“He’s gonna be okay,” Cynthia said as she walked toward me. “It sounds crazy, but this is normal.”
“I just, I can’t lose them both.”
“He’s angry and doesn’t know how to express that. He needs to be mad at something, at someone. This will pass and he’ll need you more than ever when it does. Stay strong.”
Cynthia patted my arm and walked off. I leaned my head back and let out a deep breath of air. I couldn’t fathom how we’d gotten here. So much had changed so fast and for the first time, I felt alone.
All the planning in the world didn’t seem adequate. We were damned from the beginning. Maybe we’d been lying to ourselves all along. Who were we to play God? Who were we to decide who was valuable enough to be the start of our new civilization? Maybe we were meant to die here with everyone else.
Swallowing, I tried to wash those thoughts from my head. All that mattered now was that I kept Grayson safe. Everything else was a distraction.
I made my way to the tent and peeked inside. Grayson was wrapped under a bundle of blankets and fast asleep. I fought back tears because I knew, it would be worse when he awoke. You could only escape reality for so long, I knew that better than anyone.
“Craig,” I called from the door of the plane. “I could use your help.”
He made his way outside and I held my finger to my mouth then looked back into the cabin.
“Cynthia, you think you can keep an eye on Grayson for a few? I’ve…I’ve got to take care of something else.”
She gave me a strange look at first. Then it dawned on her and she frowned and nodded. “Take your time.”
“Thanks.”
I turned and pulled Craig away from Grayson’s tent. We walked a little way into the woods and I looked back to make sure we were out of earshot.
“What’s going on?” Craig turned to me and asked.
“I need to bury Toby,” I said in a solemn tone. “Do you have anything I can dig with?”
Craig grimaced. “I’ll help you. The ground is gonna be hard though.”
“I don’t care. He deserves at least that.”
“Okay, we have some hand tools, small spades that we can use. Let me grab them and I’ll follow you.”
He made his way to the plane and vanished inside. A few minutes later he returned with a bag slung over his shoulder and two metal bars in his hands.
“I can help,” I told him and reached for the bag.
“I got it,” he replied. “Lead the way.”
I nodded and started down the trail toward the remaining part of the plane. My feet moved on auto pilot and eventually I could see the wreckage up ahead.
I paused and took a deep breath. I knew it was something I had to get over with, but my body refused to move another step. Toby was down there somewhere, he was down there alone.
“You gonna be okay?” Craig asked. “I can handle it, you can stay up here.”
“No…I need to do this. I’ll be alright.”
I huffed then started heading down to the crash site. It was colder now and the snow was quickly starting to pile up. My body ached as I climbed over the splintered wreckage and then I saw him.
“Toby,” I mumbled and crawled over the seatbacks.
The sight of him was pain, it was my heart imploding on itself and crumbling to dust. A thin layer of snow had fallen on his face and the cold made him look rigged and stiff. I brushed my hand across his cheek then pressed my forehead against his.
“I love you, I love you baby,” I whispered.
There wasn’t enough time, there weren’t enough words for us. A lifetime wouldn’t be long enough and now that was gone. I cursed the heavens, I screamed to any God that would hear me, but it was all in vain.
I held him close, but I knew it wasn’t Toby. His empty eyes gazed into mine, but my husband was no longer there. He said goodbye some time ago and now it was time for me to do the same.
I straightened up and with shaking hands, unlatched his seatbelt. His body rolled to the side and I jumped back.
“We should dig a hole first,” Craig called out.
He’d been there, silently watching me the whole time. I wondered how many husbands, how many fathers and sons Craig had buried. How many men had returned home because of him and how many had faded into memory by his hand.
“Okay,” I replied.
He offered me a shovel and I grabbed it. Then started looking around for level ground. The plane wreckage took up a large part of the area and what wasn’t covered by debris was mainly hardened rock.
“We can head toward the forest,” Craig said after watching me scan back and forth. “But we need to hurry, it’s getting dark. I don’t want to be out here in the dark.”
