Now or Never

by Penny Jordan

As Stella hesitated, waiting for their response, Alice looked at Maggie and then took a deep breath.

  ‘I sat down on the day after my fiftieth birthday and hated the three of you so much. I hated being the baby, being, as I saw it, patronised by everyone. You all had your clear-cut identities, but I was just Stuart’s wife, the children’s mother. I had nothing of my own.’

  She stopped and Maggie realised that both she and Stella were looking at her.

  ‘I couldn’t bear it that I didn’t have a child,’ Maggie admitted huskily. ‘I thought that I was over that…I had my business, I had Oliver…but I so much envied the three of you the miracle of motherhood. And I felt so much less of a woman because I hadn’t experienced it. I ached inside for the child I had never had, so badly…It was a physical pain, an emotional agony. And I felt too belittled by it to tell any of you. I didn’t think you would understand…You all had children, after all.’

  Silently they shared one another’s confusion and pain.

  It was left to Alice to find a balm to put on their mutual wound.

  ‘Sometimes,’ she said shakily, ‘in order to grow, we all have to break out of our own comfort zone.’

  When Maggie and Stella looked at her, she shook her head and offered wryly, ‘I read it in a magazine.’

  To anyone else, the sight of three mature women standing in the hospital reception area, laughing until tears ran down their faces, might have seemed out of place. But to the three of them, their shared laughter was the most healing medicine there could be.

  When Alice had collected herself enough to announce that she had to go, Stella waited until she had left before touching Maggie lightly on her arm and telling her gruffly, ‘Maggie, that evening when you saw me in the car park…’

  Immediately Maggie stopped her, shaking her head as she said firmly, ‘Stella, I know that whatever had happened it couldn’t possibly damage your integrity, or my friendship and love for you.’

  ‘Oliver’s here,’ Stella told her, when she had regained her composure. ‘And I must go too, Rich will be worrying.’

  It was only as she walked towards Oliver that Maggie realised that she had not told Alice and Stella about the letters. But then, they didn’t matter any more, she recognised. Nicki had been sick, suffering when she had sent them, and as such she must look at them as cries for help. And that was exactly what she intended to do!

  21

  Morosely, Zoë stared at the empty glass in front of her. She was alone in the house, having discharged herself from the hospital and got a taxi driver to bring her back home.

  She frowned as she heard the front door open and then slam, turning round awkwardly in her chair as Ian strode angrily into the kitchen.

  ‘So there you bloody are,’ he gritted. ‘They told me at the hospital that you’d left.’

  Zoë could feel the familiar mixture of excitement and fear plunging her stomach like a lift crazily out of control.

  ‘Who told you? Or can I guess? My cow of an interfering mother, I suppose.’

  ‘Actually it was your pathetic “it’s not my fault” father,’ Ian told her. ‘Your mother is worth a dozen of him.’

  ‘Don’t you speak about my father like that,’ Zoë protested. ‘Ian? Where are you going?’ she demanded as he turned on his heel.

  ‘I’m going upstairs to pack the kids’ stuff and then I’m going to your mother’s to collect them. I’m leaving you, Zoë, and I’m taking my kids with me.’

  Zoë stared at him, too shocked to speak.

  ‘You can’t do that!’ she protested, her whole body shaking. ‘They’re mine! You can’t! Ian!’

  She levered herself out of her chair, swaying unsteadily as she made her way towards him. As she reached him she put her hand on his arm but he pushed it away and stepped back from her so that she almost fell.

  ‘Don’t touch me,’ he told her softly.

  ‘You can’t do this,’ Zoë sobbed hysterically. ‘And besides, you can’t look after them.’

  ‘I don’t need to. That’s why I pay Laura,’ he told her sardonically.

  ‘Laura! This isn’t about the boys, is it?’ Zoë hissed. ‘It’s her, Laura. You want to shag her, don’t you?’ She was screaming now, trying to claw at Ian’s face as she staggered towards him, but he evaded her with contemptuous ease.

  ‘Well, there’s no way I’m going to let you shag anyone else but me, ever…’ Zoë sobbed.

