Her final day in Boston was marred by two things. First, a radio interviewer who’d asked to interview her about her career had the unmitigated gall to ask her about Luke on live radio. Then she received a scathing review in a local Boston paper. This particular reviewer had never given Nina a good review; he belonged to an old school of opera and often criticized Nina for sacrificing pure musicality to interpretation.
Today’s review, however, while never descending into an open personal attack, icily suggested that Nina had allowed her well-publicized association with rock ‘n’ roll music to influence her classical training and completely jeopardize any musical integrity that she might have once possessed.
Nina felt sick with embarrassment. She had received bad reviews before, but this was the first time someone had ever suggested she shouldn’t even be singing classical music. Giorgio kept assuring her in broken English that the review was absurd, a cheap shot, an unwarranted personal attack from a narrow-minded tone-deaf has-been. Nevertheless, it shook Nina’s professional confidence as few things ever had.
Luke, of course, didn’t know about it. Nina was ambivalent about her own reasons for deciding not to even mention the incident to him. There was nothing he could do about it, after all, and she didn’t want him to feel responsible for what had happened. On the other hand, she was also aware of a deeper feeling of anger toward him, of misdirected frustration building up inside her. If it weren’t for him, things like this really wouldn’t be happening to her, a little voice persisted in saying.
Where was he, anyhow? She’d been back for a whole day, and he still hadn’t called.
When he finally did call, it was to deliver bad news.
“You won’t like it,” he warned.
“What?” she asked wearily.
“I’ve agreed to extend the tour by ten days.”
“Oh.”
“But Kate and I have agreed—”
“It’s okay. You don’t have to explain,” she interrupted coldly.
“Fine,” he snapped.
Nina bit her lip. She knew he was tired and cranky, he had said as much. How could she talk to him when they were both at the end of their rope?
They finished the conversation brusquely. Nina hung up feeling agitated and nervous. She should have been calmer. Of course his career had to come first. That was understandable. Hadn’t hers always come first?
But why couldn’t she come first? she thought angrily. She needed him right now. She was feeling all the pressure of a relationship with him and none of the joy. For four weeks she hadn’t seen him and had scarcely spoken to him. He wasn’t there to support her when people questioned her about him or to hold her when people attacked her unfairly. He was enjoying the good life out in California while she was holding the fort back in New York, trying to convince her family she wasn’t making the biggest mistake of her life, parrying questions about their private life, and suffering unjustified professional criticism. And now he was having such a good time he was extending his tour by ten days. How could he be so thoughtless?
Stop it, stop it, stop it, she told herself sternly. He doesn’t know how hard it is for me.
Of course, he knows.
He doesn’t. Or maybe he does, but he knows I have got to learn to deal with it.
Typical. You wouldn’t have to deal with it if it weren’t for him, would you?
“Enough!” she said aloud. Her lonely bedroom was absolutely silent. She must be going crazy.
“Oh, Luke, Luke, Luke,” she sobbed softly. “I need ... you.”
The following evening Nina saw Luke briefly interviewed on TV as he was going in to do a concert. She didn’t hear what he said. Her eyes were fixed on the beautiful, badly dressed blonde he had his arm around. The woman snuggled up to him, looking happy and proud. As she and Luke walked away from the reporters, Nina could see him cock his right eyebrow at the woman as she whispered into his ear. He laughed and kissed her cheek.
Nina stared at the TV screen as Luke faded from sight and the announcer showed off his excellent dental work.
Stay calm, she told herself. Don’t get any ridiculous ideas. You know Luke. He wouldn’t do something like that to you. He’s not some mindless guitar player that hops into bed with every groupie that happens along.
It’s probably an old friend or something. I’ll call him to tell him I love him and miss him, and I’ll ask who she is. I’ll admit that seeing her with him made me uncomfortable. That’s perfectly normal.
“Who the hell is she?” Nina asked the TV.
Luke hadn’t even begun the concert yet. He probably wouldn’t be back home for at least four more hours. She glanced at the clock. That would make it three o’clock in the morning, New York time. She had to rehearse in the morning. No, she would just call him at the Los Angeles number the following day like a sensible adult person.
At five o’clock in the morning Nina was still restlessly tossing and turning. So much for a good night’s sleep, she thought sourly. Groggy and disoriented, she picked up the phone. It would be 2:00 a.m. in LA. Surely he would be in.
“Hello?” A woman answered. It was definitely not Kate. Stay calm, Nina thought, just ask him. It’s nothing.
“Hi, is Luke there?”
