We Were Ghosts--The Secret Life of a Survivor

by Tabitha Barret

  “Oh, the old lady with the Barbie sweaters, I remember that house. I’m glad he made a friend,” she smiled as she looked over my shoulder again.

  I must have made a weird noise because she pondered my mood.

  “Heather isn’t much of a friend,” I retorted.

  “Oh, that’s not what I meant. I meant that I’m glad he made friends with you. He doesn’t like Heather. He’s looking around for someone to talk to so that he can stop paying attention to her,” she said, raising her eyebrows, challenging me to disagree with her.

  I turned, annoyed that I had to watch Heather pawing Zack. When I saw the strain on his face, I almost burst out laughing. “I should learn never to doubt you,” I replied. For one of the quietest people in the Junior Class, she had uncanny insight into others.

  She gave me a small smile and nodded at my praise.

  “Let me go deal with this mess. I’ll see you at lunch,” she sighed as she stepped away, dragging her overstuffed backpack behind her.

  I took another look at Zack’s pained expression and felt bad for him. Heather was caging him in and cutting off his retreat by pinning him against the lockers. Part of me wanted to save him, but the rest of me saw Heather’s perfect blue nail polish, matching blue dangly earrings, and her face done to perfection. I had no way of competing with her, so I didn’t even try. Instead, I walked into class and focused on my notes.

  Chapter 4

  By the time lunch came around, my stomach was protesting my decision to skip breakfast, or rather dallying so long this morning that I hadn’t left time to feed myself. I had the same boring lunch every day, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on some kind of bread that even squirrels would refuse to eat because it had things shoved into it that shouldn’t be classified as bread products. Why anyone would jam seeds and giant kernels of things into a sandwich bread was beyond me. My smooth peanut butter became crunchy when I bit into the weird pale green seed bread.

  I wiped the corner of my mouth and tried to appear lady-like as I swallowed harshly, trying to get the lumps down. I was listening to Megan talk about how she was called on in class to read from the textbook and accidently said the word “penis” instead of “pencil” and almost got detention.

  “It was an honest mistake. I swear that I wasn’t trying to say it. The entire class laughed at me and by the end, I was getting notes passed to me with various penises drawn on them. It was horrible,” Megan whined as she threw her head down on top of her arms and hid her face.

  Kris, Jill, and I stared at her in disbelief. We all had our share of missteps, but thankfully, none of us had ever been handed a note with a penis on it.

  “That’s just wrong,” I said after I gulped down my soda.

  Megan was on the verge of tears as Jill tried to console her.

  I made the mistake of looking over at the boys’ table and found the same pair of blue eyes staring at me. Zack’s lip turned up a bit and he tipped his head toward me before someone said something to him and our eye contact was broken. My stomach felt warm and tingly again. I must have looked happy because Megan scowled at me. “Do you think this is funny? I have the same kids in the class next period and they aren’t going to let this go, I know it,” she pouted.

  I shook my head and returned to our mini-drama, forgetting about the way Zack’s eyes crinkled in the corners when he smiled.

  “I don’t think it’s funny, but there has to be a way out of this. You can feign a stomach cramp and go to the nurse until last period, or you can attack the problem head on. They will only make fun of you if they think it will upset you. Find a way to turn it around on them and this will go away quickly,” I smirked. I looked over at the table of boys who I assumed were responsible for the drawings. They were mostly the athletic kids or the kids who were a step below the honors class. “It can’t be that hard to outsmart them.”

  Megan closed her eyes and rubbed her face. “You’re right. I have to find a way to turn this against them. I have a few minutes to come up with something good,” she said, determined to change the rules of the game.

  Gathering my books and purse, I stood up just as the bell rang. Jill continued to console Megan, while Kris wandered off through the crowd. My bag got stuck on the corner of the table and I dropped my unicorn notebook from my pile. I rolled my eyes and tried to bend down to retrieve it, but it was already in Zack’s hands.

