Relationship Goals

by Christina C Jones

  She was still giggling when she answered. “You tell me, you’re the one who wants to record me doing it!”

  “No, the action is mundane. You’re sensual, like your whole vibe or whatever. It’s like the juxtaposition of two opposing ideas, right? Only it’s not a porno, so it doesn’t need to be overt. You, by virtue of being Noah, your simple presence, even in a faded tee shirt and yoga pants, or whatever, brings the sexiness to it.”

  Moving until we were close enough to be touching, Noah tipped her head back, looking at me. “You really think that about me?”

  “I think you know pretty well what I think about you.”

  “I want to hear you say it.”

  “Noah, you are—”

  “No, stop, you’re gonna make me blush,” she said, giggling as she stepped away, heading down the path.

  I caught up to her quickly, lacing my fingers with hers as our palms connected. “Can’t be asking for shit you can’t handle,” I teased, and she bit her lip as she peeked up at me.

  “What is that supposed to mean?”

  “What do you suppose it means?”

  A grin spread across her mouth, and she shook her head. “No comment. What are we doing next? We still have a whole half day.”

  “Well, we should probably get out of here, get back over to Inglewood before traffic gets messy. I’m sure we can find something to get into. Grab some dinner somewhere.”

  When she didn’t respond to that, I looked up to find her grin had faded. Using my grip on her hand, I gently tugged her toward me to get her attention.

  “Hey, what’s up? Something wrong?”

  “Not exactly,” she said, then let out a little sigh. “It’s just, I’ve really enjoyed this time with you, and I’m looking forward to the rest of the day too, but this long-distance thing. I don’t know. I already miss you, and I haven’t left yet.”

  The distance.

  Right.

  With my free hand, I scratched my head, trying not to give in to the niggling feeling that maybe the distance was an excuse for whatever the hell she was about to say.

  I gave a deep nod. “Okay. I get that, but what are you saying? Are you thinking we should quit while we’re... not ahead?”

  “What?!” she stopped walking, which forced me to do the same, unless I wanted to drag her by the hand. “Nick, no. I’m processing out loud, that’s all. I’m internalizing this feeling, getting familiar with it. That’s how I cope.”

  I shrugged. “But why cope at all? Not that I don’t want you, but I want you to be happy. And if the distance is gonna have your head messed up...”

  “It doesn’t – well, it won’t. Chemistry over proximity. Our world is too expansive for me to believe my only suitable – or even best – potential lover must live on my block. I have a good feeling about this, about me and you. I can handle missing you, if the tradeoff is what I think it’s going to be.”

  “And what is that?”

  She smiled. “Today is only our third date. I can’t tell you without sounding crazy.”

  Noah started moving again to avoid saying more, but she didn’t have to. I didn’t only understand what she meant – it was mutual.

  Obviously, neither of us thought we were in love, but there was this underlying sense that if we let it happen, we would find ourselves there. It was a feeling that lent itself to a level of comfort with Noah I couldn’t say I’d experienced with anyone else. People talked about immediately knowing when someone was the one. While I didn’t really ascribe to stuff like that, there was no denying that, unlike any of the women I’d dated in the last few years, I felt like in time, she could be.

  It was a bit terrifying.

  When I was used to people quickly tapping out when it came to difficulties with my disease, it was easy to not get too attached. This time felt different though.

  A smarter man would pull himself back.

  Instead, I strengthened my grip on her hand.

  “You know what, how about instead of spending time finding a spot to eat, being out, all of that, we chill? I still need food at the house anyway, so we can swing by the grocery store, pick up something we can cook together, some snacks to watch movies, all that. Sound good to you?”

  She twisted her lips together, playfully considering it. “Can “all that” include a bottle of wine?”

  “If you want it to, yes.”

  “Then it sounds perfect.”

  #

  “I’ll be right back!” I called to a confused-looking Noah as I dropped the last handful of bags onto my kitchen counter, then half-jogged to the bathroom – I had to take a leak.

