At that point, Giorgio Bellanti stopped by Nina’s dressing room and she introduced everybody.
“Nina’s friends are my friends,” Giorgio boomed enthusiastically, crushing Nina against his side.
An immediate rapport developed between Giorgio and Jesse, who talked animatedly until Rebecca reminded them that Nina would probably like to finish changing.
“Of course!” cried Giorgio. “We will all go out for pasta, yes?”
Jesse agreed immediately and suggested they stop by a little jazz club he knew, as long as they were out.
“If you don’t mind,” Nina said hesitantly, “I think I’ll just go home. I’m awfully tired.”
“She works much too hard,” Giorgio said in a fatherly tone.
Nina smiled weakly as he said goodnight and escorted Rebecca out of the room. Jesse turned and looked at Nina with concern.
“You all right?” .
She nodded.
“Is that no-account Kansas boy treating you right?”
“Yes, of course.” She smiled wryly and added, “In his fashion.”
“I don’t want to pry ... but I’m a good listener.”
Nina sighed and sat down. “Oh, Jesse. You know what his life is like. And it affects everyone who’s close to him.”
“I know. I’m not one for giving advice, Nina, so I won’t tell you that it’s the sort of thing you really can learn to ignore if you two love each other enough. I won’t even tell you that he’s a fine person who protects what’s most important to him.”
“Thanks, Jesse. Anything else you don’t want to tell me?”
“Just that thirty-five years ago Rebecca had some of the same doubts you’re having now. When she’s angry at me, she likes to pretend she still hasn’t made up her mind,” he added with a grin.
Nina smiled, too. “Good night, Jesse.”
She went home alone for another restless night. She missed Luke.
Their initial meeting in her apartment the next day was awkward, as if he, too, were unsure of what their current status was.
“Hi,” she said.
“Hi”
“Coffee?”
“No.”
“Tea?”
“No.”
“Perrier?”
“You know I hate that stuff. Stop it.”
They watched each other uneasily for a few tense moments.
“Are you going to ask me to leave nicely?” he asked in a low voice.
“No, of course not.” Her eyes filled with tears. She loved him so much.
“Hold me,” he said huskily.
She lurched into his arms and they clung to each other like two weary swimmers clinging to a lifeline. He kissed her hair.
“That’s better,” he whispered. “You were a million miles away.”
“So were you. Let’s sit down.”
After a while Nina told him about her experiences at the party, her embarrassment, her revulsion.
“It was all so depressing. It made me feel ... cheap.”
Luke looked disgusted, too. “That’s why I wanted to stay right by your side. The business is full of people like that, but I’ve become awfully good at keeping them away. I don’t work with anybody like that, and I don’t let anybody like that get close to me.”
“I really like Gingie and Robin ... and Sandy,” Nina admitted.
“I do, too, honey. They’re great people. But it wouldn’t be honest if I just introduced you to my friends and let you think everyone in the business is just like them. We’ll always have to deal with the other kind, sooner or later; I just didn’t mean for you to face it alone. I had no idea I’d be cornered by men in three-piece suits.”
“It’s just as well, Luke. You can’t protect me forever.”
“I want to.”
“Well, you can’t. It’s not even a good idea to try.” She lay her head back against the couch. “I see you as a man. It’s very unnerving to see the rest of the world treating you as an idol. Sometimes it’s funny, but other times it almost scares me.”
“Sometimes it scares me, too. That’s why I need you, Nina. I need someone in my life who sees me as just a man. When we close the door at night, I don’t have an image or a reputation anymore. I’m just me.” He smiled wryly. “And no one since my father has been as good as you at pointing out all my human flaws.”
“I don’t mean to be horrible to you. You just bring it out in me.” He kissed her hand. After a long pause, she asked carefully, “Were other women before me adoring and uncritical?”
“Sometimes. Not always.”
“Were there a lot of them?”
“I’m thirty-three; what do you think?”
“I think that last night someone referred to me as ‘the new girl,’ as if you go through women fast. I think that my family reads in gossip columns that you’re a real ladies’ man. I think that I’ve seen women throw themselves at you since the day we met.”
He sighed heavily. “I’m not going to try to justify my past to anyone, Nina. I admit I had a pretty wild youth; I was lonely and restless, and the lifestyle has a lot of pressures. I can honestly say, though, that I’ve never done anything I’m ashamed of and that my work has always come first.”
“Were you seeing someone when we met?”
“No.”
“You had a date.”
“I used to have a lot of dates. There was no one special. And I didn’t want to see anyone else after the first time I saw you.” He studied her for a long moment before saying carefully, “I think I can guess what you’re going through. I know I’d find it difficult to deal with if you were...”
“A sex symbol?” she supplied.
“I’m not a sex symbol. Let’s just say, if the situation were reversed, I’d feel insecure sometimes, particularly if I’d suffered through a divorce like yours.”
“Exactly,” Nina said unhappily.
“Well, there’s no reason for you to feel insecure about me,” he said firmly. “How can I convince you?”
You can tell me you love me, she thought longingly. You can tell me I may not be the first, but I’m definitely the last. But she said nothing; those words would only have value if he uttered them without prompting or pressure.
