Child's Play: A Spaceman's Story

by Guerin Zand

  “A century or two? That’s a long time Guerin.”

  “Yes, it is Nancy. But we need to be patient. Revolutions don’t happen overnight you know. Besides, I’m a quick study and it might only take me a week or two. We just have to wait and see.”

  At this point, the adults were having just as much fun listening to the story of the upcoming revolution as were the children.

  “But don’t lose hope. I’m sure in the end we will prevail. The Empress will be dethroned and we’ll exile her to a planet of wild flesh eating, over sexed, monkeys. There the monkeys will perform acts that we can’t possibly imagine with the exiled Empress. And she will remain in that hell until we forgive her or for all eternity. Whichever comes first.”

  I lifted my clenched fist into the air and the children followed suit. We all three exclaimed loudly, “VIVE LA RÉVOLUTION!”

  Stella started clapping making both Sly and Milly to cast a confused look in her direction.

  “Really Guerin, you are a master of bullshit. I have to applaud your skills.”

  “You call it bullshit now Stella but it won’t be so funny when the universe falls to the revolution. I have a feeling you’ve always underestimated me Stella, but it’s that sort of thinking that will be the demise of the Collective.”

  “You really are a bad influence on the children. I don’t know why I let them around you.”

  “Well on that count you’re probably right. I know if I win them over as children then they’ll be loyal followers when they grow up.”

  “Do we get guns and tanks Guerin?”

  “No Sid. We have to be smart and use the oppressor’s strength against them. You should probably both start reading the ‘Art of War’ by Sun Tzu, and get your friends to read it as well. It will teach you that being smarter than your opponent is the key to winning a war. When done properly, a war can be won without the use of force at all.”

  “Well at least you don’t plan on arming them.”

  “They’re already armed Stella. We just need to teach them how to fight.”

  “Children would you mind leaving us adults alone for a while. We have business to discuss.”

  As the children got up to leave we all three raised our fists to the air and yelled out, “VIVE LA RÉVOLUTION!”.

  Stella simply shook her head. Sly was smiling which obviously would cost him more time in the dog house. Milly had a blank look on her face.

  “Have you spent any time considering the committee’s offer Guerin?”

  “Well it just that. An offer. If you want me to consider it seriously I need more details. What does the job pay? What about an expense account? Will you cover travel and housing expenses? Are there medical benefits and a retirement plan? Stock options? 401K? I don’t see how I can make such a decision without the details of the offer, in writing and in triplicate.”

  “Guerin, you know we don’t use money.” Milly thought this was an appropriate time to talk.

  “Well you can’t get shit done on Earth without it so you better start thinking about it.”

  “We have access to money on Earth, so money shouldn’t be a problem.”

  “Really Stella? Like you have access to Pappy’s? Be honest now. You have other monkeys working for you on Earth, don’t you?”

  “This ain’t our first rodeo cowboy.”

  “Then why do you need me?”

  “The others are simple contacts we use when needed. They were not chosen by the committee to represent us on Earth. They were given a few incentives but there not going to live much longer than ordinary humans. A bunch of humans living too long would look suspicious don’t you think?”

  “I assume that was a rhetorical question since it doesn’t appear any of you really care what I think.”

  “That’s not fair Guerin.”

  “Maybe not Milly. But I’m sorry if it seems like that to me.”

  “Well Guerin perhaps we should talk privately. If you’d like to accompany me to the gardens, I’d love to talk to you about your grand plan. If you will all excuse us.”

  Ok, Stella obviously had found a way to get me alone and do what Sly had failed to do, in her opinion. I followed her out to the garden and she took my arm as we walked. My opinion of Stella was she was Julie light. The good cop to the bad cop. This little conversation should be interesting.

  “Can we be serious here for a second Guerin? You seem to prefer to make light of everything, as we all saw at dinner. What a wonderful tale of revolution you spun for the children. We all enjoyed it truly, and I do appreciate the way you treat Sid and Nancy. They’re crazy about you and so are the rest of us at dinner tonight. Especially Milly.”

  Here it comes. Wait for it.

  “I know Sly tried to explain to you Milly’s feelings but he must not have done a very good job. You’re very special to her. I know because I’m the one she has been confiding in about your relationship. Your causing her a lot of pain right now and I can’t believe that’s what you want. Can’t you see it? I can tell by seeing the two of you together the other night that you’re just as crazy about her. You should consider what you do next very carefully.”

  “Or?”

  “I’m not threatening you Guerin I am trying to help you. Don’t let Julie’s action ruin what you’ve found with Milly. You are going to be around for a long time and trust me regret hurts more with time.”

  “Stella, just like everyone else here, you just don’t get it. This didn’t happen to you, did it? Sure, I’m crazy mad in love with Milly. So much so I can’t even tell her. I don’t want to hurt her but we’ve only really known each other a few days. I can’t think about a relationship with Milly because it doesn’t make sense to me. I almost slept with Julie the other night for Christ’s sake. This whole situation should be driving me crazy, and I’m not sure it isn’t.”

