Stranger in Paradise

by stan graham

  “That’s the way things are nowadays mum, more casual. The Victorian days are over.”

  “Don’t be so cheeky madam, I am not a Victorian,” I told her before switching off my phone.

  Dave Tontine has been looking very worried of late. Jack Pope told me that he was having trouble with his business affairs.

  “I didn’t realise the man had any business affairs.”

  “That’s the trouble he hasn’t but somebody told the Tax people that he was running a business buying and selling televisions.”

  “Oh what a shame. And is he?”

  “Fat chance he hasn’t the gumption. But it seems someone put an advert into the paper under his name offering to buy and sell cheap televisions. Well he says he don’t know nothing about it and I believe him. What’s more the other day somebody sent him a catalogue for rubber things. He swears he never ordered it but he showed me and I was shocked. ”

  As I saw Tontine approaching I left them to get on with it.

  “What did that old so and so want?”

  “Just passing the time of day.”

  Well I have just got a card from the Post Office telling me there were some letters to collect. Why they can’t deliver them I don’t know, something about excess postage charge. Well I went down there and this is what they give me.” He waved two large brown envelopes. “The charged me a pound each as a fine plus another 50p each extra postage.”

  “So what’s in them?”

  “This!” he screeched waving two pieces of card with the words RIP Elvis on them. “It must have been somebody from here.”

  “I doubt it they haven’t got either the energy or the imagination. Who have you upset lately?”

  “Nobody, you know me I’m always nice to people.”

  “Hmm.”

  I haven’t heard from Peter but then he is so very busy running his department or so he would have us all believe. Poor lad not a patch on his dad. He ran a whole store not just something financial. He always was a disappointment to us, well they both are if the truth must be told.

  I told you she don’t like to be crossed. The kids yes they never live up to your expectations or to their full potential. Ah well.

  Halloween, the day Arthur died, it is etched into my memory. I plan a quiet day, As the weather is dry I go to the park, it refreshes me and lifts my mood.

  I decide to pop into the Church to say a few prayers. The Rev. Clarke asks me if anything is the matter but I just explain that I am having a quiet moment thinking about Arthur and he leaves me alone. Do you know those few moments of contemplation and prayer have done more for me than a whole day of company. Jane phoned later in the day.

  “Hello Mum, just thought I would give you a ring to see that you are aright”

  “Why wouldn’t I be?”

  “ Well you know it is the day Dad died. I didn’t want you to think you were alone in your thoughts. I have been thinking of you all day. I’m sorry if I upset you on Sunday.”

  “Think no more of it, I haven’t. But you must be more careful trying to pigeon-hole people. I suppose that comes from your job. I haven’t heard from Peter for a long time.”

  “He’s got a lot on his plate at the moment but I’m sure he will ring when he gets a moment.”

  “It only takes a minute to pick up a telephone.”

  “So why don’t you give him a call? I’m sure he will be delighted to hear from you.”

  “It’s not my place to run around after him, besides I wouldn’t want him to think I was putting any pressure on him you know what he is like.”

  “I am sure he will be delighted to hear from you, it’s just that he has so much work to do that he gets a bit forgetful at times.”

  She is such a thoughtful girl always making excuses for Peter who doesn’t deserve it.

  “What’s has he got to be forgetful about with his comfy little home and his comfy little wife?”

  “Really Mother if I didn’t know you better I would have said you was jealous. Anyway I think he’s been having trouble with Kristin, you know how girls can be at that age.“

  “Me jealous you must be joking and don’t you ever dare say anything like that again. I remember how you were, never did anything I told you to do. Still you grew out of that eventually.”

  “Yes and I’m sure Kristin will also.”I am so glad that I was able to reassure her that I was okay and after exchanging a few more pleasantries she rung off.

  ***********

  Chapter 9 . NOVEMBER

  My father Barry Bond was born in 1891. He was adopted when just two weeks old, and raised by a family of god fearing Baptists.

  School was a nightmare for him and as his father would leave him at one gate to go in he would flee out from another gate. He told me that he hated school because they used to make him stand in a corner with a dunce’s cap on his head.

  He left as soon as he was able at fourteen and his father got him a job as an errand boy for a local vicar. His only pleasure was a bicycle that he built himself from bits and pieces that he found on the scrap. He would go for long cycle rides on his own on his day off.

  He married the girl next door and at first it seemed to work out okay but after a miscarriage and then a difficult birth bearing Arthur she lost all interest in the marital bed and before long Father had found himself a replacement. Leaving Mother as a single parent.

  Bringing up a child on ones own in those days was not something taken lightly and carried a stigma. Bit like Janice’s mum. Mother had been a servant girl at the vicarage before marrying and not being afraid of work she had been able to manage by taking in washing and cleaning.

  The clocks went back last weekend. Dark nights and even darker mornings.

  I allow myself an extra hour in bed these days. After all what have I got to get up for.

