Confessions of a Demon

by S. L. Wright

  Pique’s face was smashed into the grass as he muttered, “Do something already or let me go.”

  My eyes opened wide. I’d never heard Pique speak before. I wasn’t sure he could. But he must taunt people since he liked to provoke them.

  “Who’s your progenitor?” I demanded, curious why nobody had claimed him.

  The silence stretched so long that I thought he wouldn’t answer, even with Ram exerting pressure on his arm.

  “Don’t do that—,” I started to protest.

  But Pique blurted out, “Lash!”

  “Lash?” I stared between him and Ram. “But Dread said Lash gave her offspring to Crave. That was her old ritual with him. The thought of it drove him crazy.”

  “Maybe Pique got away before Crave could take him. What happened?” Ram demanded, giving Pique a shake. “Tell us what happened.”

  But Pique refused to speak again. Now I understood why he was formed this way; he was born of Lash’s twisted relationship with Crave. I wondered who started that rumor that Lash gave Crave her offspring? She must have consumed Crave’s offspring in order to replenish herself, but the circle had been broken there.

  It felt as if I had Pique’s life in a nutshell. It hadn’t been much of one so far.

  Ram dug his knee in Pique’s back to keep him from struggling. “Face it, Allay. Pique is dead. I’m not letting him go even if you walk away. He’s been hurting a lot of people, killing them from the inside out. And you need his essence. You have to take him, Allay.”

  I felt a cold, hard certainty growing inside of me. Something was saying, “Do it! Do it!”

  It was that dying core in my belly, the demon heart of me, speaking louder than any of my human qualms. I had died when I was shot by Mackleby’s henchmen; then I came back to life. No human could do that.

  I was a demon.

  If being a demon meant killing another demon every two hundred years, then that was what I had to do. I expected my decision to feel like rotten maggots and worms turning in my underbelly, but instead a sparkling clarity filled my mind. I could survive.

  I was going to kill Pique. I was glad it was this honest, this unequivocal. No justifications. I was going to take his essence and use it to save myself.

  It was time for Pique to die.

  I knelt down next to his head and looked up at Ram. “He’s shielded.”

  Ram’s expression didn’t change. “Brace yourself.” He dropped his shields, letting loose the aggressive thrumming of his signature to echo around us. It was a hundred times stronger than Mystify’s pale imitation. Despite his recent fissioning, Ram had a depth of energy reserves that was stunning.

  I sat back on my heels. It nearly took my breath away, he was so powerful. Now with his shields down I could see the finer gradations of his emotions—concern for me, relief that I agreed, confusion over his own strong feelings, and a hard, watchful edge that was never blunted.

  Concentrating hard, Ram forced a spike of his own aura into Pique, a cone of deep midnight blue spearing straight toward his core.

  I was glad to see it was the color of regret. There was a certain respect in that.

  Pique squirmed under Ram’s hold as the spike penetrated. I realized it wasn’t really hurting him, but it disrupted his flow. His energy rippled in and out now instead of swelling like a balloon around him.

  “Touch him,” Ram urged, his teeth gritted to hold his own energy deep inside of Pique.

  I reached out and grasped the back of Pique’s greasy neck. He flinched under my hand. His shields were nonexistent, as if he couldn’t hold himself together coherently with Ram interfering in his energy flow.

  “Do it quickly, Allay.”

  I tugged on Pique’s outrage and his blossoming fear at finding he was stripped of his defenses. His emotions flooded into me, with no restraints on his side because of Ram’s spike. I absorbed his power as quickly as I could, as if I were taking huge gulps of him.…

  The ultimate selfish act, killing to save myself. I never thought I’d do it.

  Pique spat in fury, “You’re no better than I am!”

  “Shut up,” Ram muttered, wrenching his arms higher.

  Pique cried out in pain.

  “Don’t, Ram,” I begged, my pace slackening. How could this be right?

  “Mine! All mine!” Pique sputtered. “You sucking scum! Let go of me… I’ll show you all!”

