Broken Lens

by Shannon Dermott

Her eyes lifted heavenward before she laughed. “Don’t worry about my father. I’ve made him promise not to speak to you. I’ll be your direct manager.”

  “Sounds good to me.”

  “We don’t have any scheduled appointments today but we could always have walk-ins. I’ll be back at six to close up and then I’ll see you on Tuesday.”

  I nodded and sat myself behind the counter in front of the computer. I hadn’t come prepared, but there were some assignments I could do with the use of the internet. Only after she left, I found myself stalking the passersby in search of Jess.

  The afternoon remained quiet. A family with a one-year-old headed for lunch stopped in. Surprising them that I was free to work them in, I spent an hour of coaxing the little one for a smile to get them the pictures they wanted.

  Just as the sun began to set, I saw her. She stepped out of a car as if she couldn’t have walked here. Dickwad held her door open and helped her out of the car like the gentleman I wanted to be. When he put his hands on the small of her back, I got to my feet without realizing I’d moved.

  The door rattled on its hinges as I pushed through it. I moved quickly and decisively in the direction of my girl. The dick had his back turned, closing the passenger door and dealing with the valet. Parking wasn’t plentiful on the street, but there was a modicum of parking out back. Mara had warned me not to use the complimentary valet service because it was for customers of the shopping center, not employees.

  With other foot traffic and a few cars passing by, she didn’t hear my approach. I threaded my arms through hers and around her waist. As her head shot up, my lips brushed against her neck.

  “Jess,” I whispered against her skin.

  Immediately, she flushed.

  “Ethan.” Her words were choked as effected as I was by our closeness.

  Dickwad turned and I relished his surprise.

  “You,” he practically sneered.

  Jess tried to stand straight, but my hold on her didn’t allow any movement. I had her in my arms, and I would enjoy every second of it.

  “Ethan, let me go,” she whispered.

  As much as I didn’t want to, I wouldn’t totally disregard her wishes. As soon as my hands were at my sides, she had already stepped forward and swung around. Her hair was in mid-swing when her face shifted into a mask of anger and resentment.

  “Jessica,” the dick said.

  She snapped over her shoulder, “Give us a minute. I’ll meet you inside.”

  Her words barked out like she was giving orders and not requesting his compliance. The pussy he was, he nodded and headed into the Italian restaurant next door. She waited until the door closed behind the guy before she laid into me.

  “What’s going on? Are you following me?”

  There was so much I needed to tell her, but I wasn’t about to announce it on the street.

  “I was there,” I said gesturing over my shoulder with my thumb. When Jess’s eyes went wide, I glanced over my shoulder to see Mara. She appeared shell-shocked having stumbled into the disaster that was my life. I closed my eyes for a second before facing Jess again. I heard the jingle over the door that let me know Mara had gone inside to give us some privacy; such as it was with us standing in the middle of a public sidewalk.

  “Great,” she said. “So, you can move on but I can’t.”

  “It’s not what you think.” As the words left my mouth, I heard millions of other misunderstood guys say the same thing.

  “You know what Ethan…” She hadn’t wanted an answer, so I wisely kept my mouth shut. “You are the only guy I’ve ever been with. And you’ve had how many under you?” She wasn’t yelling, but she might as well have been. “And I’m supposed to turn the other cheek while you add another to your list.” There wasn’t a right answer. Thus, I continued to allow her to release the hurt off her chest. “Don’t you think it’s only fair that maybe I have my turn at being with someone else.”

  “Jess.” The word poured out of my mouth on a ragged breath.

  “I don’t want to know what is going on between you and that girl.”

  “She would be into you not me,” I couldn’t resist saying.

  Her eyes grew large before they narrowed again. “Whatever. I’m not going to ask. Everyone is probably wondering where I am. And you showing up every weekend isn’t helping. I need some space. And if you can’t give it to me, then I’ll be forced to tell you that there can’t be a chance for us.”