It felt odd hearing him say that. I knew Craig’s unit had been to some pretty rough places. Now a night in the woods had him worried.
We walked into the forest and started stabbing into the frozen ground with the small shovels. It was arduous work, but needed. It was my last gift to Toby, a final goodbye to the man that had been my life.
We worked in silence. The only noise was the sound of our blades as they penetrated the firm soil. Sweat rolled down my arms and fell into the hole with every thrust. I poured every ounce of myself into the work. Because when it was all said and done I knew, I belonged in that grave, not Toby.
“I think this is deep enough,” Craig said and stabbed his blade into the ground beside the hole.
I gazed into the pit and sighed. It was plenty deep, but I wanted to keep digging. Every minute we dug, was a minute I didn’t have to put Toby’s body in there.
“Just a little more,” I replied.
Craig nodded. I knew he wanted to finish, but he let me have my time. I couldn’t put into words how appreciative I was for that.
I looked up at the dreary sky and sucked in a lungful of the cold, crisp air. Bits of snow flittered down onto my face as the light wind pushed it sideways. My breath turned to mist in front of me and I tightened the grip on my shovel and turned back to the work.
We dug for another half hour, until the hole was deep enough to stand up in. The sun was almost gone and my skin felt like I’d been lying on ice. I’d procrastinated long enough.
“Help me get him, please?” I asked.
“Stay here. I’ll do this part,” he replied.
Craig headed off to retrieve Toby’s body. I knelt beside the grave and tried to keep myself from crying. It was unimaginable how much it hurt. I missed him so badly and burying him, while necessary, was like saying goodbye forever.
“God, please give me the strength to finish this,” I prayed.
Staring into the grave we’d dug, I let the tears fall from my eyes. My life, my future played in my head like an aged, decaying film. Growing old, with Toby by my side. Walking into forever, hand in hand. It was a dream I’d never realize, a promise that would never be kept.
I hurt, but I hurt even more for Grayson. There was so much of his father he’d never get to meet. So many memories stolen, so much happiness wiped from the sky in a blink. He’d only known him as a boy and I wished to God, Toby could’ve been around to watch him grow into a man.
Life was torture, but I’d known beauty, I’d known joy, if even for a little while. I could look back on a lifetime of memories with Toby. But when Grayson would think of his father, all he would know is pain. All he’d feel is the hole that I knew my love could never fill. That was my deepest fear, that his father’s memory would be replaced with despair.
I didn’t know what tomorrow brought, but that day, that day brought the most gut-wrenching pain I’d ever known. Fate had taken my soulmate and I would never be complete again. I would never look into the sunset and see tomorrow, I’d see the eyes of my dead husband.
Craig returned with Toby’s body slung over his shoulder. Wiping my face, I stood up and swallowed my pain. He helped me lower him into the ground then nodded and turned to walk off.
“I’ll give you so
me space,” he said.
I turned back to Toby and looked down at him with drowning eyes. Saying goodbye to him would be the hardest thing I’d ever do.
“Toby,” I whispered. “This isn’t how we planned it.”
More tears fell from my eyes and I felt a swell of anger flare up inside of me. This was unnatural, it felt wrong.
“It wasn’t supposed to end like this,” I groaned. “You promised me, you promised me you wouldn’t leave me here.”
I took a deep breath and buried my face into my hands. I felt hollow and alone and every quivering breath pulled me deeper into the darkness.
“How am I supposed to do this?”
I fell to my knees and grabbed a handful of dirt. I squeezed my fingers until they cracked, until the soil felt like rocks in my palm.
Leaning my head back, I roared into the sky, my voice breaking with the pain of a splintered heart. I wailed louder and louder, my body trembling in rage and sorrow. I cried out for all the days, all the nights to come, where I could only see Toby in my mind. It wasn’t fair.
I shouted my anger to the heavens. I bellowed my agony until my throat ached and I had no air left inside of me. I cried until I couldn’t cry anymore, until I was completely empty.
