Secrets That We Keep

by Linda Kage

  I mean, she hadn’t even told Gracen about us yet.

  Those two were freakily close. They’d shared everything since birth. I loved Bentley and all, but she was in no way my confidant, and she never would be. I’d confide in her husband before I would her, nine times out of ten. But it was like breathing for Bella and Gracen to be each other’s best friend and go-to secret bearers. And if she couldn’t even tell him about me, then—

  Then I wasn’t really sure what that meant. Maybe her reason for secrecy wasn’t about our nosy families. Maybe it wasn’t even how shaky and uncertain she was with herself since her fiancé had cheated on her and given her trust issues. Maybe it was just me. Maybe she didn’t love me like that. Maybe she didn’t want what I wanted. Maybe she was just messing around with me because the sex was good and that was all she needed until someone else came along who would actually sweep her off her feet and—

  Jesus. I was beginning to panic.

  This conversation was not going to end how I wanted it to. Was it too late to jump ship now? Use the out she’d handed me only seconds ago?

  Maybe if I was like, just forget it, she’d be all, okay, and we’d never have to talk about it again, and I could stop being a damn idiot.

  God, I hated self-doubt and lack of confidence. I helped people all day long destroy those very things about themselves. Why was I so suddenly letting myself suffer from the very same thing?

  Because of fear, I realized.

  I knew I needed to stand my ground so she’d at least know where I stood on the situation, but I was so fucking scared that my revelation would somehow make her feel pressured and drive her away, and I absolutely could not lose her.

  Bella had never done anything to suggest that she didn’t love me, though. So maybe she just needed time. And I just needed to calm down, and—

  “Shit,” she hissed through the receiver. “I—I’m really sorry, but Gracen’s here.” Her voice lowered suddenly. “I’ll talk to you later. Okay? I swear. Just…”

  “Bells,” I started, my voice raspy with regret. I wanted to apologize for pressuring her like I knew I had.

  But she was already whispering, “Happy birthday. I’ll see you later. I promise.”

  Just as I heard a male voice in the background, she hung up on me.

  Clutching my hat to my head, I cursed up a storm inside the cab of my truck and continued to sit there, asking myself what was wrong with me? I shouldn’t have pushed. I shouldn’t have put strife between us. It was my goddamn birthday, and now I was going to be miserable all evening, worried that she was going to start avoiding me.

  Dammit.

  Why couldn’t I have just kept my fucking mouth shut?

  I sat in my truck, stewing and stressed, wondering how to fix this long after I saw Gracen’s car drive past with Bella in the passenger seat. Neither of them noticed me on the side street; they were too busy talking to each other. Not about me, I’m sure. But about something else entirely.

  I kept sitting there until I got a text from my sister, demanding to know where I was, that everyone was waiting for me at our parents’ house, and the food was getting cold.

  So I drove to my mom and dad’s, not paying much attention to anything along the way. A car honked at me once when I almost ran through a stop sign, and I almost missed the turn to Mom and Dad’s street. But I made it alive, if not totally distracted.

  When I pulled open the front door, I wasn’t expecting to hear a volley of people yelling, “Surprise!” But that’s what I got anyway.

  Jarring to a halt, I looked up to find way more than the five people I was expecting for a quiet birthday supper at my parents’.

  Along with Mom and Dad and my sister’s family was Beau’s entire clan of Gambles: his sister, parents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Then there were the Ryans with Pick and Eva and their tribe, next to Mason and Reese and—

  I froze on Mason and Reese, realizing that if Bella’s parents were here, then she probably was too.

  Gaze darting rapidly now, I finally found her way in the back, leaning against her brother with his arm draped casually over her shoulder. He was saying something to her, and she was listening to him, not paying any attention to me. But I studied her face a second longer, anyway, wondering what she was thinking.

  Then someone was moving in front of me, blocking my view, and I remembered that everyone else was watching me. I blinked Bentley into focus as she grinned into my face and ripped off my hat in order to put a cheesy paper cone on my head.

  “Smile,” she told me. “It’s your birthday. You look like you’re headed to an execution or something.”

