Jump Then Fall

by Sarah Sanders

  She’s too young…tomorrow she’ll get up, panic and leave. It’s a good thing that we didn’t tell each other our full names and designations. That way we only connected as two people in this moment. Names and designations when you’re in the same company can get in the way. Change perceptions. You’re no longer just people discovering and responding to another person.

  No one in my life has ever particularly wanted me. I’ve always been rejected and left. Why would this be any different? There is a reason why there has been no one for over ten years. I cannot handle any more rejection. Why did I let this happen?

  “Let this happen?” something scoffed at her, there was no stopping it.

  Her first sight of Ika had completely shaken the foundations of her world. And when Ika actually joined her on the beach, she nearly exploded with joy. And then…

  Ika had actually felt her. That was beyond shocking. And a little scary.

  She was a miracle. Ika…funny, warm, intelligent, easy to talk to, open, sexy, passionate…she knew how to carry a conversation and also how to carry a silence. She was the perfect mix of exuberance and seriousness. Of Lightness and depth…and, ok, honestly, a wet dream. Incredible in bed.

  If it was just this one night, it is still worth it.

  But Ree knew that one night wasn’t what she wanted. Forever. I want forever with her. I want this night to never end.

  Am I too old for a relationship? To set in my ways? Can I change? Be who Ika would need, if this thing had any chance of going beyond this one mind bending night? The answer was easy…yes. The truth was that Ree wasn’t too set in her ways. Yes, like everyone else she had certain things that she liked in certain ways, but almost everything was negotiable. In fact, that has been the problem in the past. I was always to accommodating. Too willing to do things in the way the other person wanted…which is why they probably never saw me.

  My need for approval. My need to be liked. To belong. Childhood really screws up everyone, Ree thought. The younger of two kids, Ree’s father was mostly absent while growing up. Her mother had practically been a single parent. And an extremely partial one at that. Ree was always the outsider in the unit that contained Ree’s mother and older brother. She was mostly neglected. Maybe not physically, but definitely emotionally. As a result Ree grew up to be a person with a desperate need to be all important to someone yet constantly choosing people who would not want her. Seeking to be loved by self-abnegation. Never feeling confident to asking or receiving love. Not feeling deserving of love. Typical behaviour of a neglected child.

  But then the expectation from love was always that the other person would take the time to learn you, make the effort to care about you – the same that you would do. How else would a relationship work? She rationalised.

  But yours never did. No relationship has ever worked for you…that annoying voice didn’t let up.

  Wait…did I just say “love”? The underlying quicksilver emotion rose to the top laughing and giggling.

  My heart still on my sleeve much? I’m still jumping into deep waters without knowing how to swim? Will I never learn? Do I want to learn?

  Ten years of all that self-protection. Ten years of not feeling anything for anyone. Ten years of learning to be in a good place without looking for love…for a partner.

  Ten years of denying who I am.

  Ree was the ultimate romantic. All she every wanted in her life was to have a partner. Share her life with someone. She’d always felt that her life would really start when she’d find the right person. That no one ‘right’ ever came in her life so traumatic that she had completely closed and sealed the doors. Ten years and now I am suddenly back to behaving exactly the way I used to.

  Am I really any different now? The first time in ten years that I have felt something and it is exactly like the first time.

  Ree knew she had self-worth issues. She had learnt this very, very painfully through terrible relationships when she chose partners to whom she didn’t matter. Ree now knew that her personality, the one she hid under her façade of confidence, stemmed from her childhood. From a seemingly loving mother who had constantly and consistently marginalised and rejected her in favour of her older brother.

  It had taken her many years to recognise this. To forgive her mother. To let herself free. To know she deserved more. But knowing that and believing that were two different things. She still felt that she was no one’s choice. She’d learnt to cover this part of her effectively in all her interactions so that nobody guessed just how needy she was. For love. For acceptance. For being important to someone.

  All those thoughts were fruitless and would go nowhere. She’d just get so scared and self-protective that she’d push Ika away before even knowing whether there would be a second time for them.

  She determinedly stopped her thoughts, taking a few deep breaths and clearing her mind…a meditation technique she’d learnt to still her mind.

  Ika made an incoherent sound and shifted a little. Ree held her a little closer. Now is Ika. Now is beautiful. I need to get over myself and give me a chance for happiness. For Ika.

  **************************************************************

  Day 2

  It was five thirty in the morning and Ika was running across the resort to her room barefoot, flip flops in hand.

  Ree had woken her up at five, but inevitably, the good morning kiss had extended into a little…okay, a lot…more. Ika had never want someone so badly. She just couldn’t get enough of Ree…and much to her giddy delight, Ree seemed to feel the same way.

  In just five or five-and-a-half hours, and everyone would be gone and she would have at least five or six uninterrupted hours with Ree before people started coming back and her work started again. She couldn’t wait.

