by Wendy Louise
I pull back and rub my thumb over Grayson’s jaw, “I don’t want you to go.”
“I don’t want to go, but we both know I have to.”
I wipe my fingers under my eyes to rid myself of the tears and to make sure that my make-up is still intact. “I love you,” I say simply.
“I love you more,” he says as he leans in and places a light kiss on my tear-soaked lips.
A small knock on the door of the bus is followed by Ethan calling out to Gray. “C’min man,” Gray calls as we both climb out of the bunk bed.
Not an easy thing to do, they are definitely not made for more than one person, a thought that makes me smile. The guys won’t be scoring on this trip unless they find somewhere else to do it.
‘Wow,” Ava says as she looks around the bus. “This is incredible Gray.”
Ethan and Gray shake hands in their signature way and then Ethan slaps him on the back.
“Proud of you Gray.” Ethan wraps his arm around my neck and pulls me to his side. “Don’t worry about Liv while you’re gone, we’ll take care of her.”
Ava gives me a small smile, she can tell that I’ve been crying and she knows how much I’ve been dreading this day.
“Thanks man,” Gray says. “It makes me feel better to know that Liv has you both and Sienna while I’m on the road.”
The other boys make their way onto the bus with Rafe and Ruby, and they all get set to leave. I note that Ruby disappears into the bathroom so as not to witness our goodbyes. Ethan, Ava and Gray hug.
“See you in San Fran in two weeks. Good luck Gray,” Ethan says.
Ava places a kiss on Grayson’s cheek and runs her hand down my arm. “We’ll be outside Liv.”
Grayson turns to me and wraps his arms around my waist, moving us towards the bunk beds and out of the view of the others. He cups his hands on either side of my face and kisses me; hard, fast and desperate to convey all his feelings with one connection.
This is a kiss that he wants me to remember, this is a kiss that he wants to last over the span of time that we are apart.
This is a kiss from the man I love who loves me just as much.
This is a kiss that I don’t want to end.
Ever.
This one makes my foot pop for the longest time.
Gray pulls back breathless and stares at me, his eyes roaming every inch of my face. His are shining as he brushes a tear from my cheek. He touches his forehead to mine, leaving his hands in place.
“I love you Liv. I’m going to miss you so much.”
“Me too,” I say, because I’m scared that if I say much more that I’m going to break down into full blown, body-wracking sobs - again. Grayson pulls back and looks at me reverently, like he is trying to commit every feature to memory.
“I’ll see you in two weeks,” he says against my lips before kissing me softly.
“Two weeks,” I repeat as I pull back from him.
I hold his hand for as long as I can before the distance separates us and I slowly make my way down the stairs of the bus to where Ethan and Ava are waiting for me - without looking back.
Ava takes one look at my face and says, “Breakfast Liv. We’re taking you out for breakfast.”
I take a deep breath that ends up shuddering through my body and nod.
“Where are the three of us going to go for breakfast without the paps following us? I don’t want to be photographed like this.”
“Put on your sunglasses and stop worrying. Ethan and I know just the place.”
She grabs my arm and pulls me towards their car just as the bus moves out of the parking lot, taking my heart with it.
It’s mid-afternoon before Ava and Ethan drop me back to my car at the label. They’ve managed to keep me successfully occupied with breakfast and some shopping this morning to try and help me take my mind off Grayson.
I fish through my purse to find my car keys just as my cell phone beeps with an incoming message. I take my phone and check the screen. It’s from Grayson; it’s a photo of him blowing me a kiss.
I love it.
I love him.
I immediately take my phone and copy his pose, taking a photo and texting it back to him. It makes me smile and almost immediately some of the grey cloud that has been following me all day lifts.
It’s amazing how one interaction with him can change my mood completely. I realise then that with our smart phones and Skype, we can stay in close contact as he travels, and that makes me feel worlds better. In fact I decide that I will contact him via Skype tonight and show him all the ways we can stay in touch while we are apart.
Sienna is sitting at the breakfast bar when I get back.
“Hey Si,” I say as I drop my keys on the entrance table. “How’d the rehearsal go this morning?”
“Great,” she says. “Did the boys get off alright?”
I nod. “I don’t know how I’m going to get through the next couple of months without your brother.” I admit with a large sigh.
“I’m going to miss Cooper too; he and I were really getting along well. I’m not sure where things will go now that he’s gone.”
Sienna looks the way I feel - sad. I make my way over to her and give her a tight squeeze.
“What say you and I order pizza, drink wine and watch a movie tonight?”
“Girl’s night in – definitely!” she says. “I’ll go take a quick shower and change.”
“Si?” I call.
“Yeah?” she says turning back to me.
“I’m so glad you’re here.”
She smiles. It reminds me so much of her brother as soon as that dimple on her left cheek caves in.
“Me too.”
Just like that, the pattern of my life changes, and I start to live without Grayson.
On the road
Life on the road is both fun and a nightmare rolled into one.