“Well, yes. He’s in the shower now. And then we’re going to bed. Could you call back tomorrow?”
He’s in the shower. We’re going to bed. Nina sat down without realizing it.
“I want to talk to him now,” she said as calmly as she could.
“Well ... is it an emergency? He said he doesn’t want to be disturbed tonight. It’s sort of special,” the girl said hesitantly.
“God forbid I should disturb the two of you,” Nina said scathingly.
“Well, if you—”
“Just tell him I called, will you?”
“Who is this?”
“Nina.” She hung up the receiver very neatly. Then, with a violence that astonished her, she swept it and everything else off her bedside table.
Nina stared at the scattered objects on the floor.
“What a mess,” she said.
She wanted to kill him. Him and his foul temper and his uncouth profession and his dreadful taste! Had she put up with him, shared her life with him, loved him all this time so he could blithely hop into the sack with some blond California rock groupie the first time they were apart for a few weeks? She burned with hurt and betrayal.
Nina pounded her pillow as hard as she could, ironically noting that it was not the first time she had wished her pillow were Luke. Nina buried her face against it and sobbed miserably. Wasn’t life hard enough without Luke Swain? How could he have done this to her?
Oh, Nina, maybe he hasn’t really done anything, she thought, trying to be fair, trying to calm her shattered nerves.
After all, she had called to find out who that woman was, and then she hadn’t even asked. Admittedly, circumstances looked bad, but she shouldn’t just condemn him without asking who the woman was and what she was doing there. She had given Philippe a chance to explain before she divorced him. Of course, Philippe hadn’t had an explanation that any wife could reasonably accept.
Maybe this girl was Luke’s masseuse or his secretary or his maid or his bodyguard.
Come off it, Nina, don’t be so naïve. He’s a rock star.
Stop it. He’s Luke. He doesn’t betray his friends. Especially not me. He’s the most honest person I know.
“I’m becoming schizophrenic,” she said in disgust. “I need a break.”
He was bound to call back. What would she do then? Tell him she had had enough of scandal and gossip and groupies and long-haired guitar players? Tell him she was going back to her tame, elegant world of good manners, well-dressed men and imported wine? Tell him he’d better have a damn good explanation for that silly woman being in his room in the middle of the night?
She lay there till dawn waiting for him to call. He didn’t. She felt a deep, aching disappointment. Exha
ustion finally took over and she dozed.
Her alarm woke her barely an hour later. She finally realized why the phone hadn’t rung all night. It had been lying on the floor, off the hook, since she had knocked it over. She tripped on it as she got out of bed.
“I’m really losing my grip,” she muttered as she headed toward the shower. “I need a long vacation from all this.”
She did not, however, put the receiver back on the hook. She needed time to think before she talked to him. He had such a forceful personality, he could talk her into almost anything. She was falling to pieces under the pressure; whatever she did now had to be a rational decision, which she made alone. Would she stay with him and work it out, or would she leave him for a tamer life?
She had a grueling eight-hour rehearsal ahead of her, which would require all her energy and concentration. She would do that, she would come home to sort out her feelings as best she could, and then she would call Luke. A clear, simple plan of action.
She was absolutely useless at rehearsal that day. Exhausted and unhappy, Nina couldn’t concentrate or focus her physical energy. Halfway through the morning the director told her to go home and stay in bed until she felt better. She tried to argue, but he wouldn’t hear of it.
She returned to her empty, silent apartment. The phone was still lying on the floor. She put the receiver on the hook and lay down on the living room couch.
She fell asleep for four hours, dreaming the whole time of Luke, erotic, confusing, frustrating dreams that mirrored her anxiety and insecurity. She woke at last, slowly coming out of her slumber, taking a long time to separate reality from her dreams.
With her rehearsal canceled and no performance that night, Nina indulged in the first real chance for serious reflection she’d had since the world had started caving in on her.
She lay on her couch in the fading light and thought about Luke. Thinking of who and what he really was, she slowly realized that last night had simply been a symptom of extreme stress. Luke wasn’t like her ex-husband. He wasn’t like any other man in the world. And while he might be the sexiest man alive, if he had a strange woman in his room in the middle of the night and asked not to be disturbed by anyone, it wasn’t because he was “cheating” on Nina. He had too much integrity to betray her trust like that, she was sure of it.
It was probably some poor unsuspecting girl he cornered to lecture about wildlife preservation or political equality, or maybe an old friend who wanted to talk to him. Of course, she’d still ask him. She would also ask him, for her sake, to exercise a little forethought from now on.
