Waiting for Her

by Jennifer Van Wyk

  Sounds like Grady must have explained our past to Drew.

  “Squirt, wanna come here and see me? I can introduce you to Rocky, okay?” he points to his dog who’s sitting by his feet, tail wagging.

  She bounces down from where she was standing on the railing around the deck, grabs hold of my hand and tugs me along.

  Guess I’m going with her.

  Grady

  I’d like to thank the Academy for my performance all week long. Pretending to not know she was my neighbor was easier than I expected. Especially when I realized she was trying so hard to remain unseen.

  The first time I saw her sitting on her deck was the night after she told me about the miscarriage. She was wearing my old Liberty High School football hoodie and it made me smile, knowing she kept it all these years. I knew she had seen me already, she wasn’t nearly as invisible as she hoped. I reached for my phone to text her to see if she knew I was there but then I looked closer. She was slinking down in the seat, working very hard to not look in my direction. It seemed important to her for me not to know she lives right here so I let it go, waiting for her to tell me.

  Always waiting for her.

  Tonight, when I heard shrieking, I tensed and almost ran over. I thought she was being attacked but a quick glance over my shoulder proved she was perfectly safe.

  Drew and I watched in amusement for a few minutes as she crawled around, her dark hair in a ponytail whipping around her.

  She ducked and moved around the deck for a little bit. My phone buzzed, and I looked down not surprised in the least when I saw it was Andy wondering if I knew Bri lived across my backyard.

  Andy walked in on his ex-wife having sex with another man, hence why they’re exes. A few years ago, he sat me down and talked to me about letting go of the bitterness and reach toward some forgiveness. If anyone knows a thing or two about forgiveness and moving on, it’s Andy.

  After Bri broke up with me, rather than drifting apart, Andy and I grew closer. There are things I’ve confided in him I haven’t talked to another soul about.

  “Grady!” Hazel shouts, not giving me a moment to prepare as she launches her little body at me with the force of a linebacker.

  I lift her up and hold her close. It’s hard to explain why I feel so protective over Hazel. Or why I love her so fiercely. She’s not my sister and with me not being with Bri anymore, it’s not like I’m even a big brother by association. It’s just a natural feeling I have for her. I press my head in close, inhaling the sweet scent of Hazel’s fruity shampoo, the lavender drifting off her skin.

  “Grady?” Hazel croaks out. “You’re kind of squeezing me.”

  I chuckle and loosen my grip but don’t set her down yet.

  “You’re my favorite, Grady,” she says, arms still latched around my neck while she leans back to look at me.

  My lips twitch. “Don’t let your brothers hear you say that.”

  “Oh, they’re my favorites too. But you’re my favorite guy. They’re not guys. They’re my brothers.”

  I look to Bri who’s pressing her lips together tightly, trying not to laugh. I think Hazel is telling me she has a crush on me, but I can’t be sure.

  I chuckle and shift so she’s sitting on my arm and whistle for Rocky, who’d wandered along with us but is currently sniffing at a few bushes, excited to have new scents to pick up.

  “You haven’t had the pleasure of meeting Rockford yet, have you? I call him Rocky for short.”

  “Oh, he’s so cute! He wants to see me,” she coos, swatting at my arms. She wiggles and plops down onto the grass, Rocky wastes no time in sidling up next to her, knocking her over with his massive snout as he sniffs and licks her cheeks.

  Her adorable laugh rings through the air. I can’t tear my eyes away as it hits me like a bullet to the chest. If Bri hadn’t miscarried, our little boy or girl would be a year younger than Hazel. My skin prickles with awareness and I realize how painful that must have been for her. Just having miscarried and having a newborn baby sister around.

  Feeling alone, despite her family surrounding her.

  After she left me, told me she didn’t want to be with me anymore, broke my heart, I didn’t fight nearly as hard as I should have. My pride got in the way and instead of chasing her, I let her go.

