by Penny Jordan
‘Which brings me to something else. Doesn’t the fact that nature has declared that she no longer considers you physically able to produce a child mean anything to you?’
‘What are you trying to say, Nicki?’ Maggie interrupted her with quick defensiveness. ‘That only naturally fertile women have the right to have children?’
‘Of course I’m not, but you have to admit that there’s a huge difference between a woman who is medically unable to conceive, and one who has rejected the opportunity to have children, until she is through the menopause and then decided, Oh, I’ve changed my mind. I want a baby after all. What do you think a baby is, Maggie? Some kind of status symbol? The fertility equivalent of a course of Botox and a face-lift? A way of gaining instant youth?’
‘That’s not fair,’ Maggie protested. ‘This has nothing to do with anything like that!’
‘No? I’m sorry but I don’t believe you! I think the only reason you’re having this baby is because of Oliver. Because you think…’
‘Because I think what?’ Maggie challenged her angrily. ‘Because I think that by having Oliver’s baby I’m going to keep him?’
As their glances clashed it was Nicki who looked away first. A dull flush had spread up over the smooth column of her throat. As she reached out for her wineglass her fingers trembled slightly when she picked it up, the immaculate glossy darkness of her manicure reflecting the richness of the red wine.
As she took a deep swallow Alice murmured, ‘When is the baby due, Maggie?’
‘October. Not for another eight months. They do a blood test a fortnight after…after. I was very lucky. Some women go through several unsuccessful attempts before they actually become pregnant.’
‘I’ve read about the procedure,’ Stella commented, resorting to practicality in an attempt to lower the emotional intensity level a little. ‘But what is actually involved?’
‘What is involved is that a healthy, young fertile woman is tricked into believing that her voluntarily given eggs are going to be donated to another young woman,’ Nicki told them angrily before Maggie could respond.
‘The woman whose egg I received had made no stipulation about the age of any donee,’ Maggie informed them all quietly.
‘It’s a very big step to take,’ Alice said gently.
‘I know,’ Maggie agreed, with quiet dignity. ‘That was why I was counting on having your support, and your help.’
There was a look in her eyes that made Alice ache for her.
‘Of course we’ll help you,’ she assured her.
‘I’m sorry, but I just don’t want anything to do with this,’ Nicki exclaimed, finishing her wine and putting her glass down. Beneath her immaculate make-up her face looked strained.
‘Nicki,’ Alice intervened softly, ‘I’m sure that Maggie has considered everything.’
‘Has she?’ Nicki’s voice was cynical. ‘Or is she simply following another trend? What is it exactly that you want to prove, Maggie? Or can we guess? First a young lover, and then a baby. It’s all so easy for you, isn’t it? You just decide what you want and then you go out and buy it, whether it’s a new car, a new man, or a new life!
‘Has it occurred to you to wonder how this baby is going to feel when he or she gets laughed at and taunted at school for having such an old mother? Has it even occurred to you that you might not be there when he or she most needs you, when they reach their teens?’
Alice couldn’t bear to look at either Maggie or Nicki. The silence between them was bad enough, armed with spikily dangerous emotions. Stella, she could see, was frowning, and looking as though she was about to give them both a lecture.
Desperate to avert the disaster she could see looming Alice burst out frantically, ‘I’ve got some news to tell you all as well!’
‘Don’t tell us that you’re pregnant too!’ Stella demanded, giving her a wry look. ‘Mind you somehow in your case it wouldn’t be that surprising, Alice. You’ve always had that earth mother look about you, and as we all know your Stuart is very highly sexed!’
Whilst Alice blushed, Maggie made a brave attempt at a slightly crooked smile, but Nicki’s face still looked as though it had been turned to stone.
‘We always used to have to ring you before coming round, in case Stuart had slipped home and taken you to bed,’ Stella reminded her dryly.
‘Yes, he put a lock on the inside of the bedroom door to keep the children out,’ Maggie agreed.
‘Remember that water bed he wanted to buy?’