  Ram looked worried, but oddly enough, Pique’s outburst made me feel calmer. Pique was a ruthless predator, and I was going to transform him into renewed life for me. The bile and fury that spewed from him choked me, but I couldn’t stop. I had denied my need for too long, and it took over relentlessly.

  Swelling uncomfortably, I pressed on. His neck began to soften sickeningly under my fingers, his head slumping; I kept absorbing his energy. Ram had to adjust his hold as Pique quickly shrank. His back suddenly caved in as the skin on his arms shriveled.

  Ram let go of him and rolled away, leaving only me touching him.

  Pique was screaming now, his voice high-pitched from his shrinking chest. It was the worst sound I had ever heard. It cut directly to my heart. I would never be able to get it out of my mind.

  Abruptly I saw the flame of life deep within him. There was no energy left to surround and protect his core. His essence pulsed with fractured colors, calling to me, perfect and blameless.

  My entire being responded. I needed life, so I took it, drawing it into myself.

  His essence shone with hope and time, the most beautiful thing I had ever felt. I took it inside of me, and it welcomed me home as the life force suffused me, filling me with an ecstatic rush.

  I fell back from the impact as the heat and flame swelled inside of me. All I could see was a blinding white brightness. But as the darkness returned, I saw a ghostly shadow turning next to Ram. He pulled away as the shape rose higher as it curled into itself.

  With a popping sound that hurt my ears, Pique disappeared in a burst of smoke. The oily stench made me gag, but I was so bursting full of energy that I couldn’t. It was taking all of my concentration to hold on to everything.

  Every emotion I had ever felt was screaming inside of me, as if the world were spinning out of control.

  23

  I rolled away from where Pique had lain. The awful rancid smell of his death clung to everything it touched; but the fresh wind blowing upriver helped carry away the last remnants of the smoke.

  I was lying on my back on the grass, looking up. The clouds were hanging low overhead, shining rosy with light that reflected from the buildings. The trees in the park concealed us from the hundreds of lit windows in the project towers of the Wild, while the lights on the other side of the river were even farther away. We were isolated in the midst of the city.

  I slowly realized that Ram’s shields were back up and his signature had disappeared. It felt as if I were alone on the edge of the river.

  My arms wrapped around my stomach.

  “Are you okay?” Ram asked, coming closer.

  “No… I feel… awful.”

  Ram touched my arm. “You’re pulsing! You’re going to fission, Allay.”

  “What?” My head came up sharply. “How? I didn’t take that much, did I?”

  “Enough for a hybrid.” He stroked my arm. “You’re on the path, but not barreling down it as I was with Mystify. My guess is, it’ll happen in a few hours.”

  I was appalled. That was the last thing I wanted. “Can’t I stop it? Bleed off energy somehow?”

  Ram shook his head. “It’s too late. Don’t worry, I’ll help you through it.”

  I moaned, dropping my head back to the grass. “I can’t birth a demon. It’ll be vile, like Pique. All those awful emotions he fed me… the demon will embody what he last felt, won’t it? I feel sick.…”

  Ram hesitated, then reached out and trailed his finger down the back of my hand. I saw the longing in his gaze.

  He took my hand, twining his fingers in mine
. For once he felt cool, while I burned hot.

  I sighed as I absorbed his sweet relief that I had consumed Pique. He was glowing like the sun, he was so happy. There was no regret in him now, not a drop. It bothered me, but he was being honest.

  It was hard touching Ram like this, knowing that he was a demon. Knowing that “Theo Ram,” the guy I’d started to fall for, was a phantom.

  He felt my reluctance to touch him, but he murmured, “Take it. For your offspring, Allay. For the sake of humanity. Don’t let Pique sire another fiend.”

  I shuddered, feeling as if everything had gone dreadfully wrong. Now I was hurtling down the precipice without anything to break my fall.

  Ram’s hand was an anchor.

  But I couldn’t trust him. How could I?

  “Relax,” he urged. “Don’t fight it. Don’t fight me.”

  Despite the swirling of my head, I moaned, “Oh God! You make it sound like I’m the drunk girl at a frat party.”