  Ika burst into her room like a tornado.

  “Hey, look who’s appeared…my invisible roommate!” her roommate, Gigi deadpanned from where she was sitting sipping her coffee, painting her nails. Gigi was a few years older than Ika in age and in Translink, and the two girls had quickly become friends.

  “Good morning to you too, Giga,” Ika trilled.

  “Oooooooo…looks like someone got some last night,” Gigi’s eyebrows danced.

  “Shut up, Gig,” Ika raced across the room collecting her clothes for the day and disappearing into the bathroom to get ready. Need to get my underclothes back from Ree, she made a mental note as she unconsciously hummed Taylor Swift’s Everything Has Changed under her breath. She somehow felt much bigger than the world and at the same time much lighter than air. She felt filled with joy and excitement. Ree, the name filled her brain, her soul.

  ***************************************************************

  By ten-thirty in the morning everyone had been seen off. It all went like a well-oiled clockwork. All the boats were in time and in place. Everyone loaded onto their assigned tours.

  While usually gregarious and vivacious, Ika’s usual people skills had shot into the stratosphere. She couldn’t stop smiling…and her smile filled the world with a radiance, with optimism. She was witty, friendly and spread happiness like it was her given duty in life. She sparkled and shone. She was magical. More than two dozen people sighed at her shrine, looked at her sentimentally asking to meet her again as soon as they returned. It felt that everyone wanted a piece of her. Of the sparkle she exuded. She’d smiled, laughed and fobbed all wannabe beaux off.

  Today was the lightest day for her team. The evening entertainment was outsourced so they didn’t need to be there on the island to oversee any preparations. Whatever little checking needed to be done could be done on return. All her teammates had chosen their trips. When Ika elected to stay back and take care of any required co-ordination for the evening, there were many surprised exclamations, but not too many questions – plus she was also crowned as the most self-sacrificing and valuable teammate. This was an epithet she could do without…considering that she was staying back only…and only…fo
r herself. But she couldn’t do much about clearing this misunderstanding about her perceived nobility and tried her best to downplay her decision to stay back as anything gallant.

  She couldn’t have been more excited at the prospect of having a full day off to be with…play with…Ree. To discover the person…and okay…be discovered by her in more ways than one.

  What exactly was this feeling? She felt expansive and bubbly. She felt drunk on life. She was euphoric. Present in every moment like she had never been before and yet completely in another place, another space…somewhere where there was only Ree…her velvety voice, her mischievous humour, her expressive eyes, her thrilling touch, her wicked mouth, her deft fingers…a thrill of skittish shiver ran all over Ika as all things Ree passed through her mind.

  Was it even possible to feel all this much for a person…let alone a person she had met not even twenty-four hours ago? Can someone become the centre…the meaning…of your existence in such a short period of time? Yes, her entire being answered, it happened on first sight…at first touch.

  Ika practically bounced on her feet as the last boat pulled away. As soon as it gathered a little speed, she gave in to her feeling and whooped with excitement, jumping with joy. She fished out her phone and called Ree.

  “Hi gorgeous, where are you?” Ree answered her cell phone.

  Ika giggled. “Just called to check whether you’re awake.”

  “Very much awake…and missing you.”

  “I’ll see you in ten…and Ree, you got to give me back my underwear,” Ika smiled shyly into the phone.

  “Hmmm…let’s see about that. Meet me in the pool room in ten.”

  “Okay,” Ika hung up.

  Ika ran to her room and changed out of the shorts and crew neck t-shirt that she had worn in the morning. She chose a short, short skirt and a sleeveless crop top. After a moment’s thought, she smiled to herself and removed her bra. I’ve never felt so sexy, so girly, she mused as she made her way to the games zone of the resort, or so dizzy with excitement.

  ***************************************************************

  She found Ree idly potting shots on the one of the five pool tables in the games room. Ree looked up at her from the far end of the table as she stood in the doorway for a moment. Her face lit up with the brightest smile at the sight of Ika and she straightened, lay the cue on the table and stepped around the table. Ree smiling at me has to be the most glorious sight in this universe, Ika thought, her breath catching as her world seemed to right itself into a slow whirl of happiness and colour.

  Unable to contain herself for a second more, Ika ran across the long room to Ree and jumped onto her, squeezing her arms and legs around Ree, bending down to kiss her passionately.

  “Hi,” she smiled, finally raising her head when she was completely breathless.

  “Hi,” Ree said softly, smiling back at her.

  “Last night was…,” Ika said shyly, blushing and brushing her fingers along Ree’s temples, loving the few strands of white peppering the sides. It makes her look even more distinguished, thought Ika.

  “Was okay?” Ree sounded uncertain.

  Startled by the question and the tone, Ika looked at Ree, “That’s not a serious question, right?”

  Ree raised a shoulder in a half shrug, but she looked tentative and didn’t quite make eye contact.