  “Would you like me to carry this to Health Class, since you’re already at max capacity with just your purse?” he asked, having placed it on top of his composition book.

  “I don’t know. I wouldn’t want you to sprain your wrist carrying it. It will double your load,” I smirked.

  He flexed his free arm and made a muscle. Sadly, the crease in his blue shirt covered what would have been an amazing sight. “It’s okay. I do a lot of pushups for just these emergencies. If needed, I can carry three notebooks,” he said, waiting for me to swoon.

  “Not three!” I gasped. “I’m so glad that you came to my rescue,” I said dramatically, putting the back of my hand to my forehead.

  He laughed, causing his shoulders to shake. He moved away from the table so that I could step out of the attached bench seat. As we walked to class, his brilliant smile faded. “Speaking of rescues, you ran out on me,” he said with a hint of sadness in his voice. When I looked at up him, he almost seemed betrayed. It took me a minute to remember what had happened in the hallway this morning.

  “Well, three’s a crowd or rather six if you include Laura, Lisa, and Alex, Heather’s entourage. Heather staked her claim when she practically stepped on my foot and jumped between us,” I said with more snarkiness than intended. It still bothered me that Heather hadn’t acknowledged that I was having a conversation with Zack and that Zack hadn’t told Heather to back off.

  He rubbed the back of his short hair and pulled at his stiff collar. “That’s not what I was talking about, but I suddenly understand why you didn’t come back to talk to me.”

  Dumbfounded by his statement, I stopped in my tracks, nearly causing a pile up of students behind me. “How did I run out on you?” I was genuinely curious about his observation.

  His cheeks flushed slightly when he saw me stop. He was forced to backtrack to get to me and fight through a small group of kids who were trailing behind the pack. He seemed to regret saying anything as he stared at something very interesting on the gold speckled industrial flooring.

  “Forget it, I don’t know what I was saying,” he muttered, though I couldn’t really hear all his words clearly.

  I crossed my arms and bit my lip. “Please tell me.”

  He searched my face and blew out a long breath. He finally threw his arms up and shrugged. “I saw you talking to your friend. When she walked away, it looked like you were going to come back to talk to me, or rather, rescue me from talking to Heather, but you didn’t,” he said sounding flustered and annoyed that he was forced to confess to me.

  I was stunned once I comprehended the fact that he wanted me to come back and talk to him. I wasn’t sure why he felt the need to be rescued from Heather, but I liked the idea of whisking in and saving him. A warm cloud spread through my chest and filled every corner. It was naïve of me to think that he liked me since friends saved each other from predators all the time, but for one brief moment, I wanted him to like me as more than a friend.

  I was too slow to recover from the revelation, because my brain felt like it was sloshing through mud. I watched his beautiful face fall as he suddenly appeared sad.

  He stared at the tile walls with his mouth pursed and then turned his head to see that everyone else had vacated the hallway. “We’re going to be late,” he mumbled. He walked away from me using his longer legs to create a huge gap between us.

  I ran to catch up with him, but he had made it to the staircase and was taking the steps two at a time before I could reach him. I dashed up the stairs and was out of breath by the time I made it to the third floor. I saw him look down
at my unicorn notebook still in his hand just as he rounded the corner and headed down the adjacent hallway. I wasn’t sure if he was planning to politely hand me my notebook or throw it at my head. By the time I parked my butt in my desk in Health, my notebook was neatly placed on my desk. Zack had his arms folded on top of the desk and his head was propped up on his arms. He was looking off into the front corner of the room. I wanted to apologize for betraying him, though it hadn’t been intentional. It was a strange feeling since I couldn’t remember ever letting anyone down before.

  I slid lower into my chair and tried to figure out why he had wanted my help in the first place. It would have been easy enough to sidestep Heather and extricate himself from the situation, though he was the new kid and Heather had a way of spreading gossip faster than carrier pigeons. He had made a comment about fights in his old school. Maybe he had been bullied or maybe he just didn’t know how to stand up for himself. I felt horrible for leaving him to his fate.

