White Wedding

by Ursula Sinclair

  She raised her head, but already knew Ross wasn’t there. Just the thought of him put a smile on her face, and had the neurons in her lower muscles firing in anticipation of his return. As if he hadn’t already given them a work-out all night long. She remembered him saying something about needing another box of condoms. A laugh emerged from her throat. Boy, they’d been going at it like rabbits who knew the world was coming to an end. How could she be so happy? She hugged the pillow to her, inhaling his citrusy scent—a scent now covering every inch of her, and she wouldn’t have it any other way.

  When she’d landed on Margarita, she thought her life as she knew it was over. Everything she’d planned for gone. Then Ross showed up, and he changed everything. For the first time in three days she thought about her aborted wedding and Kevin. The thought caused her more regret than pain now, nothing like when she’d first found out he was gay. She did love him, and thought they’d spend the rest of their lives together. They’d known each other for years, and it was what both families had planned for and expected.

  He’d proposed to her at Thanksgiving in front of both of their families and friends. She’d always wondered if he would have asked her to marry him without their parents constantly hinting of their approval of the match, or if she would have hesitated to say yes if the “question” had been done less publicly. The fleeting thought left her mind once she saw how happy it made everyone around them. Yet, deep down there was also a sense of relief when she’d run out of the church.

  Then there was Ross. Could she love him? She didn’t know, but in a few days she felt more for him than she had in the five years she and Kevin had been together. And why did it take him five years to propose, anyway? If Ross wanted to get married, she knew he wouldn’t take five years to do it. But what Ross would or would not do shouldn’t matter. He didn’t love her and wasn’t about to marry her. Oh, he cared about her, and the sex was out of this world, but could he love her?

  She got off the bed and found her cell phone. Going back to bed, she got under the cover and turned her phone on. The missed call icon flashed with a number indicating she’d missed a hundred calls and had a hundred messages. Not bothering to check any of them she began to dial; it was time to let her family know she hadn’t fallen off the face of the planet. She never once wanted to fall, only get away to think about things. Which didn’t surprise her. She called her sister first, assuming that would be easiest.

  The first words out of her sister’s mouth had her world, once again, tumbling out of control.

  Chapter Four

  “She lied.”

  “Excuse me?” Shanna asked, confused.

  “LaToya lied,” Eboni said. “The scheming, conniving heifer.”

  “What do you mean, she lied?”

  “She wanted Kevin. She’s always wanted Kevin and made a play for him the night of your bachelorette party and got turned down. That’s why the bitch showed up drunk and late.”

  “Wait, wait. Start at the beginning. What does this have to do with Kevin and Ben?”

  “After you left, girl, all hell broke loose. I swear when Kevin came looking for you with the priest by his side, Mom stepped in front of him and punched him. Damn, never saw her so mad. Kevin’s head snapped back, then he went stock still and the priest got in front of him, ‘cause Mom was pulling her fist back to hit him again. And even with his dark skin, he’s sporting one hell of a shiner.”

  Shanna laughed, both shocked and pleased at her mother’s response. “So how is it that LaToya lied? What exactly did she lie about?”

  Eboni sighed. “She lied about what she saw happening in the changing room, and Ben confirmed it. Ben is gay and has been jonesing after Kevin for ages. He couldn’t let his best friend get married without making a play for him and letting him know how he felt. Ben was the one kissing on Kevin. Kevin pushed him away as soon as he grabbed his arms and planted a big ol’ wet one on his lips. LaToya saw the kiss and Kevin pushing him away. She neglected to mention that last part.”

  “What!” Shanna exclaimed.