Fun because the boys and I are enjoying getting the music out there and the fans love it. A nightmare because I’m not only stuck on a tour bus with Rafe and the boys 24/7, but Ruby is with us and she’s a hard task-master.
I’ve said it before; she’s great at what she does. Each city we pull into she has set up numerous radio and print interviews. The music is really getting out there thanks to her, and after the first week of the tour our album hit number two on the charts. All that aside, she is as annoying as all hell, and if she tries to flirt with me one more time I may fuckin’ scream.
Liv and I have stayed in close touch.
We text numerous times a day and speak at least twice. We’ve had a few steamy Skype sessions since I left too.
Amazing what I can do in the small space of my bunk!
Those are my favourite.
All that aside though, I miss her.
I miss her like fucking crazy.
I miss her smell and her touch and her smile and her laugh, but most of all I just miss being with her. I can’t believe that she has become my whole damn world in such a short space of time, and living without her each day is like torture.
I keep repeating my mantra – only three more days, only three more days. We’re in San Francisco in three days times. I get to see my family, and I can’t wait, but more importantly I get to see Liv when she, Ethan and Ava come to join us for the weekend.
I can’t wait for her to meet my folks and Christian, and I can’t wait to have her back, even if it is only for a couple of days. I’ve arranged for us to stay in a hotel while she is with me. There is no way I’m bringing her back on this stinky-as-shit bus. I want to spend two nights worshipping her while I have her.
I pull back the curtain on my bunk and make my way to the bathroom. I can hear the boys up front so I know they’re all awake. We’re travelling today. I think we have a total of seven hours driving time. These are the days that I hate the most. I get restless and bored and I spend too much time thinking about how much I miss Olivia.
Ruby catches my arm as I head through the kitchen.
“Grayson I�
��ve just received an email from the organisers of the annual Pro/Celebrity Grand Prix in Long Beach. They’ve asked if you would like to be part of the celebrity race this year.”
“Hell yeah!” I say, “I’d love to.”
The thought of driving around a race track fills me with adrenaline like I’ve never known before.
I’ve always been physically careful in life. Something that was instilled in me from an early age.
I was born with some heart issues and required four surgeries before I turned three years old. That alone caused my parents to wrap me in cotton wool and protect me from any physical dangers. Although I’m fine now as an adult, they still treat me like I’m breakable. I can just imagine what my mom will say when I tell her about this.
Ruby smiles. “The race fits into our schedule so you would have time to train and then participate before our last two shows in LA.”
“Why does he get all the breaks? I wish I was the lead singer!” I hear Coop grumble from up front, as Will and Matt laugh at him.
Ruby laughs. “Coop, next time I’ll try and set it up for you.” She makes her way back to her computer at the front of the bus, placing her dark-rimmed glasses back on her nose.
I grab a coffee and take a seat with the boys. Matt and Coop have their guitars out and are working on a melody while Will taps the beat out on the table with two pens.
“Go back, that last chord was perfect,” I say as Coop backs up and re-strums the tune. I make my way to the back of the bus to grab my guitar and the four of us spend the next couple of hours writing and perfecting a new song.
Before long, we pull into a roadhouse in the middle of nowhere for some lunch. I’m over eating crap, but there is not a lot of choice in some of the places we stop.
Today I’ve opted for a fish burger. At least the grilled fish should go some of the way to making it healthy, at least that’s what I’m telling myself.
I wander the aisles as I wait and come face to face with the magazine rack. It looks like Liv and I have made the covers again. Two headlines catch my eye: Grayson and Olivia love on the rocks! The second one reads, Olivia moves on!
I know we promised one another that we would not read the bullshit printed in the tabloids, but I can’t help but open the second magazine to see exactly who my girlfriend has supposedly moved on with.
Of course they’ve printed some fake-ass story, and used old photos of Ryan and Liv together from last year, insinuating that they’re back together now that the second film is in production. I close the cover and shove the magazine back on the rack - piece of shit that it is!
I pull out my i-phone and text Liv, letting her know how much I love her and miss her, and of course I include my mantra, only three more days!
To that I get a response that reminds me how much she loves me and can’t wait to see me. Just like that, all is right in my world again.
I grab my lunch and a few supplies and make my way back on the bus for the remainder of the long drive to our next destination.
The sad part is - I can’t even remember where that is!
As I make my way into the stadium for the show tonight I feel weary. I think the long drive here has taken its toll. I also feel a little uneasy, but I don’t know why. It’s like I’m restless and I can’t put my finger on the reason.
I hate that feeling.
The boys have all been getting on my nerves this afternoon, no doubt due to the close confines we’ve been travelling in, so I’m steering clear for an hour before the show starts.
As I turn towards the back-stage area Ruby calls to all of us.
“We have a meet and greet in 30 minutes time boys so let’s get organised.”
She claps her hands twice just like my mom used to do when she was trying to get all of us out of the house. I almost expect Ruby to follow it up with a “Chop, Chop…” in the same way as Mom would have.
Following a quick shower and a bite to eat, we make our way to the green room where there is a small group of fans waiting for us. I really enjoy this part. I like to come face-to-face with the people that love what we do.
