But the last thing she said was she hated him so much for what he'd turned her into and he could go to his grave knowing his fucked up mind games, his reckless carelessness for her and what it drove her to do was on him. That her death was on him.”
Emma had a few tears slip down her cheek, but she quickly wiped them away. She shook her head still not understanding why any of the three of them did what they did.
“She did kill herself, Kay. And she made sure to call my brother while she was in the car, she said everything she said to him, and then killed herself and his baby, and she made him listen to it all. She never hung up the phone, she left it recording. Not only does Brandon know the things he did caused her to kill herself, but she also took his child with her, and he'll never be able to forget what he heard on that message. And he never let anyone else listen to it either.
It's crazy she took it as far as she took it. He doesn't understand, and hasn't for the last two years, that while, yes, he did make mistakes throughout the whole relationship or whatever you want to call what they had, she made her own choices too. He didn't make her get herself pregnant by a guy who made it painfully clear he didn't want or love her.”
Emma paused for a second, but I finished for her, “And he sure as hell didn't force her to take her own life and fucking leave a voicemail of every lasting second of her doing it.” Yes, Brandon was wrong on so many levels for how he treated Sadie, but if that test would have come back positive that the baby was his, he would have taken care of his child, that much about him I knew for sure. He would never have been with Sadie, and that apparently was the part she couldn't get over. She did what she did to punish him, and ruin him for any other girl that might come along and dare care about him, just because he'd ruined her.
I was right about the connection I felt between Brandon and I when we first met. He went through something tragic, something no person should have to go through...just like I did. If not our hearts, then definitely our souls were connected. You can have a deep connection with a person like that without it ever turning into falling in love, or anything physical and sexual.
But it had crossed over into that with Brandon. Now I just had to figure out if, in my life right now, there was a place to love Brandon and have the opportunity to fall in love. He was still running, trying with everything he had to forget the past by never standing still long enough to enjoy the present. Would I ever be enough for him to stop running?
I needed a constant in my life, someone who would be there for me every step of the way. That person might be who I'd successfully pushed away in the hospital. Maybe it was for the best that Cole took a step back. I needed time to work through the feelings I thought I had for Brandon. Time to think about and develop myself on my own. But I also needed time to think about Cole and what the feelings I had for him meant.
“You just figured it out, didn't you,” Emma asked sadly. “You finally realized that just because you feel connected to someone, like the way you felt with my brother, doesn't mean you are destined to love and be with each other.” Quietly I nodded, my eyes filling with unshed tears. “It’s okay, Kay. He isn't ready anyway, and I honestly don't think you are either. Even if he got the help he needed and was able to move past everything that happened, he'd always blame himself for the things he's already done to you. I'm not trying to hurt you when I say this, but I think you would be a reminder to him of everything he'd done wrong in the past, and had continued to do when he met you.”
I cried now, like really ugly cried, because I knew she was right. “But I can be his friend, Em. I'll always be here for him as a friend, anything he ever needs, I'd never walk away from him if he needed me.”
“Shhh, I know,” Emma wrapped her arms around me, we both sat there crying for a while. “He disappeared like this for a little while after everything happened. My parents think he's trying again.” I didn't understand, and based off the look she saw on my face that was apparent. “They think he checked himself into an inpatient facility to work through the depression that has him walking a line so thin between keeping it together and losing it completely every day.”
“What would make him do that now though?” I thought out loud. Emma gave me a sad smile, squeezing my hand in hers.
“You, Kay. He's doing it for you.”
“But you just said I would always be a reminder, that he could work through everything, but with what he's gone through he needs to find someone who isn't tied to memories of how he, in his words, ruins girls.”
“My parents and I sat and talked about this earlier. We all know the feelings you thought you had for him. We know, and trust me one hundred percent when I say this, and are so thankful because of the feelings he thinks he has for you going into the facility he might actually get better and figure out how to save himself.
But as he goes through the counseling and grief stages he will come to realize what he saw in you was a girl he thought he could save. A girl who he could love and that love would save you from yourself.”
“Because he couldn't save Sadie,” my voice a whisper I finally understood. “But what is going to happen if when he comes back, he's coming back in a different state of mind? One where he thinks we can be together?” I dug my fingernails into the palms of my hands now.
“And that might happen.”
“So what you are saying is everything you've told me is your opinion, and it really comes down to what I think is best for me, and if he means enough to me to wait it out and find out.” Emma smiled but shook her head. She told me she knew he meant a lot to me, but that her opinion was it would not work with Brandon and I, and I believed her with all my heart. But she also said I needed to pull back from Brandon and Cole for a while. I needed to move through my own issues before I could be with either of them.
Jules poked her head into the living room and told us it was dinner time. I asked Emma what her parents thought about everything, but Emma said they didn't give their opinion. The only thing they said was they were thankful for me coming into Brandon's life because I was the reason, if he was where they thought he was, that he'd save himself from ending up just like Sadie.
