“Why is it weird?” He moved to lean against the headboard, maintaining a safe arm’s-length distance.
“Because … it’s about Noah.”
“You feel guilty. Like you’re betraying him.” He might as well have been speaking about himself.
“Yes and no. It’s hard to put into words.”
He closed his eyes and said what he’d been thinking even though the words cut like razors. “It’s too complicated, isn’t it? I can’t compete with him. I won’t. He’ll always be between us.”
Her laugh held no humor. “My problem is that I didn’t feel him at all. When you kissed me, I forgot … everything. Even him. That’s why I ran. I’m scared I’m going to lose my memories of Noah, and that’s all I have left.”
He took a moment to process what she’d admitted. He couldn’t deny the spike of satisfaction, but neither could he deny the very real issue of Noah’s ghost between them. “You’ll never forget him. Neither will I.”
“It’s both harder and easier knowing how close you and Noah were. Knowing you were there.” She swallowed hard but didn’t break eye contact with him.
“We can be business colleagues. Put aside everything that happened tonight. It won’t be awkward.”
“Yes, it will.” Her smile flashed like a lightning bug, gone in an instant. “The thing is … I don’t want to forget. Do you?”
Hell no. He fisted his hands in the covers to keep from pulling her into him. “No. I don’t.”
“Where does this leave us?”
“It leaves us taking things as slow as you need.”
“I might need slow, but I want fast.”
He lost the battle and reached out, tugging her into his arms. The naturalness of the way she notched herself against him as if they’d been carved out of the same piece of wood soothed the chaos and uncertainty.
Would Noah approve or would he hate the fact that Bennett wanted what Noah could never have again? Did the dead even care? The feel and scent of Harper loosened his hold on conscious thought, and he slipped toward sleep, praying his nightmares—and Noah—would stay at bay.
Chapter 14
Past
Bennett swung the ax and cleaved the wood in two, the impact jolting his arm. He cleared the pieces and put another cut of wood on the stump. The last time he’d put his body through such grueling physical labor was BUD/S. Noah worked at his side with a chainsaw. Bennett couldn’t stem a smile. Just like old times.
After years of invitations, Bennett had finally accompanied Noah to his family’s soybean farm in Georgia. Noah’s dad was getting older and Noah, feeling guilt at his desertion to the SEALs, had promised to help clear land. Bennett had only agreed once he’d been assured Harper wasn’t coming, too.
Bennett had spent the last three years avoiding coming face-to-face with Noah’s wife. He’d made sure he was committed for SEAL business the weekend of their wedding, even though Noah had asked him to be best man, and had never accepted an invite to social functions involving the families.
His constant refusals made him seem like an antisocial SOB, which wasn’t that far off the mark, to be honest. Even if he had attended one of the company barbeques, he’d have spent it holding up a corner with a beer in hand. Maybe even double-fisting it.
No, he avoided Harper Wilcox partly because he was afraid she’d never live up to the picture he’d formed of her from her letters. But mostly he was downright terrified she’d far surpass his expectations. His fascination with his best friend’s wife was inappropriate at best and a betrayal at worst.
Most of the time, his feelings were easy to ignore. And when he and Noah deployed, he allowed himself to enjoy Harper’s stories knowing the brief moments of normalcy could be blown to bits the next day—hell, the next hour.
And it’s not like he secretly imagined Noah out of the picture. Noah had people—a wife, a mom and dad, and sisters—who depended on him in various ways. Bennett had no one except for his SEAL brothers. He would sacrifice his life for any one of them, but especially to protect Noah.
Noah powered the chainsaw off and ran the back of his hand over his sweaty forehead. “Break time.”
They retreated to the shade and shared iced tea from a jug Noah’s mom had packed along with snacks. She’d slipped an extra homemade Rice Krispies treat in with Bennett’s name written on the wax-paper wrapping like he was in school. It made his chest ache a little.
