Flicker and Mist

by Mary G. Thompson

  “You are strong,” she said. “That is why you must leave us. It’s time for you to be with your people.”

  “My people? The Lefties?” I let go of her hands, keeping whatever she had given me balled in my fist. “I don’t know them. I’ve never met your mother. What do they mean to me?” I was nearly shouting. Caster’s question replayed in my head. Are you a Plat or aren’t you?

  “They are your family,” my mother said.

  “So what, Momma?” I closed my eyes, breathed deeply. She wished me to curb my emotions, yet once again she provoked them.

  “It’s that boy, isn’t it?” she said. “A boy, Myra, his son?”

  “You seemed happy for me,” I said, my eyes still closed.

  “That was before I ended up here,” she said. “Before he became a target twice over.”

  “Twice?” I asked.

  “Do you think the assassin meant to kill Orphos when he could have killed a Ripkin? Think, Myra.”

  It was true. Caster had been just in front of Orphos. It could have been Monster who landed on the deadly spot. The man who had likely killed Orphos had tried to kill Caster today. And he had gotten away, dissolving into thin air.

  “You are in danger on two fronts in that man’s home,” my mother said.

  I opened my eyes to find her looking at me. She raised both eyebrows, trying to say something in silence. I knew she was trying to ask, Why are you practicing your breathing? What has happened?

  I took another deep breath. “I’m learning to protect myself,” I said. “At times my emotions have gotten the better of me, but I didn’t embarrass myself in front of anyone except Caster and Porti.”

  “With my mother, you will not have to worry about any of these issues,” she said. I could almost see inside her body, see the twisting and turning that was happening at the same time inside me. I could feel our throats constricting together as she finished her sentence with a slight wheeze. I had never realized what she went through, what it took to be her.

  “Do you want me to go?” I looked at my father, hoping to see a disagreement, but he watched me sadly.

  “Myra, your mother is right. You must go where you’ll be safe. When I get leave for us, we’ll join you. We won’t be separated for too long.” I could tell that my mother didn’t share his optimism, but they had agreed she wouldn’t say so. I understood that my mother wanted us to say our goodbyes, believing she would be dipped. My father would not entertain the idea, believing the Council Members still to be his friends. He thought the Deputy would keep me safe. He was not sure I should leave yet. But in the many hours together in adjoining cells, they had come up with a plan for what to say to me.

  “I can hear all,” I said. “You can’t hide from me. I will have to make my own choice.”

  “You must go,” my mother said. “Now more than ever.” She meant that with my new flickering problem, I was even less safe. That was true, but it was also true that she had survived in New Heart City for almost my entire life and that she had never slipped once, not even in front of my father or me. If she could do it, I could. Though my stomach and my throat and all my organs suffered.

  “Momma.” I touched her hair, putting a stray back in place. It popped out again. “I need to think. Can we talk about something else?”

  She brushed the hair back with her own hand. Her eyes said all she would have said out loud. I was a foolish girl even to think about staying. If she were not behind bars, she would load me into a cart and tie it to two hefty beasts and let them drag me out of the city whether I wished it or not. If my father objected, she would tie him to the cart too. She would do anything to get her way, to remove us from a world where we were not welcome.

  I was almost glad she was behind bars.

  She didn’t say anything. She knew I had heard her.

  I told them about the funeral, about Shrill’s horns and the way the coffin skimmed along the water, and about the paintings in my new room and the superior pastries and how Porti had hand-altered the dress I wore. My father and I talked about the wind and the rising ocean and who would have won the stone toss and the footraces and the ritual swim. When I left, I hugged each one of them as best I could between the bars, not knowing when I would next see them. My mother’s hug was tighter than I thought possible.

  “You know what to do,” she said. But I didn’t.

  I rode back to the Deputy’s in silence, next to Caster but not touching him. I kept whatever my mother had given me in my hand, not daring to find out what it was.

  From THE BOOK OF THE WATERS

  For what purpose did the Waters create me? This question plagues the minds of all people, and the Waters will answer in their own time.