Instead she smiled reassuringly at him. “I’m just feeling a lot of pressure, I guess. I know you’re not a ... philanderer.”
He put his arm around her and sighed in frustration. “I wish there was some way to keep all the pressure away from you, but short of giving up my career and becoming a hermit, I don’t know how.”
She smiled wryly. “I don’t think you’ve got the right temperament to be a hermit. Anyhow, I’d never ask you to give up your work; you love it too much, just as I love mine. I’d hate myself if I came between you and your career. But how do you handle it all?”
He shrugged. “It took a while to learn. I guess that’s why Sandy is so ... peculiar. The whole business is pretty shocking at first; at least I had ten years of learning to take hard knocks before I started living in the public eye. It helped a lot.
“When it comes to publicity, I cooperate with responsible journalists and I ignore the rest. It used to hurt to see ridiculous things about myself in print, but I finally decided not to care what anyone besides my family and friends thought. As for shallow, clinging, back-stabbing people in the business, I ignore them, too. They don’t matter, and any time spent on them is time taken away from the people and things that do matter.”
She curled up against him, wishing she were as tough and resilient as he. But she had not spent ten years preparing to be a rock star’s lover, and the pressure was taking its toll on her confidence.
Nina was still feeling too fragile to risk any more blatant reminders that he was Luke Swain, so they decided to stay home that evening so they could just be an ordinary man and woman together. Why couldn’t he have been an opera singer?
Nina smiled to herself as she thought of Luke singing Verdi. Actually Wagner would suit hi
m better, she thought. She could hear him shouting at Kate on the phone in her bedroom. The stereo in the living room was playing an opera that was on possible offer to Nina, so she couldn’t make out what he was saying. Finally the shouting ceased, although he stayed on the phone for another ten minutes. She glanced up as he came out of the bedroom.
“How does Kate put up with you?” she asked.
“The same way you do. Only you get some fringe benefits that she doesn’t.” He leaned over the back of the sofa and nuzzled her neck.
“Stop that. I told you I wanted to look at this score tonight.”
He flopped down at the other end of the couch and leaned back to watch her. His unwavering stare began to distract her after a while.
“Why are you staring at me?”
“Just trying to picture you old and gray.”
“If you keep hanging around, that should be in about three months’ time.”
“You’re going to be a beautiful old woman. Mean, but beautiful.”
“Shh, this is the best part.” The soprano’s voice swelled passionately on the stereo. Nina gripped the score in her hands and closed her eyes. “I’d kill to sing that,” she said decisively when it was over. The room was silent now. “What do you think?” She tried to raise just one eyebrow at Luke and failed miserably.
“You still can’t do that, can you? It goes like this.” He showed her.
“You have an unfair advantage.”
“I think you’ll knock ‘em dead, honey.”
“If I get the role.” She sighed. “Nothing’s definite yet. Want to hear the other side?”
“Speaking of singing, there’s something I have to tell you...”
“The other side’s even better.”
“I’ve been meaning to mention it for a while...”
“I wonder if Giorgio will want to work in New York next fall?”
“Nina, are you listening?”
“Hmm?”
Luke threw a pillow at her.
“Hey, that’s my trick!” she exclaimed. “No fair! You find your own—”
He threw two more pillows at her.
“They’re my pillows,” she pointed out. “Watch out for that painting! What are you doing?” She shrieked with laughter as he tackled her like a football player. They both fell among the scattered pillows.
“Could a pro have done it better?” he asked cheekily.
“You outweigh me,” she reminded him.
“So I do. No broken bones I hope?” His hands roamed over her.
“That’s not a bone, Luke,” she chided and wriggled away from him. She had learned some time ago he was ticklish and used this to her advantage now.
“Hey! No fair! You promised you wouldn’t.”
“I never did! You put those words in my mouth.” She tickled his ribs.
Soon she was rolling around on the floor with him, scuffling, laughing, and teasing. Nina’s lovely and delicate possessions were all at risk.
“Watch out!” she cried between laughter and kisses as he tugged her skirt off. “Mind the coffee table! Don’t break that vase! Oh, Luke, careful of that lampl” She gasped suddenly. “Ooooh, can you do that again?”
“What, this?”
“Yes, that. That’s...” Frantically eager to touch his flesh, she slipped his shirt off his shoulders, caressing him, touching him, teasing him.
“Does that tickle?” she asked wickedly.
“Mmm, yes.”
“What are you doing?”
“Do you like it?”
“Do it a little lower.”
“You move up,” he teased.
The apartment could hardly have been said to be silent, but for a few minutes they ceased speaking.
Then suddenly: “Don’t knock that over!”
In exasperation, he muttered against her skin, “You didn’t exactly have this sort of thing in mind when you decorated this room, did you?”
“No, that’s why I thought...”
“Thought what?”
She couldn’t concentrate. He was doing things to her she had never imagined anyone would do to her.
“I thought ... we could go ... into the bed—ohh...” Nina moaned loudly and stopped trying to speak.
“Do you know, I think this might actually be illegal in some states,” Luke whispered.