  She didn’t give me an opportunity to answer. She spun around and stalked into the restaurant without a backward glance. I closed my mouth and felt the thin line of my lips as I choked down all the words I hadn’t been able to say. I turned with my head still spinning as if I were seeing stars and headed into the studio wondering if I should quit. Mara’s sympathetic eyes greeted me on the way in.

  Ultimately, I didn’t quit. I needed the extra cash for gas money if nothing else. And it gave me something to do. I’d managed to complete a couple of class assignments before the debacle while earning some cash. Outside of my forced volunteer work at the museum, it was the only job I’d ever held.

  By the time I got to the dorm, I saw in disbelief the sock on the knob. I groaned because that was Bear’s bat signal that he was getting laid.

  “It looks like you need a place to crash.”

  I turned and attached the voice to a girl that continued to save me.

  “I’m watching 8o’s movies with my roommate.” Meghan stood in a tee shirt with a printed keyboard spread across her chest. The words that blazed above it said Push My Buttons.

  She bounced on her toes as if she had ants in her pants. That movement had been what drew my attention to lower than her face.

  However, it was her words made me stop breathing for a second. I managed the polite response. “Which one?” 80s movies had been Jess and her friends’ thing. We watched a lot of them over the past year.

  “St. Elmo’s Fire,” she said. “You can hang out with us until Bear’s comes up for air.”

  There were many reasons to say no, yet my mouth said, “Sure. Why not.”

  She appeared as stunned as I felt. It was almost as if she only offered because she was sure I would turn her down. What was I doing? Her hand went to her face and the tip of her finger went in her mouth to gently bite before she sashayed by in the direction of her room.

  I wasn’t about to cross any lines. I had no real place to go unless I wanted to walk across campus to the library. I could be friends with a girl. I had been friends with a girl once. Allie. Then again, we’d crossed so many lines that was a bad example.

  The walk to her room was short. I ended up sitting on her desk chair my only option other than her bed where she sat. Her roommate had given me the once over without saying a word before turning her attention back to the movie in progress. That made things awkward at first, but I found myself drawn into the movie unexpectedly. It had been a distraction move to get away from my own horrible thoughts about Jess. However, the movie turned out to be like a page out of my life. Again it was about a group of college friends who couldn’t have been more different. Each person was from a different walk of life with different goals. They all seemed to have something like money, fame, music, future, beauty, but all loathed themselves to some level of destruction.

  When I left, I analyzed my own life. Had I fallen hard and fast for the first girl to show me any kindness? Didn’t she deserve someone not quite as screwed up as I was? Maybe I needed to let her go and find someone else. Maybe the dick was the better man. Maybe he had more to offer her. And shouldn’t I love her enough to want her to be happy even if it was with someone else?

  I had a lot of questions. My fingers twirled my phone in my hand. I’d left Meghan and her roommate without incident. My dick remained in check, and I hadn’t had to reprimand it. Setting my phone down, I closed my eyes and forced my brain to think of something else besides Jess. In her place another blonde popped in my mind. And I wondered if my me
mories would forever haunt me.

  fifteen

  two years ago

  Even I was puzzled by the satisfying smirk I could feel on my face as I watched Carly get in her car. I finally closed the door after she pulled out of the drive.

  Something had been building between us. Something different I hadn’t experienced with another girl. I wanted to know her, and that had never been more evident before last night. After showing her the gardens that night at the party, we’d done nothing more than make-out. I hadn’t even copped a feel.

  Last night, when she came over, I was prepared for almost anything except what went down. After she left, I didn’t think I’d ever felt closer to any girl before. When she arrived with tears in her eyes and a story about her uncle that made me want to get my dad’s gun, I hadn’t expected the night to take the turn that it did. We went from making out on the couch to fumbling our way back to the guest room near the back door to the pool.

  There was a moment during it all when she grabbed my hand and surprised me by what she wanted. The thought died when I turned and met Dad’s eyes.