  His guilt seeped through. “I’m sorry I took advantage of you. Truly, I am. But I didn’t have to make love to you that first night. You had already brought me into your home. I kissed you because I wanted to. And then…”

  “Then I threw myself at you.” I didn’t want to ask, but I had to. “Why didn’t you make a move on me the other night in the loft?”

  “I felt terrible for deceiving you. I’ve never felt bad about that before. But with you… I couldn’t push myself on you. I was determined to take only what you gave me and not a single bit more. I saw how you do that with the people you care about.”

  We must have both been thinking of how he went down on me, how I writhed under him. A burst of lust shot through him, curling and stretching, growing like a living vine spreading through his body.

  I felt it, and almost let go. But I was tingling, too, thinking of how he had licked and kissed me to ecstasy. Nothing had ever felt so good.…

  My lips parted in surprise. My response was instant. I accepted his burgeoning lust, staining his aura the deepest green of passion, as mine also began to turn verdant.

  He leaned over me, cupping my cheek with his hand. I closed my eyes briefly as he softly stroked me, then traced my lips with his fingertip.

  We stared into each other’s eyes for a long time, our faces close together. Everything else whirled around me, the river rushing by glinting silver and black, the pink sky and the wind in the trees, the crushed grass beneath me.…

  Only he was solid, real. Everything else had been reduced to pure energy, the chaos beyond.

  I would have been terrified without him there. How could he fake the feelings I sensed in him? He was so tender and caring. He wanted me with a devouring need. It consumed him, but he held back, unwilling to take advantage of me while I was so disoriented. He was restraining himself by force of will.

  Maybe he really did care about me.

  I pulled his face down closer so I could kiss him. I pressed my lips to his cheek, then the corner of his lips, then full on his mouth. Ram returned my kiss, as if savoring my taste.

  Through our lips, I could delve even deeper into his feelings; his fierce desire for me, his need to hold me, his giddy relief that I would live. I glutted myself in him, kissing without restraint and wallowing in his tremendous power. My own emotions flooded out—my fear and confusion, my need to ground myself in something, anything… the burgeoning pain from the pressure of too much energy swelling inside of me. It swirled back and forth in a dizzying loop until I didn’t know where he ended and I began.

  Ram pulled me against him, his hand tightening on the neck of my T-shirt. He clearly wanted to rip it off, to get rid of everything that separated us. But then his glance caught my dazed eyes, and he stopped cold.

  My fingers tightened on him as he pulled away. “What’s wrong, Ram?”

  “I should get you home where you’ll be safe.”

  “Is someone coming?” I asked.

  “Not yet. But with my shields up, I can feel only what’s in the immediate area.”

  “Drop your shields, Ram. I need to feel you with me. It’s so confusing… not knowing what’s real and what isn’t.” I knew it didn’t make sense, but that was what I felt. The sensations were completely alien, the demon side of me I had denied for so long.

  He held me close and buried his face in my neck, dropping his shields.

  When his shields fell, I knew it was the right thing to do. Despite my bewilderment and the spiraling chaos that Pique had filled me with, Ram’s driving signature gave focus to the movement inside me. My buoyancy gave him relief.

  “Ah… much better.” I sighed.

  “It is.” He was trembling, feeling exposed from letting down his shields. He had lived hidden for too long.

  But a golden joy coursed through him at my acceptance. I latched on to him eagerly; it was much better than the pain and confusion I was feeling. I’d rather feel what he felt. I wanted him to carry me along. “Yes, let yourself go,” I murmured. “Oh, this feels better.”

  His hands tightened on me as he kissed my neck up to my jaw and cheek. “I’ll rip this shirt off you if I do.”

  “Yes, skin,” I agreed. Skin-to-skin touch would help ground me.

  With Ram’s help, I managed to snake my shirt up over my head. He kissed me, sliding it slowly off my face. Then he pulled off his own shirt. He hugged me close to him, rolling back in the grass. My bare breasts pressed against his chest as the breeze off the river sent shivers across my skin.

