To Protect and Serve

by Pat Adeff

  What? What was he talking about? She wasn’t the one asking for the divorce. He was. Unreal.

  Jonathon went back to the figures on the paper and as he continued to talk about which items he wanted to keep and which she could have, her mind must have gone onto auto-pilot. Obviously, she agreed to many things because they were finished in about ten minutes.

  Jonathon paid the bill, leaving a very small tip as usual, and for once Nancy didn’t sneak a couple more dollars onto the table. For once she didn’t even think about it. They moved towards the entrance doors just as two local police officers entered.

  As Nancy walked past the officers, one of them turned to watch her walk by. He’d noticed her tear-streaked face and wondered what had happened to her.

  Doug Saunders had entered the police force in order to help people and this woman sure looked like she could use some help. It had been a hell of a day for Doug, and he felt the need to be able to do something – anything – right. Just then a man about 5’10”, thin and balding walked up behind the woman and escorted her out of the restaurant.

  “Do you know her?” the other officer asked, looking back over his shoulder.

  “No, Bill. She just seemed familiar somehow, that’s all.”

  “Doug ol’ buddy, that’s the type of woman you should be dating. Not those bleached blond, Balboa babes you hang out with.” He gave Doug’s shoulder a shove.

  “My love life is off-limits as a topic of conversation.” Doug placed his hat on the counter top.

  “Since when?” asked Bill, scooting onto the counter stool.

  “Since now.”

  Grinning, Doug and his friend Bill picked up the menus and took sips of coffee from the mugs that the waitress had automatically placed before them. The image of the woman’s tear-streaked face was re-filed into a back section of Doug’s mind.

  When Nancy and Jonathon exited the restaurant and walked out into the strong sunshine, Nancy was sure that she only had a few minutes left before she fell apart. She’d be damned if she’d let Jonathon see how much this had hurt. For some reason, right now pride was important.

  “I have a few things to finish up in my classroom at the school. Could you just drop me off? I’ll get a ride home.” She was pretty sure that her voice didn’t give anything away.

  “Okay. Are you sure that you’re all right?” He actually sounded as though he cared. Yeah, right.

  The ride to the school was done in silence. Jonathon kept sneaking glances at Nancy, but couldn’t read anything from her expression.

  He dropped her off in front of her school, and Nancy walked to her classroom without looking back. Thank goodness no one else was around. She wasn’t sure she had it in her to carry on a normal conversation right now.

  She made it to her classroom unaccosted and locked the door behind her. Nancy slowly walked over to her desk on legs that felt as stiff and brittle as old wood. Measuring each step as she went, easing her way into the chair, she was afraid that if she moved any faster she’d crack. Moving slow seemed to be the glue that was holding her together right now, and if that’s what it took to survive, then she’d move as slow as necessary.

  She sat at her desk, resting her head in her hands, while her mind wandered over the past twenty-plus years, touching on various times, sort of like flipping through a photo album. Where had everything gone wrong?

  Nancy remembered meeting Jonathon for the first time. She’d fallen in love with him when he’d directly asked her if she was already involved with someone. He’d seemed so sure of himself. When she’d said “No. No one.” he’d then asked her if she was at all interested in him.

  She’d thought that his directness indicated honesty. It had, but it had also indicated a lack of romance. However, she’d been swept off her feet so fast by his attention that she’d failed to notice the little things that were actually indicators of the bigger things.

  Jonathon wasn’t a mean man. He was just VERY practical. He didn’t waste words. Such as “I love you.” But if Nancy had been honest with herself, she would have realized that she was the type of woman who needed words. She also needed affection. And not just when Jonathon wanted to have sex. She needed to be told she was beautiful, or at least pretty. She remembered after she’d given birth to their second daughter and she’d looked up at him with joy. She expected him to tell

  her something like “thank you for the beautiful baby” or “you look radiant.” Instead he’d told her that she needed to brush her hair.