  “You really need to stop thinking about your dick so much Guerin, if you don’t mind my saying so. We’re talking about love not sex here. You do know there’s a difference, right?”

  “Duh!” Ok, I just said that because I didn’t want to get into a big argument. Sometimes you’ve just got to let the woman think she’s right.

  “You don’t know the Bree very well but trust me their love is not like anything you have ever experienced. If you and Milly were to become bonded these other thoughts would mean nothing.”

  “But she’s lied to me and deceived me. She’s held back information and still I’ve tried to trust her, but it’s hard. I’m not Bree. I’m human and I know what human love is. Can you seriously look at me and tell me you think it would work between us? Who’s spinning a bullshit fairy tale now. You think Milly can kiss this asshole and turn him into her prince?”

  “I can’t tell you anything for sure about you and Milly’s chances. That’s something you two have to figure out. Just stop being that asshole for a minute and realize what’s right in front of you. Give Milly the benefit of the doubt. Would you at least do that?”

  “Ok. I get your point. It’s just I’m pretty good at being an asshole.”

  Stella smiled. “I’ve heard that from multiple sources.”

  “Regardless of all of that, there is still the offer we’ve made. No matter what happens between you and Milly, that offer is out there. All that bullshit about money was just that and you know it. We know how things work on Earth and money won’t be an issue. You need to stop thinking about it. You need to realize what an honor the committee has bestowed on you by offering you the position of Earth’s emissary. You will have the power to help shape the future. It’s a great responsibility and you might actually find it rewarding.”

  “Which is why I am totally dumbfounded that I was made such an offer. You have to know I’m not the right person. I don’t think I want that responsibility.”

  “I think Julie was right.”

  “WHAT?”

  “Face it Guerin. You’re scared of the responsibility. It doesn’t mean you can’t do it and do it well. She did yo
u a favor and gave you the push you needed. Do you think we aren’t smart enough to know you before making such an offer? We do know you and probably better than you know yourself. We’ve seen you make wrong choices in your life, sure, and we’ve seen you do the right thing time and time again. You don’t even know you’re doing the right thing most of the time, you just do.”

  “Siding with Julie is no way to get me to agree with you.”

  “I’m not siding with Julie. What she did was wrong but she may have been right to do it. I know that sounds confusing.”

  “No more than everything else in this universe.”

  “And maybe you’ll bring about change as well. Your little revolution may just happen, but not like you think. Whenever new members join, the whole Collective is affected. God knows, you’ve already had an effect on our children. Human values will become shared values in the Collective. Who knows maybe even a few of those seedy bars you so love may even start to pop up. You have no idea what’s possible. You can make a difference and you could end up happy no matter how hard you try not to be.”

  “I know you asked Milly to take you home but just give it four more days. Calm down and just relax before you decide. Just spend some time with Milly and talk with her about this. Can you promise me that?”

  “I’ll promise you that if you promise to let Sly out of the dog house.”

  “I don’t even know what that means Guerin.”

  “Well now you know how I feel. You can ask Sly what it means since I’m tired of explaining everything twice. But promise me. Do you trust me?”

  “I guess.”

  “You can’t hold anything against Sly for yesterday. You gave him a kitchen pass which means immunity from all actions he may, or may not, have committed while under the kitchen pass. Those are the rules. Besides he did his job just fine. I didn’t really need to have this little talk with you but you seemed to enjoy it so I just let you have your fun. I just needed time.”

  “Ok I promise. You stay four more days and then you can decide about the offer and leave if you want. I’ll do whatever it was you said. I’m not sure I like the way you are affecting my family Guerin Zand. God help the rest of the universe.”

  “Don’t go looking for God to fix this mess. You guys created this mess and it’s your job to fix it.”

  We made our way back to the house and found Milly and Sly enjoying a beverage. Who knows what they were talking about.

  “I hope you know Sly, if you’ve been telling Milly anything about what was said at the bar yesterday I’ll have to revoke your man card.”

  “What does that mean Guerin?”

  “We’ll look it up later dear. I already have some other Earth saying to research. We can do it together.”

  “Ok.”

  Sid and Nancy came out screaming like a couple of banshees.

  “Can you come play now Guerin?”

  “Nancy, he and Milly need to spend some time together. I’m sure he’ll come and play with you two rebels again before he leaves.

  “Are you going to make the beast with two backs Guerin?”

  “Really Sid?”

  “Are you going to do the horizontal mambo, tickle the ivories, bump uglies?”

  “Nancy!”

  “Where are you two getting all of this from?” I asked.

  “American TV.”

  “That’s it you two. No more TV. Not for a while. And you Guerin. Don’t make me regret what I said. I don’t know how I’m going to fix what you’ve done to my two angels.”

  “Listen you two. I’ve just finished interrogating your mother and I have some bad news. I think she may be in league with the Empress. We’re going to have to be careful and watch what we say in front of her from now on. Loose lips sink ships and all that.”

  “Get out of her you two and try and have a good night.” Stella commanded.

  “Remember comrades. Don’t start the revolution without me.”