  Our eyes meet, hers bright green and glistening. I lick my lips and stand to my full height. Glancing down at Rocky and Hazel, I see they’re happily playing together, Drew sitting on the grass next to them, legs stretched out in front of him. Christine must still be in Bri’s house.

  I jerk my head up for Bri to follow me and we walk the few steps it takes to get to my yard. Time to sort shit out as best I can. I’ve let things go for far too long. Yes, she stayed away but it’s not exactly like I made her feel as if I’d welcome her home with open arms.

  “I owe you another apology.”

  She looks taken aback. “What could you possibly have to apologize for?”

  “I didn’t chase you.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  And by the look on her face, she really doesn’t. She’s been carrying around guilt over breaking up with me, over the miscarriage, for over six years now. That’s a heavy load on her shoulders to bear.

  All this time she’s been gone, I was so angry. At her for abandoning me. But also, at myself for not working harder to get her back.

  “You shouldn’t have been alone.”

  “I wasn’t.”

  That’s not true, and I can see in her eyes she knows I know it.

  “I mean—”

  “I know what you mean, just like you know what I mean,” I interrupt her. I gather my thoughts, wanting to make sure everything that’s ricocheting inside my head comes out right. I take a seat and gesture for her to do the same. I turn my chair so I’m facing her, my elbows on my knees as I lean toward her. “My pride was wounded. I admit that. You hurt me, Bri,” I whisper, and she flinches. It might be ugly, but it’s the truth and I’ve waited six long years to let it out. “I was twenty-years-old, felt like the world was at my fingertips. It wasn’t hard for me to see people knew who I was, saw my talent on the field, the potential of where I could be heading. I was cocky, full of myself.” I pause and she shakes her head, like she’s going to argue with me, but I keep going. “I thought I had everything figured out. My future… our future.” I scoff. “But then you turned the tables. And I wasn’t only hurt. I was devastated. And yeah, I was pissed. So damn angry and it threw me off. I didn’t even know what to do with myself. I… I shouldn’t have let you go.”

  Her eyebrows furrow slightly, but she doesn’t look away.

  “I didn’t fight for us, not as hard as we deserved. I’m sorry.”

  “I wouldn’t… I was not in a place where I would have allowed you to fight. Especially after—”

  “I still should have.”

  She looks back at where Hazel is still playing with Rocky, her happy squeals and laughter still dancing in the air between us.

  “Do you accept my apology, Bri?”

  “There really isn’t anything to apologize for.”

  “You may not think so, but it’s important to me.”

  She nods and wipes away a tear, but I’m not done. And what I have to say next might not go over well.

  “I have more to say and this, I’m not going to apologize for. Here’s the thing. You had no right… No. right. to leave me,” I grit out. “To pretend in some sort of disillusionment I would ever—ever—do anything to betray you. Yes, I’m sorry I didn’t fight for us. But I shouldn’t have had to.”

  My words cause her body to jerk but she nods quickly. “You’re right. You shouldn’t have. I screwed up.”

  I wait, hoping she expands on that, but she doesn’t. I bite my bottom lip and look across my lawn, see Hazel and Drew are walking over to us with Rocky hot on their heels, his tongue hanging out of his mouth as he relishes in the attention from her.

  “I really don’t know what to ma
ke of all this. I’ve tried so damn hard this week to think of anything else but the anger inside of me. And I was doing a good job of it from the very beginning. So good, in fact, that I easily threw the past into the wind and got caught right back up in us again.”

  “I did, too,” she admits quietly.

  “But then tonight, when I was watching Hazel with Rocky, when I held her, it made me realize our baby would be almost her age by now. I haven’t had time to come to terms with it, and maybe it’s weird I’m so bothered now, all this time later, when I was never there for any of it when it happened.” I shake my head. “But then again, maybe that’s why. I don’t know, Bri. I feel like one second, I’m ready to move on, then I’m right back to angry and bitter again. I’m confusing the shit out of myself. I spent the last six years living without you. Growing up, learning that life isn’t centered around you. It wasn’t easy because I didn’t want that. I was perfectly happy with you being the center of my world. I was bitter because you took that away from me.

