Jump Then Fall

by Sarah Sanders

  Individually, whenever they thought about life without the other, it petrified them. Made them breathless. Brought them to their knees in tears. No, they most certainly wanted the other in their lives. All day long they called the other to connect and yet, the calls ended in awkward silences.

  ***

  “Ree,” Ika walked into the den where Ree was quietly reading.

  “Hi baby,” Ree looked at her, eyes showing trepidation and love in equal measures. Ika had just spent the past twenty minutes screaming at Ree for reasons that neither of them still knew.

  Ika looked miserable and fearful. She looked about ten as she climbed into Ree’s lap. She hid her face in the crook of Ree’s neck, grabbed a handful of Ree’s shirt and started sobbing piteously. Ree held her tenderly, heart bursting with empathic sorrow. She cooed to Ika rubbing her back soothingly and let her cry herself out.

  “Ree,” Ika hiccupped after a long, long time, “I don’t want to be a bitch with you. I don’t want to fight with you, Ree. I am sorry…so sorry.”

  “Shhh…it’s okay, love.”

  “Ree, please don’t leave me,” Ika sobbed.

  “Never. Baby, I love you.”

  “You do? Still?” Ika asked in a small voice.

  “Always, Ika, always.”

  “I love you too, Ree,” Ika broke into fresh tears, “I can’t bear to be without you.”

  “Tell me what’s really bothering you…I promise you we can work it out,” Ree placed a kiss on the crown of Ika’s head.

  “Ree, I’m miserable when you go away and then when you come back I am angry with you for having gone away a..a..an..and I lash out…I’m so sorry, Ree…I know you have to go to all offices…I am sorry for fighting…for screaming…I love you, Ree,” Ika said brokenly.

  “Do you want me to stop travelling, baby?”

  “I know you have to…Translink worldwide needs you,” Ika hiccupped. “Ree, I know that but I hate it when you’re away…and you’re away so much.”

  “Sweetie, I hate being away from you too. I cannot function without you. I am quite wretched when I have to go,” Ree confessed. “There is something I’ve been thinking for a long time now…can I tell you?”

  Ika looked at her from under her lashes, petrified. Please don’t say we should take a break. Please don’t say we need space. Please don’t say words like ‘trial separation’. Please Ree…make us work.

  Ree looked at her and kissed her. “It’s nothing bad, my love…what I’ve been thinking is that I’d like you to be with me. Will it be okay with you if we change your department and designation? You can be my Executive Assistant.”

  “That’s blatant nepotism, Ree.”

  “It isn’t. I’ve been wanting someone in that role for years now, but just didn’t have anyone I could completely trust and depend upon. I need someone who can pull me up when, challenge my decisions…with whom I can discuss my ideas and plans…who can come up with their own ideas without…and I didn’t know anyone who could do this…who I know will look out for me and for Translink. You’re the first person in whom I can repose complete faith. It is a need not nepotism.”

  “Are you sure, Ree? There are many people much more senior who are thoroughly loyal to you.”

  “Maybe…but I am looking for someone who isn’t yet thoroughly Translink-ized…someone who has fresh eyes and fresh ideas…someone who is cued into the current generation and knows what the future will look like. You meet all these requirements perfectly. Most importantly, I need to feel safe with them. And you’re the only person I feel completely safe with. Say yes, Ika…I really need this.”

  “How will it work, Ree? What will I have to do?”

  “Shadow me. The role will grow and develop as we go ahead. We’ll be together more. You’ll travel with me. I promise you we’ll even cut down travelling if you want. Give it a shot, baby.”

  “What if I fail you? What if I’m not up to it? I don’t want you to lose face, Ree.”

  “My love, I need someone who is intelligent, curious, cued-in…you have all these qualities in spades. I need someone I can trust...you know there is no one I trust more than you. Trust me, Ika…it will work.” What Ree didn’t want to tell yet was that she was thinking long term. She was seeing Ika as her successor and wanted to start grooming her for the role without putting the pressure of that knowledge on her.

  “Can I have some time to think about this, Ree? Is that okay?” Ika asked hesitantly.

  “Take as much time as you want, baby. If you don’t want to make the change and just want me to stop travelling, let me know. Nothing – nothing – is more important than us to me, Ika…but let’s talk about things and find solutions, not only fight, okay? I mean fighting is fine, but we need to talk too.”

  Ika straightened up and kissed Ree with heartbreaking tenderness. The kiss was like water on parched earth. It had been so long since this emotion flowed between them. Ree kissed her back with all the roiling love within her.

  “Ree, take me to bed,” Ika whispered against Ree’s mouth. It had been weeks and weeks since she’d said this.

  They got up from the sofa and Ika climbed Ree wrapping her arms and legs around her, nuzzling and kissing her neck and shoulders and Ree carried her into their bedroom. They simply cuddled and kissed for a long time. When they made love that night, it was a reaffirmation of their commitment to each other. It was a reaffirmation of their love.

  ***

  Ika felt enveloped in warmth when she came to consciousness. Ree was spooning her, with one hand holding her breast possessively. She hummed her pleasure softly. Felt a kiss on her shoulder. “Good morning, beautiful,” Ree murmured.