  Once she realized where I was heading, she laughed, then yelled, “I hope you have air freshener!” after me.

  I chuckled, then went ahead to handle my business. I was turning the faucet on to wash my hands when the doorbell rang, so whoever it was, they were going to have to wait a second... or so I thought.

  I returned to the front of my apartment to find Noah had answered the door, and was now standing, arms crossed, next to another woman, who was looking at Noah like she’d seen a ghost.

  “Nick,” Noah said, in a flat tone. “You have a visitor. She brought you a peach cobbler.”

  I grinned. “Oh, shit – what did I do to deserve this?” I asked, not giving Noah’s obvious agitation any attention as I approached my “visitor” and wrapped her in a hug.

  “It’s because of Payton,” she answered, laughing as she wriggled out of my grasp, while still holding the pan of dessert. “The movie has made him some sort of teenaged heartthrob at school and on social media, and I have little girls knocking on my door for him now. You can decide if you think this peach cobbler is poisoned or not.”

  I sucked my teeth. “You know you ain’t poisoned a perfectly good pan of deliciousness Jamie, stop playing.” I finally turned to Noah, who was trying her best to keep that pleasantly plastic smile on her face. “Noah, this is my sister, Jamie. Jamie, this is—”

  “Noah Houston,” Jamie finished for me, shoving the cobbler into my hands so she could shake Noah’s. “I know exactly who she is, I just didn’t... I didn’t expect to find her on the other side of your front door. You said the kiss thing was no big deal, and you’d probably never see her again!”

  Noah’s eyebrows went somewhere near her hairline as she stepped back, shoving her hands into the back pockets of her jeans. “Oh? Nick didn’t tell you about us?”

  “I didn’t know if there was going to be an us for there to be anything to tell,” I quickly chimed in, before Jamie could say anything.

  My answer did not make things better.

  “Was that before, or after you flew to my city and showed up at my office with flowers, or I spent the night in your arms on that couch right there, or flew to LA a whole day early before business, so I could spend some time with you?” There was no bite to her voice, no attitude. She seemed calm... which I didn’t take as a good sign.

  “Oh, shit,” Jamie muttered under her breath, and I quickly tucked the cobbler under one arm so I could take Noah’s hand.

  “I will explain later, okay? Don’t overthink it, please,” I said quietly, which didn’t seem to be the right thing either, based on the way Noah cut her eyes away.

  “If it helps,” Jamie said, as she prepared to say something I was certain wouldn’t help, because she was nervous now. “Nick never tells anybody about a woman until he really, really likes them.”

  “Oh,” Noah laughed – she didn’t think anything was funny – there was no way she thought anything was funny. “Well, that clears it up. Um, I left my phone in the kitchen, so I’m gonna go get it.”

  She turned and took off, and as soon as she was out of earshot, I looked at Jamie, whose face was stuck in a grimace. “I don’t know why I said that. I know you really like her. She wouldn’t be here if you didn’t like her. I just... I froze, or something.”

  “You didn’t freeze – at least, your mouth didn’t.”


  “I’m sorry, but she’s friggin NoahKnows, in your house! A woman, in your house! I didn’t even know you were dating anybody, let alone her of all people, and she’s—”

  “In my house,” I said, dryly. “Yes, Jamie, I’m aware. Why are you acting so...”?

  “Surprised? Because I am,” she said. “Duh. You don’t have people over here willy nilly, that’s not your style. And you flew to see her? She flew to see you? That’s a big deal, and I am so mad you didn’t tell me. Nick... she’s important to you, isn’t she?”

  “It’s not... like that yet.”

  A grin spread over Jamie’s mouth. “But... it is like that, isn’t it?”

  “Jamie...”

  “What? It’s all over your face, you’re looking like Payton does about that little Tatia girl. And she’s pissed at him right now, like Noah is pissed at you. Like uncle, like nephew.”

