I place the helmets back on the table with a thump, my heart bleeding as I turn back to her. “I would never fucking think like that. I’m not built that way. I would never—I’m not trying to—I don’t—”
“Fuck, I promised him I’d be there soon.”
“I love it when you swear.”
She looks at me shocked, and I’m pretty sure I am too. I’m not thinking straight, can hardly talk, but out comes that.
Something about her so angry with me, realizing she’ll probably leave me, gets me to think. I’m probably thinking crazy or stupidly or maybe I’m giving too much away, but what the hell do I have to lose now? I’ve already lost everything because I’m losing her.
“I want to meet your brother because I fucking care about you. I want to do things with you because I fucking like you. I want to get to know you because I fucking do.” My voice cracks on that last note, making me feel like I’m about thirteen.
She takes a step away. And shit, if that doesn’t hurt even more.
“What?”
“I think you heard me, Asha.” Again, my voice cracks, making me want to wince.
She keeps shaking her head, stopping for a second, looking at me like I’m lying to her, then shaking her head all over again.
She’s breathing really hard when she says, “Why do you like me?”
I fling my hands around, taking a step closer. “What’s not to like? You’re kind and generous, sweet and optimistic. You’re so fucking warm. It comes out of you, this warmth, and I feel better just because I’m near you. You’re wicked smart. I’ve never known anyone so smart. And you’re so sexy. I think about your body and I’m—” I have to lick my lips, “—I go insane. I want you all the fucking time. I will want you after we’ve had sex. That won’t stop. I doubt it will ever stop. I’ll think you’re hot when you’re an old woman with white hair and wrinkles.”
Tears form, making her sparkling eyes shine all the more. She keeps blinking and shaking her head even though somewhere in my stilted speech she started to smile a little. It gave me hope, that grin. I’m holding my breath, praying I didn’t make a complete ass of myself.
She glances at her cell. “Hon’s waiting.”
I lost her. I know it now. I lost her, even when I poured my heart out.
I fucking lost her.
Chapter Twenty-Three - Asha
I’m a horrible person.
I shouldn’t have left Ian hanging like that. I should have told him I felt the same.
But I didn’t.
We drive to my brother’s new business, whatever it is, and I feel like shit. I just couldn’t be as brave as him because…because Ian’s about to meet my brother, Hon. The one person who I’ve been dying to see but simultaneously hoping not to. He’s a reminder of a different time, a time when I trusted people, when I thought friends were friends, when I thought I was safe with people who said they loved me.
But all of that changed one dark, beer-soaked night.
What were you wearing? People asked. Did you hit on him? Did you do something to make him think you wanted him? He was your friend, wasn’t he? He was your best friend since you started college? He was your brother’s roommate and your brother’s best friend too? You can’t remember anything? You have to remember something. Why are you so fucked up if you can’t remember anything?
A tear rolls down my cheek as Ryder finds the address.
I can’t believe my brother answered the phone. He told me he was happy to hear from me. He said he had news, and I told him I wanted him to meet someone. He asked if Ian was the same guy Lona met. When I said, “Yeah,” he sounded happy, like he used to be for me. We used to help each other study, and he’d get so excited when I got the answers right. He was never competitive. He was always encouraging. I hope I was the same for him.
I pray for strength as Ryder parks. I pray that I can make it through this meeting without crying too much. Or at all. I know it’s good for me. But I don’t want my brother to know how hurt I was. Am. But at the same time, I want to scream at him, rake him over the coals for leaving me when I needed him so much.
I sniff and wipe away my tear as I get off Ryder’s bike. I don’t think he caught me, but he is looking at me with a mixture of anger and sorrow. I don’t blame him. I’m crazy right now.
He locks our helmets on the bike in silence. When he straightens, he looks like he’s going to say something but stops himself.
