We Were Ghosts--The Secret Life of a Survivor

by Tabitha Barret

  Preparing to leave him, I took one last look at him. I memorized his high cheekbones, his strong chin, his damp hair, and most importantly, I memorized his eyes. I would think about him when I needed to smile, but it would have to wait until things were better, if they were better.

  “The dance was amazing. I don’t regret going, but I can’t suffer like that for one night of fun,” I said sadly, the tears starting to spring to life.

  He nodded and shoved his hands in his pockets.

  I tipped myself forward and let gravity take over as I fell off the log. Landing on my feet, I sighed and headed back toward the house.

  I heard him sniffle a few times. I was pretty sure that he was crying, or at least getting choked up. I felt like a jerk for leaving him like that, but it hurt too much to stay.

  “Goodbye, Alicia,” he said, his voice cracking.

  My heart sank into my stomach and my chest ached. I had made him cry. I had hurt him. Hating myself, I knew I was no better than everyone else in his life who had stood by and done nothing while he suffered at the hands of his father. He had expected me to give up on him, afraid that I wouldn’t understand his need to punch trees. It dawned on me that he had felt that way in the kitchen. He hadn’t expected me to comfort him. He assumed I would walk away, just like everyone else in his life who may’ve had some idea what he was going through.

  I stopped dead in my tracks, my knees locking up. I was being a coward. I was running because things got hard. Phil had made me into this; he had turned me into a sniveling quitter who was afraid to stand up for what I wanted. Well, screw him.

  I turned on my heel and ran to Zack as fast I could move. I slammed into his chest and put my cold hands on his warm, moist face. Pulling his face down, my lips collided with his as I kissed him. Though he had caught me when my chest hit his, he hadn’t been prepared for the kiss. He was surprised at first, his eyes going wide. I looked at him while pressing my lips to his, hoping that he returned the kiss; otherwise, I would feel really stupid.

  After a half a second, he threw his arms around me and tilted his head. He opened his mouth and his warm breath tickled my lips. He leaned in and kissed me. His lips were slow and sweet, but expressed so much more. His tears fell against my cheeks and slid down my face. I never wanted to see him cry again because of me. It was a foolish wish, but one that I selfishly wanted.

  Breaking the kiss, he put his forehead against mine and smiled. He looked into my eyes and I saw the sparkle, except this time it was brighter than I’d ever seen it. His mischievous look had morphed into something else—it became a passionate gaze.

  “I guess I owe you the Blockbuster card,” he chuckled, still holding me, though he had loosened his grip to give me space.

  “Well, you can use the $5000 I bribed you with to buy the card,” I shrugged.

  He laughed as he released me. He leaned back and wiped his tears from my face. “I wanted to do that Friday night, but I didn’t want to upset you,” he said, placing his hand on my cheek.

  “I was too much of a wreck Friday night. I’m glad we waited,” I said, putting my hand over his.

  When he looked over his shoulder at his house, I knew we were short on time.

  “I have to go, but I wanted to make sure that you’re okay. What I mean is, are you okay with us?” he asked, seeming unsure of what our kiss meant.

  I sniffled and wiped the rain from my face with my free hand. “We’re good. I just have to remember what I’m fighting for,” I said sincerely.

  He grinned and flipped over his hand to capture my hand on top of his. He pulled it toward his mouth and kissed my knuckles. My stomach twitched when I felt his soft lips on my skin.

  “You’re fighting for a piece of something normal, just like I am.” He winked and stepped away from me. He was running out of time.

  He took a few steps and turned to look at me over his shoulder. “I want you to make a list of things I can’t do, things that trigger you. I don’t want to send you into a tailspin like I did Friday night. I’ll do the same. This way we can avoid upsetting each other,” he stated.

  I hated the thought of admitting the horrible things that set me off and made me want to punch things, but it needed to be done if we wanted to achieve some kind of normalcy.