“Thanks for coming down here with me. Sorry my mom was all up in your business last night at dinner. So annoying.” Noah’s eye roll was teenager-like.
“I don’t mind.” Bennett wasn’t being polite. He really hadn’t minded. With all her kids married and on their own, he got the impression Noah’s mom needed someone to mother. It had been … nice.
“Are you sure? I can tell her to back off. I know how private you are.”
Noah’s mom had grilled him about his love life, then turned around and promised to knit him a scarf and toboggan cap for Christmas all the while plying him with homemade banana pudding and hugs.
“I said it’s okay.” The words came out harsher than he meant. “Sorry. It’s just…”
Noah cocked his head and waited. He was accepting of Bennett’s limits. It was one reason Noah was easy to be around. Another was the fact that he was a good person and even better friend.
Bennett squinted toward the tree line across the field of soybeans until they blurred into one blob of green. His laugh contained more bitterness than a pot of undercooked greens. “It’s a novelty to be mothered even for a weekend.”
“I wasn’t thinking, man.”
The silence bore down on Bennett until he had to break the tension. “I had no idea I was missing out on knitted scarves all these years.”
Their combined laughter petered out but left a new connection. One Bennett couldn’t help but hang on to. “If it hadn’t been for the drugs, I think my mom would have turned out okay. Maybe not homemade Rice Krispies treat–level good, but at least Oreo good.”
“Were they all shitty?”
“What? The cookies?”
“No. The foster homes.”
“Some were better than others.” The answer was a cop-out, and after everything Noah had shared with Bennett, the most valuable being friendship, he wanted to give more. “The best homes were ones where I was ignored. I got pretty good at staying under the radar.”
“What were the worst kind of homes?”
“The ones with lots of other fosters or older kids. Especially other boys. Every day was a battle. Luckily, I was always big for my age.” That hadn’t helped him when it was three on one, of course. “Occasionally, I got put with a family who preferred hands-on discipline.”
“Jesus. What did you do? Could you tell someone?”
“No one cared.” Except that wasn’t true. One woman had cared enough to give him one last chance. A chance that had changed his life. “Even then, I didn’t have it in me to cower and take it, so I fought back. Got me blackballed from any decent foster situation. Somehow my file came across the desk of a woman who saw past my anger to something worthwhile that had survived.”
“She hooked you up with your Sarge.”
“Sarge was her uncle and agreed to take me on. He was … special.” The former Army Ranger had been part drill sergeant, part therapist, and part father. “I wish he had lived long enough to know I’d made it as a SEAL.”
“I’ll bet he’s looking down on you now proud as hell.”
Bennett grunted. He didn’t believe in some afterlife bullshit. Nothing he’d seen or experienced led him to believe some benevolent deity was watching out for him. Instead of voicing his unpopular opinion, Bennett offered half of his extra treat to Noah. The silence between them wasn’t at all quiet or uncomfortable this time. Birds and squirrels made noises in the trees and critters rustled in the leaves at their feet.
“Can you keep a secret?” Noah asked.
“Who would I tell?” Bennett ignored the s
ad commentary his answer revealed.
“Harper’s pregnant.”
Shock zinged through him. He pulled Noah in for a sweaty slap across the shoulders. “Dude. Congratulations. Why are you keeping it a secret? Your mom would lose her shit.”
“It’s early yet and Harper wants to wait until her doctor’s appointment.”
“I’m happy for you guys. I really am.” And he was. The Harper he sometimes dreamed about wasn’t real. She was like a favorite mixtape he’d assembled in his imagination. The greatest hits of her letters.
Noah looked grim considering the news should be joyous. “This put the future in perspective, you know?”
“How so?”
“Harper can take care of herself. She’s strong. But a baby…” Noah scrubbed a hand over his buzz cut. “What if something happens?”
Bennett didn’t have to ask what he meant. He knew. Every SEAL knew. The thought was like an infestation of termites in the backs of their minds. It’s not like they worked behind a safe desk in a safe cubicle in a safe building. Things could go FUBAR in seconds.