  “After I found out,” Eboni replied. “I don’t know who I wanted to punch more, Ben or LaToya. And Kevin’s anger after he found out what LaToya had done was something else. I swear fire was coming out of his eyes. He told us about LaToya coming on to him and she wouldn’t take no for an answer. I know Kevin and Ben have known each other since high school. They played football, basketball, all the other sports together and Kevin claimed he never knew, never suspected Ben was gay. He just thought he was shy around women. You know, I always thought there was something about Ben. With all that blond hair and steely blue eyes, he should have been fighting women off. Instead, we rarely saw him with a woman, and never saw him with the same one more than once, usually he was by himself when he hung out with us, like Kevin’s shadow.”

  “I always wondered. I asked Kevin once if Ben was gay, and he laughed and said no way and that was the end of it. Apparently not.”

  “Well he’s been eyeing your boy even before you all got engaged. Ben told me he’s only been with men a few times but always kept coming back to Kevin.”

  “I don’t understand,” Shanna said. “Why would LaToya say what she did if Kevin had rejected her?”

  “Don’t know. Spite, maybe. LaToya left as soon as she saw Mom punch Kevin. After that, Father Thomas and Ben started talking, we turned around to look for her and she was gone. Nobody’s seen her fat ass since and if I see her, I’m gonna punch her. I know sooner or later she’ll show up again. She hasn’t even been to work at the hair salon, and no one’s heard from her. She’s either not home or not answering her door.”

  “She was booked all week, who’s handling her clients?”

  “Don’t worry, it’s taken care of,” Eboni answered.

  Shanna was grateful to her younger sister and partner. They’d started the business together when they were twenty and nineteen, ten years ago, and watched it grow.

  “Well she better hide.”

  “After Kevin calmed down, he and Ben talked things through. They’re still friends but I don’t think it will be the same. Kevin made it clear he doesn’t and has never felt that way about Ben. He does, however, love you, and he's been going crazy trying to figure out where you are. He even went to Bermuda where you were supposed to honeymoon to look for you. He just got back today.”

  “Oh my God!” It all came crashing down on her. “What have I done?”

  “Shanna? Sweetie, what’s wrong? What do you mean, what have you done? This can be fixed.”

  “I’ve…I’ve got to go.”

  There was static on the phone, then her sister’s voice again. “Kevin wants you to come home. He still wants to marry you. Why don’t you call him?”

  “I…I can’t. Not yet.”

  “What do you want me to tell him? And Mom and Dad. Now I have to tell them you called and you’re okay, but what about Kevin?”

  “Tell them I’ll call again later today or tomorrow with my plans. Tell Kevin…tell Kevin I’m sorry.”

  “Shanna, did you by chance meet someone and have a vacation fling?”

  Her sister’s intuition cut too close to the bone, except this was no fling. “I can’t talk about this right now. I’ll call you again after I’ve made my arrangements.” She hung up the phone and turned it off, dropping it to the floor. She raised her hands to her face and cried into them. Ross found her that way.

  The bed shifted when he sat on it. He moved her hands from her face, and used a towel to wipe away her tears. “Shh,” he said. “Everything’s going to be okay. Did something happen?”

  She looked into his beautiful eyes and knew she was going to have to let him go; she told him her story while the tears flowed silently down her cheeks.

  His face remained in profile as he continued to sit beside her on the bed, their fingers entwined as he stared out the window. When she was done and the tears had run dry he turned to her and kissed her cheek.

  Rubbing his thumb
across her knuckles, he asked, “Are you going back to him?”

  The air seemed to stop moving and the world ceased turning while the universe waited for her answer. In reality nothing happened, nothing changed, everything continued as it was, as it was meant to be, including her answer.

  “I’d already agreed to be his wife, and I would have been by now.”

  “But that was before me, before us.”

  Her mouth trembled as she tried to smile and knew it wasn’t much of one. This had all been an illusion, a beautiful dream. “There can be no us. There never really was.”

  He raised her hand to his lips and kissed it. Turning his head, he stared out the window again. “What if I want there to be an us? What if I want to take what we’ve shared here on the island back to our world?”

  “Then we’ll see it for what it is, just two people fulfilling a need. A need that’s no longer necessary.”