  I waited for him to hop up the stairs to the back door and shut the screen door behind him. I wanted to keep him in view for as long as possible. I needed to remember what I was fighting for.

  I jumped in the shower to explain my wet hair when Phil came home and waited impatiently for my mother. I pounced on her the second she walked in the door. “Can we go to Aunt Sarah’s house?” I asked, practically pleading.

  I could tell that my mother wasn’t thrilled with the idea of going back out in the rain, but I saw her glance over at the movie she had borrowed from her last week that I had conveniently placed on the counter. “I guess so.”

  Grabbing my coat, I ushered her out the door and into the garage. I breathed a sigh of relief knowing that Phil would never ask to join us. My family greatly disliked him and it was understood that he was not invited to their homes.

  My mom had two sisters and three brothers. She was the oldest and tended to look after her younger siblings, especially the baby of the family, Aunt Sarah. They hadn’t always been close while growing up, but as they got older, they learned how to appreciate each other. Usually once a month or so we would stop at the video store and the pizza place around the corner from her house and drop by. My aunt loved having people over, so she never minded the unannounced visits. I always believed that she let us come over whenever we wanted because she loved the pizza.

  Though my uncles were great, especially Uncle Joe, I had a special bond with my aunt. She would tell me stories about my crazy grandparents who preferred that everyone ate dinner at the neighbors’ houses so that they didn’t have to cook for six children and how her brothers would do insane things, like the time they tried to put her in the dryer.

  She was funny, kind, and offered me a safe haven when things were rough at home. It was the only place I wanted to be after my terrible weekend.

  “I went a little nuts and got chicken and onions on the pizza this time,” my mother announced as we entered my aunt’s condo.

  “I hope there’s a ton of chicken,” my aunt replied. She raced across the small living room and hugged me with a glass of water in her hands. “Sorry, I just got back from my walk. I’m a little dehydrated and wet from the rain.” Her hair was almost as wet as mine was.

  “We asked for extra chicken,” I smiled.

  I plunked down on the couch and relaxed for the first time in days. I didn’t think about anything other than the smell of cinnamon potpourri that my aunt adored. Taking a paper plate from my mom, I popped open the box of pizza on the coffee table, while my aunt looked at the video we had rented.

  “License to Drive,” she read. “I love the Coreys.”

  I smiled at my aunt’s enthusiasm and settled into the couch.

  Halfway through the pizza, Sarah turned to me. “Your mom told me about your dance. Did you have fun?” she asked. She was always interested in my life at school.

  “It was fun,” I admitted. “I’m glad I went.”

  “I remember the last dance I went to. Joey Sumners told everyone that I had a crush on Mike Lewis and it spread like wildfire. I was mortified because it was completely true. I spent the entire time crying in the bathroom. It was a mess. When I finally came out, Mike was standing there waiting for me. Apparently, he had heard about the rumor. The best part was that he already liked me, though I had no idea. He asked me to dance and we dated for two months. I later thanked Joey for spreading the rumor and getting Mike to ask me out,” Sarah laughed, throwing her hands into the air.

  I couldn’t help but laugh at her excitement. Everything my aunt talked about was interesting and I envied her life. She didn’t date very often, but seemed content to live her life the way she wanted. She saw life from a dif
ferent perspective than most and tried to enjoy every moment.

  When my mom went to the bathroom, she leaned in and smiled like a kid on Christmas morning. “Was there a boy involved? Your mom said no, but someone must have asked you out by now. You’re a beautiful girl and there has to be some boy who adores you,” she giggled.

  I almost broken down and told her the truth, but I wasn’t sure if she would snitch to my mother. I couldn’t take the chance, but I did tell her a bit of the truth.

  “No, but there is a boy that I like. Don’t tell mom because she’ll just harass me and tell me to ask him out. I don’t need the stress, but I’m hoping that someday he’ll notice me,” I said as I looked down at the beige couch.