  “Sorry, I…” Sending her a chagrined smile, I focused on her features, glad to see that she looked a hell of a lot better tonight than she had the last time I’d seen her after her miscarriage. “I just wasn’t expecting all this.”

  “Here.” Appearing at her side, Beau thrust an open beer bottle at me. “This’ll help.”

  Yes, it would. Sending him a grateful glance, I took the bottle and looked down as Braiden tugged on my pant leg.

  “Uncle Fox?” he said and held up a sheet of paper with a drawing on it. “I made you a picture.”

  “You did?” Leaning down, I hefted the kid up onto my hip. “Let’s see this thing, then.”

  “This is you,” the six-year-old was already explaining. “And this is me. And this is your truck we’re riding in.”

  I nodded, murmuring, “Very cool. Thanks, bud. I have a spot on my refrigerator where this will look great hanging.”

  “Really?” Braiden beamed as if he’d just been told his artwork was going to showcase in the Louvre.

  “Of course. People don’t usually go around just drawing pictures of me. This is special.”

  “What’re you talking about?” Luke called indignantly from across the room. “I drew a picture of you once.”

  “And…Luke’s talking,” Bentley mumbled acerbically under her breath as she reached forward to pull her son from my arms. “Things are about to get dirty. Come on, kiddo,” she announced aloud to Braiden. “Help me set up the candles on Uncle Fox’s birthday cake in the kitchen, will you?”

  Meanwhile, Luke’s older brother spat back from the couch, “You mean, the picture of you chopping off his leg with a chainsaw after he beat you in the foot race when you guys were kids?”

  “If Luke’s so dirty,” I heard my nephew say to his mom as she took his hand and led him from the room. “Why doesn’t he just take a bath?”

  In the middle of tipping up the bottle when I heard that, I choked on the beer to contain a laugh.

  “Whoa there.” Beau pounded on my back as my eyes watered, and I coughed out a couple more sputters to catch my wind. “You okay, bud?”

  “I don’t know,” Luke piped up again. “He doesn't look so good. He might not make it.” Then he snickered and hollered, “Lucy, quick!” as he motioned toward me and waggled his eyebrows at Beau’s sister. “Since sympathy sex for dying guys is your thing now, you better hop on that, and give our boy Fox a proper send-off.”

  “Oh my God, Luke!” Lucy wailed, covering her mortified face with both hands while her father, Noel, exploded, “What in the hell!” and the rest of the room either gasped or called Luke out for his lack of class. A few people even threw paper cups and napkins at him.

  Closing my eyes and shaking my head, I silently said goodbye to Luke because he probably wasn’t going to survive the night.

  Opening my lashes, I focused on Noel as his face turned a livid red and a vein appeared on his forehead. Next to him, his wife, Aspen, was gathering Lucy into her arms and hugging her tight.

  “Control your kid, Hammy,” Noel ordered. “Before I wipe him off the face of the planet.”

  Quinn, who’d been standing a few feet behind Luke next to his wife, Zoey, reached forward, grabbed the back of his son’s shirt, and hauled him in reverse to his side where he arched a single eyebrow and said, “Really?”

  Luke f
lushed, looking sufficiently chastised, even as he gave a nervous laugh. “What? I was just funning with her. She knew I didn’t mean anything by it.”

  His mother blinked. “I don’t see how that was funny. At all.”

  Not far away, Trick snorted. “I kind of thought it was funny,” he said until his own dad smacked him in the back of the head.

  “No, you didn’t,” Pick told him.

  And Trick quickly straightened his grin into a frown, shaking his head. “No. No, I didn’t.”

  “Luke, you have the worst sense of humor ever,” Gracen announced, from where he’d collapsed into a single chair with Bella and had an arm wrapped around her shoulders as she rested her head back on his shoulder.

  A wave of jealousy rolled over me. I wished I could openly cuddle on a chair with her like that.

  “Oh, shut up, Lowe,” Luke was snapping back at Gray and scowling his way. “Your sister still picks out what clothes you wear, so your opinion is whack.”