  Nobody loves me any more now that Arthur has gone. I know what mother felt now when father left. I am still taking the pills. Just got a new prescription last week before my current one runs out. I feel fuzzy all the time so perhaps it’s just as well I don’t see anybody. I am wondering if I have Old-timers as I keep forgetting things. I went to my bedroom to get something and when I got there I couldn’t remember what I had gone in for. I still can’t remember what it was that I went for.

  Jane laughed it off when I mentioned it to her. “We all get senior moments mum, even I do it.”

  Well that’s a relief. Some days there are a whole lot of things happening but others are quiet. I thought Mrs M would come and ask me to return to the charity shop but she hasn’t been near. I heard they were closing it down. Not surprised, I always thought they overcharged considering that they got everything for nothing. No one cares. We are all managing very well without Smythe. No more shocks with the fire alarm. I believe the life expectancy has actually increased since he left.

  Threw some weed killer over Mr Tontine’s roses. It’s a shame but in war the innocent suffer.

  I don’t think Janice needs me any more she seems to have found her niche. But we will see.

  Well there is a turn up for the book Pamela has had a fall and broke her hip.

  She didn’t see that coming. Apparently Julia found her lying on the floor in her flat. She hadn’t been able to reach her mobile and get help so she had waited for hours until Julia turned up. That’s suspicious, did she really fall or was it something else?

  Why did Julia turn up at that precise moment when she was needed? Good job she did though. I always said that Captain Smythe should have been replaced but nobody listens. Too concerned with saving £2-20 a week. I have always said that money cannot buy you good health and it is such a small price to pay for security but no, always concerned about the cost of everything and the value of nothing, that’s them. Well it serves them right. Still I suppose that eliminates Smythe. Although how do we know he hasn’t been bumped off? Nobody seems to have heard from him since he went.

  I asked Julia how Pamela was and she told me that she had visited her
that afternoon and that she was very depressed. I wasn’t sure if it was Julia or Pamela who was depressed but judging by Julia’s expression I would think they both were. I know I would be if Julia visited me. It seems that nobody was prepared to give a straight answer about when she would be allowed home. Apparently they have found that she has osteoporosis and can easily break her bones so the authorities are not keen in her coming home where she would not get proper attention. I offered Julia some old magazines for her to take up for Pamela the next time she visits.

  “Pamela would like it if you came with me.”

  “I don’t think so dear. Hospitals and me just don’t get on. Besides I can never find anything to say. No it’s out of the question, I just don’t do hospital visits, but give Pamela my love.”

  “ It’s not your love she needs although that’s welcome of course, just a friendly face to talk to. Oliver has offered to take us in his car.”

  Oh he doesn’t mind using his car to take you there then I thought.

  “ Talk at you mean. What about Anne, can’t she go with you?”

  “Oh she won’t go near a hospital. Doesn’t believe in them. What with her being a holistic therapist she says they do more harm than good. Besides she scared of catching that MRSA.”

  “Well if her best friend won’t go and visit her why should I? Anyway I’m not going near there if there’s any danger of MRSA. You just go for a visit and finish up sharing the ward with the person you went to visit”

  “Just hope you never end up in hospital if that’s your attitude. Anyway have you heard about poor Percy Terence, he just keeled over dead, just like that.”

  “No, I didn’t know anything was wrong with him.”

  “Neither did anyone else, they are going to have an autopsy.”

  Another suspicious death, although with all these old people it’s not surprising really.

  I am sure that Pamela will be back soon. It turned out that Pamela got Julia to bring her the tarot cards and she has started giving readings at the hospital.

  “She didn’t even have time to talk to me, she was so busy reading this nurses future in the cards” Julia said wiping her eyes with a tissue. “I felt utterly useless.”

  “No change there then” I said trying to inject a bit of humour into the conversation.

  “Oh, you, you.” Julia runs off.

  They have reinstituted the alarm checks but now its only once a month, on the third Wednesday of the month, which is a lot better than previously.

  Today is the anniversary of Arthur’s funeral. It doesn’t really mean much to me, just the day we disposed of his remains. He left me on the day he died and everything else was just the trappings. There were a few strange things that happened though. One of his work friends, James Pritchard I think it was, pointed out that he had died on Halloween and that there were thirteen wreathes. I shrugged it off and told him not to be silly but I had already noticed that myself. He was cremated you know, no chance of him rising from the grave to haunt me. The funny thing is that his funeral was originally scheduled to take place on Tuesday the 13th. But had to be rescheduled due to pressure on the crematorium.

  A contingent of us went to the Remembrance Sunday Service at the war memorial. Nearly everyone from the Community went. Those that didn’t were the usual suspects who haven’t bought a Poppy despite Dave Tontine calling on everyone with Poppies for sale. He made a note of those who didn’t buy one. Him and Jack Pope wore their berets and medals and looked quite a picture. I wore my best skirt with a jacket and hat. Mr Harness shocked everyone by wearing a white poppy, he said he didn’t approve of war but thought he should honour those who had been forced to fight. I’m not sure whether I understood all that but both Jack and Dave were very cross with him. Jack threatened to kick his stick away if he stood near him.