‘Stop it, all of you,’ Alice protested, but she was smiling now as well. ‘That was years ago, when we were young,’ she reproved them all mock primly. ‘Anyway, I’m not pregnant! It’s nothing like that. I’ve applied for and been accepted on an Open University course.’
There was a small silence whilst they all looked at her with varying degrees of amused kindness.
Because they thought her news wasn’t important, or because they thought that she simply did not have what it took to carry her plans through?
Why, when they were her friends, did she sometimes feel as though secretly, inwardly, they felt that she was inferior to them; that they treated her more as a junior member of their group than an equal? Why was it that people just never seemed to show respect for her and for her needs?
‘Goodness, Alice, if I’d known you’d got that kind of spare time I’d have co-opted you onto one of my committees,’ Stella was saying briskly.
‘What good news. I’m so pleased for you,’ Maggie offered warmly.
‘You’re a lot braver than I am,’ was Nicki’s slightly terse contribution. ‘I find it hard enough keeping up with Joey’s homework—just one of the pleasures of motherhood that’s going to come as quite a culture shock to you, Maggie,’ she added grimly.
‘Well, it’s something I’ve wanted to do for a long time,’ Alice admitted, valiantly trying to ignore Nicki’s barbed comment. ‘More for my own satisfaction than anything else.’
Her own satisfaction; those years and that sense of self she had suddenly started feeling that her early marriage had robbed her of? Once she would have immediately expressed those feelings to the others, but now somehow she felt reticent about doing so, and about revealing her small dreams for their probably critical inspection. After all, they had hardly greeted her news with any degree of awe or admiration, had they? If anything, it had fallen rather flat.
‘I need the loo,’ Maggie announced, pink-faced, as she stood up. As she made her way across the restaurant she refused to allow herself to mourn the little daydreams she had been entertaining of having her friends reminisce about their pregnancies, bonding with her in her joy and excitement; teasing her for her shy uncertainty about things they were experts on.
Tensely Nicki watched her go.
‘Don’t look at me like that,’ she said grimly to Alice and Stella. ‘You know I’m right! If Maggie had wanted to be a mother she had ample opportunity to do so when she was married to Dan. Look, I’m going to go. Here’s enough to cover my share of the bill,’ she told Stella, pushing some money towards her.
‘Nicki…’ Alice protested unhappily, but Nicki simply shook her head and got up.
‘Oh, dear,’ Alice sighed, watching her leave.
‘I can understand how she feels, but she did go a little bit over the top,’ Stella pronounced judicially. When Alice looked uncertainly at her, she explained, ‘The probabilities are that Maggie is having this baby for all the wrong reasons. She has always been inclined to be impetuous, we all know that. She should be acting her age.’
Alice frowned as she caught the note of angry bitterness in Stella’s voice. What was wrong with them all tonight? Why did they seem to be so at odds with one another?
‘It would be awful if Maggie and Nicki quarrelled,’ she said, searching Stella’s face for signs that she shared her anxiety and disquiet. ‘She and Maggie have always been so close. We’ve all always been so close. Our friendship is a very important part of all
our lives, isn’t it?’ she pressed.
In the ladies’ room, Maggie ran cool water over her wrists and tried to compose herself.
Her face was burning with pain and anger. This was not how she had envisaged her news being received. There was no laughter or sense of closeness bonding the others to her now, Maggie recognised. And for Nicki, Nicki of all people, to react in the way that she had!
As she returned to their table Alice told her awkwardly, ‘Nicki said to say goodbye. She had to go. I think she was worried about Joey. He doesn’t like Laura, apparently.’
Alice was lying to her, Maggie knew. Nicki had left because of her! Because of her baby!