  Ika turned her head and placed a quick kiss on Ree’s lips before scooting to the edge of the bed to quickly pop in a dissolving mint strip in her mouth. This was a habit she got from Ree. Ree loved to loll around in bed and didn’t want to gross herself or Ika out with morning breath or smoker’s mouth, so she popped the mint strip in her mouth to keep it fresh. Ika rolled back into Ree’s arms to kiss her properly.

  “I’ve missed you,” she said softly.

  “I’ve missed you too, baby…and much more when we have been here and distant than when I was travelling,” Ree confessed.

  Ika nuzzled Ree’s neck. “It completely breaks me when I’m not all over you in bed or when you’re not holding me when I get up,” Ika nibbled Ree’s ear lobe and rolled on top of her.

  Then, there were no more words for a while as sexy times rolled. Only sounds. Lots of sounds. Sexy sounds. And then a soft release of satisfaction that hung around them and wrapped them in a special haze. Ika lay limp and sated on Ree. Ika slid off Ree, turning around so that Ree was spooning her again, and wrapping one of Ree’s arms firmly around her waist as the other lay under her neck.

  “Ree.”

  “Ya, sweetheart.”

  “You’d promised me that when I go crazy and lose my shit, you will not shut me out or withdraw. Remember?” trifle nervously.

  “Of course, I remember. And I don’t do that, do I?”

  “Ree, you don’t touch me when we are fighting,” Ika said in a very small voice.

  “I thought you didn’t want me to.”

  “You don’t touch me in any way…even casually. You don’t hold me. You don’t cuddle. You don’t make love to me.”

  Ree felt warm tears landing on her bicep under Ika’s head. She turned Ika around to face her. “Baby, I’m sorry. I really thought you didn’t want to be touched in those times…especially by me,” distressed.

  “I feel punished and rejected when you don’t touch me, Ree,” Ika looked at her with overflowing eyes.

  Ree was completely nonplussed. “I’m sorry,” was all she could say.

  “No matter what, I need you to be touching me when I get up,” Ika’s luminous eyes were pleading.

  “I promise you, you’ll always be in my arms every morning,” Ree kissed her. And kissed her. Then some more…before moving d
own her throat and then to her breasts. “Try and keep me away,” she almost growled, her hands all over Ika’s body, fingertips and blunt nails leaving goosebumps as they moved. Ika undulated and writhed, not surprised by how quickly she was crazy wet again.

  Ree’s hand moved between Ika’s legs delighted to feel how wet she was. “In fact, don’t be surprised if you wake up to me making love to you every morning,” Ree’s voice was thick as she replaced her hand with her mouth and ate Ika out like she was starving. Ika bucked under Ree’s mouth, fingers clenching Ree’s hair as she screamed her approval with a string of obscenities. God, I’m such a pushover when it comes to her, she probably only has to look at me and I come, one tiny coherent part of Ika thought.

  When Ika got up from the languorous nap that she had succumbed to after the last round of lovemaking, she felt Ree’s hand cupping her between her legs.

  “Hmmm…this is how I want to get up every morning,” she mumbled.

  “Is that so?”

  “Yeah,” Ika said turning around, facing Ree and sliding one leg over her so that she was fully open to Ree’s touch and Ree’s fingers slipped into her delicious wetness, playing. “I want you to be holding my cunt, squeezing me, kneading me or rubbing me,” she kissed Ree’s shoulder. “Or I want you to be playing inside my pussy,” she raised herself and peppered Ree’s face with small kisses, “Or I want you to be pumping inside me, fucking me senseless,” she smiled against Ree’s lips.

  “You got it,” Ree practically gasped back, claiming Ika’s lips in a kiss so possessive and so sexual that Ika simply dissolved.

  “Put your fingers inside me, Ree,” she groaned, “but don’t fuck me yet…I need to talk to you.”

  Ree slipped two fingers inside Ika and continued drawing tight circles around her clit. Ika rested her head on one elbow and looked at Ree with glazed eyes. “Don’t get distracted,” she said, tracking Ree’s eyes as they fixated on her breasts.

  “I am distracted,” Ree said huskily.

  “Okay,” Ika held up a breast for Ree, “You can kiss, lick and suck only the tit for a bit…I really want to talk to you.”

  Ree rolled Ika’s tit in her mouth, clamping down on it with her lips, and Ika moaned aloud. “Fuck Ree. I’m going to…” …and she orgasmed before she could complete her sentence, and Ree took the whole breast in her mouth.

  “Ree,” Ika gasped. “We got to talk.”

  “After,” Ree said, fucking Ika hard and fast.

  ***

  It took them a couple of hours and ravenous hunger to finally get out of bed.

  “Would you like me to pierce my nipples?” Ika asked as she lay cuddled up in Ree’s lap watching some indie movie with subtitles in which the heroines had numerous piercings.

  “Do you want to?”

  “Sweetie, a question in response to a question is never an answer,” Ika said looking at Ree fondly. “I’ve asked you a question that has a simple yes or no answer. Tell me, would you like me to pierce my nipples?”