  ‘You disgust me, do you know that?’ Ian told her almost conversationally as he stood by the door. ‘There’s no way I am going to let my kids grow up like I did, with a drunk for a mother, never knowing—’

  ‘I’m not a drunk!’ Zoë screamed. ‘I am not a drunk…’

  But she was screaming into the empty silence of the kitchen as Ian took the stairs two at a time, ignoring her as he went into the boys’ rooms and pulled open drawers and cupboards.

  Zoë followed him, lurching drunkenly into the room, grabbing the door for support.

  ‘Ian, please,’ she implored him. ‘I only drink because I love you and you aren’t here and I need you…We are so good together…Come to bed with me now, and let me show you. We’ve always been so good together in bed, and you know it.’

  ‘I don’t want you, Zoë.’

  ‘Yes, you do. You always want me!’ She laughed, going up to him and sliding her hand down his body, pressing it into his groin as she took hold of him.

  ‘Get off me!’

  The force with which he pushed her away sent her reeling back against the door, to scream in furious disbelief, oblivious to the dark loathing in his eyes as he looked at her.

  ‘You drunken bitch, don’t you ever do that again,’ he told her as he went past her, ignoring her screams and sobs.

  Laura’s mobile rang just as she reached the house, and at first she thought it was her father ringing, and tensed anxiously. They had agreed that she would return to his and Nicki’s home and stay there for the time being—the hospital had warned them that, once they were well enough to be discharged, both Joey and Nicki would need looking after and Laura had said immediately that she wanted to do whatever she could to help. But then when she answered the call she heard Zoë’s drunken ramblings.

  ‘You aren’t going to take Ian away from me, you bitch,’ Zoë was screaming. ‘He’s mine!’

  Already exhausted, the last thing Laura felt like doing was dealing with Zoë, but she made herself listen, and then calmly denied all of Zoë’s hysterical accusations.

  Ten minutes later her phone rang again. This time her caller was Ian himself. Politely but firmly Laura told him that she was unable to continue working for him, briefly explaining why.

  She winced a little as she heard Ian swear.

  ‘Fine. Then I’ll just have to manage by myself, won’t I?’ he cursed her before hanging up abruptly.

  ‘Julie…’ Stella forced herself to smile as Julie walked into the kitchen. The last thing she wanted to do was to alienate Julie—she was Jack’s mother, after all, and if she was to accept Stella’s plan for Richard and herself to adopt their grandson, they would need—

  ‘Where’s Jack?’ she asked her anxiously, realising that her grandson was missing. Nicki’s suicide attempt had left her feeling shocked and off balance and somehow lacking in her normal self-confidence.

  ‘I’ve left him with Mum,’ Julie answered her. ‘Her cousin’s coming round and she wanted to show him to her.’

  Proprietorially, Stella couldn’t help feeling a little put out at the thought of anyone other than herself showing off her precious grandson, but she reminded herself that as soon as the adoption went through legally Jack would be all hers.

  ‘Julie, I know you were planning to have Jack adopted,’ she began, ‘and—’

  ‘I’ve changed my mind. I’m going to keep him.’

  ‘Changed your mind?’ It actually felt as though the blood in her veins had turned to ice as she reacted to Julie’s announcement, Stella recognised distantly. Her hear
t was pounding. She felt sick with shock and disbelief, unable to function properly.

  Julie couldn’t possibly mean what she was saying…She couldn’t…Frantically Stella shook her head.

  ‘Julie, you can’t possibly mean that,’ she protested. ‘You can’t bring Jack up all by yourself. You’re still only coming up for eighteen. You’ve got your education to finish, you—’

  ‘I shan’t be bringing him up by myself. Mum and Dad are going to help me. In fact…’ Julie looked away from her and then looked back again, saying casually, ‘Dad’s totally besotted with him, and he and Mum are going to adopt him, and we’re all going to move to Canada. Dad’s been offered a new job there. He says it will be a fresh start for all of us. We’ve been to see the social services people and they’re all in favour.’ She stood up.

  ‘Dad wants me to move back home. I was going to tell you and Richard this evening.’

  ‘Julie, you can’t do that,’ Stella told her shakily, fighting to sound calm and in control. Her lips, her face, her whole body felt numb, and yet at the same time she felt as though she had been seized in a huge, tearing vice of intense pain. ‘Hughie is Jack’s father,’ she reminded Julie sharply. ‘And you can’t simply arrange Jack’s future without consulting him.’