  “I want to let it go. I have to. You’ve held me captive for too long, and I need you to let me go. And then I find out you hid something as huge as a baby from me. Damn it, Bri. It’s not okay. And not knowing what happened, why you blamed me for something I didn’t do… I need to understand, and yet, I’m not sure I ever will. I can’t fall back into you again. It hurt too much to lose you the first time. Not just as my girlfriend, but as my best friend.”

  She flinches. Seeing her hurt almost breaks me, but I also know for either of us to move on, I have to be honest with her and she needs to hear it. I don’t know what turned in me tonight. A few hours ago, I was sitting on the field looking at her, thinking of kissing her again… and a hell of a lot more. But then tonight, being reminded of something she kept from me, and worse yet, realizing all that’s happened over the last six years she hasn’t been a part of, well, I’m done. “I went through some of the best and worst moments of my life, and you weren’t there. It was always supposed to be you by my side. Me by yours.”

  “If there was anything I could do to take back those years, listen to my family when they tried to tell me I was making a mistake, I would.”

  “I believe you. But I think that’s part of our problem. We’re both living in the past. Don’t you think it’s time to get over it already?”

  “Some of the past I don’t want to forget.”

  I know what she means. So much of our relationship was good, great even. We were the couple people hashtag about. But unlike so much of social media, everything people saw on the outside was actually true.

  Bri and I weren’t fake. We didn’t have to be. Being together was as natural as breathing, and our love for each other showed it.

  “You’re my kryptonite, Bri Jameson. Five minutes of you being back in my life, I had my tongue shoved down your throat, and all week long, the only thing I could think about was doing it again. My biggest fear is I’ll never move on from you.”

  What I don’t say is I have doubts I will ever move on from her. She’s only been back in my life for a few days, and I still can’t imagine a future without her.

  More tears streak down her cheeks as my words settle in. As much as it kills me to see her cry, she has to hear everything. I lower my voice as I notice Hazel getting closer. Bless Drew’s heart for recognizing we still need a little bit more time, so he distracts her by continuing to play with Rocky along the way.

  She seems to brace herself before admitting, “Maybe I don’t want you to move on.”

  Her words wrap around my heart, flaring up a promise I thought was ancient history. “I won’t let you hurt me again, Bri. I can’t. It took me a long time to get over you. And it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Harder than recovering from the accident.”

  Bri looks down at her hands, twisting them together. “I meant what I said about not wanting you to move on,” she whispers. “But it’s not because I want to keep you on the hook. I know we have a long road ahead of us, but I’m willing to do whatever it takes to prove to you I’m not going anywhere.” She licks her lips, tasting her tears and it makes me irrationally jealous. I wish so badly we were in a place where I could be the one tasting her, touching my lips to hers. And that alone pisses me off. Despite everything, I still want her so desperately, I can feel it in my bones.

  I feel like I’m on one of those pendulum thriller rides that takes you up in the sky then before you know it you’re swinging to the other direction. I hate those rides. My thoughts about her going this way and that. I don’t know what to do with this whiplash I’m experiencing. The possibility of the future I once only dreamed of rises to the surface.

  “We do have a long road ahead.” I agree with a nod, my eyes never leaving hers.

  I feel the shell around my heart beginning to crack. The same shell that hardened so many years ago, protecting myself from once again getting hurt.

  I abruptly stand up, making my way over to Hazel. I bend down and pick her up, playfully snuggling my face into her neck. She giggles and squirms as my stubble tickles her soft skin.

  “I love you, baby girl. Come see me and Rocky again, yeah? I’ve missed you.”

  She leans back, takes my face in her tiny hands. Her hazel eyes are wide as she stares at me. “I’ll never be far away,” she tells me.

  How is she only six?

  “Good. Want to give Rocky a treat before you head back to your sister’s house?” I ask Hazel, dismissing Bri at the same time. I need time to think and if she stays here much longer, I’m going to end up kissing her, which doesn’t solve anything. She and I need to finally sit down and discuss what kept her from me for the past six years, and until we’re alone, that’s not going to happen.