  Gracen perked up his eyebrows. “She doesn’t pick out what I wear, moron. She picks out what I buy. Because one, I don’t give a shit about fashion. Two, I hate shopping, and three, she loves it. Pros all around, my friend. Now argue that.”

  “Ignore him, Gracen,” Chloe reassured from another corner. “He’s just jealous he doesn’t have a sister to give him a better wardrobe.”

  Luke narrowed his eyes her way. “What’s wrong with my wardrobe?”

  “You dress like a douche,” Lucy piped up. Which made Chloe point her way and answer, “Exactly.”

  Luke sniffed between the two girls, before narrowing his gaze on Chloe and muttering, “Rude,” before he glanced at Lucy. “Luce, you’re allowed that jab because I burned you first.”

  “Alright then,” my mom called, clapping her hands together to gain everyone’s attention. “Now that all that—whatever it was—is out of the way, what say we get back to celebrating Fox’s birthday, huh?”

  “Yeah,” Ten cheered, “before Ham’s kid over there unseats me as the designated jackass of the group with all the inappropriate bullshit he’s spewing.” He sent Luke a severe glance. “No one dethrones me, boy.” Then he leaned back on the couch he was sitting on with his family and eyed Teagan who was cuddled up next to JB. “Thank you again for not marrying that brother.”

  “No problem, Dad.” Teagan grinned and tipped her head to rest it against her husband, while JB smirked triumphantly at Luke as he tugged her closer against him.

  “We have cake and ice cream,” Mom continued saying. “But first, we had supper catered in from Fox’s favorite restaurant.”

  She caught my eye, letting me know she wanted me to follow her and be the first in line to get my share of the food, but I hung back, and Dad ended up falling in behind her instead. A mass exodus started from the room then, as the horde shifted back toward my parents’ mammoth kitchen. I let most people shuffle past me as I waited to cut in and join them whenever the twins made their way through, and in the process, I kind of turned things into a receiving line, where I began to thank everyone for coming.

  Most people wished me a happy birthday or companionable slug on the arm as they passed. I caught Lucy Olivia’s when she went by with her parents.

  “Hey, congratulations, by the way,” I told her, offering a rueful smile. I hadn’t seen her since the news went out that she was pregnant.

  Her return grin was a bit red-faced and embarrassed, but she murmured, “Thanks,” and gave me a hug, whispering, “Always stay sweet,” in my ear before she pulled away.

  Noel’s brother, Colton, came next. I saw Reese and Mason behind him, with their kids trailing along after that. My heart rate sped up. I had no idea what I was going to say to Bella, but I had to get close to her. I had to reassure myself that our earlier phone call hadn’t freaked her out as badly as it had me.

  Hell, maybe she’d already forgotten it. Maybe I was the only one worrying about nothing here.

  God, I hoped so.

  She looked up, our gazes collided, and I knew immediately that she was rattled as much as I was.

  Fuck.

  I never should’ve invited her to my parents’ house and asked her to expose us. What if she ran now because I had pushed? What if I lost her?

  A wave of dizziness assailed me. I couldn’t lose her.

  “So, Fox,” Colton said, slipping an arm around my shoulders and tugging me into the line with him. “I was wondering if I could get a little professional advice from you.”

  I nodded, unable to deny anyone in our group help whenever they came to me. And in doing so, I lost probably the only opportunity I was going to get that evening to even talk to the woman I loved.

  Glancing back, I tried to catch her eye, but she was busy talking to her mother now. I took a long drink of my beer while Colton started in on a personal issue one of his friends was having, and I gulped until my eyes watered.

  It was going to be a long night.

  Chapter Eleven

  Bella

  THREE HOURS LATER

  This damn night was never going to end.

  Unable to help myself, my gaze strayed across the room toward Fox.

  He was absolutely miserable. Oh, he had smiled and laughed plenty throughout the night. He acted like any man of honor at their birthday celebration should, thanking everyone who gave him a gift or wished him a good year. He made a point to small-talk with everyone who paused before him. He even made his nephew’s night by pulling him onto his lap and letting Braiden blow out the candles when it was time for the cake.