  Twenty

  BY THE TIME WE REACHED “HOME,” I HAD COME TO at least one conclusion: I couldn’t dismiss my mother’s fears. I didn’t know if I was a Plat, as I had always believed, or a Leftie, because of the way people now treated me. I didn’t know if I would attempt to escape to the Eye. But the Deputy had betrayed my father and tested my mother and acted just as she had predicted in all things. I had to get in contact with my grandmother and find out if there was an escape route for me. I had to go to the beast stalls and find Nolan, and my mind turned over ideas for how I could sneak out of the apartment.

  When I entered, I was accosted by the sound of Sky’s voice in the sitting room. Through the door, I saw he was physically there, pressing a receiver in Porti’s face.

  “You must have seen something,” Sky said.

  “It happened very fast,” Porti said coldly. “Thank the Waters he didn’t succeed.”

  Caster and I tried to rush by the sitting room, but Sky spotted us. “Ah, citizens, we’re in luck! Here are Mr. Ripkin himself and the hero of the hour, Miss Myra Hailfast. Miss Hailfast, please, join us.”

  Porti rolled her eyes at me.

  I walked in slowly. Sky crossed the room to meet me and pushed the receiver into my face.

  “We’ve heard you kicked the attacker. Is that true?”

  “I suppose,” I said.

  “You suppose? Why, the lady is too modest. If not for you, the attacker’s blade might have found Mr. Ripkin’s heart. Is that not true?”

  “I don’t know,” I said.

  “She saved my life,” Caster said shortly from behind me. “Now, be so good as to save your own and leave my apartment.”

  “Ah, Mr. Ripkin, has the brush with death taken some of your good cheer?” asked Sky, making no motion to leave. I recalled that this was the usual time for the Deputy or the Council to speak to the people. The man probably had permission to be here.

  Caster turned to the two guardsmen who still followed us. Brach appeared from a hallway but pretended he didn’t see me.

  Suddenly I had an overwhelming urge to tell the world that I had attacked a Flickerkin and saved a Plat’s life. I took the receiver and looked directly at Brach as I spoke.

  “I saw the dagger appear in thin air as Caster kneeled before the Waters, mourning our friend,” I said. “I kicked where I imagined the man’s knee to be, and that gave Caster a chance to grab the weapon. It was a small kick, but I suppose that’s all it takes against an invisible coward.”

  “And where did the man go?” Sky asked.

  “Unfortunately, he got away,” I said. “But the citizens need not worry. He can be felled by a simple ladies’ boot.”

  Sky took the receiver back. “That was the brave lady Miss Myra Hailfast speaking to us about her heroic action to save the life of Deputy Ripkin’s son today during the horrific and brazen attack at the boy’s funeral. Thank you, Miss Hailfast. Mr. Ripkin, how did it feel to see the dagger shining above you?”

  “Out! Or I’ll don a set of ladies’ boots and test out Myra’s method on your hindparts.” Caster grabbed the receiver. “Good day, citizens of New Heart City. I appreciate your support, but as you can imagine, this has been a hard day that is not yet over. May the Waters carry my friend Orphos.” With th
at, he smashed the receiver against the wall.

  “That’s an expensive piece—” Sky began mildly.

  “Has it happened lately that your best friend has exploded in front of your eyes?” Caster said. “I found his entrails to be disturbing. I don’t much like daggers shining above me, by the way, but it’s better than holding parts of your friend in your arms. Compared to that, I prefer being attacked by floating weapons.”

  “Mr. Ripkin—”

  “Goodbye, Sky,” Porti said.

  Caster strode out of the room, not looking back.

  While Caster was off somewhere stewing and Porti was assisting the guardsmen in ushering the radio man out, I was finally able to escape to my room, open my left fist, and see what my mother had given me. With cramped fingers, I uncurled a sheet of paper that was now damp with sweat. It looked to be a blank end page torn from a book. The black lettering was tiny but readable, in my mother’s careful, controlled hand.