  As I turned to walk out the door with Milly I raised my fist in the air and in unison the cadets and I yelled out for the last time of the evening, “VIVE LA RÉVOLUTION!”

  I could hear Stella sigh in disgust as the door slowly closed. My job there was done.

  As we walked out through the gardens Milly asked, “So what did you talk about with Stella?”

  “Like you don’t know. You have a good friend in Stella.”

  “I know.”

  We reached the ever-waiting magic pad and I took control. I didn’t take us back to our rooms but instead I headed for the sky walk on the edge of the dome where Milly had taken us on our first date.

  “What are we doing here?”

  “I thought you liked this place. Isn’t that why you brought me here the other night?”

  “Yes, this is one of my favorite places. When I was young I used to come up here with my mother and she would point at Earth, over there, and tell me how one day that would be my future. I would come up here alone sometimes and just sit and dream about Earth.”

  “Why haven’t I met your parents yet Milly?”

  “It’s just not the right time to introduce you. Maybe someday.”

  We both sat down and stared off into space. We leaned back against the dome all and it was just as if you were floating in space. I put my arm around her and kissed the top of her head. She leaned against me and we both got comfortable.

  “Is Earth really out that way?”

  “Yes, but you can’t really see it. It’s pretty far away you know.”

  “Oh really? Thanks for telling me. I would have never guessed.”

  Milly gave me a good hard poke in the ribs with her elbow. This really was a nice place to just sit and enjoy the night. The view was beautiful and it was quiet. I took Milly’s hand and stared into those deadly green peepers of hers.

  “Milly I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gotten so angry at you. Your friends told me I was an asshole for blaming you for what Julie did. I was just so mad I couldn’t think straight.”

  “I understand. Are you still mad?”

  “Definitely, but it’s not as intense and the drinking helped. But I’m also scared.”

  “Of what?”

  “You. Me. Everything, I don’t know.”

  “I do love you Milly.”

  Milly hugged me tightly and kissed me hard and long.

  “I just have such a hard time believing any of this is real.”

  “Not that again Guerin. I thought you were past all of that.”

  “Well yes and no. I mean, I’m not sure. That’s the problem. Just try to see this whole experience from my point of view. A couple of space vixens from the planet Nymph …”

  “The planet Nymph? Really Guerin? That’s not the name of our home planet.”

  “Well you never told me what the name was so I get to name it whatever I want.”

  “But the planet Nymph, really?”

  “Yes. Now will you just stop interrupting?”

  “Ok.”

  “Like I was saying, this is what it looks like from my point of view. So, two space hotties from the planet Nymph abduct me from Earth. Juice me up with alien Viagra and the younger, cuter one, just can’t keep her Nymph hands off me. Then for fun they introduce me to more aliens and throw this dinner where they all decide I am the perfect choice to represent them on Earth. They dick around with me in some medical ways I can’t possibly understand and tell me I will live, pretty much, forever. The Nymph who’s been banging my brains out tells me she loves me and I’m soooo special.”

  “Now Milly. How much more probable is this scenario than the one I gave at dinner, or the Twilight Zone episode, or the gazillion other options I can think of?”

  “Well that’s not what really happened. I’m not some space vixen from the planet Nymph who can’t keep her hands off you ...”

  “Really? Where exactly are your hands now?”

  “We’re just snuggling here Guerin.”

  “And your hands are on me, aren’t they?”


  “What is your point Guerin?”

  “The point is I could be having sex with a Sleestack for all I know.”

  “A what?”

  “I swear I am going to buy you people a cable subscription. I thought you dumped my memories but you don’t know this one little thing? Were you pervs just too busy watching my sexual antics to pay attention to anything else?”

  “We have priorities you know.”

  I just shook my head and continued. “It’s just every time I think I have a slight grasp on reality, you folks toss another reality bomb my way.”

  “So, you love me but? That must be the biggest ‘but’ I have ever heard. You couldn’t just say ‘I love you Milly’, and leave it at that?”

  “Well I did, I think? See, even the simple things are so much more confusing here. For the sake of argument let’s just say I believe it all. I just don’t know if we can actually work. I don’t ever want to hurt you, but maybe it’s better to not take this any further or I’ll just end up hurting you worse.”

  “Don’t worry about hurting me Guerin. I don’t think you would on purpose. You can’t be afraid of trying.”

  “But according to sources, who will remain nameless, you’re very young and haven’t ever had a serious relationship.”

  “When was the last time you told a woman you loved her Guerin, and we’re not counting your mother? Was it in college when that girl broke your heart? Since then, I don’t think you’ve ever been able to say that to any of the other women in your life. I think you were hurt and you’re just scared of getting serious with me or anyone else?”

  “That’s not true and it’s got nothing to do with it anyways. I just want you to know how totally confused I am and I don’t want to hurt you. And stop using my memories against me. You know that’s not fair.”

  “Well stop worrying. Maybe it won’t work but I want to try and I hope you do too?”

  “I do, and right now, in this version of reality, I am crazy stupid in love with you Milly.”