Jump Then Fall

by Sarah Sanders

  “Ree, you’re already Sheldon,” Ika laughed.

  “Want some tea or coffee?” smiling.

  “What I really want is to sit in that snazzy jacuzzi pool of yours and have a drink. You think it’s too early in the day to drink? Does that make me a lush?” Ika asked uncertainly.

  “Nope…any time is a good time to do what you want to do, babe…and I’ll keep you from being a lush,” Ree assured her warmly. “What do you want to drink? Wine?”

  “Actually I prefer cocktails and liqueurs.”

  “So what will it be?”

  “Baileys or Malibu.”

  “Coming up…you want to get into the pool while I get the drinks?”

  “You’re the best,” Ika hugged Ree enthusiastically, kissing her on the cheek and going to the pool.

  Ika stripped completely unabashedly, getting into the smaller pool which was actually an outdoor version of a large bathtub and had the jacuzzi, naked. I’ve never felt this physical and emotional comfort with anyone ever, she thought. I’ve never felt this connected or complete with anyone either.

  She stretched luxuriously enjoying the water warmed by the sun and the dappled sunrays that floated in gently through the tall potted plants surrounding the pool. A bamboo mat awning ensured that the sun didn’t hit the guest harshly. It was all planned and designed to pamper the guest to the hilt.

  She was facing the French windows that led from the room to the pool, waiting for Ree. Her heart felt it would burst with the magnitude of feeling that the thought of Ree evoked in her.

  And there she was. Bringing with her a tray that had two glasses, a bottle of Malibu, an ice bucket and some dry munchies – salted peanuts and cashew nuts, carrot and cucumber fingers and suchlike. Wearing a black t-shirt that came to the middle of her thighs.

  Their eyes connected and they smiled at each other, an energy and sincerity passing between them.

  Ree waked around the pool, placed the tray in easy reaching distance from Ika, and walked into the pool, t-shirt and all, as Ika watched her speculatively as she came closer.

  “Ree, are you going to hide from me for the rest of our lives?” she asked.

  Ree stopped abruptly a foot from Ika. There were two important things Ika said in this one short question. Ree focussed on the more important part.

  “What did you say?”

  “Are you going to hide from me for the rest of our lives?” Ika repeated…this time she heard it and her mouth formed an ‘O’ and her hands went up to cover her gaping mouth…wide, wide eyes staring at Ree.

  “‘For the rest of our lives?’” Ree asked…what was that emotion in her voice and eyes?

  Panic entered Ika’s eyes.

  “Ika?...‘The rest of our lives’?”

  Cornered, Ika gave a small nod. “Sorry…too much, too soon,” she said in a very small voice, turning an impressive shade of brick and looking down.

  “You really think so?” Ree came closer.

  Ika didn’t know where to hide and felt close to tears of embarrassment.

  Ree wove one arm around her waist and hooked a finger under her chin, “Look at me, Ika…do I look freaked out?”

  Ika did the under-her-lashes thing again, her eyes a little panicked…and felt Ree’s heart skip a beat before thudding a mile a minute.

  “The rest of our lives sounds just about the right time span to me, babe,” Ree said softly, smiling.

  Tears of relief leaked out unbidden from Ika’s eyes and she hugged Ree hard, sniffling.

  “There is nothing I want more than to spend my life with you. Ika…you are everything that was missing in my life. I thought I would have to stalk you around till you threw me out of your life – and I was planning on doing just that,” Ree’s honeyed voice was thick with emotion.

  “You know that’s never going to happen, right?” Ika mumbled against Ree’s chest. “I’ve been petrified that you’ll disappear from my life after Krabi,” sniff.

  “Babe, I’m not going anywhere till you push me away, or toss me away or discard me,” Ree promised. Oh shit! Her deep, deep fear and expectation of being discarded surfaced at the worst possible moment in the worst possible way. This cannot be good.

  “Why would you think I’d do that, Ree?” Ika asked, “You know I love you, right?”

  Ree simply smiled, but her smile didn’t quite reach her eyes. Again, that slight stiffening.

  “Ree, why do you always get a little defensive when I say that? I can feel you stiffen each time I tell you that I love you. Why are you blocking me out?” Ika probed gently. “Why do I get the feeling it makes you cautious and self-protective? Have I done something to make you not trust me?”

  “It’s not you, babe. You’re beyond perfect,” Ree assured her, kissing her palm. “I guess it is me and my own issues.”

  “Sweetie, your issues affect me too. Talk to me,” Ika said cupping Ree’s cheek with one hand.

  Ree sighed heavily. “Look, I am sorry if I make you feel I’m blocking you out. I promise you I’m not…I can’t even begin telling you how much I love you…and just how over the moon I am that you are with me,” she said.

  “But? Ree, I need to know the ‘but’. If you don’t tell me, how can we work it out?” Ika said tenderly…but persistently, sensing that this was something very important and not willing to let it go, “There is nothing I want…or ever wanted…more in my life that for this to work out between us. Please work with me here, honey,” she entreated.