  Looking at the side of his head, I tried to figure out what I should say to him. He was right about me wanting to talk to him again, but I had been a coward. I could have stood up to Heather and her friends, but I had chosen not to. It was minor thing, but his disappointment in me stung.

  When the bell rang, I cursed our rotating schedule and the two remaining classes I still had to sit through. Zack was out the back door of the classroom without a glance in my direction. I briefly wondered if he was being dramatic, but something felt wrong about that. I didn’t want to belittle whatever he was going through.

  The next two classes were a blur as I analyzed the problem. I knew what it felt like to want to be rescued, while being too afraid to ask for help, or too afraid of the consequences. Escaping Heather wasn’t a major problem, but I felt like a jerk for bailing on him nonetheless.

  When I finally saw Zack pulling his books out of his locker and jamming them into his backpack, I stepped through the afternoon crush of students and tapped him on the shoulder.

  “I’m sorry that I failed in my duties as your wingman. I promise that I won’t let you down again,” I said, holding out my hand as a peace offering and as a way of sealing my vow.

  He raised his eyebrow as he looked at my outstretched hand. He stood up and looked into my eyes, causing the warm cloud to return, only stronger this time.

  Taking my hand in his, he gave it a firm shake, then slowly pulled it away, trailing his long fingers against my palm and the back of my hand. I could feel the tingling sensation long after his hand was gone.

  “Apology accepted, though I fully expect you to provide ground cover during the next attack so that we can escape together in one piece,” he said as the mischievous smile returned to his face. His eyes were even bluer than before as his neck and ears turned bright red.

  I nodded, accepting my mission. Tomorrow, I wouldn’t let him down.

  Chapter 5

  The following morning, I felt like I had a renewed purpose in life. Instead of hiding away from the world afraid that someone would see through my perfectly crafted lie and figure out what was happening to me at home, I focused on helping Zack. I didn’t have a way out of my situation, but helping a new friend with his problem, made me feel stronger somehow. It gave me something positive to think about.

  I had my prepared speech in hand that I had spent all night practicing until I fell asleep. I was going to tell Heather to back off and step behind the yellow caution line, or else. Or else what, I didn’t have a clue, but it sounded good. I didn’t care about my reputation because I didn’t have one. All the students knew my name and would talk to me if we were in close enough proximity, especially when a lab partner was needed or a gym buddy was required to walk around the field instead of playing soccer, but none of them were actually my friends. I couldn’t be shunned too much more than I already was.

  I leaned against my locker like a sentinel, waiting for the gaggle of girls that swarmed Heather to arrive. Zack was busy putting away his books until he spied me standing watch across the hallway.

  “I see that you understand your mission parameters and have set up a perimeter. Good job,” he laughed. His sincere smile lit up his entire face. It made me realize that the smiles that preceded it were only half-hearted or perhaps practiced. I didn’t understand why he would be so guarded around me, but then again, he was still new and wasn’t sure who would become his friends and who would make it on to his enemies list.

  I winked at him as Megan approached from the girl’s bathroom and looked at me questioningly.

  “What are you doing?” she asked as she rummaged in her purse for her lip-gloss. Her mother wouldn’t let her wear makeup at home.

  “Preparing to deflect Heather’s advances toward Zack,” I shrugged as if it was a perfectly acceptable reason to be standing watch.

  She dropped her purse and gawked at me. “What?” she asked confused by my sudden display of courage. She leaned in closer and whispered, “I know he’s cute, but Heather will eat you alive if you get in her way.”

  I blew a stray hair out of my face and considered this new development. I looked at Zack, who had finished putting his stuff away and was waiting for two of the teachers, a.k.a. hall monitors, to pass before he approached us.

  “I’ve made up my mind. He asked for my help and that’s all there is to it,” I replied in a hushed voice.

  Megan’s nonverbal responded indicated that she thought I had lost my mind and would say a few nice things at my funeral.