  “She seems like a nice girl. Cute too.”

  “She’s is.” The grin seemed unnatural. How could I be so happy after the conversation we had? Then again, it could be all that we’d done after that had me grinning ear to ear.

  “You’re using protection right?” His brow arched.

  “Dad,” I admonished, shaking my head as I tried to move by him. “We are so not having this conversation. That ship has sailed.”

  With a hand pressed against my chest in an effort to stop my retreat, he gave me a stern look. “Son, girls can have agendas.”

  “What agenda? We’re still in high school.” I tried to laugh it off, hoping to end this dead end convo.

  He didn’t look deterred. “If you need—”

  I shook my head with my fervor. “I have what I need and she needs nothing from me. She’s a movie star.” That was stretching the truth. She would be on the big screen at some point. As of right now, she was shooting a TV series.

  “All movie stars aren’t wealthy. And you, my son, are wealthy. You’ll see that as you get older girls will gravitate to you because of your bank account. Her eyes were wide when she gazed around the place.”

  Annoyed, I said, “So that’s all girls want from me is my money?”

  “Well no. You’re a good looking guy. You’re my son aren’t you?” He wore an amused but smug expression. “The money is an added bonus. You can have the girl of your choosing. Just remember, looks aren’t everything. They fade with time. If you don’t like something other than how the girl looks, you’ll lose interest.”

  “Like you did with Mom?”

  I was treading on thin ice. Mom and Dad had been fighting a lot lately. The arguments had ratcheted up.

  Dad paled slightly. “I love your mother. What’s going on with us is complicated.”

  “So you’re cheating on her?”

  It was a question I wondered about. Mom had accused Dad of that almost every time they fought. I wasn’t sure why I was fighting on her behalf. She acted as though I didn’t exist. I couldn’t help but think that maybe she was mad at me because I reminded her too much of him.

  “It’s good you’re fighting for your mother. Especially since…” He drifted off. I knew what he was going to say. “No son, I’m not cheating on your mother. Things at work are a little crazy. I have a lot I need to do, which means out of town meetings I have to attend in order to keep my company going. The recession isn’t good for business, and a lot of investors need personal attention to keep them happy. I’m doing all of this for you and your mother. I want the best for you both.”

  His cell rang, and he glanced at the screen.

  “I have to take this.” He held up a finger to stop any further conversation. The expression he wore while glancing at his phone was one of worry. I hadn’t seen Dad’s smile in ages. Before he answered, he said to me, “You and I should go to the lake and do some fishing this weekend.”

  I nodded, and he gave me the barest of smiles. As he began to walk away, he answered.

  “Jack, what’s going on?” His voice drifted away as he headed upstairs to his office.

  I waited a beat before going to the kitchen and grabbing an energy drink. I hadn’t slept much. Carly had spent the night. Either Dad didn’t know or didn’t care.

  Mom spoke, and I hadn’t heard her approach. The drink spilled a little as my hands shook when she surprised me at my back.

  “I know that slut spent the night last night.”

  I closed my eyes before turning around and facing the music.

  “Don’t think about bringing any babies home. I’m not taking care of any brats.”

  I didn’t bother responding. There was no winning with her. Besides, I had nothing to say in my defense. Unfortunately, she eyed me, waiting for a response.

  “I won’t,” I managed while rooted to the floor.

  “Good,” she retorted with a sneer. Her lip curled as if she planned to snarl at me. She tapped the pack while her eyes held me in place. When she pulled out a cigarette and glanced away for a second, I found my feet. I hurried out the room feeling as if I had a tail curled between my legs.

  sixteen

  As if I were an extra on a zombie movie set, my movements were robotic at best. I attended class like a sleepwalker. I was moving, but I wasn’t really there. I did all the requisite things like go to class, eat and go to practice to keep my scholarship. My mind, however, wasn’t invested in any of it.

  My helmet was in one hand and the other on the doorknob to head to my new job when my phone rang. Just before I picked up, I noticed the manila envelope that I hadn’t yet opened. I kept my eyes on it as I spoke into the phone.

