If I Can't Let Go (Mills & Boon Spice)

by BETH KERY

  He opened his eyes and their stares met.

  “I have to go to tell Deidre who her biological father is. She would want to know.”

  “Lincoln would want to know.”

  Liam nodded grimly. “You saw how sick he was. There may not be enough time. I’ll have to leave tonight. Besides… I’m due to start work next week. If I’m going to go, I have to do it now.”

  Natalie nodded. “I’ll get you some more coffee.”

  “I don’t want anymore coffee. I want to hold you. Come here.”

  She swallowed thickly and remained on the couch. His brow furrowed.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked.

  “Liam…I can’t tell you how sorry I am. About everything,” she whispered.

  “None of this is your fault.”

  She laughed raggedly. His expression froze at the desperate sound.

  “It’s all my fault, and you know it,” she whispered, staring blankly at the painting about her fireplace. From the corner of her eye, she saw him rise. She stood abruptly, sensing he was coming over to the couch to comfort her. His touch would shatter her. She turned her shoulder to him and walked several steps away.

  “Natalie…what’s going on?” he asked slowly.

  “This thing between us…it’s not going to work out, Liam,” she said, averting her gaze. She cringed inwardly in the ensuing silence.

  “I don’t follow you. Why?”

  “Do you really have to ask that? Your family has been changed forever because of me. Your mother must be furious. Deidre is going to be flattened.” She glanced back at him furtively. His face looked rigid with tension. “It’s not just that,” she whispered.

  “What, then?” he demanded.

  Her bark of laughter bordered on a sob. She waved her hand between them. “You and I together. It’s…it’s ridiculous. Surely you see that. We’re not…suited.”

  “I couldn’t disagree more,” he replied stiffly. “You didn’t think so just a few days ago, either.”

  “You’re wrong,” she said more emphatically. She ignored the tear spilling down her cheek. It was imperative that she make him understand this. She couldn’t bear to consider him furthering this huge mistake they’d made…the error she’d made. He was about to have so many new, unpleasant truths start to crash in on him. She couldn’t stand to think of him enduring that while he was still involved with her—the instigator of his unhappiness. “I’ve been thinking it for a while now. I spoke to my brother about it just before we left for Reno.”

  She looked away from his narrowed gaze, fearful he would see the lie in her eyes. She had spoken to Eric, and Eric had given his opinion on his doubts about her affair with Liam. Natalie had refused to listen to a word of it.

  “Eric and I agreed that what was happening between you and me was an emotional backlash, given everything that’s happened in the past,” she said, forcing her voice not to tremble.

  “You and Eric agreed on that, huh?”

  “Yes.”

  “Look in my eyes and tell me that, Natalie,” he said, a hard edge to his quiet voice.

  She inhaled, willing the pain in her chest and throat to ease. She looked into his eyes.

  “It was a mistake, Liam. All of it.”

  For a few seconds, he just studied her. A pressure in her grew, a wild need to fly into his arms and take it all back. It swelled in her chest when he turned and headed toward the front door.

  She stood motionless for a full two minutes after he’d left, waiting for the pain to diminish. It eventually grew into a dull ache that felt like a cold, hard stone pressing against her heart.

  Several days passed, and Natalie did the things she always did—she went to work, she went to a dance class, she had dinner with her brother, Eric, one night. She felt like a robot, though. Empty. Lonely.

  Once, she’d given in to a shameful melancholy and gone to Liam’s empty cottage. She’d sat on the terrace, where they’d spent so many happy hours together, and she’d cried like the foolish child she’d been just one month before.

  She’d once told Liam that he was worried she’d asked him to open Pandora’s box. That’s precisely what had happened. Surely on his solitary journey to Germany, Liam would realize that. He would see the truth of what she’d said when she’d broken up with him. The circumstances of their investigation had not only thrown them together repeatedly, but had created a unique, emotionally charged atmosphere; one in which he might mistake his sympathy for the victim of his father’s crime for feelings of desire and caring.

  Now that Natalie was alone and had time to reflect, she could find no other good explanation for what had occurred between her and Liam.

  Not on his part, anyway. For her part, it was simple. She’d fallen hopelessly, completely in love.