We pose for photos and sign programs, album covers, t-shirts and tonight, even an arm and a palm. I’m yet to be asked to sign any other body parts but I’m sure that’s coming. As the line is coming to an end, Ruby pulls me aside.
“Grayson there is a photographer here from Star magazine. He wondered if he could get some shots of you.”
“Just me?” I ask.
She nods.
“No. I don’t want shots of just me; the boys need to be in them too. We’re a package deal.” I don’t trust Star magazine, they always print made-up shit.
“Grayson, he’s been shooting while you’ve all been with the fans so he has shots of all of you together and apart already. He has asked for some of you on your own.”
I don’t want to abandon the boys and I don’t want to give Star anything that they can use against me. Hell, they’d probably use the shots to try and insinuate that there is a rift between the boys and me, marking the start of my solo career.
Nope, I’m not giving them that.
“Ruby, I’m not interested in solo shots. He takes us as a band or he doesn’t get the scoop.”
Ruby’s mouth sets in a straight line. She places her arm around my shoulders and moves in close. “Grayson, you need to trust that I know what is best when it comes to the publicity for the band. This is what’s best.”
I can feel her warm breath on my neck and smell her rosy perfume. It makes me feel light-headed.
I step out of her hold and shake my head. “You know my terms Ruby, all or nothing. Now, if we’re done, I’m going to get ready for the show.”
I make my way to the side of the stage where the boys are waiting so we can make a start.
The thrill I get when taking the stage each night never wanes. There is nothing in the world that compares. The cheers and screams from the crowd, the lights in my eyes and the adrenaline that courses through my veins make it unbeatable.
The only thing that would make it better would be if Liv was here….only three more days!
Following the show I usually like to head back and take a shower but again, Ruby has commandeered us and is heading us towards yet another photo opportunity. I am not complaining, but sometimes I just wish we could concentrate on the performance and not all this other crap that now goes with it.
She has me by the elbow and is tugging all four of us to a room at the end of the corridor.
Another group of fans waits for us, screaming as we make our entrance.
I wave and smile before taking a seat behind a small table next to the others so we can start to sign everything that is shoved our way.
I don’t miss the fact that Ruby has the Star photographer at the back of the room with her, no doubt wanting to get further shots of us. I’m still not giving in and letting him take any of me alone, so they will just have to deal with it.
This group is a little older and a lot more aggressive than those we met prior to the Show. I think I jinxed myself, because I’ve already been asked to sign two very well endowed chests, and I’m only half way through the line.
The next fan in line is a tall brunette with very pretty eyes.
Eyes that she has well and truly focused on me.
I hate these situations; the ones where I meet a fan who has all these fantasies about me. I need to be respectful and friendly when I meet them, when all I want to do is recoil. They freak me the fuck out - it’s creepy.
She runs a hand over her long hair and pushes her chest out before making her way to me.
“Hey,” I say as way of greeting.
“Grayson, I love you. Can you please sign here?” She pulls her t-shirt down exposing the top swell of her large chest and a hint of a very sheer pink lace bra.
I take the Sharpie that she hands me and scribble my name on the exposed skin for her as quickly as possible.
She moves forward and places a st
icky kiss on my cheek before moving towards my ear. She wraps her fingers around the top of my arm like talons. “I’m staying at the Ritz-Carlton, room 1012.” She pulls back, smiles and turns on her high heels, ignoring the rest of the boys and shooting me a smile over her shoulder as she sashays out of the room.
I look up to see Ruby and the photographer from the Star looking at shots on the screen of his digital camera.
Great!
I hope he didn’t get shots of that encounter, I can just imagine the headlines.
I trust Ruby enough to know that she wouldn’t want the reputation of the band to be sullied so I’m sure she is steering him in the right direction.
I turn my attention back to the line that is still waiting, and continue to sign my life away for another hour before we can call it a night.
My bunk bed is looking really good right about now, even though it is cold and lonely without Liv to warm it.
Headlines
I wake to Ruby-slutsky’s face next to Grayson’s on the front of Star magazine.
That’s my new name for her – Ruby-slutsky.
Perfect description for a woman who clearly wants what she can’t have.
I need to cancel my online subscription to this stupid magazine; I really don’t need to be seeing this crap first thing in the morning.
The caption reads: Grayson’s bevy of beauties.
The blood is pumping through my veins at one hundred miles per hour and dread settles in my stomach.
I hate reading this bullshit, but I can’t help it.
I throw my feet over the edge of the bed and shuffle to the kitchen. If I’m going to read this - I need coffee.
I need Gray and my head hurts.
So does my heart.
I check my watch and do the time conversion in my head. It’s a little too early to call Gray. I need to hear his voice to soothe my soul.
I put the coffee pod into the machine and turn on the milk frother. I rest my elbows on the breakfast bar and bury my face in my hands.
I know the stories are fabricated.
Hell I spoke to Gray last night, and he couldn’t stop telling me how much he loves me. I trust him and I know he is being faithful.