  Ree looked at her intently and intensely, biting inside her lip. Ika saw her come to a decision.

  “Can we get out of the pool and go in?” Ree requested.

  ***************************************************************

  Dry and dressed, they say on the sofa. Ree sat facing forward pensively, while Ika sat close to her, facing her, pressed close to her, running her fingers through Ree’s hair.

  Ree took a sip of her drink. Then another. Ika sat watching her patiently, giving her the time she needed. It was clear that Ree was grappling with some past demons and struggling to get the narrative out.

  “Sweetie, I love you to death,” Ika prompted gently, “I want you to be able to accept that completely. If you have defences up and push me away, I won’t know how to reach you. I don’t want this to end between us, Ree…please talk to me…and please trust me.”

  Ree sighed heavily once again and took another sip of her drink and visibly gathered herself.

  “I was involved with someone once,” she started, her voice flat. “It was a rollercoaster relationship. She dumped me, quite horribly after nine months choosing to be with a married man…that was more ‘acceptable’ for the society. Less stigma. It took me almost ten years to get a grip over myself.”

  Ika’s heart clenched with a little hurt and a little insecurity to know that she wasn’t Ree’s first love. But she held her hurt at bay, knowing she needed to know Ree’s past to become her future. Knowing that Ree had lived way longer than her, and that it wasn’t possible that someone as emotional and loving as Ree would not have a past.

  “I then fell in love with another girl. She loves me still…but in a totally friendzoned way. Which is a good thing because we have a much better and richer relationship as friends than we could have had as anything else. We’d have been a disaster if we had ever got together. But I was heartbroken at her rejection when it happened…she was straight.

  “I rebounded and fell in love again with someone totally unsuitable…again. I am such a loser, right?” she said self-deprecatingly. It was a rhetorical question. Ree took a few more sips of her drink before continuing.

  “This third girl was…I don’t even know how to describe her. She completely didn’t get me in any way though she loved me as much as it was possible for her. She also claims to be straight…but I’m not sure about that. It never went into the physical realm. She got terrified of her attraction for me and dumped me in a thoroughly vehement and emotionally violent way – in thr
ee months.

  “I was shattered. These were too many rejections administered too brutally on me. And it all happened on top of extremely low self-worth that I have. I was so shattered that I lost feelings totally. This was almost twelve years back. Since then, I have lived life in the ‘content’ mode.

  “Then you happened,” she looked at Ika finally.

  “What I am feeling for you terrifies me, Ika,” she whispered. “I called what I felt before you ‘love’ for lack of better word. Now I finally know what love is with you. You possess every fibre of my being, every pore of my skin. You are my belief, my faith,” she looked at Ika completely vulnerable, heart in her eyes.

  “I want you…I need you, Ika, and I am so scared that you’re going to soon tire of me, or run scared of a relationship with a woman. I won’t be able to handle it when it happens, so I guess unconsciously or subconsciously, I am preparing for the worst.”

  Ika was breathless at the honesty with which Ree had just laid herself completely bare. She had not prevaricated at all. She had made herself totally vulnerable, shared her worst insecurities, told her exactly who and where she was…told her things that would’ve probably taken years to uncover. She had just handed herself over to Ika…displaying staggering trust.

  This was huge and Ika was humbled at how much Ree had exposed herself. It proved to Ika, like nothing else could, just how much she meant to Ree and how much Ree wanted them to work out.

  She felt her heart would burst with the overwhelming emotions filling it. She hugged Ree’s head to her chest.

  A couple of seconds later, Ree moved, took Ika’s hand and kissed the back. “I’m sorry Ika…this was really too much, too soon. I’m sorry. I’m quite a mess. I think you deserve someone simpler…someone lighter…someone younger…” shakily.

  “But I love you and I want you,” Ika interrupted. “Don’t push me away Ree. Just. Don’t.”

  She took a deep breath. “Ree, do you believe me that I love you?”

  Ree nodded.

  “Good. Do you want us to work out?”

  “More than anything else.”

  “So do I. Can you meet me halfway to make that happen?”

  “I’d do anything, babe.”

  “Sweetie, the first thing is that you need to stop blocking me. You panicked and ran away from me when you got to know my age. You build protective walls and expect the worst when I tell you I love you. Right now, after sharing with me, you pushed me away,” she said gently, caressing Ree’s face. “You have to stop doing these things, sweets, or you’ll create a self-fulfilling prophecy. I cannot work on this alone…you have to help me.”

  Ree gulped, but looked at her steadily and nodded.

  “Can you do that, Ree? Can you believe that I love you? Can you trust it? Can you trust me?” she looked into Ree’s eyes intently.

  Ree nodded slowly. “I will,” she committed.

  “Do you see your feeling for me changing anytime soon?”

  “Never…what I feel for you is too strong…too primal to me. It is everything I am.”