  And since Nancy was being honest with herself, she realized that he’d never once tried to convince her that he was anything other than what he was. She also realized that she’d harbored some sort of fantasy that he’d change his ways for her. When he didn’t, she’d read that to mean that he didn’t love her, which wasn’t true.

  She supposed he loved her in his own way. He’d provided well for her and the girls. He’d handled all the bills and their finances. He’d even purchased a new home for them. Jonathon would have fit in well back in the early 1950’s. Too bad she wasn’t Donna Reed.

  Nancy actually hadn’t wanted the kind of guy who was all emotional, and “in touch with his inner woman.” She liked guys to be guys. She just hadn’t wanted to feel like she was begging for attention and affection.

  She wasn’t sure how long she’d been sitting there, when the door was unlocked from the outside and her teacher’s aide, Tess, walked in.

  “How did the house-hunting go? Did you find the perfect place? I didn’t expect to see you back here today.” Tess hadn’t even looked in Nancy’s direction as she’d been talking a mile a minute. Instead she was dumping school supplies from her arms onto the nearest desk.

  There were boxes of colored pencils, reams of lined paper, several pads of drawing paper, and a new 3-hole punch to replace the one that invariably got destroyed by one of the students every semester when they tried to punch too many pieces of paper at one time.

  “How did Jonathon like the house? Did he like this one any better than the last one?” At that, Tess turned with a smile on her face to look

  at Nancy. In the space of a second, the smile vanished and was replaced with a small look of alarm.

  “Are you all right?” Tess hurried to Nancy’s side.

  Nancy almost barked out a laugh. She had heard that question how many times in the last hour? She realized that Tess was truly concerned, but didn’t have it in her just yet to explain what she’d been through. She wasn’t even sure how she felt about it!

  “I’m okay, Tess. I just ... have a migraine starting up.” Nancy rubbed her right temple, as though it would make it seem like she really had a headache, and not a heartache.

  “Why don’t you go home, then? I’ll take over for the day. In fact, take Monday off, too. All we have to do is get the classroom ready for the summer school crowd. I can do that by myself. We’ve already gone over the plans and I know what you want.”

  Nancy felt no qualms about leaving the classroom decor to Tess. In fact, Tess had brought fresh ideas with her when she came on board as a teacher’s aide. Tess was natural as a teacher and Nancy counted herself lucky to have been chosen as Tess’ mentor.

  “I think you’re right, Tess. Thanks. I’ll go.” Nancy picked up her purse, made sure she had her cell phone, and left. She got outside before she remembered that she didn’t have her car.

  Oh, for crying out loud! What next? She stood on the school sidewalk feeling the heat beat down on her shoulders while she debated her options. She didn’t want to call Jonathon. She just couldn’t face him yet. The girls were busy. They were home packing an overnight case to take with them to their grandparent’s home. Dad!

  That was just about Nancy’s final undoing. Tomorrow was her dad’s angiogram, and she had agreed to take him and Mom to the hospital. Nancy wavered on the emotional precipice of what could easily become an avalanche of self-pity.

  From somewhere deep inside, Nancy shored up her reserves of strength and decid
ed that she’d just have to wait until later to fall apart. The divorce wasn’t tomorrow. She didn’t HAVE to move out just yet. Dad and the rest of her family came first right now. Okay, she was a drama teacher. Bring on Scarlett O’Hara. I’ll think about it tomorrow.

  Nancy took a deep breath, went back into the classroom and asked Tess if she’d mind terribly driving her home, because of her ‘headache.’

  Nancy felt bad about lying, but was determined to do whatever she had to do to get through the next few days. Not only for her parents’ sake, but for her girls, too. The girls. How was she going to tell the girls?

  Wait a minute. Hold on. It didn’t have to happen now. No one needed to know right now. There was enough stress already with Dad’s procedure. This could wait.

  And wait it did while Nancy took care of her family.

  Tess dropped her off in front of the house and Nancy thanked her for the umpteenth time.

  “Give me a call!” Tess waved as she drove off.