But it’s what they’d signed up for. What they loved. “You thinking about getting out?”
“Not a chance.” In Noah’s pause, Bennett could hear the doubts. Drawing his words out, Noah continued. “Bu-u-ut … I have been thinking about contingencies. Listen, you can say no. Don’t feel obligated or anything, but I can’t think of anyone else. An-n-nd … well.” Noah petered into silence after tripping over his tongue.
“Damn, Peaches, are you working up the courage to ask me on a date or something?” Bennett stared at Noah in amused fascination. He hadn’t seen Noah this worked up since the day he’d shown Bennett the ring he’d bought for Harper.
Noah cracked a smile. “Not exactly. I want you to be a sort-of godfather. If you’re willing.”
Bennett straightened from his slouch against the tree. Religion hadn’t made an impact on his life, but he’d seen enough movies to know a godfather was supposed to guide a child spiritually. Or head up a Mafia family, but he assumed Noah wanted the former. “I’m not qualified to teach a kid about God or anything. I would only warp its little mind.”
“That’s not what I’m asking you to do.”
“Then what? Get the little tyke a present on his birthday? Are you going to name him after me or something?”
Noah barked a laugh. “That’s not a terrible idea actually, but what if the baby is a girl?”
“‘Benjamina’? Or how about something trendy like ‘Bentley’?”
“I’ll talk to Harper and see what she thinks.” Noah moved to stand in front of Bennett and look him in the eyes, his laughter fading into solemnness. “I want you to promise me something, Griz.”
“Anything.”
“If something happens to me, I want you to promise to take care of them. Harper and the baby.”
Bennett’s mouth felt like he’d chewed on a dozen cotton balls. He tried to swallow, but his words came out garbled. “Nothing is going to happen.”
“Probably not, but I need to know they’ll have someone to count on.” Maybe because Noah had been thinking about the offer for a while, he maintained a calm Bennett was having a hard time locating. “I want that someone to be you.”
“Why me? I’m kind of messed up, bro.” There were a half-dozen better choices than him. Darren’s nickname was Family Man, for goodness’ sake.
“Bullshit. You’re not just my brother-in-arms, Griz. You’re my brother. Maybe not by blood, but in every other way that counts. I’d trust you with my life. And my life is Harper and this baby.”
Bennett’s heart shattered and reassembled itself in that moment. A brother. A family. He’d never had either but had wished for both every day when he was young. He’d put the foolish dream away with his childhood, but the dream had survived and now it flourished under Noah’s request.
“I promise I’ll take care of them.” What he left unsaid was the promise he made to himself standing in that soybean field in Georgia. He would make sure nothing happened to Noah even if he had to sacrifice himself to do it.
Chapter 15
Present Day
For the second time, Harper woke in bed entwined with Bennett. Neither time had involved sex. Which was just plain sad. She’d thought she’d been ready for more than cuddling after the panty-melting kiss and the feel of him on top of her. But, with sunlight and reality diffusing through the room, she was thankful one of them had practiced self-control.
She slipped out from under his arm and held her breath, but he remained deeply asleep. On tiptoes, she made her way back to her room. A sound froze her in the middle of the hall. Her mom was coming out of her room in a robe, her face caught in mid-yawn when they made eye contact.
Harper shook her head and continued into her room, shutting the door and pressing her flaming cheek against the cool wood. Any other mother might have been discreet or embarrassed enough not to question her. No such luck with her mom. It would be the Inquisition over coffee.
Harper took her time showering and dressing but was still the first one downstairs. The kitchen was empty, although a fresh pot of coffee steamed and pancake batter was mixed and ready to cook. Harper sent up a quick prayer and headed toward the coffeepot.
“Well, well, well.” Her mom’s voice came from over Harper’s shoulder.
She fumbled her thankfully empty mug and decided to play ignorant. “Good morning.”
“I planned to chew your butt this morning about how rude you were last night. But looks like you apologized already. How was it?”