  I scoffed. “Yeah, thanks for that, sis.”

  “You should’ve told me about her. You used to tell me about all those other raggedies, why didn’t you tell me about her?”

  “Because it’s too soon,” I explained. “I don’t... I don’t even know if she’s going to be around like that, to be introducing to family. Regardless of how much I might like her.”

  The indignation slipped from Jamie’s face. “You told her about the SCD?”

  “Yeah. A few weeks ago.”

  Jamie frowned. “Okay, so then what’s the problem? She knows, and she’s still here. Where is your usual optimism?”

  “I can’t let optimism get in the way of common sense, have me sitting around somewhere like a punk cause I got my little feelings hurt. It’s not a shot against her, but... experience is the best teacher.”

  “That’s a horrible fucking cliché in this situation, and you know it. Every black man I dated before I met Brandon was a fuckboy. What, should I have learned from experience too? Decided that all of you weren’t worth a damn?”

  I scowled, shaking my head. “That’s not the same thing.”

  “It is exactly the same thing. No, obviously, you shouldn’t be stupid about love and relationships, but come the hell on. Experience is only the best teacher if you’re using it to learn what behaviors not to accept, honing your preferences – not using it as an excuse to let the good ones pass you by.”

  “Are you done, Jamie?”

  Instead of answering, Jamie looked past me. I followed her gaze to where Noah was standing in the doorway to the kitchen.

  “Um, I don’t mean to interrupt, I just wanted to let you know I put those groceries away, and ordered an Uber. I’m tired. Gonna head back to my hotel.”

  Jamie turned back to me. “Yes. I’m done. You have a fire to put out. I’ll see you later. Nice to meet you Noah,” she said, and then she left, bouncing out the door like she hadn’t dropped a bomb on our perfect day.

  Noah moved from the kitchen doorway to the living room, going back and forth between peeking through the slightly open blinds and checking her phone.

  “You’re seriously about to leave?” I asked her, cupping her elbow to get her to turn and face me. “We can’t talk about this?”

  She shrugged. “Talk about what?”

  “You’re obviously pissed, Noah.”

  “No.” she shook her head. “Not pissed – hurt. And it is way too early into whatever this is for me to be feeling hurt, or missing you, or to be so damned comfortable around you. Right now, all signs are pointing toward me needing to check myself. So that’s what I’m going to do. Take a moment to get my head together.”

  “Or you can tell me what’s going on. How did I hurt you? What did I do?”

  She raised her hands. “What? No. You didn’t do anything. But, I rearranged my whole schedule, paid to change to my plane ticket, paid for an extra night at my hotel, all so I could spend a day with you. Only to find out you didn’t think enough of me to even mention to your sister. We’ve been talking for a month, Nick. I’m not expecting an invite to the family reunion or anything, but damn. That didn’t feel good to hear.”

  “I get that,” I told her, finally putting that damn peach cobbler down on the table beside the door so I could grab her hands. “But, I need you to not take that personally, please. I don’t tell my people about anybody anymore unless I’m sure they’re going to be around.”

  “And that is fine, Nick. I’m not suggesting it isn’t. But it doesn’t feel good. And really... you know, it’s not even that you hadn’t told her,” she said, slipping her hands away from mine. You said you didn’t know if there was “us” to tell anybody about. I’m in goddamn LA right now, for you. I could’ve requested to have this meeting at home, and I didn’t. Because I wanted to see you. And you don’t even know if there’s an us.”

  I scoffed. “Seriously? Like you said – it’s been a month. Is there an “us”?”

  Noah drew her head back a little as her lips parted, and then she gave a slight nod. “Oh. I guess... maybe not. My bad.”

  “Don’t do that...”

  “Don’t do what? I’m not doing anything except considering your position, and I think you may be right. I don’t believe we’re on the same page, and my Uber is here anyway, which is perfect timing. It was nice seeing you again.”

  “Noah, wait a minute,” I said, taking her free hand before she could reach for the doorknob. “Why are you shutting down on me?”