  Nancy took another deep breath. Well at least she was getting oxygenated today. A little giddy with overwhelm, Nancy mumbled under her breath, “and, scene.” A small giggle erupted and Nancy clamped it down hard. It would be so easy to crumble here on the front porch and have a complete set of hysterics. Instead, she again pulled herself together, pasted a smile on her face and opened the front door.

  “Girls! I’m home!” Nancy called out and instantly heard feet running upstairs.

  Kate leaned over the upstairs banister and called down, “Hey, Mom! When did you want to leave?”

  “Oh, we’ve got a couple of hours, honey. I haven’t packed yet either. If we wait until after 5:00 we’ll be able to miss the rush on the 91 freeway.” Nancy was pleased with just how normal she sounded.

  “Hey, Mom!” Christy’s head appeared next to Kate’s. “Is there room in the car for my skateboard and blades?”

  “Of course, sweetie! If you want, we can even put the bike on the roof rack.”

  “Nah. We won’t be there that long. Thanks anyways.” Both Kate and Christy disappeared back into their rooms to finish packing.

  Nancy wandered into the kitchen, the pristine white kitchen, and opened the refrigerator door. The chilled air felt good on her face. She removed a bottle of filtered water, found a glass and put ice cubes in it, then poured the water over the ice.

  Taking the glass with her, Nancy moved into the pristine white living room and sat on the white leather couch.

  Nancy actually would have loved more color in the house, but Jonathon wanted all white. He called it “minimal.” She called it “boring.” However, he’d always had the last say in the house décor, mainly because she didn’t want to fight with him. She always

  felt like she’d lost a couple of IQ points after an argument with Jonathon. She thought something made perfect sense, but he’d convince her otherwise and by the end of the fight, her head was spinning.

  Nancy sighed as she sipped on the water. Oh, well. Maybe after she got her own place she could spruce it up a bit. She’d definitely add more color and texture. And some pictures on the walls!

  Jonathon only allowed pictures on one wall in the upstairs hallway.

  However, Nancy had persevered and gotten Jonathon’s agreement that the girls’ rooms were theirs to do with as they wanted. His only stipulations were “no paint other than white” and “no nails.”

  So Nancy took the girls shopping and they found armfuls of posters that covered every square inch of wall space, attached by miles of tape.

  The girls also had brightly colored bedspreads, pillows and throw rugs that accented the light beige Berber carpet that covered most of the floors in the house. The rest of the floors were done in light wood and white tiles. Clean, but uninspiring.

  “When did I change?” Nancy tried to think back on if the change in her was subtle or if it happened overnight. Being a drama teacher, Nancy was anything but staid. For gosh sakes she used to belly dance at the Renaissance Faire! She loved color in her clothing and surroundings. She used to have tons of jewelry. Her ruby ring and pearl necklace used to be jumbled in her jewelry box right next to a huge assortment of costume jewelry. Nancy didn’t care if the jewels were real or not. She bought jewelry if it was bright and artistic. Now her jewelry consisted of a pair of pearl and gold stud earrings, her wedding band, and her grandmother’s ¼ carat diamond necklace. Much more in line with Jonathon’s approval.

  Her shoes had gotten more conservative, too. Nancy kept one pair of rhinestone studded ballroom dance shoes in the back of her closet and sometimes would pull them out and put them on just to see if they still fit. She’d given her toe shoes to Kate and all the rest of her collection to the Goodwill when they’d moved into this house. Jonathon didn’t want boxes and boxes of shoes cluttering the closet. Nevermind that they had separate closets and he didn’t have to see inside Nancy’s. “A cluttered house is a cluttered mind.”

  Big sigh. Well, at least I’m definitely getting more oxygen.

  Nancy finished her water and took the glass to the kitchen where she placed it in the top rack of the built in dishwasher. She took a paper towel and wiped down the counter – whether it needed it or not – and went upstairs to pack for her folk’s house. She hoped she and the girls would be gone by the time Jonathon arrived home.