  Zack laughed at my stern expression and put his hands up. “Don’t shoot the friendlies. I’m on your side.”

  Hearing that he was on my side made my cheeks heat up and my stomach flutter. I reminded myself that we were strictly friends and loosened my stance a bit. I was here as his backup, and had no intentions of declaring my affection for him.

  A wave of nausea hit me hard at the thought of telling him that I thought he was nice, or cute, or friendly, or whatever kind word might bubble to the surface. Did I like him in that way? He was definitely attractive, but I didn’t know him well enough to say that I liked him as more than a friend. If that was true, why were my palms suddenly sweating?

  I heard the gaggle of girls squawking at something funny as Heather and her minions came down the hallway from her locker. She ignored Alex’s conversation and locked her eyes on Zack. She walked away from Alex, who seemed offended that she was being ignored by her leader. Heather did a little hop to get Zack’s attention, landing to my right side. I apparently didn’t exist in her strange little world, which was fine by me. This was confirmed when she hooked her arm through Zack’s and pulled him around to face her. Again, I saw the discomfort on Zack’s face as he casually tried to pull his arm away from hers. I began to wonder if there was something wrong with his arm based on the way he acted or if he really hated Heather that much.

  “I want you to ask me to the Halloween Dance. I have the perfect costumes picked out,” she said blatantly as she held out a flyer from the newspaper. It was an ad from the local party shop located along the main highway.

  Zack looked at the paper and back at me with his mouth open. He looked dumbfounded. Heather was undeterred by his lack of enthusiasm and continued to describe the costumes. She then stated what time they should meet before the dance, expecting her plan to be enacted.

  I noticed that Zack’s creased light green shirt was moving up and down faster than it should be. Looking at his face, he seemed paler than he had a minute ago. I realized that I was failing as his wingman.

  When I finally stepped forward, I accidentally bumped into the paper, crinkling it a little having misjudged my fervor in defending my new friend.

  “Actually, Zack and I are going together, though we haven’t decided on our costumes yet. He asked me yesterday after school,” I said without thinking. Panic began to build inside me when I imagined my pretend date with Zack, until I saw the fire in Heather’s eyes. Her jaw was set and she looked like she wanted to punch me. I wasn’t sure
what I would do if she took a swing at me, but in the back of my mind I hoped that she would be expelled for hitting me. Maybe this was what Zack meant about fights in his old school. Had the girls fought over him? It would explain his dislike of pushy girls.

  “Is this true, Zack?” Heather asked in a huff. It looked like she didn’t care what Zack’s answer was, she still had plans to go with him.

  From my peripheral, I saw Zack nod in agreement. My heart stopped and then skipped a few times at the approval of my fake plan.

  I could practically feel her hatred attempting to burn me when she looked me up and down. She obviously didn’t think I was worthy of speaking to Zack. She finally crunched up her face into a contorted sneer and turned on her heel to make her dramatic exit. I was about to let go of the breath I’d been holding when she whipped around and stepped toward my face. The cruel smile she gave me made my stomach cold.

  “Someone like you could never hold his interest for long, remember that. When he’s over you, I will be here waiting,” she said threateningly.

  My knees trembled not only from the hostility pointed at me, but the truth behind her statement. I had never dated anyone. I had no experience with guys who weren’t forcing me to comply with their wishes. How could I possibly hold someone’s attention, regardless if it was a fake date or not? That’s when the nausea returned and I started to sweat. The walls between reality and my well-crafted lie began to crumble. I was not this person. I was not the girl who wanted a boy to like her. I was not the girl who could do and say what she wanted without serious consequences for her actions. I was the shell of a person who had lost hope for a real life, no matter how hard I pretended not to be. I was merely a plaything for someone I hated.

  I managed to keep it together long enough for Heather to move on to flirt with Brian Casey as retribution for my act of desperation. I took off down the hallway toward the bathroom and made it to the toilet just before I threw up. What was I thinking? Why had I done that? What made me think that I could help anyone?