  “Ree, look at me. Were you not there with me last night?” Ika said gently, framing Ree’s face with her hands and making eye contact…momentarily getting lost in the dark brown pools of liquid love that were Ree’s eyes.

  Ree smiled at her…the smile not quite reaching her eyes.

  “What is it, sweetie?” Ika asked, still cupping Ree’s face with both hands and making her look at her. Ree was shocked that Ika again caught on to her emotions so easily…and so quickly.

  “It’s been such a long time since I did it, I’m not sure I know what to do any more,” Ree mumbled, looking awkward.

  Ika’s jaw dropped to the floor. “Ree, that was you not knowing what to do?!?!?!”

  Ree lowered her eyes. She has such beautifully curling eyelashes, the thought came unbidden to Ika.

  “I’m not sure whether I should be scared or excited right now. God help me when you know what to do,” Ika giggled.

  “Last night was the single biggest celebration of my life…,” she said softly. “You’ve made me feel things I’ve never felt before…I’ve not thought possible,” she kissed Ree softly. “I’ve never been as out of control as I was last night nor have I been a screamer before last night,” she blushed.

  “Babe, you’re glorious, you know that, right?” Ree asked. “I don’t know how someone like you is with me,” she looked at Ika, worship spilling out of her eyes.

  “Please don’t ever stop feeling that way,” Ika grinned. “Now, do you want to let me down or are you going to carry me around all day?” she said bringing them out of the moment that was getting way too charged.

  “I heard that you wanted your underwear back,” Ree grinned, a tad wickedly.

  “Yes,” Ika blushed again, remembering how she’d handed her panty and bra over to Ree the previous evening.

  “You’ll have to win it back,” Ree declared, letting Ika get off her.

  “Say what?”

  “Bet you to a game…you win, you get your underclothes back…you lose, I get the underclothes you’re wearing now,” Ree looked gleefully devilish.

  “Oooooo, you think you’re so smooth, don’t you?” Ika’s eyes glinted mischief as she said challengingly.

  “Don’t stall and dodge…accept the challenge or forfeit now, bella.”

  “You’re on, hustler. I’m going to wipe this table with you and then get that shirt off your back.”

  “Stakes to be displayed on that table,” Ree pointed to a table on the side, and Ika saw her underclothes from the previous day neatly folded and kept there.

  “Seriously? You expect me to remove my underwear here? Now?”

  “No, I don’t expect you to do it,” Ree said, arms enfolding Ika, “I’m going to do it,” she slid her hands under Ika’s skirt and pulled down her panty. Ika gasped – equal measures surprised, shy and turned on – but stepped out of her panty, blushing again. At this rate I’m going to soon become a free-standing pillar of pink, red and magenta blushing, she thought wryly.

  Ree slipped her hands under Ika’s t-shirt running them across her back. One pass. A more thorough second pass…and the beginning of a frown crossed her face.

  “Found it?” Ika teased, running her fingers through Ree’s hair.

  “Stick-on bra?” Ree guessed, moving her hands to the front and finding her hands full of Ika’s breasts.

  “Guess again,” Ika smiled widely, as Ree fondled and caressed her breasts. “You don’t get to steal any more of my underwear, champ,” she grinned, running her finger down Ree’s nose… and gasped as Ree ran her thumbs across her hardened nipples and then pinched them. “Are you sure you want to play here…or would you rather play in your room?” she said seductively, looking at Ree with undress-me eyes.

  “You forfeit?” Ree’s voice was gruff with arousal.

  “You’re so going to regret not taking this chance to save your pool-challenging-face, tiger,” Ika giggled stepping away from Ree and picking up the cue. “Let’s go.”

  ***************************************************************

  Ika took aim and broke the rack, potting four solids. She looked up from her position, waggled her eyebrows and winked at Ree, who looked adorably stunned with her mouth open. She strutted over to Ree, put a finger on her chin, closing her mouth, “Toldja…your shirt’s on stake, the next table,” she chuckled, placing a light kiss on Ree’s lips, taking position again.

  With a masterful stroke she called and potted one ball with a kiss and a second one with a carom. That left just one more solid on the table. She stood and looked at the spread planning her next stroke. With all the stripes surro
unding it, potting didn’t seem possible. In a devious move, she hit the cue ball so that it pushed her solid closer to a pocket and then got stuck to the frame…the most difficult position for her opponent to strike from.

  “Hmmm, wily,” Ree commented, taking position. With her first strike, she called and potted one striped ball and brought the cue ball out in a more comfortable position. She studied the lay of the table and called five shots for her next strike.

  “That’s impossible,” Ika said.

  “Prepare to be dazzled, amateur,” Ree grinned. She settled into serious aiming and let loose, executing the called shots to perfection. She looked up at Ika who seemed completely blown. “Eating your words yet?” she teased, moving around the table to pot her last object ball.