  Ross put his head down, unable to bear the piercing pain in his chest. “I still need you.”

  She put her arm around his waist. “Then let’s help each other one last time.”

  His head snapped up to look at her. “Yes, yes.” Except it couldn’t be the last time, could it? What had he truly expected? In truth, he hadn’t thought about anything other than waking up beside her, in her, on top of her, her on top of him. He hadn’t thought about anything other than the emotions welling up within him every time they touched, and the time he could be inside her again.

  “Just one thing, though.” Her voice was soft, but he still heard the words. “I need you to let me go.”

  His laugh was a harsh sound. “Do you mean I have a choice?”

  “No, not really.” She smiled. “I know what you do for a living and I don’t want you to try to find me.”

  He glanced away from her for a moment. “If you’re sure that’s what you want.”

  She kissed his cheek and pulled back. “It’s what has to be, so yes.”

  “All right, then. But if you want me, you know where to find me.”

  She got up and retrieved her cell phone. He sat on the bed and listened to her make arrangements to fly back to the States in the morning, leaving him behind. As soon as she hung up she returned to the bed and laid down on it.

  “Make love to me,” she said, holding her arms out to him. “Make love to me.”

  He could deny her nothing.

  Those were the last coherent words either of them said for the rest of the day and night. Her flight was an early one and neither got much sleep. How could they, when it could be the last time they’d be together? He lay on her pillow, surrounded by her coconut fragrance silently watching her get up and walk into the bathroom to take a shower, her body still flushed from their love-making. There was not an inch of her he hadn’t put his mark on. How could she leave him?

  He continued to lie there, not saying a word while she dressed and packed her bag. Then he jumped in the shower and changed. When he stepped out of the bathroom she sat on the bed with her suitcase at her feet.

  “I want to drive you to the airport.”

  “You don’t have to.”

  “I want to. So let me.”

  “All right.”

  Ross grabbed her bag and they walked out of the room and down to the lobby. He got his rental car and drove her to the airport. His mind was numb at the thought of her getting on the plane. At the last minute she’d change her mind and stay with him. How could she leave him? What they’d shared was not just a vacation affair.

  If she left he’d have to let her go. She’d made it clear he was not her choice. The pain in his chest stabbed harder. Would it ever stop?

  He found a parking spot and walked her inside to the security line. Since he didn’t have a ticket he couldn’t go to the waiting area with her, and she wouldn’t let him buy one so he could.

  “It’s best if we say our goodbyes right here. I…I want to thank you for everything. You helped me get through a bad time. I will never forget you.”

  “I’ll be damned if I forget you.” He kissed her, trying to pour so much of himself into her so she’d have an epiphany and realize what a mistake it would be to get on that plane without him. Instead, she pulled away, but he held onto her neck.

  “If you ever need me, you know where to find me,” he reminded her.

  She kissed him, but before he could take it deeper, she moved out of his embrace and stepped into the security line. Never once looking back. His chest heaved, and he felt the loss of her presence in his soul. Having no choice, he left the terminal and returned, alone, to his car. On the way back to the hotel, he pulled over to the side of the road. Stopping, he got out and walked down to the beach paralleling the road. He sat on the warm sand and watched the water until the sun rose a little higher in the sky. Not once did he really see the beauty before him, his thoughts all on the woman who’d left him. Getting up, he dusted himself off and got back in his car. Before he got to the hotel he made arrangements to be on the next direct flight back to L.A.

  He’d be damned if he gave her up without a fight. He cursed himself for letting her get on the damn plane, without straight-out saying he wanted her to give them a chance. He couldn’t force someone to love him. He just needed her to give him the chance to make that happen.