  She clapped her hands. “I knew there had to be someone you were interested in dating. What’s he like?”

  I proceeded to list Zack’s qualities and told her about his amazing eyes. She was thrilled when she heard how tall he was. I could never understand my family’s obsession with finding a tall man, like it was a huge deal that they could reach things on high shelves or change lightbulbs without a ladder.

  My aunt’s cheering was cut short when my mom returned. She winked at me and pretended to seal her lips and toss the key away. I couldn’t help but laugh at her silliness. She was nothing like my mother, who bore the weight of the world on her shoulders. They were completely different in every way, even in their looks. If I saw the two of them on the street, I would never believe that they were related.

  Rubbing my eyes, I dreaded going home. I was happy for the first time in a while and I wasn’t ready to ruin it. I needed something to look forward to.

  “Can I stay over on Friday night?” I asked my aunt. We sometimes had sleepovers on non-school nights, followed by trips to the mall.

  Sarah was beaming as she nodded in agreement. “There’s this new Chinese restaurant that I want to order from, so remind me to stop by and get a menu. Oh, and I need new sneakers, so we will have to hit the mall on Saturday morning,” she said rubbing her hands together, trying to contain herself. “You don’t mind letting her sleep over, do you Rebecca?”

  My mom shook her head while searching for her keys. “I don’t mind.”

  I was relieved that I had secured a normal night to myself. I thanked my aunt and told her that I would find a good movie for our slumber party.

  I was sure that Phil would find a reason to object to my sleepover, but I didn’t care. I needed time to myself to think about everything that had happened with Zack. If I was going to continue to see him, I needed to concoct a plan so that I would survive without having a nervous breakdown.

  Chapter 12

  The rest of the week passed in a blur of tests, gossip about two other people who were now dating, and lunches with Zack. Megan had finally seen Todd again, so she was busy recounting every second in his presence, while I dutifully listened and asked the appropriate questions. With Zack at football practice most afternoons, I wasn’t able to see him much. I thought about what he said about my triggers and began to painfully formulate the list of things that I didn’t like. It was depressing, but the reason behind the list made me smile. He wanted to be able to spend time with me without upsetting me. I didn’t want to call him my boyfriend, since we hadn’t had that conversation, but it was the kind of thing that a boyfriend, or rather a boyfriend who understood my problems, would do. I appreciated the thought and wanted to make sure that I didn’t do anything to upset him, especially after seeing how he had cringed when Heather touched his arm.

  Heather, thankfully, hadn’t said anything about the dance and avoided eye contact with me whenever possible. She went out of her way to avoid Zack, which he was happy about, though he felt bad about it. I was proud of my small victory, but I was also feeling a little guilty. I shouldn’t have shoved her against the locker. I made a mental note to clear the air with her at some point, lest she devise more rumors about Zack and me out of spite.

  Friday afternoon, I jumped into my aunt’s car and took a deep breath. I was free for the night. There was no better feeling in the world, except for kissing Zack. Though I had been smiling on the inside, this was the first time that I could outwardly smile without being questioned.

  “What are you so happy about?” Sarah asked in her silly voice, implying that she wanted to be in on the joke.

  “I’m happy that I get to spend time with you,” I shrugged as if it was obvious.

  She did a little dance in her seat and threw the car into reverse. “Then let’s get stared.”

  After ordering from the Chinese Palace, we sat down to watch Sixteen Candles. We were laughing so hard that we had trouble eating our food, which often happened. My aunt had an infectious laugh and an exuberance for life that made me feel happy to be around her.

  “Tell me all about the dance now that your mom isn’t here,” she said as she put her plate on the coffee table and crossed her legs on the couch, expecting juicy details.

  I shrugged. “There was drama because one of my friends wanted the guy she’s been hanging out with to go to the dance, but he bailed on her.” I decided to give her the basic information, something that wouldn’t get me in trouble.

  She rolled her eyes. “There’s always drama. What else happened?”