  She let out a frustrated sigh. “Because we are very obviously turned up to different temperatures. Hot, and cold. When I’m open with someone, I’m there, I’m present, I’m not secretive about how I feel. Maybe that doesn’t work for you – which is fine.”

  I shook my head. “It’s not that it doesn’t work for me.”

  “Isn’t it, though? I feel stupid right now, because I thought maybe we were on some “this is the person I’ve been waiting for” kind of path, and you’re on a “oh, Noah? She’s cool” kind of path.”

  “That is about the furthest thing from the truth,” I told her, then scowled at the window as a horn honked outside. “Cancel the ride. I’ll pay you back the fees.”

  “Why would I do that, Nick? If you think I’m about to let you see me cry, you are very wrong.”

  I let go of her hands to cup her face. “I don’t want you crying at all,” I said, trying to ignore the obvious gloss of tears already forming in her eyes. “I don’t know how the hell this day went so far left, but I promise you, I want you here.”

  “That is antithetical to how I feel right now.”

  “Then tell me what to do to change that.”

  She let out a dry laugh as the horn sounded again. “Nick, I can’t make you like me as much as I like you.”

  “But what if I already do?”

  “Based on how this conversation has gone, that is highly unlikely.”

  “But not impossible. What if I feel like I like you too much too? So I try to not like you so much, so if you decide to back out, it won’t be as bad as if I were all in?”

  Noah blinked. “That’s what’s happened before?”

  “That’s what’s happened a lot.”

  “And you feel like I’m going to do that too?”

  “I feel like I don’t know.”

  “Then ask,” she insisted, pulling away from my hands. “You could’ve asked me, Nick. I’m capable of making an informed decision, and I have. If you think I didn’t google the hell out of sickle cell disease, you are very much mistaken. And maybe you haven’t, because you’re living it, but if you ever decided to, you would find a whole world of people with SCD who have found someone to live very happy lives with. I understand the potential complications, and I understand what being with you might mean. What you need to understand is you shouldn’t let those possibilities keep you away from... other ones. With me.”

  “What if I have a crisis episode and have to spend a week in the hospital? What if it happens in the middle of sex? What if I have a stroke?”

  She shrugged. “What if we break up after two mon
ths because you don’t like my perfume? At four months because you flirt too much? At eight months because I got drunk and let an ex feel me up? At two years because you cursed my grandmother out and I had to choose, and I chose her?”

  “Those are specific.”

  “Because they all happened,” she laughed. “But... seriously, Nick. We can sit here and play “what if” all night, right? But it’s not going to change the fact that there are risks in every relationship. You think I don’t have any fears? What if you break my heart? What if you cheat, what if you make me look stupid? What if you’re secretly married, like the last guy? What if you leave? I have those little fears too, but I’m not going to let them stand in the way of something that could be amazing. Are you?”

  She kept those pretty brown eyes aimed at me, waiting on me to answer. As much as I did want to cling to those doubts, her argument was too compelling for me to do anything except shake my head, and urge her to unlock her phone as the horn outside sounded again.

  “Cancel that ride. You’re staying here.”

  8.

  #NOAH

  “Just think about it, Noah. We don’t need an answer immediately, but think about it. Our audience would be lucky to have you.”

  There was always more to meetings like this than what met the eyes. My talk with Glow magazine was supposed to be about speaking on a panel at their annual festival next year, and yes... we’d discussed that. The contracts had already been reviewed, and approved, so I signed, shook hands, and expected to be on my way.

  But then the room cleared, and I found myself alone with Rose Golden – her real, government name – owner and founder of Glow magazine, and Cameron Taylor’s good friend.

  She didn’t bother with small talk.

  Apparently, they were getting ready to re-brand the magazine. Glow was becoming Glow Up, a change they – correctly, in my opinion – thought would give them more appeal to a millennial audience. The official launch of the new brand would happen next summer, at the festival.