  “Nah.”

  “Okay,” Ika said settling back.

  “But if you are okay with getting pierced,” surprisingly Ree continued the conversation, “maybe you could consider…you know…or maybe not,” she trailed off.

  “Where, Ree?” Ika asked.

  “Your clitoral hood,” Ree mumbled.

  “Seriously?” Ika gawked at Ree. “That is your thing?”

  “Kind of…actually I find it incredibly sexy,” shyly.

  “You know if I do that we can’t have sex for four to six weeks, right?”

  “I’m not asking you to…just telling you since you asked.”

  “Okay,” Ika settled back and they let the topic drop.

  Ree waited. She knew when Ika started these non-sequitur kind of conversations, they were an opening gambit for more serious stuff. It was like Ika needed to rev up her mental motors. It was incredibly cute. And sure enough…

  “Ree…”

  “Hmmm?”

  “Umm…Ree…”

  “Tell me, beautiful…”

  “You know, I told you what bothers me about you when we fight…what about you, sweetie?”

  Ree was quiet. Ika turned to look at her and found that Ree’s gaze had turned inwards and she stared mid-distance while absently caressing Ika. Ika knew that Ree was taking time to self-explore and give her a proper and complete response. Ree had grown up with a mother who had a very strong personality and that had screwed her up in many, many ways. Ree’s mother was passive-aggressive, highly prejudiced and had emotionally neglected Ree. The impact and the scars of this upbringing were still open issues that they were dealing with. It was mostly because of this upbringing that Ree had subconsciously chosen to love women who would treat her like shit. It was a huge achievement for her that she had broken that particular pattern with Ika. This also meant that Ree was conditioned to supress her feelings. It was difficult for her to recognise and acknowledge what she was feeling. It was even more difficult for her to articulate those feelings. Ika was content to give Ree the time she needed, knowing that she would get her answer.

  “You know, I am conflict-avoidant,” Ree said thoughtfully. “I don’t know how to handle a fight. I don’t know how to express anger or hurt or anything in that spectrum. Loud voices make me withdraw.”

  “So me shouting is a major problem?” Ika asked gently. She knew how difficult this particular conversation was for Ree. Ree just didn’t know how to express or verbalise her emotions. She didn’t think she had a right to. It was low self-worth. Ika was holding her through the entire journey of building her self-worth.

  “Actually, I am happy that you feel the right to,” Ika looked at her lovingly. “The problem is that I don’t know how to respond. I don’t know what to do. The only way I know how to deal with conflict is quiet.”

  “But that creates more conflict, honey.”

  “I guess. I am trying to work on this, you know.”

  “I know, sweetie. I am grateful that you’re willing to accept my expression,” Ika cupped Ree’s face with tenderness. Ree gave her a small smile. It was evident that there was more.

  “I also don’t know how to make things okay, baby. Like, I would never have had the guts to start this conversation,” Ree said helplessly. “My only way of dealing with conflict is giving space and being normal.”

  “So you’re saying that it is okay that I shout but then I need to make-up?”

  “Maybe…but mostly I am saying that you need to know that I am just out of my depth and don’t know how to reach out to you when you’re angry or hurt. I don’t know how to move us past a problem.”

  “You know, talking to me after the tornado has passed would be a good idea. You tend to ignore the elephant in the room and that makes it more frustrating for me.”

  “Okay.”

  “Ree, what would you like me to do?”

  Ika was working to building and cementing their relationship with breathtaking maturity. Ree fell in love with her all over again for having this conversation. To Ree, this conversation showed Ika’s commitment to making them work like little else could. Dealing with differences was one of the biggest and most difficult areas in a relationship. Ree felt she was emotionally arrested in her ability to handle this and had Ika not been making all this effort, it would be the easiest thing for them to just fitter away. Moved, she kissed Ika’s palm.

  “Baby, I need you to be patient with me. I need you to talk to me and maybe spell things out to me because I am not the most emotionally cued-in person, you know,” she gave her a lop-sided watery smile. “And no matter what, I need you to trust me that I love you…that I will never leave you…and that you are by far the most important thing to me in my life. You know, when you get insecure about us, I seem to pick it up and get insecure too…and then it spirals and becomes a vicious circle feeding into itself and making it seem like the end of us.”

  “I can do that,” Ika said softly. “What else?”

&
nbsp; “Just be you, my love. I love how at ease you are with yourself and your emotions. I love that you feel the right to express yourself in any way you want to with me. Don’t ever think or feel that you need to change anything about yourself for me.”

  Ika leaned forward for a kiss of such unimaginable tenderness that it blew Ree’s entire being.

  ***

  “Honey, about that piercing…” Ika sat straddling Ree at the dining table, feeding her. Ika made sure that she cooked at least one meal, if not three, each day for Ree. It wasn’t like she had to…Ree had two cooks…but she wanted to. It made Ree feel particularly loved. Growing up, Ree never had her food whims catered to and it really bothered her that she never got or could ask anything to be made for her, while everything her brother wanted magically just happened.