  Eric had been right about another thing. Liam Kavanaugh could get practically any woman he wanted on the planet. He was bound to eventually break her heart. Perhaps it was best for that wound to come sooner versus later, so that she could begin healing.

  Both Liam and she needed to start the process of healing.

  On the fourth night after Liam had left Harbor Town, Natalie woke in a sweat. Summerlike weather had returned with a vengeance. The last few days had been hot and muggy. She considered getting up and turning on the air-conditioning, but instead rose and opened her bureau for clothes.

  She threw on some shorts and a tank top and hurriedly brushed her hair, leaving it down. The moon shone especially bright on Travertine Road as she drove. She parked her car in the empty public parking lot.

  She finally caught the cool lake breeze she sought as she walked onto White Sands, barefoot. For a full half hour, she sat on the desolate beach and listened to the waves rolling in, regular and steady as her breath. After a while, she couldn’t bear the stillness a moment longer.

  She stood, and let her anguish move her.

  It wasn’t uncommon for her to dance on White Sands when she was troubled. Tonight her emotions compelled her to new heights. She spun with longing; she leaped higher because she craved so much; her feet were compelled by the knowledge of love and desire, and by the fear that she might never know it again.

  And when she stopped moving, she saw the object of her desire standing on the beach, watching her. She froze in her posture, sure for a moment he was an illusion conjured from her longing and moonlight. He stepped toward her and suddenly he was a solid man…even more wondrous than the fantasy of him.

  She took one hesitant step toward him.

  “What are you doing here?” she asked Liam.

  “I went to your place the second I got back from the airport. Then I looked around town for you, and finally saw your car here, in the parking lot.”

  His low voice sounded wonderful to her ears, if a little surreal. She’d longed to hear it so many times in the past few days.

  “I thought a lot about what you said…about it being a mistake for us to have gotten together. I had plenty of time to think while I was on that plane for all those hours.”

  “Oh?” Natalie asked shakily. She saw him nod.

  “At first, I was just mad as hell. Somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean, I started to think a little more rationally. By the time I stewed over things on the return trip, I came to a few conclusions. You had your say the other day. How about if you give me a chance to say my piece now?”

  “I suppose that’s only fair,” Natalie murmured as her heart started to pound loudly in her ears.

  “Do you remember early on, when you told me I shouldn’t assume I was going to learn something that would make me love my father less? That I might learn something to make me love him more?”

  Natalie lowered her head in shame.

  “You shouldn’t feel bad about saying that, Natalie. Because it was the truth.”

  Her head came up.

  “Before you, I couldn’t fully see my mother and father. I couldn’t see them like an adult sees another adult. I was blinded by secrets and hu
rt. Because of you, I’m seeing them as three-dimensional people who made mistakes, and suffered, and who still managed to love and be loved. I’m seeing their flaws—trust me, I see them clearly—but I’m seeing their humanity more than ever, as well. You gave me that, Natalie.”

  She stifled a sob.

  “And I started to realize something else on that plane. I know how uncertain you’ve been at times about us being together. I know you haven’t had that much experience with guys. I started to think maybe after what happened in Lake Tahoe, your guilt and your insecurity got the better of you. I started to think—well, hope, I guess—maybe you’d made a decision about breaking up based on those things,” he said, his voice growing gruff. “And not about what was really in your heart.”

  The sob finally escaped her throat. She took one step, and suddenly he’d closed the distance between them in the blink of an eye.

  “Natalie.”

  That was all Liam said. One word, whispered hoarsely against her neck, and tears of joy burst from her eyes, because all the distilled longing in his voice was more powerful than all the doubts she’d had ever since he’d gone…

  All the doubts she’d collected in a lifetime.

  “I missed you so much,” she said.

  He rubbed her back, as if signaling for her to look at him. She lifted her head and saw that a small smile shaped his firm mouth.

  “I think I must have first fallen in love with you when I saw you dancing on this beach,” he murmured.

  Her laugh sounded ragged with mingled disbelief and joy.

  “Do you know what I think we should do?” Liam asked her quietly.

  She shook her head. It was impossible for her to speak at the moment, as full as her heart felt.

  “I think we should turn George Myerson’s saloon into a dance studio. That way I won’t always be driving down to White Sands when I wake up in the middle of the night and find you gone from bed. And you know what else?”