As though she sensed what she was feeling Alice told her, ‘Don’t be upset by what Nicki said, Maggie. You’ve given us all a shock and Nicki…’
‘And Nicki is the same age as me and the mother of a nine-year-old son, but, of course, it’s different for her. After all, we all know how much Nicki wanted to have children; she even stayed with that rat of a husband of hers long after she should have left because she wanted to conceive so much. Now there’s irresponsibility for you, if you like. Nicki was being physically abused by Carl, and we all suspected it, but she lied to protect him, and she would have had his child, even though the statistics she’s so fond of quoting prove that physically abusive men often abuse their children as well as their wives!’
‘Come on, Maggie. We understand how upset you are, but that’s not—’ Stella began.
‘It’s not what?’ Maggie demanded. ‘It’s not fair of me to criticise Nicki, but it’s perfectly acceptable for her to criticise me?’
‘Oh, Maggie,’ Alice begged unhappily. ‘That wasn’t what Stella was trying to say…We’ve been friends for so long, we can’t let a little thing like this—’
‘A little thing? Is that how you see my baby, Alice? As something little and unimportant? Is that how all of you see me? Well, let me tell you, this baby, Oliver’s baby, my baby, means more to me than anything else, and that includes your friendship!’
‘Maggie, calm down,’ Stella intervened. ‘This isn’t doing you or the baby any good. Look, let’s get the bill. Then we can all go home and sleep on things.’
‘Yes!’ Alice agreed with obvious relief. ‘You did say that you didn’t want to be late anyway, didn’t you, Stella?’
Outside the restaurant they exchanged their customary hugs and kisses, but Maggie could sense awkwardness and constraint in place of their usual closeness. And it was all her fault. At least, that was obviously what the other three thought!
‘You know, I can’t help thinking that Nicki might have a point,’ Stella commented as Alice drove out of the car park. ‘I mean, Maggie has never been maternal. And if she is doing this because of Oliver…’
‘She might never have said that she wanted children, Stella, but she was always terrific with ours. The twins in particular adored her. They thought she was so much fun.’
‘Fun, yes. Maggie has always been that,’ Stella agreed. Suddenly wanting to make amends to Alice for her earlier refusal to reassure and support her, she added reminiscently, ‘Remember our pop group—that was Maggie’s idea. A ground breaking all-girl band, even if we never made it beyond a couple of gigs at the local youth club. That was when you met Stuart, wasn’t it?’
‘Don’t remind me.’ Alice groaned. ‘Those outfits…and that make-up! The music lessons our parents paid for, delighted by our desire to learn an old-fashioned accomplishment!’
‘I know. My poor father’s face when he walked into the garage and found us practising with our electric guitars.’
As they both started to laugh Stella’s austere expression softened. ‘Those were good times…’ she had to acknowledge.
‘Mmm. We thought we were so wild and cool, and in reality compared with today’s youngsters, we were very naïve.’
‘We thought you were sophisticated when you and Stuart started going steady! How does he feel about you doing this Open University course? I know he spends a lot of time away…’
‘I haven’t told him about it yet,’ Alice confessed, starting to relax. This was better, more the kind of reaction she had expected, and Stella could always be relied on for her calm, practical advice. ‘You know how he’s always been, Stella,’ she said tentatively. ‘He’s a wonderful man, kind, generous, loving…’
‘But?’ Stella invited, recognising her cue. And her role?
Were things perhaps not as good in Alice’s marriage as they all assumed, Stella speculated inwardly. Certainly Stuart never made any secret of the fact that he had a high sex drive, and she had sometimes wondered if Alice ever tired of keeping up with a man who was so sexually demanding. Initially in a relationship no doubt having that kind of intensity focused on you was exciting and ego-boosting, but after thirty years of marriage?
‘But…But nothing.’ Alice shook her head.
It wasn’t fair to criticise Stuart behind his back, even to her closest friends. After all, what if she did sometimes find him over-controlling? And then patronising her because she was so dependent on him…Compared to the appalling life Nicki had had to suffer with Carl, though, she had nothing whatsoever to complain about.
‘Do you know,’ she told Stella, changing the subject, ‘I think that’s the first time Maggie has ever mentioned the way Carl abused Nicki.’