  CHAPTER 2

  “It’s only been one week and already I feel like the typical kid of a divorced family!” Kate exclaimed as she jumped into the front passenger seat of Nancy’s 8-year old mini-van.

  Nancy hid a grimace of guilt.

  Their older girl, Kate was trying very hard to make the best of the situation. She sure wasn’t happy about it, but seemed determined to not make it any more difficult for anyone else.

  Jonathon had just pulled into the cobblestoned area in front of the gates at the guard station of their perfectly planned community in Irvine. He was coming home with Kate, and Nancy was taking off. She and the girls were going grocery shopping.

  After dropping Kate, Jonathon drove past them into the gated community without even looking at Nancy, much less a wave or courteous comment.

  Oh well, Nancy thought to herself. Probably just as well. She wasn’t sure if she could have been cordial or not. Her emotions had been on such a roller-coaster that sometimes she was surprised what came out of her mouth these days. Not to mention the thoughts that bounced around inside her head!

  As Nancy pulled out of the gated area, she thought back seven years to when they had first moved here. Jonathon had purchased the second home available in the new community before it was even built. They’d stopped by regularly with the girls to see their house go up. They’d even made a time capsule with notes from each of them, a picture of the family, as well as a few trinkets from the girls, and placed it in one of the walls of the house before it had been finished. This had definitely been their ideal home. It was the perfect Orange County neighborhood.

  That seemed like a lifetime ago. Now it seemed a little too Stepford for Nancy.

  “Mom?”

  “What?”

  “I said, don’t we have to pick up Christy? She’s at Blake’s.”

  “Oh, geez yes! Thanks, Hon. I almost forgot.” Nancy made a quick left turn onto the next street.

  “Mom? You okay?”

  Good grief, the number of times she had heard that phrase over the past ten days.

  She wanted to say “No, not really. In fact I’m a basket case. I’m coming unglued at the seams and I just want to hit something!” Actually not something -- someONE -- whose name began with a J!

  Instead, she gave her daughter a smile and said “Yep. Just a little tired. Good thing I have you around to remind me.” Nancy could tell from the look in Kate’s eyes that she didn’t believe her, but at least she didn’t persist with more questions.

  As Nancy and Kate drove over to Blake’s house to get Christy, Nancy realized that she hadn’t slowed down for one instant since Jonathon had asked for the divorce. She’
d been there when her dad had come out of surgery and two days later she had been the one to drive him home and get him situated at her folk’s house. Thank goodness the surgery had gone so well.

  He’d sure given the family a scare, though. He’d never complained about anything. When he’d gone in for his angiogram, the doctor had treated the family like this was no big deal, and probably was all for nothing.

  It wasn’t until the doctor had come out of the room where he’d just finished the angiogram, looking slightly shaken but trying to hide it, that Nancy and her family knew that something was very wrong.

  Her father had immediately been scheduled for heart surgery and had been transferred by ambulance over to St. Bernardine’s Hospital, where the best heart surgeons were available for the triple bypass.

  The next time her dad said he was feeling a little tired, the family was definitely going to pay closer attention.

  Luckily, her dad was also a fast healer and was up in record time, giving the nurses a run for their money. ‘There was this polar bear that walked into this bar…’”

  When they’d realized her dad needed heart surgery, she’d taken a short leave of absence from the school, and she and the girls had stayed in Redlands while her dad got back on his feet. But now that he was feeling better, Nancy’s folk’s house had seemed to grow smaller, and she started feeling like they were in the way. So she and the girls headed home before they overstayed their welcome.

  Home.

  Not anymore. Now it just seemed like a house. A house with too many memories.

  Time to move on.

  That was it! They could sell the house and she and the girls could move right away. She and Jonathon had been looking for a new house anyway, so she’d just call the realtor and have her put their house on the market sooner than planned. Nancy felt slightly in charge of her life again.

  As they pulled into Blake’s driveway, Christy came running out the front door yelling “catch ya later” over her shoulder. She yanked open the door to the backseat, threw in her karate bag and jumped in behind it.