  ‘I have consulted him,’ Julie told her, shocking her into silence. ‘And he’s okay about it. Anyway, it wouldn’t really matter if he wasn’t. Dad’s looked into everything and Hughie doesn’t have any legal rights where Jack is concerned.’

  ‘Julie, you can’t do this,’ Stella protested again.

  Julie gave her a stubborn look. ‘Yes, I can,’ she told Stella angrily. ‘And you can’t stop me. Just because Hughie is your son, that doesn’t give you any rights over Jack! I’m fed up with listening to you criticising everything I do—Jack is my baby, not yours! Anyway, the midwife says that most of your ideas are hopelessly out of date now, and that I shouldn’t pay any attention to you! I’m going upstairs to pack my stuff. Dad’s coming round for me in half an hour.’

  White-faced, Stella watched as Julie walked out of the kitchen. Nothing in her life had prepared her for the pain tearing relentlessly into her now. Nothing could anaesthetise her from it.

  She had to bunch up her hand and hold it pressed hard against her mouth to stop herself from giving voice to the primitive wail of grief rising in her throat.

  This could not be happening. Julie could not take Jack away from her!

  She was still sitting frozen in her chair an hour later when Richard came in. She had heard the clatter of Julie’s feet on the stairs as she’d opened the door to her father. She had heard too his footsteps approaching the kitchen and then stopping. But now they had gone and the house was empty. It felt empty too.

  Richard took one look at her face and sighed before going to fill the kettle.

  ‘Julie’s left—with Jack,’ Stella told him emptily. ‘Her parents are going to adopt him and take him to Canada.’ Suddenly she was crying. Great, tearing, heaving sobs that shook her whole body. ‘We can’t let them take him, Richard. We’ve got to stop them.’

  ‘We can’t, Stella,’ Richard told her quietly. ‘Jack is Julie’s son. We can’t.’

  ‘Rich, he’s only a baby. I can’t bear to go through the rest of my life without him…He’s our grandson, a part of us…’

  Richard sighed again as he took her in his arms. He had known that this was coming and had sensed that, when it came to it, Julie would not be able to give up her child.

  ‘Stella, I do understand, but so must you. Jack is also Julie’s parents’ grandchild—and her son. She and Hughie aren’t married. We have no legal claim on Jack, and even if we had…’ He paused, his hand hovering awkwardly over her heaving shoulders. They had never been a particularly physical couple with one another, but her grief made him ache to be able to comfort her.

  ‘It wouldn’t be fair to Jack if we tried to pull him between all of us. I know how much you love him, Stella. Try to think of that love, and of how much you can love him best by allowing him to grow up in a safe, secure atmosphere without conflict…’

  ‘I can’t bear it!’ Stella cried, her agony streaking her voice like blood from a wound. ‘I can’t bear to be without him, Rich, I just can’t.’

  Sighing, Richard held her.

  ‘You must, Stella,’ he told her. ‘There is no other way.’

  22

  ‘Well, do you like it?’ Maggie asked Oliver excitedly as she showed him the just-completed nursery. The decorators had finished three days ago, and since then the new carpet had been fitted, the curtains hung and the baby equipment and paraphernalia delivered and put in place.

  It had been a miracle that they had found the house at all, really. Maggie had been on the point of giving up when the relocation agent had rung to say she wasn’t sure whether it would suit them or not, but a small rectory had come onto the market, larger than they had asked for, older and, of course, rather more expensive.

  Maggie had been reluctant to go and see it but Oliver had persuaded her, and the minute they had turned in through the gate set in its brick garden wall Maggie had known it was the house for them.

  Fortunately, the previous owners had already done most of the heavy-duty restoration work, and they had been able to move in the moment the sale had gone through, but even prior to that Maggie had been busy organising decorators, choosing carpets and soft furnishings, nagging Oliver to go on furniture-hunting expeditions with her.

  ‘Mmm…I like the colour,’ Oliver acknowledged. ‘But the walls look a bit…bare…’

  Maggie gave him a wide smile. ‘That’s because you are going to paint a mural on them.’