  “What?” she asked wetly.

  “I don’t think you should spend another night anywhere but in my arms. Ever.”

  Fresh tears spilled down her face.

  His expression softened when he fully took in how overwhelmed she was.

  “Why are you crying?” he whispered.

  “I thought…I thought maybe you wouldn’t be able to forgive me. I thought it was just a matter of time before you saw it was all a big mistake.”

  “So you decided to be the one to end things?”

  Natalie nodded, feeling foolish. “It hurt so much to let you go,” she said shakily. “I was stupid. I hope you understand. I was the one who caused you all this grief. Before me, you’d considered your parents’ marriage solid…sanctified. Before me, Deidre was your full sister, not your half one.”

  “Deidre will always be my sister. Completely,” he said quietly, brushing tears off her cheeks with his thumb. “Nothing can change that. I only wish my father could have given himself time to reflect. He would always be Deidre’s father. Always.”

  He placed his hand at the back of her head and brought her head down so he could land several hungry kisses on her mouth. “You were right to do what you did. You and I had nothing to do with the events that led up to that crash, but we had a right to know why it happened. I’m glad you asked me to look into this.”

  “You are?” she breathed out in wonder.

  “Oh, yeah,” he said certainly before he gently placed her feet on the ground, keeping their bodies pressed close. “You were the one who prodded me into doing what I should have done a long time ago. I’m thankful for that, more thankful than you’ll ever know. It hasn’t been easy, but stuff like this rarely is, I guess.”

  She stared up at his face cast in moonlight, thinking he was the most miraculous thing she’d ever seen in her life.

  “Is Deidre okay? Did you tell her about Linc?”

  “Yeah. She’s flying to Tahoe even as we speak. I saw her off in Detroit.”

  “You’re kidding.”

  Liam shook his head.

  “But surely she shouldn’t go alone,” Natalie murmured.

  He sighed. “No one needs to take care of Deidre. She’s a force of nature. I told her I’d come out and join her in a few days if she wanted me there. Who knows what’s going to happen? We’ll just have to let things play out as far as her and Linc. I wanted to get back to Harbor Town as soon as possible, though.”

  “Why? Because of your job?”

  “No. Because I couldn’t stand not seeing you another second longer,” he said with a low, sexy chuckle that caused goose bumps to rise on her neck. He shook his head in bemusement as he looked down at her. “I wonder if I’ll ever figure you out.” He cupped her jaw in his customary tender gesture. A few more tears spilled down her cheek onto his fingers. “Did you really have yourself convinced this was a temporary thing between us? A blip on the radar screen?”

  She winced. “I didn’t want to believe it, but the circumstances have been so strange. I thought maybe…”

  “What?” he demanded gently.

  “That you’d convinced yourself you cared, when really it was just misplaced guilt…or pity,” she finished in a whisper.

  She caught the fierce glint in his eyes before he lowered his head and spoke next to her upturned lips.

  “The last thing I feel toward you is pity. Will you get that into your head?”

  He raised his eyebrows in half exasperation, half amusement when she nodded meekly. He pressed his forehead next to hers.

  “There are a lot of things that are uncertain for my family right now. Please tell me you’re a certainty, Natalie.”

  “I’m a certainty,” she replied quickly.

  His slow grin caused a quivery sensation deep inside her.

  “Good. Because I’ve never been more certain of anything in my life. How about if we go to the cottage…how about if we go home?”

  She couldn’t help but grin. “Eric is going to be so put off by all this.”

  “To hell with Eric,” Liam said. “He shouldn’t have ever tried to talk you out of living at the cottage, when it’s obvious it’s your home.”

  They shared a smile.

  “You ready?”

  “I’m so ready,” she whispered.

  His mouth lowered, and they sealed their deal with a kiss.

  * * * * *

  ISBN: 978 1 472 09462 9

  IF I CAN’T LET GO

  © 2011 Beth Kery

  Originally published as Liam’s Perfect Woman

  Published in Great Britain 2014

  by Mills & Boon, an imprint of Harlequin (UK) Limited

  Eton House, 18-24 Paradise Road, Richmond, Surrey TW9 1SR

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