  Hazel follows me inside and I grab a treat from the container sitting on the counter in the kitchen. She runs back outside to give Rocky her offering.

  Bri’s looking down at the table, her face pinned to my phone. I glance down when I hear my phone ping a reminder of the text I just received and her body jerks, her gaze still trained on whatever words she’s reading. I’m far enough away I can’t see what she’s seeing, and I don’t bother to call her out on being nosey. I have nothing to hide from her.

  “Bye, squirt. Don’t be a stranger, Rocky will miss you,” I say, crouching down next to Hazel to give her a hug. She launches herself at me and I pretend it knocks me over, Rocky coming over to lick the both of us.

  “I love you, Grady,” she says in the sweetest little girl voice, and my heart cracks wide open, bleeding out right onto the grass beneath me.

  I take a peek up at Bri whose face has gone slack. She clears her throat and wipes under her nose. “We’d better go, Hazel. Mommy’s gonna wonder where you are.”

  “Okay.” Hazel stands off me after smacking a kiss to my cheek. “Bye Drew! I’m glad we finally met!”

  He chuckles and gives her a low wave.

  Bri guides Hazel back to her house after a murmured good bye. I look at my phone and read the text that caused Bri to worry and scrub a hand down my face.

  Kennedy: I really want you to come…

  The ellipse following her text was suggestive enough but then, of course, she had to include a picture in the text. Of her in a barely-there outfit.

  “What’s wrong?” Drew asks me, as I stare at my phone.

  “I think Kennedy’s losing her damn mind.”

  “Why’s that?” he chuckles.

  I debate for a moment about whether or not to show him the picture and decide against it. She didn’t send it to me to show everyone. She sent it to me to… what, I don’t really know. To make me change my plans for tomorrow night? To get me thinking of her in a different way?

  What the hell is up with her?

  “I think maybe she’s under the impression that we’re shifting into more than friends territory.”

  “Well, yeah, I figured that was coming.”

  I cringe.

  “You really didn’t?” he asks me, his e
yebrows raised.

  “Um, well, not really? I guess, we tried that once. Right after we started hanging out. And, it never felt right. At least not for me. We talked, and I let her know I wasn’t interested that way.”

  “Because…”

  I glance over at Bri’s house and down at my phone.

  “Ahh. I kind of figured.”

  “Yeah. I’m an idiot.”

  “Well, I wouldn’t necessarily kick a girl who looks like Kennedy out of my bed, that’s for sure, but…”

  “But what?”

  “She’s got the eyes.”

  I smirk at the way he wiggles his fingers next to his eyes.

  “I’ll bite. Enlighten me.”

  “The crazy eyes. You know what I mean. She’s got that look about her. That she’s barely holding her level of crazy under the surface.”

  I bark out a laugh. “You’re joking.”

  “Nuh. No way. You can’t tell me you’ve never seen it?”

  “Clearly not.” I think about what he’s saying, or insinuating, and it hits me. Memories of her acting a little on the side of crazy that she laughed off and made excuses for, so I ignored.

  “Seeing it now, are ya?”

  “Shit.”

  He chuckles then gets quiet. He jerks a chin up in the direction I was just staring. “She doesn’t have the eyes.”

  “No. She doesn’t. But she’s got six years of hurting me behind her.”

  “So, you’re going to hold on to that, huh?”

  Arms crossed over his chest, he’s smug and very irritating.

  “I’m not going to just forgive and forget.”

  “Has she asked you to?”

  That brings me pause. She hasn’t. At least not for breaking up with me. But does she have to? I always thought so, because I was the one on the receiving end. Maybe she was following her heart. If that’s the case, what does she have to apologize for? Aside from not telling me she was pregnant, obviously. I don’t know what that says about this situation.

  “No, she hasn’t.”

  “Maybe there’s a reason. Maybe she’s ready to move on and quit looking back.”