He’s seeing the side of me I hide. The side of me Megan says I don’t need to keep in the dark. She says all of me is perfect. She’s always so great about saying things like that. But society doesn’t like sad girls. Society doesn’t like angry girls. It doesn’t like crazy women, filled with rage. Unadulterated, pure rage.
I’ve thought of killing Anthony. I’ve thought a lot about it. He was out on bail during the trial, and I thought about sneaking into the hotel he was staying at with his parents and slipping him a poisoned beer. I thought it would have been rather poetic.
I hate that I thought that, had it all planned out. I never wanted to be the kind of person who thought of murdering another. I never wanted to think about smashing another human with a crowbar until I broke his skull. Or breaking all his small bones with my bare hands. Did you know there’s two hundred-six bones in the human body, and I was pretty sure I could figure out a way to break forty-eight of them? I never followed through with any of that, obviously. But I thought about it until I found Megan.
And Ian’s seeing all of it right now.
He might not be able to put into words what’s going on with me, but I know he’s feeling it. When I get like this, so scared, so angry, I’m sure it’s palpable to other people. And adding to whatever he might be feeling for me is his righteous anger for leaving him hanging after he told me something so beautiful. He likes me. He cares for me.
I didn’t know how to tell him how much I care for him when I knew he was going to see me like this, when he still didn’t know this part of me existed. And if he would even want me when he saw it.
We make our way to the building. It’s in the same area where Lona works, and I see the small office for the LGBT+ advocate organization on the other side of the street. Hon said his business was within the same building of a big bank. It doesn’t have a sign yet, but he’d leave the door open for me.
As Ian and I walk our way through the threshold, he takes my hand, interlacing his big fingers between mine. And I cry. I don’t mean to, but he’s making me cry by being so kind. I didn’t say what I needed to. He doesn’t know that I think I’m falling for him because I’m too scared of what he’ll think after seeing me like this. And he’s holding my hand anyway. Even though I’m being horrible to him, even though he sees me right now.
“Hon?” I call out.
“Back here.”
That’s my brother’s voice. I try like hell to stop the instant tears. God, I’ve missed his voice. I have to blink a lot, and Ian’s basically guiding me at this point, but I’m not crying by the time I hear the clonk of Hon’s footfalls.
Then I see him. My mouth opens, my heart beating in my throat.
“Oh my god.” I rush to him but I can’t touch him. “Who hurt you? What the hell did you do with your hair?”
He’s shaved off his long black hair, always in a neat braid at the back of his head. In college, girls would gush over him and his hair. It would make me laugh how he’d use his hair to get chicks. It worked a lot.
And he’s beat up. His lip is cut, one black eye.
He looks at me for a long moment, swallowing. He moves a little but then drops his hand.
“You look so pretty, Asha.”
I punch him in the shoulder, trying not to cry. “You—who beat you up? I’m going to seriously kick some ass.”
He smiles. It breaks something in me, but he smiles. It’s big and bright and reminds me of what he used to look like a long time ago. Except now he’s buff. He’s no longer the skinny kid who I would lean my h
ead against when I watched TV. He’s big, like Ian.
“I, ah—” his voice is raw, but he keeps talking. “Don’t tell the folks, but I do some fighting at night. Just amateur stuff.”
“You’re boxing?”
“It’s actually MMA, mixed martial—”
“I know what MMA stands for.”
“Cool,” Ian says, making Hon glance away from me.
My brother steps around me, extending a hand. “Hon, Asha’s brother.”
“Ian.” It looks like Ian is going to add a title to his name too, but he doesn’t. He just stops, sadly glances at me, then plasters a fake grin at Hon. “Good to meet you, man.”
“You too.” They shake, and Ian grabs Hon in one of those manly hug things. Hon’s kind of surprised but slaps Ian on the back, smiling widely as they step away from each other. “You made a hell of an impression on my sister, Lona. She likes you. And other than her girlfriend, she doesn’t like anybody, including me.”
Ian’s smile turns genuine as he chuckles at Hon’s joke. “Yeah, I liked her too. She’s good stuff.”