  But I knew this man. Between the smiles and laughs, he bit at the corner of his lip, like he always did when he was deep in thought, and he kept fiddling with his hat, which he’d snuck back on in exchange for the party cone as soon as his sister wasn’t looking. And he only did all that when he was uncomfortable in a situation.

  This was my fault.

  I’d been so stuck on making sure he got the proper space he needed so he wouldn’t stray, that my initial instinct had been to push him away when he’d thrown me off-balance with the announcement that he wanted less space. I just hadn’t been expecting—

  I mean, I knew he’d been okay with Gracen finding out when we’d almost gotten caught at my place a month before, but learning that he actually hated keeping it a secret and honestly wanted to make us open, official, and as serious as they could get with messy strings and conditions had just…

  It had knocked me on my ass.

  And then I’d gone and messed up everything that had followed.

  So all night long, whenever our gazes seemed to clash, there was this begging quality in his eyes. The worst part was, I wasn’t sure what he was begging for. For me to meet him somewhere quiet so we could talk? For me to stand up and announce that he and I were a thing? For me to stop stringing him along and just cut him free already? I didn’t know what he wanted. I just knew I was letting him down and not doing whatever it was he needed me to do to make things right between us again.

  I felt even more horrible when he eagerly pulled the present I’d brought for him from me and Gracen out of its gift bag. Then he paused, eyeing the new hat with a dumbfounded blink, and I knew I’d fucked up majorly. His expression was so solemn and dour as he ran his thumb slowly along the bill and studied it. It was almost an exact replica of the one he wore. The only difference was that this one was new.

  I could tell he’d been hoping for something more—

  Something meaningful, probably.

  A freaking hat was not something you got a lover. But I couldn’t exactly announce that I had a wrapped nightie waiting for him at my place to open later.

  “It’s just a backup,” I announced, feeling stupid and insecure.

  He glanced over, saying nothing.

  “Yeah,” Gracen spoke up next to me. “Now you don’t have to send me nasty texts the next time you misplace yours.”

  “A text you deserved,” Fox shot back, sending him a wry glance.


  “Well, try it on already,” Aunt Eva demanded, and since she was sitting close enough to reach, she leaned forward and ripped his current hat off his head for him.

  “Hey.” He reached for his baby, but Uncle Pick snagged the hat from Aunt Eva, and it started down the line, moving further and further from Fox.

  After a couple more prods to try the new hat on, Fox finally sighed and slipped it over his head. He adjusted the back strap a bit, then lifted his hands, announcing, “It fits.”

  “Thank God,” Bentley breathed, taking his old hat from Aunt Sarah and rising to her feet. “Because I’m throwing this ratted old thing away. It reeks to high heaven.”

  Alarm entered Fox’s eyes. “It doesn’t stink,” he argued but did nothing to chase after her and retrieve it.

  When she pointedly opened the lid of the trash and dropped the hat inside, my stomach pitched with dread. Because what the hell was she doing? That hat was his most beloved treasure. How dare she throw it away?

  When he didn’t even stand to retrieve it, stress mounted inside me. I’d honestly only gotten the stupid backup for those days when he accidentally left his true hat at my place. He didn’t like his head being bare. I just wanted to help fill in the small gap he’d go through without his old trusty one until he got his hands on it again. I never meant for this one to actually replace it.

  I had to get his hat back from the trash. Somehow.

  “Hey.” Gracen nudged my arm, making me jump. “I'm gonna work in the morning, so I’m going to bounce. You ready to go now or do you want to catch a ride home with someone else?”

  I opened my mouth to answer, except I had no idea how to answer. I wanted to talk to Fox, except I was scared to death of talking to him. My nerves were shot; I just wanted to crawl into bed and draw the covers over my head. I’d been terrible at mingling with anyone tonight. I’d mostly just clung to Gracen and pretended to be involved in all the conversations he had with people. But leaving now felt wrong.

  My twin sent me an amused grin. “Was it that difficult of a question?”

  Oh geesh, he was right. I was overthinking this way too much. “I’m ready now,” I said, standing.