  ‘I am?’

  ‘Yes! And it’s going to be the mural of our love, Oliver, for each other and for…this…’ she told him softly, patting her very obviously pregnant stomach.

  It was late September and in over two weeks’ time their baby was going to be delivered. Maggie wasn’t sure which of them was the more wildly excited, her or Oliver!

  ‘Mmm…I don’t suppose you wanting me to paint this mural has anything to do with the fact that I’m due to see our most glamorous client today, has it?’ Oliver teased Maggie as he drew her closer and kissed the tip of her nose.

  ‘Certainly not,’ she denied. ‘Although, if you did decide not to go and stayed at home instead, it just so happens…’

  ‘I can’t, Maggie,’ Oliver told her firmly. ‘Look, you have a formidable reputation for being totally dedicated and professional, and it’s got to be the same for me. Besides, I want to clear my desk so that I can have plenty of time off once our baby arrives.’

  Kissing her a second time, a good deal more thoroughly and lingeringly, he finally released her, telling her, ‘See you later. And remember, no overdoing things!’

  ‘Don’t worry, I shan’t be,’ Maggie assured him. ‘I’m going to see Nicki later. It’s so wonderful how much progress she’s made! Laura was saying that the doctor is really pleased with the way she’s responding to the treatment. She was so much more like the old Nicki when I saw her last week. She even apologised to me for what she said about me being pregnant, and she was giggling just like she used to when we were girls. I still feel bad about not knowing about her baby, though. Laura says that it looks as though she isn’t going to be prosecuted for—for Joey. Kit has been made his official guardian, and Nicki’s specialist has confirmed that she simply wasn’t responsible for her actions because of her mental condition.’

  Oliver picked up his jacket. He had almost reached the front door when Maggie came hurrying down the stairs towards him.

  ‘What is it?’ he asked her.

  ‘Nothing, just this,’ she told him, cupping his face in her hands and kissing him with deep tenderness and love.

  ‘You really are desperate to get me to do that mural, aren’t you?’ he murmured humorously when she had finally released him. As Maggie laughed he told her, ‘I’ll make a start on it this weekend, how’s
that?’

  ‘You can’t! Not this weekend.’ Maggie shook her head. ‘It’s your birthday and I’ve got a surprise for you!’

  The surprise was a full fifty-per-cent partnership in the business. She had had all the legal documents drawn up and was planning to present them to him over a special and intimate dinner.

  ‘How are you feeling?’

  Nicki smiled lovingly at Kit as he walked into the conservatory where she had been half reading some work and half admiring the vine, which was just beginning to turn from its summer green to the full richness of its autumn glory.

  ‘Well enough to talk,’ she told him, her smile deepening as he sat down beside her, taking hold of her hand as he did so. ‘Maggie’s coming round later.’

  ‘Uh-huh, does that mean you want me to make myself scarce?’

  Nicki laughed. ‘As if! But we will be talking baby talk. Maggie says that she’s terrified the baby will take one look at her and demand to go back! Oh, Kit, I am so very lucky,’ she told him, suddenly serious. ‘After what I did, I don’t deserve to feel so…so loved and so cherished, so valued by you and…’

  ‘Nicki, you do deserve it,’ Kit told her firmly, moving closer to her. ‘I should have realised that you weren’t well, and, instead of behaving like a pigheaded, sulky child, I should have given you far more support and understanding.’

  ‘Well, at least what happened has shown me how much you do love me,’ Nicki whispered. ‘And I did wonder…question…more than I sometimes wanted to admit to myself. I mean, we had agreed that it was better that we went our separate ways, and then there was that time, when you thought that there was a risk that I might be pregnant and so we got married, and it’s always haunted me that it wasn’t what you wanted. And then we had Joey, and money was tight…’

  Kit lifted her hand to his lips and kissed it before telling her emotionally, ‘First I was never wanting for us to go our separate ways! And second, when we made love that time and you told me that you were so convinced that things were over between us that you had stopped taking the pill, I was more than happy to seize the opportunity to do the manly thing and insist that we get married. And when we had Joey, I felt madly jealous because you seemed to love him more than you did me!’