Dinner was quiet, but not uncomfortable. About halfway through, Jules asked me if I wanted to see a therapist. She had already found one for me, Dr. Sarah Hyland, who she thought I would really like, and they would pay for it.
I didn't know what to say, but I thought this was what Emma had been talking about when she told me I needed to work through my shit before I'd ever be in a place to have a relationship that would last. Agreeing to give it a try, I excused myself to get ready for bed. I was exhausted from everything my body had gone through, but most of all, my heart hurt. When I saw Dr. Hyland I needed to be one hundred and fifty percent honest with everything or I was going to be lost in my mind, probably forever.
Chapter 16
It had been three weeks since I was officially able to return to work and school, and I had my first appointment with Dr. Hyland scheduled for today after class. She was on campus which was nice because I could head right over from English. Emma met me and walked me over to my appointment, giving me a huge hug, telling me I would be amazing.
Sitting in a waiting room for an appointment where you knew someone new was going to find out just how fucked up your mind was threw my nerves into a frenzy. Obviously she was a professional, a doctor, but telling what I went through and realizing my part in it all was not going to be easy. I could see why a lot of people chose denial.
A middle aged women, probably close to fifty, opened her office door and called my name. She was than me, but seemed to be in remarkable shape, and had on tailored suit pants and a sheer blouse layered over a camisole on. Dr. Hyland was pretty, her smile warm and inviting.
“Kahlen, it's so nice to meet you,” she gestured to a chair or couch, how stereotypical, I could sit on. I chose the chair. There was no move to shake my hand, or touch my arm, she simply went and sat down in a chair across from where
I sat. I didn't see a recorder or a notebook, no file laying around that had my name on it, just a cup of coffee sitting in front of her, and one in front of me.
“May I,” I pointed to the cup of coffee and she nodded. “Thank you, I really need a pick me up. English makes me want to pull my hair out.” I laughed lightly, and so did she.
“The Lucas' referred you here because they think you might benefit from talking to me, Kahlen. How do you feel about that?” She didn't lock her eyes on me, or stare me down, she actually moved to look at a side table, moving books around like she was trying to find something.
“Um, well, I mean, I know I have issues,” I said quietly.
“We can get to what you think are your issues later, but I'm wondering how you feel about someone other than yourself knowing something about you and thinking you need to speak to someone about it?”
I guess I hadn't really thought of it like that before. “I should be thankful, and I am, I think anyway. Mostly I guess it's uncomfortable. I feel like I'm not a whole person, and anyone who knows what I went through feels like it's their responsibility to somehow fix me, put me back together.”
“Keep going,” she encouraged.
“I know I'm messed up, that my mind has issues, but knowing someone else thinks the same thing about me, even though it's coming from a loving place, well it sucks. It would be nice to walk into a room one day and know people were looking at the real me. Right now, I feel like all my issues are written in permanent black ink all over my skin, so when anyone looks at me all they see is the messed up version of me. I want people to be able to see the real me, and I want to be able to let the real me shine without constantly being pulled under by my past.”
She nodded, thinking about what I had said. “Okay, Kahlen. Together we will work through everything, and in the end I promise you, everyone will know who you are. Not the you everyone else thinks you are, but who you are as a person, and you'll be able to leave the past in the past.” I smiled at her feeling a bit like she may have handed me my life to take back.
We sat for the rest of the hour, me talking and Dr. Hyland listening, going over everything that had happened to me. She asked me to go as far back as I could remember, and she asked me to be extremely specific. When she thought I wasn't giving her all the details, for example what I remembered doing with each one of the men individually instead of grouping it all up in a whole, she called me on it, and I would go back and clarify.
I walked out of the office not feeling better than when I'd gone in, and definitely not looking better. In the bathroom I tried to splash cool water on my face to take away some of the redness and swelling around my eyes, but it didn't work.
My shift at Red's started in an hour and a half, I needed to get home and get ready. Walking to my car I spotted Cole coming from another direction, but headed to the same lot. A part of me was excited at seeing him, being able to apologize for what I'd said, but as he came into view, not being blocked by any of the trees standing between us, I saw two girls walking with him. One touched his arm as she laughed, the other had her arm threaded through his looking at him like she wanted to devour him. Shit. We were headed the same direction, I couldn't turn away because if he saw me it would only make everything worse between us.
Still walking to my car, trying to keep my focus forward like I didn't see him, I felt it the second his eyes landed on me. Struggling not to turn toward him, I didn't want him seeing what a mess I was right now, I dug in my bag looking for my keys. Then I heard my name called. Immediately my head shot up looking around to see who called me.
Before I could figure that out, my eyes met Cole's. His hand went back and forth through his hair, and he pulled his lip ring between his teeth. Immediately he took a step toward me, but thought better of it and stopped himself. Tears welled in my eyes, and I brushed at them before they could fall. His eyes looked sad and tortured, which I knew I'd done. So instead of making a big deal about running into him, I gave him a weak smile and turned back to my car seeing Emma standing there and realized it had been her voice calling my name.