  It all narrowed to this—where we touched, where my fingers dug into his hard arms, where our energy flowed together, meshing and joining. I kissed him and rolled again, finding myself lying on the fragrant grass with Ram’s weight on top of me.

  He got our pants off with an ease that only a demon could manage. Then his hips pressed into me, rubbing against me. My head was spinning, and I didn’t know how much was lust and how much was the impending birth. I didn’t care.

  Right now, all I cared about was the deep resonance between us, which was keeping me from spiraling out of my mind.

  “Are you sure?” he asked, hesitating even now.

  But I wanted all of him, now. I lifted my hips for him, letting him enter me. He slowly sank inside me, feeling every trembling muscle in my body.

  He murmured my name, his tone achingly tender.

  I strained up to him, wrapping my legs around his to lock him against me. He rocked slightly, feeling he could go no farther, filling me completely. It cut the swelling pain inside of me as I cried out in release, euphoric waves washing through me. Our energy swirled together, merging.

  Ram could hold back no longer. His hips thrust into me as I arched along with him, opening myself fully to him.

  “Allay!” he cried as he emptied into me.

  24

  The waves of bliss seemed to go on for an eternity, lost as I was in the midst of my own pleasure.

  Finally, almost painfully, Ram pulled away from me. I was burning up, panting and limp from my climax.

  “Allay, try to relax.” Ram was out of breath, but he tried to sound as reassuring as possible. “You’re going to fission now. Don’t worry, I’ll be right here with you.”

  “Now?” I cried out, my fingers clutching at the grass, staring sightlessly into the clouds.

  “You’ll be fine. Trust me, Allay.”

  I reached for him, no longer able to see. I couldn’t feel him anymore; he was shielded again. If only I could touch him, that would stop the sickening, whirling world.

  “Lie back,” Ram’s voice told me. “Don’t try to touch me now. You’ve got what you need. I don’t want to ruin it by feeding you more.”

  I couldn’t understand what he meant. The words were meaningless. A jumble. Did I trust him? I thought so. Then I remembered he had lived a lie throughout recorded history. How could a creature steeped in deception know what was the truth?

  I panted, staring up at the pink glow. It was all I had left.

  My contr
acting muscles were making me practically rigid. I shook my head back and forth on the grass, balling my hands into fists.

  Too far away, Ram urged, “Relax into it, Allay. Don’t tense up.”

  “I’m… bursting,” I managed to get out.

  “It only feels like you’re about to explode. You won’t, I promise. The more you fight it, the more painful it is. Don’t try to stop it.”

  I bit my lip, twisting in agony. How could I relax when my body was trying to tear itself apart? Shit, if I survived this, I was going to start a Lamaze class for demons. No one should go into this blind.

  “Let it out,” he murmured. He sounded closer, but not close enough to touch. “You don’t have to keep quiet. There’s nobody around.”

  My panting grew harsher. He could sense the pain building inside of me. I gave a cry as something tore within me and then again, as if my moorings were ripping loose deep in my essence.

  “That’s it; let go,” he urged.

  I screamed. “It’s killing me!”

  “I promise, you won’t die. I won’t let you, remember? I’ll take care of you, Allay.” He kept murmuring his assurances.

  There was nothing else like fissioning—no human analogy could properly describe it. The spirit tore in half. It felt as if I were losing something precious and irrevocable.

  Then there was nothing left but a howling wall of noise. It felt as if I were being diced alive, as if every atom inside of me were being split. There was no inside/outside—there were only tiny pieces of me floating loosely together.

  Gradually, I realized there were two people living in the diffuse universe inside of me. We bumped and jostled each other, unable to fit in the too-small space within my skin. Which was me—both, none?

  Then the other one lifted her arm away. Where my arm was left felt slack and empty.

  The pain intensified as she tugged on my chest and head. I could hear it tearing inside my head, echoing inside of me as the other demon separated from me.

  I curled on my side, groaning. Lying next to me was the pearly white form of a naked girl. Her short black hair went light, then dark again. Her expression mirrored my own—a round O of a mouth and dark pits for eyes.