  ***

  Shanna called her sister before the plane took off on the second leg of her flight to let her know she was on her way back. Eboni offered to pick her up from the airport, but she wasn’t ready to face her sister or talk to anyone. She would be traveling all day and getting in late, and told her she’d take a cab straight home. Her stuff was still at her condo; she’d cancelled the scheduled move to Kevin’s house. That left her five days to find a place to stay or put her stuff into storage. Why would she need to do that if she was still going to marry Kevin? No immediate answer came to her, even though when she was back on Margarita with Ross her mind was made up. Now she wasn’t so sure. She kept thinking about the time she spent with Ross.

  When the plane landed at LAX she still hadn’t come to a conclusion. Her feelings were in turmoil and the nerves in her brain pounded their displeasure at the thought. Making love to one man, yet returning to marry another. How screwed up was that? After leaving the custom’s area she headed toward the taxi stand, but she hadn’t gone far when she heard the sound of her sister’s voice. She turned around to see Eboni and the tall muscular figure of Kevin behind her.

  Her sister reached her first, arms outstretched to hug her. “Hey, Shanna. Surprise.”

  She hugged her back. “I thought I told you I’d take a cab.” She left unspoken the fact she wasn’t exactly pleased to see Kevin so soon, wasn’t happy at all her sister decided to bring him with her. She needed time to sort things out, but it looked like her time was up.

  Kevin spoke up before Eboni could answer. “Don’t be mad at her. I guilted her into it. I thought enough folks had gotten into our business and you needed to deal directly with me now.”

  He was right. But, had he always been this bossy? She frowned. Yes, but she’d ignored it in the past. Her sister stepped aside and before she could say or do anything, Kevin had his arms wrapped around her, and his tongue shoved down her throat. She didn’t respond. Her reaction wasn’t so much his fault as much as her own guilt, still she raised her hand to his chest to put some distance between them.

  He released her mouth, leaned back, grabbed her finger, and shoved her engagement ring back on. “There. Now that’s back where it belongs.”

  “Kevin…”

  Before she could say anything else, she found herself once more enfolded in his steely embrace. She pulled back.

  “Okay,” he said, “let’s go. We’ve got a wedding to plan.”

  Shaken to her core, but not knowing what else to do, she turned to pick up her carry-on but Kevin reached it before she did. As she straightened, she happened to glance up, and her heart contracted to the point of pain. Familiar amber eyes stared back at her mere feet away. O
nly Kevin’s arm around her waist kept her moving forward. She moved because he moved, but she watched the man over her shoulder who gazed at her, until a crowd of people blocked him from her sight.

  ***

  Ross got his car from the long-term parking lot and, even though it was late, he had no desire to go home. Instead, he headed for his office. There would be enough work there to keep him busy for the next couple of hours. Hours in which he wouldn’t think about anything other than work. Wouldn’t see her. In another man’s arms. Wearing another man’s ring. She’d made her decision. He just had to learn to live with it. He wondered how long that would take.

  Chapter Five

  Shanna sat in the front passenger seat, watching Kevin’s hands on the wheel of his car. They were big, strong hands, to match the size of the rest of him. They were no longer capable of giving her what she needed. If she lived forever, she’d never forget looking up and seeing Ross standing within throwing distance of her. Her mind was in a whirl; she couldn’t form any coherent thoughts. Nothing made sense anymore.

  “I’m going to drop you off, Eboni,” Kevin said. It was the first time anyone had spoken for ten minutes. He probably wanted to take her back to his place, which would have been their place by now. Maybe it was, in a different time, another place—but in this time, this place, it just wasn’t meant to be. She knew what she had to do. Maybe she’d even known, deep inside, before she left the island, but she had to leave to face Kevin. At the same time, she couldn’t give Ross hope either.

  She closed her eyes, pretending she was tired. In truth she didn’t want to talk yet. There was no telling what would come out of her mouth. She waited until he dropped her sister off before turning to him and saying, “Take me to my condo, please.” It wasn’t far.

  He glanced over at her, but she looked away. “I thought we’d go back to my place and talk things over, make new plans.”