“How was what?” She poured a cup of coffee and hoped her mom didn’t noticed her shaking hands.
“The sex,” her mom said in a stage whisper.
“Oh my God, shush. Nothing happened.”
“Nothing?”
“Almost nothing.” Harper rolled her eyes. “A kiss. Or two. That’s it. It was late, and I fell asleep in my clothes.”
Her mom made a grumpy harrumphing noise. “That’s disappointing. But I take encouragement from the fact at least one part of your body made physical contact with a red-blooded, very handsome man.”
A blush raced over her body, setting her on fire. “Mom. Please, don’t embarrass me.”
“Who me?” Her mom was the picture of refined innocence. Except for her smile. It was pure mischievousness. “I’m tickled pink to see you interested in a man.”
“But—”
“No buts. Noah would want you to be happy, and Bennett would get his stamp of approval. After all, Noah thought enough of him to name your son after him.” Her mom ladled pancake batter on the hot griddle.
If only it could be that simple. Or could it? Could she ignore the intersecting of their lives now they were on the same road?
Bennett’s heavy footsteps on the stairs were accompanied by the patter of dog paws. Without making eye contact with her, Bennett let the dog out the back to do his business. Of course, that could be because she was studiously avoiding Bennett’s eyes. What had seemed simple in darkness was drawn in stark terms in the light of day.
He took a seat at the kitchen table. Harper flipped two pancakes on a plate and slid it in front of him like a short-order cook.
He grabbed her wrist before she could retreat, his grip implacable but his thumb gentle on her pulse point.
“Morning.” An unspoken question hung between them.
The same uncertainty she felt reflected in his eyes. She relaxed and turned her hand enough to give his forearm an answering touch. “Good morning.”
The tension withered with the flash of his smile.
“Did you sleep well, Bennett?” Her mom set down two more plates of pancakes, the tease in her voice not in any way tempered.
Harper gave her ankle a nudge under the table.
“Best night of sleep I’ve had in a long time, actually.” He took a big bite of pancake, his gaze never wavering from Harper’s.
Underlying his claim were darker hints
of things to come. A blush raised her body temperature to near boiling. She backed toward the door. “I’ll go wake Ben.”
She jogged up the stairs and peeked in at Ben. His cheeks were full and reddened and his mouth soft. She perched on the edge of his bed and ran her hand over his hair. If only someone could bottle the innocence of a child at sleep.
Except not all children got to enjoy an innocent childhood. Her thoughts drifted to Bennett and the little he’d told her of his life in foster care and before. She resisted the urge to grab Ben close and hug him tight. He would probably accuse her of trying to give him cooties.
Instead, she brushed her finger over his cheek until his eyes fluttered open with a yawn.
“Yaya has pancakes ready.” It was their Saturday morning routine.
“Yay!” He scooted around her. “Is Big Ben still here?”
“He’s downstairs.”
She caught the back of Ben’s shirt on the start of his streak downstairs. “Bathroom first.”
Ben trudged by her to the bathroom. She waited for him and they made their way downstairs side by side until Bennett came into view. Ben launched himself at Bennett for a hug, her son chattering about books and school and whatever crossed his mind. Harper stood in the doorway of the kitchen, her eyes dry but her heart clawing to break free.
Her mom had turned away to flip pancakes but wiped at her eyes. She and her mom had done their best to fill any void left by Noah’s death, but their best hadn’t been enough. The realization hurt.
Harper put her hand on Ben’s shoulder and guided him toward his seat. “Your breakfast is getting cold, pumpkin.”
Ben took his seat but continued to talk even as he ate. “After breakfast, can we go play outside?” He was looking at Bennett and not her.
Bennett’s gaze flicked toward her, and she jumped in to save him. “We won’t have time, sweetie. Bennett and I have to drive down to Fort Bragg to see about leasing a space for the coffee shop.”
The disappointment on Ben’s face twisted a knife into her chest.
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