  Kopan Myra,

  I have no space for soft words. You cannot live as a Plat. You are a Leftie and a Flickerkin. My mother, Pinwin Urstel, is a leader of the movement to gain back the prezine mines. She will already be near the city. They mean to demonstrate outside the gate and demand rights for all Lefties. There is another war brewing, and when it begins, you will not be safe with Nelston Ripkin or in New Heart City. You must put aside your Plat love of status and find Nolan Drachman. He will lead you to your true friends.

  Here my mother had run out of space, and I had to flip the paper over. For a minute I was too angry to read it. My Plat love of status? She had married a future Council Member. Had she chosen to collect garbage or serve food? But she was still Momma. I continued reading. Her print became tinier.

  All of our lives, I have longed to share with you the beauty of our true selves, the wonder and the joy of changing from one state to another. You do not know anything of how the Waters meant for us to be.

  When I married your father, I resolved that I would never have children. I thought they would always be in danger—​a sad life. I also feared the Waters, Myra. I half believed the priests who preached that the Waters had separated Leftie and Plat. But when I saw you for the first time, I knew they were all wrong, and I had been wrong. You are here for a reason. Today, only the Waters know. Tomorrow, perhaps the whole Upland will see it. I love you very much, Myra. More than you will probably understand unless you have a daughter of your own.

  Momman

  Her resolution not to waste space on soft words had dissolved. She believed these would be her last words to me. I never wanted a child. I had not realized until this moment that I still took those words so much to heart. And now she admitted she had been wrong. She wanted me.

  It was not safe to keep this note. I had to act or I would let emotion destroy me. I ripped it in two. She knew about Nolan. I ripped again. My grandmother was somewhere near—​with more Flickerkin. I ripped. There might be a war coming. I ripped again. Not only unrest and oppression and unfairness but more death. I kept ripping until the note was in tiny pieces. I stuffed the pieces in a drawer just as Porti came in.

  “That man,” she said. “He began asking me about my walk off the field as if he suddenly admires it. I suppose every Leftie must rescue an important Plat, and then things will be all right.”

  “He’ll forget my heroism the next time a light flickers or a beast escapes,” I said.

  “What happened at the jail?” she asked.

  I told her about my ride there with Caster and what my parents had said. But I couldn’t tell her about the note. I couldn’t reveal all these secrets that weren’t mine to tell.

  “They want me to go to the Eye,” I said.

  “That’s too much to put on you,” she said. “How are you supposed to get there? Just ride out on Hoof alone? It seems safer to stay here with us.”

  “I know,” I said. “I don’t understand my mother sometimes. Her fear overwhelms her.” I hated to lie to Porti. But I had to see Nolan now. I would fall back on the excuse that had always worked for me.

  “I just want to ride,” I said. “I can’t make a decision in this room. I’ve been trapped in these walls unable to move.”

  “The guardsmen have been instructed not to let you out,” she said. “I heard the Deputy chastising them before you came.”

  I couldn’t tell Porti about how Brach had attacked me, since it would reveal Nolan. But I stifled a shiver to think that Brach was among those who were supposed to be protecting me or holding me captive, whichever it was. I also couldn’t say that perhaps the Deputy’s chastisement had been all for show, that he wanted me to leave and lead them straight to the Flickerkin—​a hope I now knew was justified. The Deputy might know as much about my grandmother’s activities as my mother did, perhaps more. All he needed was her whereabouts.

  “That man Brach hates Lefties,” I said. “I won’t give him a chance to catch me.”

  “Use your invisibility,” she said.

  “There are sensors at the door,” I said. “And even if I can pass them, invisibility doesn’t let me pass through large, hateful men blocking the way.”

  “There are no sensors there,” she said, pointing to the window.

  “Nor does the invisibility cushion one’s fall.”

  “We’ll use a sheet,” Porti said. “I’ll lower you down. It will look to the outside as if I’m simply airing a sheet out the window. A very ordinary thing.”