Hon’s sizing Ian up, and what’s hurting more than I can stand is how Hon think’s Ian’s a good man. He is, I know, and Hon can see it too. God, I’m messing everything up.
But I can’t seem to help it. I’m feeling so…broken. Raw. Hurt. I feel like lashing out and am carefully restraining how crazy I am right now.
“She is.” Hon nods. “She really is. You met Bit too, huh?”
“Yep.”
“She’s really good stuff. She’s made my sister…nice. I mean, Lona was always very kind but never nice.”
Ian smiles wider.
“Hey, man—” Hon claps Ian on the shoulder while he turns to look at me. “Sorry, Ash, but I need to borrow your boyfriend for a sec.” He glances at Ian again, starting to walk backward. “I need someone tall to help me figure out where the sign should go.”
“What sign?” I’m sounding angry.
Hon stops walking and smiles at me. “I couldn’t wait to tell you. I mean, I’ve been waiting until I got everything set up and it’s not quite up and running, but I can’t wait any longer. I have to tell you.”
“Tell me what?”
Hon’s smile drops. “I—” he looks at Ian. “You guys are close, right?”
“Yes. So? What’s this about?” I say and something odd happens to my voice. It’s like glass shattering, there’s all these horrible notes floating through the sound, almost making me shudder.
Hon straightens and looks at Ian again, making me so angry, too angry. “I figured since you’re making the rounds and now to me, that you and Ian are…really close. You’ve let him in. Next will be the folks, and maybe I’ll come with you guys when you meet them.”
“That’s very nice, Hon, but what the fuck is going on?” I’m getting madder and madder by the second, and I can’t stop it. I’m shaking. I’m blinded by this anger. At the same time, I’m afraid and sad and heartbroken.
Ian glances at me, concern written through his knitted-together brows.
But Hon is again looking at Ian, making me want to scream at him. Why does he keep glancing at Ian, as if trying to find some answer within Ryder? The answers are within me. All me. I need Hon to figure that out and stop looking at Ian.
Instead, Hon says to Ryder, “I figured that you and Asha are close and…you know what happened.”
God, I want the earth to swallow me whole. Even better, I want to hide under my covers in my bed. Forever.
I can’t look at Ian because I know he’s smart. He’s piecing things together.
“I—Asha,” Hon’s voice is pleading with me. “This isn’t just about making things up to you. I mean, it is, but it’s not. It’s what I want to do now. This place is for a better future.”
“What the fuck are you talking about? This place—what does it have to do with me?” I’m yelling and Hon is walking closer. But I back away.
“All these years working contract law—something so monotonous I thought I’d go permanently numb. And fighting, although I don’t mind the fighting so much. But all of it was for…well, kind of for you, for a better future.” After repeating himself, he steps closer again, but I back away once more. “Asha, this is going to be a rape crisis center, so no one will have to be alone when…after something like that happens.”
I scream. Really scream. It’s such a strange guttural sound, like an animal dying.
Hon races toward me and Ian is too, but I back away, my fists out. “No one has to be alone! No one has to be alone! But you leave me alone for years. You left me when I needed you the most. You just left me. You found me with—with that thing—that monster who hurt me, and you left me. You were so embarrassed of me, so ashamed of me, that you left me.”
Hon has instant tears in his eyes and he’s shaking his head. “No, Ash. Never ashamed of you. Always proud. I didn’t want to leave you.”
“But you did! You did!”
“They made me.”
“Who made you? No one can make you do anything.”
“Unless you’re in jail! Asha, I was in jail for eight months, doing everything I could to get out. Don’t you remember?”
I blink and stare at him, shaking my head. “Lona was the one arrested.”
“Almost arrested. Little lawyer talked her way out of that, but there was no way I could. Cops saw me. There were crowds of people, all witnesses.”
“Of what?”
He tilts his head to the side. “You really don’t know? Didn’t anyone tell you?”