Nina was well past caring. And whatever Luke had wanted to discuss was forgotten for the time being.
It was much later, when he was showing her how to make tuna noodle casserole, that he brought up the subject again.
“There’s no easy way to tell you, Nina. I have to go away. I didn’t mention it because I was hoping I could get out of it.”
“Where are you going? When are you going?”
“The West Coast. We’re leaving next week.”
“Next week? How long will you be gone?”
“Six weeks.”
“Six weeks?” Her eyes were wide. He’d be gone for six weeks. A month and a half. “You’ll be gone for the holidays?”
He nodded. “I’m sorry, Nina. I can’t change it. I tried.”
Realization dawned. “That’s what all these fights with Kate have been about?”
“Yeah.” He sighed unhappily. “I have a bunch of TV appearances during the holidays that have been contracted for ages and a series of big concerts all up and down the West Coast from now till the end of January. We’ve argued about it for weeks, but Kate’s right. Professionally and financially, I can’t afford to back out. It would cost a fortune and give me a reputation for unreliability.”
“I understand.”
“Kate kept saying you would.” He spooned some casserole onto her plate. Nina stared at it.
“I think I’ve just lost my appetite.”
“I’ll call you every day. Twice a day. Maybe you could fly out—”
“I can’t. We’re starting rehearsals for Così fan tutte in a few days. I can’t go anywhere.”
“Oh.”
Why now? she thought miserably.
She looked up and saw the concern in his eyes. He’d tried to get out of it and couldn’t; it wasn’t fair to make this any harder for him. How many times had she threatened to walk out on him when they first got involved? How many times since then had she expressed doubts about their future together? He always seemed so confident, but he needed reassurance, too.
She did her best to look calm and positive. “It’s all right. Really. We knew we’d have to deal with this sooner or later. We’re both out of town a lot. We’ll have to learn to adjust.”
“I know,” he agreed. “I just wanted to put it off till this spring or summer. I didn’t want to be apart for so long right now. It’s ... too soon,” he finished lamely.
“It’s ... not good timing,” she admitted, “but we have no choice.”
“No.”
They sat in glum silence for a while. Finally Nina put some casserole on his plate.
“I’m not hungry,” he said.
“Eat up. You’ll need lots of energy,” she informed him.
“Oh?” he asked, interest sparking in his eyes.
“Hmm. I intend to see that you get a lot of exercise your last few days in town.”
“In that case,” he said, pushing her plate toward her, “you’d better eat up, too.”
She stared at her plate. “There’s something I should have mentioned the first four times you showed me how to make this.”
“What’s that?”
“I hate tuna noodle casserole.”
Eleven
The days that followed were enormously hectic as Luke made many of the preparations he would have already made if he hadn’t been so reluctant to leave. His expression was strained from the long days he spent with the band and tired from the long nights he spent with Nina.
Amidst the ecstatic splendor of those passionate nights, Nina answered Luke’s hungry embraces with fierce desperation. She felt a sense of impending disaster that she couldn’t shak
e. She was afraid to share it with Luke; he already was under so much pressure, she couldn’t bear to tell him how much she dreaded the coming weeks.
Pull yourself together, she thought sternly. After all, what was she afraid of? Her life would go on as usual. She had her work, her friends, and her family. She would miss Luke terribly, but he had gone away before and would go again. She, herself, had spent many long months away from Philippe after she married him, at a time in her life when she was much younger and more dependent.
That was perhaps the source of her nervous tension. Her first marriage had had none of the obvious difficulties of her relationship with Luke, and yet it had failed. Two people couldn’t hold a marriage together when they were seldom even in the same city. Faced with a choice between her marriage and her career, hadn’t she, consciously or unconsciously, chosen her career? The divorce several years later had been inevitable.
Now she and Luke were facing that same reality; and Luke had already said that his work always came first in his life.
Of course, there was no comparison between Luke and Philippe. Luke was a complex, honest, mature man; Philippe had been rather shallow, silly, and selfish. There was also no comparison between Nina’s relationship with Luke and her marriage to Philippe. As a girl she had idolized Philippe; as a woman she had maintained a marriage with him that was little more than a business arrangement.
However, she was in love with Luke. She had certainly never idolized him; she frequently found him the most aggravating man on earth. She knew him, flaws and virtues and ambiguities, for what he was. And she loved him. She had fought this feeling and fought him. She had never again wanted to be as publicly humiliated as she was after her divorce, and Luke’s life was very public. Now her fears seemed laughable; Luke had crept into her very soul, had filled her heart and mind and body with his essence. Public humiliation seemed a rather minor worry compared to having her heart and soul torn out of her body.
In the dark night, with Luke’s strong arms wrapped around her, his hot mouth pillaging hers, his hard body invading hers thrust after thrust, the two of them bound together, taut and trembling, she longed to tell him what he had done to her, how he had changed her. She longed to whisper the words “I love you” against his seeking lips, to lose her gift in those searching eyes. But she was afraid to give any more, afraid to take any more; already she was unsure of where he ended and she began. She was afraid she’d never be whole again when it was all over.
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