Exhausted, I stood up and let the dirt fall from my hands. It landed on top of him just as the sun melted into the horizon. I lifted my head and smiled, not out of happiness, but something else.
Toby was at peace. He had no more battles to fight. But as the sun went down on his life, I knew my fight was just beginning.
I stared at my dirt-covered fingers, the product of my lowest moment. Sniffling, I pulled off my wedding band and set it in my palm. It was a piece of both of us, something that would always remind me of him. A symbol of the love that would never die.
I wanted so much to lay beside him and rest for eternity. But I knew I couldn’t. Grayson needed me, Grayson needed me more than I needed to be with Toby. So, I turned my hand over and let the ring fall into the hole beside him.
“Goodbye my love,” I whispered.
CHAPTER 21
THE GREAT ICE WALL
When I returned to the tent, Grayson was still sleeping. I wrapped him under another blanket then crawled beside him and closed my eyes. It didn’t take long for me to fall asleep.
The night felt long. I dreamed more than I ever had before. I dreamed about what was still in front of me. About the mountain that was still left to climb. I dreamed about keeping Grayson safe, and I dreamed about Toby.
He came to me while I slept. Walked right into the tent like he knew I’d be waiting, and I was. I stood up and smiled then lowered my head as my heart throbbed with pain.
“How do I start a new life without you?” I asked him.
I could see him so clearly in my dream, just as real as if he’d been standing next to me. His brown and gray hair was ruffled and messy. His glasses were askew and a bit of scruff covered his chin.
“Toby, how?” I repeated. “How do I make this work?”
He didn’t answer. He just stared at me with a strange look on his face. I moved toward him and reached out my hand. He mirrored my movement.
“Toby, answer me.”
As my fingers neared his, he suddenly stepped back. I moved closer and he started to fade away, I could see through him, clear to the other side of the tent.
“Toby!” I shouted. “Toby don’t go!”
A tear rolled down his cheek and I ran toward him. I dove out and grasped the air as the image of him vanished like fog in the morning sun.
“Toby! Toby please don’t go!” I begged.
“MJ!” someone shouted and it cut through the clutter in my head.
I opened my eyes and swallowed. I was covered in sweat. The blanket was tangled all around me and Cynthia was standing at the entrance to the tent with a blank look on her face.
“Nightmares?” she asked.
I jumped to my feet and spun around the room. “Where’s Grayson!” I snapped in a panic.
“Don’t worry. He woke up early. He’s with Craig, they made a fire.”
I shivered then let out a long yawn. “It’s cold.”
“We’re leaving soon,” Cynthia replied. “When you’re ready, everyone is outside.”
She turned around and left the tent. I rubbed my eyes then zipped my jacket up and followed her. As I stepped outside I gasped.
The ground was covered in snow, at least half a foot of it. White powder frosted the forest like a Christmas tree and the air was so clear I had to rub my eyes to make sure I wasn’t still dreaming.
Off to the side of the wreckage, there was a small fire burning. Craig was cooking over it with Grayson at his side. Abraham was sitting behind them with his leg propped up on a tree stump.
“You sleep okay?” Craig asked.
Grayson looked up at me then turned the other way. I made a motion toward him, but stopped and took a deep breath.
“Um…yeah, yeah it was fine.”
Craig smiled. “We should be able to make it to the site in a few hours. We need to move son though, snow is gonna get worse.”
“Okay, you need me to do anything?”
“Just be ready to move. I’ll have something to eat here in a minute. Grayson helped me catch a rabbit. Much better than that MRE shit.”
I gave him an odd look and he smiled.
“Abraham ate whatever was left on the plane last night,” he explained.
“Not my fault I’m the only one here with a man’s appetite,” Abraham barked.
I grinned then rubbed my hands together and wondered if I could find gloves in the luggage. After a few moments of awkward silence, I turned and started to walk away.
“Well, I’m gonna get ready to go,” I said. “Good morning Grayson.”