  “Porti, you are a genius.” I smiled, possibly for the first time that day.

  “When you need to come up, throw a stone at the window.”

  “Doesn’t Member Solis make you come home?”

  Porti shrugged. “She hasn’t spoken to me all day. Don’t worry, I’ll be here when you get back.” I should have questioned Porti more on that point; she had given up so much for me. But I couldn’t stay in that room another minute with my mother’s words burned into my brain. I had to begin to figure out how to escape.

  I felt better once I had flickered—​I barely made it to the ground without giggling. I felt not only invisible but light, as if my cares had faded away. It’s only the flicker affecting you, I thought, recalling how I had felt the first time. But I didn’t care. Guardsmen on the street were carrying handheld boxes and swept them this way and that over the sidewalks, but I could see the beams. This nearly made me laugh out loud. They were bright green, easy to avoid. Easy for the murderer to avoid as well, I thought, but the implications of this floated away. I ducked under a beam to get through the stable gate, and walking light on my feet, I made it to Hoof’s stall in no time. All, I was sure, without being followed. Perhaps the Deputy didn’t know that I was a Flickerkin after all.

  Nolan was there, sitting against the wall, ghostly, next to a half empty bucket of water. He was eating a large roasted fowl leg that must have appeared to float in the air. As I entered, Hoof nuzzled against me.

  “So you know me,” I said, rubbing her head. “I’m glad.” I laughed, finally able to let it out.

  “I see you’re not used to flickering yet,” Nolan said.

  “Perhaps,” I said. “Or perhaps I’m happy to see a friend who won’t judge me.”

  Hoof mooed softly.

  “We’re going for a ride,” I said.

  “Now?” Nolan asked.

  “Yes, now,” I said. “I’ve had a note from my mother. She says she knows you. Why didn’t you tell me?” I tried to be angry, but I couldn’t. I nuzzled my nose against Hoof’s.

  “I don’t know her,” he said. “My parents have told me what she wants.”

  “You saw them?” I asked.

  His ghostly mouth twisted. Perhaps he was smiling.

  “Never mind, then,” I said. “What does she want? I know what she told me, but what did your parents tell you?”

  “They want me to help you find your family, if you ask it,” he said. “Is that why you’re here?” He took another bite of his meat. As the piece entered his mouth, it becam
e invisible too, part of his ghost face. It would be a great trick to play on children, the disappearing fowl leg. What fun it would have been to be invisible as a child. This thought struck me so hard that I nearly fell into Hoof. My unaccountable lightness suddenly shifted to sorrow. I had missed out on so much fun. Tears rolled down my face onto Hoof’s hairy cheek.

  She mooed softly.

  “I know, Hoofy,” I said. “I’m a mess.”

  “Focus, Myra,” Nolan said. “Do you want to find your family?”

  “Yes,” I said. I wiped my tears off Hoof’s fur. “I’m supposed to find my grandmother, Pinwin Urstel. Do you know where she is?”

  “Yes, I know,” said Nolan.

  “I’m not running away, though,” I said. “I’m only going to see her, and then I’ll come back.”

  “Are you sure—”

  “Porti is waiting for me,” I said.

  “And Caster Ripkin?” He tossed the bone into the trash bin with a crash that was too loud to be safe.

  “Yes, and Caster,” I said. I thought of how he hadn’t touched me lately, and it should have made me burst into tears, but my erratic feelings were back on an upswing. I didn’t feel sad about it; I felt strangely detached.

  “It will be safer to walk,” Nolan said. “If we must make it there and back in one night, a ride will be faster, but we risk someone trying to catch Hoof.”

  “She’s the fastest beast in the Upland,” I said. I knew that he was right to worry, but my cares were flowing away from me. If this was an effect of the invisibility, I was glad for it.

  “Can she carry us both?” he asked.

  “I think he wishes to be close to me, Hoofy,” I said, laughing. “He has murdered a fowl leg out of jealousy.”