“You know our family has a weird code of silence. Mom and Dad don’t talk about the fact that Lona is getting married to a woman. Why would they say anything that might be slightly negative about you? You were in jail?”
He slowly nods. “Yeah, the tribe considered bailing me out, but I didn’t want them to. If I was out, I knew I’d try to kill Anthony again.”
Again?
“You tried to kill him?”
He takes a step closer, his head leaning down. “I can’t believe that Lona didn’t tell you. But, yeah, when I caught him, I called the cops and threw him of out the window. Then I went down the stairs—”
“My room was three floors up.”
“Yeah, it didn’t kill him, the drop, but it broke his legs. He was wearing casts during the trial. Don’t you remember?”
I look down. “It’s all a blur.”
He nods. “The folks thought it best if I stayed away when I got out. I changed schools, did everything because I thought that, although you didn’t want to see me—”
“I always wanted to see you.”
“Fuck.” He shakes his head as two tears flow down his hollowed cheeks. “I stayed away because I thought you wanted me to. Mom said it was best not to talk to you because I would just upset you. So I thought of the ways to still protect you even though I couldn’t be around you. That’s why I saved up and got a grant and am going to run this organization. That’s why I’ve been doing everything. I thought it could get me back to you, back with my best friend and sister.”
I’m bawling and breaking. Shattering. In a good way, but breaking hurts all the same.
It’s then that I realize that all my fears, everything that I hide is out in the open.
In front of Ian.
I can’t look at him. I can’t see the pity that’s sure to be there.
Boyfriends and rape—I don’t know how they deal. If they deal. If Ian is the kind of man who could handle the fact that I’ve been hurt, that someone hurt me.
And I can’t stand here to figure it out.
I look at Hon, my one friend throughout my whole life. Even when he wasn’t there for me, he was still fighting to figure out a way back to me. I know my parents thought they were doing what’s best, but I am so going to lecture them. One of these days. When I get my strength back. If I get my strength back.
But for now, I just look at Hon, hoping he’ll be able to read my mind like he used to
, saying, “I can’t.”
And I run.
Chapter Twenty-Four - Asha
“Housekeeping,” a female voice calls out after a loud knock.
I mute the TV in my motel room, thinking it weird I would get a second call for housekeeping today. Standing, I walk a little closer to the door, saying, “But you were already here this morning.”
“I have the towels you wanted, Miss.”
For a second, I remember I had asked for towels. But something is off. Something isn’t right.
It’s then I recognize the voice, although she’s trying really hard to disguise it.
Lona.
Leave it to my resourceful sister to find me.
It’s been almost two weeks since I ran away from Hon and Ian. I was so confused at the time that I ran straight into the bank and pretended that I was interested in getting a checking account, even going so far as putting a hundred dollars in one. Then I gathered my courage and walked out of the building, hearing Ian yelling for me somewhere down the street. Maybe Hon was too, but I only heard Ian’s strained voice.
I just couldn’t face him.
I know what it’s like to watch as my loved ones start to look at me differently. Some would look at me with pity, which only made me feel worse. Others looked at me with an odd combination of suspicion and sorrow, their changed gazes cutting deeper than any knife.
I couldn’t watch Ryder’s expression morph into something other than what I’d grown accustomed to. I think he really did like me. But how could he keep liking me after he found out I’d been sexually assaulted? Or even if he could, he wouldn’t look at me the same. No, he’d change. In his eyes, I’d no longer be the sexual creature he had gotten to know. He would shy away from that, and I wouldn’t blame him. If I were him, I don’t know what I would do.
So I packed more of my clothes into a backpack, thinking about my things at Ryder’s and if I’d ever see them again. Next, I called my supervisor and asked for a couple weeks off—family emergency was my excuse. And then I found this motel, on the outskirts of Laramie, and have made it my home.
“Those towels, ma’am.”
Bad Medicine (Wolf Love Book 4) Page 20