‘Well, it’s a subject none of us likes to talk about, isn’t it? I mean, we were there when they met, and when they got married, and none of us had any inkling of what he was really like. We saw Nicki every week, and yet none of us knew what he was doing to her, and we should have known.’
‘She felt too ashamed to tell us. Her self-esteem was so low she had begun to believe Carl when he told her that she was the one who made him hit her. It was Maggie who found out in the end, and who made her leave Carl, helped her.’
They were outside Stella’s house. Alice stopped the car.
‘What do you think we should do about Maggie and Nicki?’ she asked Stella hesitantly.
Stella’s reply was prompt and unequivocal.
‘Nothing! Except keep our fingers crossed and hope things sort themselves out.’
‘Do you honestly think that they will?’
As she opened the door of the car Stella turned to look at Alice. ‘I don’t know,’ she admitted, pulling the collar of her coat up around her neck against the chill of the sharp wind. Spring might only be several weeks away, but that didn’t alter the fact that right now they were still in winter.
Being optimistic too soon and with too little cause was never a good idea, even if someone like Maggie could never be brought to accept that fact!
4
‘Is Hughie back yet?’ Stella asked Richard, slipping off her coat and going to fill the kettle.
‘I heard him come in a few minutes ago. He went straight upstairs,’ Richard told her. ‘Pleasant evening?’
‘No!’
Putting down his paper, Richard looked at his wife. She had been a slightly bolshy, outspoken junior probation officer when he had first met her—they had both belonged to the same ramblers group—and he had courted her steadily for two years before asking her to marry him. His widowed mother had initially been slightly hostile towards her, but that hostility had melted when Stella had produced Hughie.
‘So what happened?’ he asked curiously.
Handing him the cup of tea she had just made him, Stella sighed. ‘Maggie announced that she’s pregnant!’
‘At her age!’ Richard looked appalled. Much as he loved Hughie he had never been a ‘hands on’ type of father, Stella reflected ruefully. Night-time feeds and nappy changing had all been left to her. Not that she had minded. If she was honest, the love she had felt for her son as a baby had been far more intense and passionate than the calm, relaxed emotion she felt for Richard. Which did not mean, of course, that she didn’t love him. She did.
‘I certainly wouldn’t want to be in that position,’ Richard told her.
‘Well, we aren’t likely to be, are we?’ Stella replied wryly.
She knew it was unfair of her to remind him of the growing infrequency of their sex life. He was after all fifty-seven, they had been married for twenty-seven years, and sex had never been high on their list of shared priorities anyway. And at her age…
But she and Maggie were the same age, she couldn’t help inwardly reminding herself. And the idea of Maggie deciding she was too old to merit a good sex life was as preposterous as…as Maggie’s pregnancy? And it wasn’t just Maggie, was it? There was Alice with Stuart, and Nicki with Kit. No, none of her friends lived a life where sex was reduced to a rare occurrence, that sometimes actually bypassed even ‘high days and holidays’. Only she was expected to be non-sexual and like it!
Her frown gave way to a smile as the door opened and Hughie came into the room.
She and Richard were both tall, but Hughie was over six feet three, his body well muscled from the rugby he played. To her, though, Stella acknowledged, there was still something that was almost little-boyish about his face at times.
‘Mum, have you and Dad got a minute?’ he asked.
He was nervous, Stella could see that. Automatically her stomach tightened. This was something Maggie was going to have to get used to, this never-ending, relentless awareness of the vulnerability of one’s child, coupled with the frightening realisation of how little one could do to protect them and keep them totally safe.
‘Of course. Do you want a cup of tea? I’ve just made some,’ she offered.
‘No. No…Look…there just isn’t any easy way to tell you this…I know you’re going to be…Julie is pregnant and the baby is mine.’
Somehow or other, Stella discovered that she was sitting down, whilst Richard in contrast was now standing up, his shock showing in his eyes as he stormed furiously, ‘What were you saying about him being intelligent? My God! How the hell much intelligence does it take to use a bloody condom?’