He glanced at me then mumbled, “Good morning.”
I counted that as a victory and rather than push my luck, I left him alone. I walked into the plane where Chris and Henry were inside, rummaging through the few bags that hadn’t been lost in the crash.
They were both NCO’s. I’d seen them around with Secretary Garner before, but I wasn’t sure what they did exactly. But back at the hangar they fought their asses off to keep us alive, so as far as I was concerned they were stand up guys.
Chris was a stocky man with short buzzed hair and pale skin. He looked more the local hotdog eating champion than a soldier. His broad shoulders and flat head reminded me of a bulldozer, but when bullets weren’t flying he spent his time reading a poetry book of all things.
Henry on the other hand looked the part of an elite operator. He was a light-skinned black guy that was probably in his early thirties and moved like he was nineteen. He was lean and tall and looked like the type of guy that spent his free time cleaning his rifle.
They both looked up as I walked in and frowned. It was a reaction that was getting more normal.
“We’re um, we’re sorry for your loss,” Chris muttered.
Military guys were never the best with condolences. It wasn’t that they didn’t care, but they processed loss differently than most. When you lost people that you loved on a regular basis you had to find a way to cope or it would ruin you. Most just kept moving, it was better to be busy than to dwell on things you couldn’t change.
I forced a smile on my face. “Thanks,” I replied. “You guys find any gloves?”
“Henry, what did you do with that pair?”
“Over there,” he said and pointed to a bag at Chris’s feet.
Chris opened the bag and pulled out a pair of pink ski gloves. He held them up then offered them to me.
“Sorry, they’re the only ones we found.” Henry said.
“Thanks.”
I headed back to the tent and rolled up all the blankets. By the time I was done, Craig had finished his rabbit soup, which tasted like someone had mixed dirty water and salt in a pot that had been used to make chicken soup a week earlier. I questioned whether it was better tha
n the MRE’s, but I smiled and ate it all.
Afterwards we packed up the bags in silence and headed out. By my guess it was somewhere around nine in the morning and we hoped to make it to the site in Dubois by noon. It was slow going, Chris and Henry had to help Abraham with each step and I spent my time trying to get Grayson to acknowledge my presence. We moved in a long snaking line, cutting a trail of footprints in the snow.
“You want me to carry that for you?” I asked and held my hand out.
Grayson had one of the large rucksacks slung over his shoulder. He didn’t look like he needed help, but I asked him anyway.
“I’ve got it mom,” he replied.
I smiled and kept walking beside him. I knew our journey to healing would be a long one, I just wanted to make sure I was there for Grayson the entire time. I wanted him to know that no matter what, I wasn’t leaving him.
The snow seemed to get deeper and deeper with every step. When we first started I could still see the hardened earth beneath it, but now there was nothing, but thick white powder in every direction. It was a beautiful scene, but made walking a tedious effort.
The temperature worried me more than the snow however. We weren’t supposed to be outside hiking, or camping, or even sightseeing. We hadn’t planned for any of this and the thin jackets we wore were just enough to keep us from freezing for the time being. But the sky was gray and the clouds blocked out the sun, and as the air grew colder I wondered if we were walking to our deaths.
The trek was almost entirely uphill. I zoned out as we trudged through the snow, allowing my mind to wander or simply think about nothing. The changing landscape melted by, in one long, never-ending stream. We slipped through narrow passages and over snow-covered cliffs like we were on a National Geographic expedition. Shallow caves and unearthed trees seemed to be everywhere I looked.
In another instance, it would’ve been a great trip to take. In another instance, I could’ve soaked in the scenery and added to the collection of family memories in my head. In another instance, I could’ve been with Toby.
“I saw Tim back there,” Craig suddenly barked out of nowhere.
I jumped and whirled around. In my daydreaming, I’d walked ahead of the pack and found myself alone up front. Craig had caught up and was now shuffling alone beside me like a silent assassin.
Flight Plan: Deconstruction Book Three (A Post-Apocalyptic Thriller) Page 15