  “I danced with my friends and ate chips. Nothing really exciting happened,” I lied gracefully.

  She shook her head. “Your mom said that you were really excited to go. I know you like going to dances, but she said that you were over the moon about something. She assumed that you had a date or at least liked someone enough to try to get his attention. That’s why she helped you with your hair and makeup,” she giggled conspiratorially.

  I blanched at the revelation. “That’s why she helped me?” I was annoyed and angry, though I did acknowledge that it was a nice thing to do for someone who wasn’t in my situation.

  Nodding her head, she winked at me. “I promise that I won’t tell your mom if you did dance with someone. She just wants you to have fun, whereas I want to hear the details and relive my life through you,” she chuckled.

  I closed my eyes and debated if I should tell her about Zack. I wanted to talk to someone, but there were too many details that I needed to work around, like the reason for my panic attack. I hated talking about myself because there were always too many things I had to lie about.

  Seeing her manic excitement over the thought of me dancing with someone, I finally nodded my head. “Yes, I was there with someone. His name is Zack and he’s new in school. He’s the guy that I told you about.”

  She clapped her hands and bounced around. “I knew it! Oh honey, I’m so happy for you. This time in your life is supposed to be filled with drama, dances, and boys; otherwise, it’s not fun. Now, you have tell me what really happened at the dance.”

  I sighed and thought about the things that I could discuss. Rubbing my hands together, I launched into my description of the dance decorations and the costume he wore to match mine. I avoided telling her about our meetings in the woods because I didn’t want my mom to know that I was sneaking out. There were certain things that even a normal teen would omit from a conversation like this, which made me laugh a little.

  “He sounds wonderful and gorgeous. Does he like you back?” she asked, grinning like a fool.

  “Yeah, he likes me too. There was this horrible girl who tried to force him to like her, but I helped him avoid her. I was really excited when he picked me, you know? I didn’t have to chase him or do something ridiculous to get his attention, like some of the other girls I’ve seen. He just likes me,” I smiled. I felt warm inside when I realized that it was true. I didn’t have to stand on my head to get his attention. He had already been looking at me.

  She high fived me and stood up to take our plates to the kitchen. “That’s wonderful. I’m so excited for you. I have to know, has he kissed you?” she asked, beaming at the idea.

  I faltered when I remembered how he was crying in the woods. I had
hurt him, though I hadn’t intended to do so. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to confess to that yet, so I kept to my story about the dance. “We were just happy to dance with each other. It was a weird night, so we were okay with hanging out.”

  Her skipping and hopping made me feel better about telling her some of what happened.

  Placing the dishes into the sink, she looked at me over her shoulder. “Why didn’t you tell your mom? Don’t get me wrong, my mother didn’t know about half of the things I did, but this sounds mom-friendly enough. She would be happy to know that you danced with someone.”

  My heart sank when the answer formed on my lips. “I don’t want Phil to know,” I replied. My aunt understood Phil enough to know that he disapproved of me having a life. She assumed that he was old-fashioned in his thinking, like how a man needed to ask the father’s permission to marry his daughter, or how a girl needed an escort while being courted like in the 1800s and early 1900s. I figured it was better for her to believe that he was a stick in the mud instead of what he really was.

  “Oh,” she said, her happiness deflating. “He’s a piece of work, isn’t he?” She scrunched her nose and curled up her lip. She flipped her long blonde hair over her shoulder and frowned.

  I rolled my eyes and agreed with her general assessment of him.

  “I don’t know why your mother stays with him. He sucks the air out of the room. I see how she acts around him, as if she’s on pins and needles. I know he provides for the two of you, but I can’t understand how she puts up with him. You shouldn’t have to deal with that too. You should be able to hang out with your friends and go to the diner and gossip at the movie theater. Most of all, you should be able to talk to your mother about your life without worrying if he will find out that you actually had fun,” she said, tapping her foot and folding her arms.