Clara. Without readingor even seeing it the maiden sat staring at the newspaper which gavean account of the death of Ibarra, drowned in the lake.

  Suddenly she felt two hands placed over her eyes to hold her fastand heard Padre Damaso's voice ask merrily, "Who am I? Who am I?"

  Maria Clara sprang from her seat and gazed at him in terror.

  "Foolish little girl, you're not afraid, are you? You weren't expectingme, eh? Well, I've come in from the provinces to attend your wedding."

  He smiled with satisfaction as he drew nearer to her and held outhis hand for her to kiss. Maria Clara approached him tremblingly andtouched his hand respectfully to her lips.

  "What's the matter with you, Maria?" asked the Franciscan, losing hismerry smile and becoming uneasy. "Your hand is cold, you're pale. Areyou ill, little girl?"

  Padre Damaso drew her toward himself with a tenderness that one wouldhardly have thought him capable of, and catching both her hands inhis questioned her with his gaze.

  "Don't you have confidence in your godfather any more?" he askedreproachfully. "Come, sit down and tell me your little troubles asyou used to do when you were a child, when you wanted tapers to makewax dolls, You know that I've always loved you, I've never been crosswith you."

  His voice was now no longer brusque, and even became tenderlymodulated. Maria Clara began to weep.

  "You're crying, little girl? Why do you cry? Have you quarreledwith Linares?"

  Maria Clara covered her ears. "Don't speak of him not now!" she cried.

  Padre Damaso gazed at her in startled wonder.

  "Won't you trust me with your secrets? Haven't I always tried tosatisfy your lightest whim?"

  The maiden raised eyes filled with tears and stared at him for a longtime, then again fell to weeping bitterly.

  "Don't cry so, little girl. Your tears hurt me. Tell me your troubles,and you'll see how your godfather loves you!"

  Maria Clara approached him slowly, fell upon her knees, and raisingher tear-stained face toward his asked in a low, scarcely audible tone,"Do you still love me?"

  "Child!"

  "Then, protect my father and break off my marriage!" Here themaiden told of her last interview with Ibarra, concealing only herknowledge of the secret of her birth. Padre Damaso could scarcelycredit his ears.

  "While he lived," the girl continued, "I thought of struggling, Iwas hoping, trusting! I wanted to live so that I might hear of him,but now that they have killed him, now there is no reason why I shouldlive and suffer." She spoke in low, measured tones, calmly, tearlessly.

  "But, foolish girl, isn't Linares a thousand times better than--"

  "While he lived, I could have married--I thought of running awayafterwards--my father wants only the relationship! But now that heis dead, no other man shall call me wife! While he was alive I coulddebase myself, for there would have remained the consolation that helived and perhaps thought of me, but now that he is dead--the nunneryor the tomb!"

  The girl's voice had a ring of firmness in it such that Padre Damasolost his merry air and became very thoughtful.

  "Did you love him as much as that?" he stammered.

  Maria Clara did not answer. Padre Damaso dropped his head on hischest and remained silent for a long time.

  "Daughter in God," he exclaimed at length in a broken voice, "forgiveme for having made you unhappy without knowing it. I was thinkingof your future, I desired your happiness. How could I permit youto marry a native of the country, to see you an unhappy wife anda wretched mother? I couldn't get that love out of your head eventhough I opposed it with all my might. I committed wrongs, for you,solely for you. If you had become his wife you would have mournedafterwards over the condition of your husband, exposed to all kindsof vexations without means of defense. As a mother you would havemourned the fate of your sons: if you had educated them, you would haveprepared for them a sad future, for they would have become enemiesof Religion and you would have seen them garroted or exiled; if youhad kept them ignorant, you would have seen them tyrannized over anddegraded. I could not consent to it! For this reason I sought foryou a husband that could make you the happy mother of sons who wouldcommand and not obey, who would punish and not suffer. I knew thatthe friend of your childhood was good, I liked him as well as hisfather, but I have hated them both since I saw that they were goingto bring about your unhappiness, because I love you, I adore you,I love you as one loves his own daughter! Yours is my only affection;I have seen you grow--not an hour has passed that I have not thoughtof you--I dreamed of you--you have been my only joy!"

  Here Padre Damaso himself broke out into tears like a child.

  "Then, as you love me, don't make me eternally wretched. He no longerlives, so I want to be a nun!"

  The old priest rested his forehead on his hand. "To be a nun, anun!" he repeated. "You don't know, child, what the life is, themystery that is hidden behind the walls of the nunnery, you don'tknow! A thousand times would I prefer to see you unhappy in theworld rather than in the cloister. Here your complaints can be heard,there you will have only the walls. You are beautiful, very beautiful,and you were not born for that--to be a bride of Christ! Believe me,little girl, time will wipe away everything. Later on you will forget,you will love, you will love your husband--Linares."

  "The nunnery or--death!"

  "The nunnery, the nunnery, or death!" exclaimed Padre Damaso. "Maria,I am now an old man, I shall not be able much longer to watch overyou and your welfare. Choose something else, seek another love,some other man, whoever he may be--anything but the nunnery."

  "The nunnery or death!"

  "My God, my God!" cried the priest, covering his head with his hands,"Thou chastisest me, so let it be! But watch over my daughter!"

  Then, turning again to the young woman, he said, "You wish to be a nun,and it shall be so. I don't want you to die."

  Maria Clara caught both his hands in hers, clasping and kissing themas she fell upon her knees, repeating over and over, "My godfather,I thank you, my godfather!"

  With bowed head Fray Damaso went away, sad and sighing. "God, Thoudost exist, since Thou chastisest! But let Thy vengeance fall on me,harm not the innocent. Save Thou my daughter!"