  Oh my what a scandal, Mr Pope has been arrested for sexual misconduct. Apparently he was in the town and he slapped a ladies bottom. This might not have been so bad but apparently the bottom he slapped belonged to a policewoman.

  We all attended the magistrate’s court to watch and give him our support, although I don’t really think he deserves it. My mother always said not to trust a man whose eyebrows meet.

  He pleaded guilty and asked to be allowed to say something in mitigation.

  Mr Pope explained that he just saw this big moon shape and couldn’t resist the temptation, he then went on to say that she should be grateful. He then intimidated that it was her own fault for displaying her bottom and leading him a good honest Christian, into temptation. We all burst out laughing. But the magistrate took it a lot more serious and was very severe, telling us that we could be removed from court or even charged with contempt if we made any more noise. It was all that Mr Harness’s fault. Cough, cough, cough, I hissed at him to be quiet and the judge gave me a stare, as if I was to blame.

  He then told Mr Pope that he should know better at his age and that in future he must resist such impulses and that if he saw him in court again he would be dealt with far more severely. He then imposed a of fine £50. Mr Pope said it was worth every penny.

  He really is an old reprobate. It came out during the hearing that he was in the habit of cycling to town every Thursday, which is half-day closing, to visit a so-called friend. Guess who it is? Mrs Louise McTeith the manageress of the charity shop where I used to work and obviously a lady of easy virtue. I must say it was an eye opener for all of us. Just think of the risks that I have been taking allowing that sexual predator into my flat to fix my curtain for me. Anything could have happened. No wonder that Mrs McTeith never asked me to return to the shop she was jealous of me. The thought of those two skinny shanks copulating sends a shudder through my spine.

  I decided, on a whim to see how Pippa was getting on at her new home. I don’t suppose she has many visitors. I put on my best coat and took myself off. As I approached the building I could see an old lady looking out of one of the top floor windows, it wasn’t Pippa but I gave her a little wave just to be friendly.

  Just inside the door there was a rack containing about twenty walking sticks. They looked so forlorn there as if waiting for someone who would never come to take them out for a walk. I decided not to go inside but just walked away. As I did so I happened to glance up at the window where I had seen the lady but there was nobody there. I felt so sad but that’s the way things are once you get old; nobody wants to know about you.

  The smokers have dwindled until there are only the die-hards Dave Tontine and Joseph Harness continuing to smoke outside. The others appear to have decided either to give up the disgusting habit or to just smoke in their own flats. Good.

  I am sure that one or the other of them has been blowing smoke through my letterbox while I am out. Of course they both deny it but I have seen Dave Tontine standing holding the doors to the block open while smoking.

  Another squirrel has died. I found him beneath one of the trees. It was Art, his poor little body just lay there and I noticed Janie his mum making a noise so I went over and found him.

  I think it is time to up the pressure on Tontine.

  I called the local funereal parlour and pretended to be his wife and asked them to send somebody to make all the arrangements.

  Another person has called to ask if I wanted a catalogue. I explained that I already use the Betterware one but she said that she was taking over from Susan and that her name was Diana. Really they change as frequently as the window cleaners used to back home. Every time somebody lost their job they would take up window cleaning for a short while until the work got to much for them and someone else would take over a few weeks later. I tell you that you could have had your windows washed every week by a different person if you wanted. Not that we ever employed them. My Arthur would sit on the windowsill and clean them himself.

  “No point in paying for it when I can do it, “ he would say. “It’s like buying a dog and then barking yourself.”

  We have our windows cleaned once a mo
nth as part of the rent. He comes with a big brush on the end of a pole. You have to make sure your windows are closed because he washes them anyway.

  Since Smythe left the regular meetings at the community centre seem to have collapsed, nobody wants to organise anything. So maybe he was of some use after all.

  Well what a kerfuffle a black van arrived with two undertakers asking for the deceased Mr David Tontine saying they had been called by his wife. He nearly had a fit, cursing and swearing, I have never heard such rich language in my life. The undertakers weren’t too pleased either and threatened to call the police but I don’t think they bothered. I can’t understand why anybody would do a job like that. Ghoulish.

  ***********

  WINTER

  Chapter 10. DECEMBER

  Sometimes I wonder why I bother to wake up in the mornings. This week is going to be the same as last week and that was the same as the week before. One day follows another. The only change being the old bones give me more aches and pains. Nobody came yesterday, nobody will come today and nobody will come tomorrow.

  It's freezing in the flat. The windows are frosted up and I have to wipe them before I can look outside. There is frost on the roof opposite so I know that the roads will be slippery. I dread the idea of falling and breaking my hip so I will not be going anywhere today. I could put the central heating on but I am afraid of my heating bills getting out of hand. I have upped my vitamin C tablet dose so as not to catch a cold.