  Ika kissed Ree softly on her lips. “I feel exactly the same. Will you be able to have faith that you deserve to get back the love that you give? That you are literally everything to me?”

  Ree nodded.

  “I get it that it may take you time to get over long-established patterns…but promise me that you will not run away from me, Ree.”

  “I promise.”

  “I may not always be able to deal with your demons in the best way or the most mature way…promise me you’ll trust my feeling for you…you will trust that I want to be only with you, nevertheless.”

  Ree nodded. She felt all wobbly inside. Ika’s love and patience was devastating in the most tender way.

  “Sweetie, will you fight for us? Can you do that for me? For us?”

  Ree’s emotions were too close to the surface. She bit her lip to stop tears that were threatening to spill. “Yes,” she choked out…a vow.

  “I don’t know all my insecurities. I don’t know what all baggage I am carrying. When I go to pieces, I will need you to hold me. When I scream, I will need you to cover my ears. When I am irrational, I will need you to walk me back. You cannot run away from me or block me or withdraw from me at those times...we won’t make it if you withdraw, sweetie. Will you fight for us against yourself and against my demons?”

  “I will.” Ree was blown away by the fact that Ika, who was so much younger than her, was emotionally miles ahead. She felt outmatched and totally out of her league…but determined to follow, learn, grow and be deserving of Ika.

  “I love you,” Ika whispered, running her thumb across Ree’s lips. “Thank you for letting me in.”

  Ree kissed the thumb…and this time a single tear ran down her cheek. “I love you too,” she replied, her eyes overflowing with adoration for the marvel that had graced her life, “So much,” she whispered.

  Ika hugged Ree close to her. She is emotionally as fragile as she is expansive. As deep and vulnerable as she is confident and calm. She is precious, Ika thought as she was overcome by a flood of fierce protectiveness for the person who held her heart and soul. At some level Ika also realised that she was probably more equipped to handle and deal with the emotional struggles that existed and would crop up between them. Ree was something of a babe in the woods when it came to relationships with a propensity towards building walls and stepping away in self-preservation. Ika was going to have to keep them together and on path. And she was determined to do it.

  “Will you give me my drink now or are you going to drink that whole bottle by yourself?” Ika grinned, expertly leading them out of an emotional tsunami, once again.

  ***************************************************************

  They watched a little bit of the show that Ree was watching, sipped on their drinks and talked. Both knew that their emotions were a little delicate after the intense conversation a short while back and they found themselves shelving the previous conversation for the time being exchanging anecdotes about the funniest and most absurd conversations they’d ever had and people they’d ever met. They intermittently swapped soft kisses that somehow felt deeper and more intense than ever before.

  Their relationship had just turned many levels deeper and much more steadfast than probable in the very short time span they had known each other. They’d skipped weeks, months and years to achieve an intimate closeness and intense commitment. Every look exchanged, every touch had just become much more profound.

  “Secret goal?” Ika asked.

  “To write a killer song like Walk like an Egyptian where no two words have any connection with each other. It’s totally random…mostly goofy nonsensical gibberish. It’s absolutely brilliant.”

  “What?”

  “There are old paintings dancing on walls in tombs and falling down domino-like, gold crocodiles are snapping teeth on cigarettes, foreign types are saying way oh…it is genius.”

  Ika giggled. “Crazy person.”

  “Secret ambition?”

  “To claim land on Antarctica and establish my own country.”

  “Ooohh…good one. I’ll be your second.” Kiss.

  “Most ridiculous fear which you don’t mind having?”

  “Horror movies…I get scared even in spoofs of horror movies. I saw about ten minutes of Scary Movie 3, got scared and switched it off. Something that you really wanted to do for a long time and were totally disappointed when you did it?”

  “See a live baseball game. You’re sitting so far that you end up watching the game on the giant screens anyways. Might as well watch it on TV then. There is the whole brouhaha about the live atmosphere…which didn’t do much for me either. Something that you would like to change in your past?” Ika knew she was treading thin emotional ice with this one.

  “Nothing,” very prompt reply. “Changing anything in the past could change today…could change now…could change the fact that I met you…and there
is nothing worth trading you for,” warm brown eyes liquid with love.

  Ika’s breath hitched at the words and she dove into the crook of Ree’s shoulder, completely overcome. Her hurt and insecurity that Ree had loved someone before her just…dissipated. Ree’s hand around her waist tightened.

  Neither of them had noticed when exactly Ree’s hand had moved into Ika’s pants and inside her cunt. But Ika was feeling the effect. Big time.

  “I love it when you do that,” Ika blushed her confession, feeling Ree’s fingers moving sensuously within her.

  Ree was enchanted by the fact that Ika could be the entire spectrum from slut to shy about sex. That she was an unwavering pillar of strength who held Ree together in one instant and coy and bashful with her in another. She was captivated by the girl who had so many layers and so many facets.