I walked away from Cole, and the two girls who never even noticed I was standing there, barely holding in the sobs trying to break free. How could I have done that to him, hurt him by saying those awful things? Next time I saw Sarah I would ask her and have her explain my horrible behavior to me.
“By the look on your face I'd say it was either the first session that went horrible, or the fact you just ran into sex on a stick with two girls eye fucking him like he's candy.” Emma gave me a hug, and we both got in my car. “It's for the better right now Kahlen, trust me. Even if Cole is the one you end up with, you need to be whole...pieces of you can't keep slipping away into the past. You'll be ready to love and be with someone when you can love every piece of what makes you, you.”
Sometimes I wondered if Emma shouldn't switch her major from marketing to like guru of the century or something. She was completely wise and it came out of nowhere, but everything she said always made sense. So from here on out I would focus on school, work, and stopping my mind from vacationing in hell whenever it felt the need.
I dropped Emma off at her house, and headed to my place. I showered, ate, and threw my Red's shirt on, then grabbed my bag and headed out to work. Like always it was a slow night and I was able to get quite a bit of studying done. The bells on the door rang as I got up to go get the keys out of the back to close up. Rattling off the greeting, I made my way to the office to grab the keys.
“Hey, pretty girl,” his voice smooth as silk ran over my skin, my eyes drinking him in. “You almost off?” I nodded, and so did he. It'd been hard seeing him on campus earlier after not seeing him for almost a month, but having him right in front of me so close, this was torture. Then I remembered the girls from this afternoon, and what Dr. Hyland was helping me focus on. Friends, Kahlen, only friendship right now.
I went to the front door and locked it from the inside, flipping the switch on the sign so it read closed now in neon white letters. “We have to leave out the back,” and I pointed in the direction I wanted him to go. Hopefully I wouldn't get in trouble for having him in here with me, but it's not like he was going to do anything wrong and we were leaving.
Picking up my bag from the counter for me, Cole made his way to the back and waited. I ran my ID through, opened the door, making sure it securely shut once we were both out. “You want to come to my place?” His voice was quiet, his mood neutral. I couldn't get a read on him, but I did want to talk to him, apologize for everything, so I nodded.
Cole got in his car, I got in mine, and I followed him to the shop where he worked. When we were both out of our cars he gave a self-deprecating shrug and pointed above the shop. “That's my place up there.” He walked to the side of the building and around the back, I followed. The building was big, and I wondered how many apartments sat above the shop. Cole moved to the side at the bottom of a set of stairs letting me go in front of him.
I moved to the side at the top so he could unlock the door, and he reached in and flipped a switch on before letting me walk into his place first.
Only making it a few steps inside I stopped still. This place, his personal space, it was amazing and totally him. It had a warehouse feel to it, all exposed beams, pipes, and ducts. The whole place had a raw feeling to it, yet he had some of the most beautiful art work hanging throughout the place. Everything was super clean and picked up. It was masculine, with the different shades of gray, black, white, deep green scattered throughout the place, but it was cozy and inviting with all of the little touches he'd done to make it more than just an apartment, it was his home.
“Wow, Cole,” I smiled at him. “Your home is amazing, really it is.”
He told me to come on in as he walked past me. It was a huge open floor plan. You walked in and directly to your left was open space that led to a hallway, in front of you was the living room, set back a little and to the right he had a table and chairs, fur
ther to the right there was a gigantic island and the rest of the kitchen, and one last door over in the far back right corner.
He looked proud as I complimented him, and gave me one of those devastatingly gorgeous dimple smiles, running his hand through his hair. I went and sat down on the couch in the living room, he brought in some cans of pop, and sat next to me on his couch.
Taking a deep breath, he said, “No one probably told you because I was the only one who could get information at the hospital,” I thought I saw a small smirk pull at his mouth, probably remembering the only reason he could get the information was because he made them believe I was his fiancé. “But the reason they kept sedating you was because you were having some kind of subconscious terror thing. The nurses kept telling me the thrashing, screaming, and some of the things they could make out that you were saying had something to do with them having to keep you under.”
Slowly I took in as much air as my lungs could take, I held it for ten seconds, and then let it out again. I had been staring at my hands, and now I picked at the gray nail polish already chipping away.
“I heard one of the nurses talking to another nurse when they rushed in one time because you'd started with the screaming and trying to pull everything they had you hooked up to off even though you weren't really awake. She said something about getting you with a psychiatrist once you woke up long enough, because if the marks on your body were any indication of what your mind tortured you with, then you needed to talk to someone.”
Trying to clear the lump that had lodged itself in my throat I gave a weak cough. My eyes had filled with tears, and they began to fall, but Cole made no move to touch me or move any closer to me.
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