  “Cooper.” I tried my best to sound alive.

  From the other end of the line, Bradley said, “Your joke is getting old.”

  “Then give me some new material.” The comment was dry because I knew why he called.

  “I’ve got bad news bro.”

  For a second, I held my breath knowing I could predict his next words.

  “She’s decided to give that asshole a shot. She said you embarrassed her so much she feels obligated to go out with the guy.”

  I spread my hand over my face before pinching my temples with my fingers. I felt a well of emotions spread from my nose to my eyes. A faint burn caused my eyes to fill with moisture I held back. What a pussy I’d become. With a steady voice, I said, “Good for her.”

  “You don’t have to bullshit me, man. She still loves you.”

  I let out a huff of air. “Love apparently isn’t enough. Look, I’ve gotta go.”

  “Ethan.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Don’t give up on her. The two of you are good together.”

  “She’s too good for me. It’s about time I realize that.”

  I cut off the conversation with the end button. If I’d said more, I would have given myself away with cracked words that would have been choked out from my throat. If my heart had a body, it would have suffered from a decapitation. I turned my ringer to vibrate and headed to my bike. The drive to work suffered from thoughts heavy from everything swirling in my head. I warred with what I should do and what I wanted to do. I should let Jess go. Move on and live freely in the moment. Yet, the tightness in my chest wouldn’t allow me to give up without more of a fight. I needed to know exactly where Jess’s head was. The love I felt for her, I couldn’t shake regardless of my bravado to Bradley. It was real and unlike anything I’d experienced before.

  By the time I got to the studio, I had to force a smile for Mara. Her smirk couldn’t crack the cemented frown on my face. She was dressed in full goth gear not to mention the heavy black lined eyes and a dark stain on her lips.

  “Date?” I found myself asking. At least one of us might be having one.

  Her sly grin said more than her non-answer.

  “You have a couple
of appointments lined up tonight. Should keep you busy.”

  “Roger that,” was all I could muster.

  After she’d left, I spent the next hour of free time studying until I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to give it one more shot. Taking the coward's way, I texted Jess.

  Me: Can we talk?

  When my phone immediately vibrated in my hand, I picked it up without bothering to look at the screen.

  “Hello,” I said, sounding nervous and unsure. Jess held the key to my heart, and I was ready to admit I was less of a man without her in my life.

  “Ethan, this is Ed Hunt.”

  I deflated when I realized it was the prosecutor and not Jess. I’d been expecting his call at some point. He couldn’t have had worse timing. With everything going on, I’d briefly forgotten about the pending trial.

  “We are hoping you could come down this Friday for a deposition.”

  “It’s beginning?”

  “Yes. I’d been able to use just your statements up to this point. I’ll call Jessica Shelby next.”

  “Allie?” I asked.

  There was a long pause. “No, Allie won’t be there.”

  It sounded like he had more to say but couldn’t tell me. Anger at Allie flared up. She’d claimed to love me so much, yet she had easily cast me aside when all this went down. I knew she’d been through hell and back. Although, no details of what actually happened to her had been released to the press. All I could do was speculate since it had been several months, and still no word from her. I wanted to be there for her like she had been there for me during the investigation of Carly’s disappearance.

  “Ethan.” Mr. Hunt sounded as though he’d been waiting for me to respond to a question.

  “Yes, I’m here.”

  “Can you make it?”

  The way he was so careful, I wondered if he thought we were in need of therapy. Mr. Miller had some twisted reason of placing the blame of everything he'd done on me, but I didn’t think about it. I had enough to worry about.

  “Yeah, sure. Friday.”

  I wondered if I should tell him about the letters I’d gotten. However, his hasty goodbye took away my chance. I started to call Jess, but he’d already said he was calling her next. So, I pulled out my laptop to work on a paper due that week. Ten minutes later, my phone vibrated again.