Nina’s state of physical and mental exhaustion had somehow reduced her problem to its bare essentials. Usually other people’s problems looked so simple, while her own seemed terribly complex. But right now everything looked very clear.
She loved Luke. She wanted him more than anything. She’d risk everything to be with him. Was she really going to let a lot of overzealous fans, obnoxious photographers, rude reporters, silly scandal mongers, and shallow hangers-on come between her and her needs? Did they matter more than Luke? Or more than her?
She hadn’t had ten years to develop a thick skin and tough attitude, but she had Luke now to help her learn. She knew how damaging those outside influences could be. Was she such a wimp that she would let them ruin the happiness she had with Luke?
It would be nice if she and Luke could live in a vacuum, the way they had in Jesse’s upstate cabin, with just each other and long days of peace and quiet; but they couldn’t. Neither of them was made for peace and quiet and obscurity. And if either of them had wanted a quiet life, they certainly wouldn’t have chosen each other.
Nina examined the changes in herself with astonishment. Luke had stirred up her soul, stripped away the sheen and the gloss, taught her to want probing, provoking, deep communication with a man. She had led a tame life full of underlying restlessness. He had changed all that and given her a wilder name. Now she could never become the cool, composed, remote, lonely woman she might have become otherwise. He filled her, he drained her, he used her up and gave everything he had in return. They would always be very different people, that wouldn’t change; yet they would always be a part of each other.
So did she really care what a lot of strangers in the scandal sheets thought about her, or what snide reviewers said about her, or how many of her meals were interrupted by rock fans?
She didn’t care. She knew her family would continue to have their doubts for a while, but they’d learn. They liked him; they might never grow to love him—he was such an aggravating man—but they would grow to trust him as she did. And if they didn’t, it wasn’t her problem, anymore. She loved him.
Nina felt enormously satisfied. She felt happy enough to dance down Lexington Avenue and strong enough to pick up her whole apartment building.
So why didn’t he call? She had put the phone back together. Did he expect her to sit around all night waiting for him to call? Didn’t he realize how many important things she had to tell him?
If only she could see him. If only she could hop a plane to LA. But she couldn’t. She had to rehearse. She just couldn’t pick up and—
“That’s it,” Nina said. She jumped off the couch and ran into the bedroom. She grabbed an overnight case and opened her closet.
She would go anyhow. She could fly out tonight and come back tomorrow night. She’d miss one whole day of rehearsal, the first ever. Tough. She wanted to come first in Luke’s life; how could she ask that of him if he didn’t come first in her life? She had to show him how much he meant to her. So let the opera company fire her. Tough.
“Well, maybe that’s a little rash. Maybe I’ll call in sick from the airport,” she decided.
She piled things carelessly into her overnight bag and slammed the lid shut. She had to get to Luke, to hold him, to tell him, to love him...
She grabbed her mink coat and carried everything into the living room. She looked inside her purse to make sure she had enough cash with her.
The doorbell rang.
She put on her coat. Whoever it was, she was going to get rid of them. She was leaving now.
She opened the door.
“Luke!” she exclaimed. He looked terrible. His eyes were bloodshot, his hair was rumpled, he was pale, and he needed a shave. Nina’s first words to the man she loved were not the ones she had planned. “You look awful!”
He frowned at her mink coat. “Why are you wearing that coat?” he demanded irritably. “You know I hate that coat!”
“Oh, Luke!” She threw herself into his arms, nearly strangling him with her enthusiasm and smothering him with kisses.
Somehow, with their arms wrapped around each other and their mouths melded together, they managed to get inside the apartment and slam the door shut. Nina pressed her body against his, feeling him stir against her, the sudden hardening of his body telling her more graphically than any words how lonely he had been without her.
“Stop it,” he said at last, his voice husky and his breathing ragged.
“What?” she asked breathlessly.
“Stop it. Go sit over there. I want to talk to you,” he said as sternly as he could.
“But I was just on my way—”
“I don’t care where you were going! This is more important.”
“But I—”
“You’re not going anywhere until we’ve settled this!”
“I—okay.”
“I spent all night trying to reach you and all day making connecting flights to get here!”
“Oh, Luke—”
“I have to be back in LA tomorrow night.”
“Don’t you have to perform—”
“Never mind that! I got your message last night, Nina, and I can just imagine what sorts of horrible thoughts have been running through your mind since then.”
“I—”
“I’m not going to get offended or hurt. No, that’s not true. I’m hurt like all hell! Why didn’t you
talk to me before you hung up and assumed the worst?”
“Well—”
“No, I didn’t mean to say that. I mean ... I know that your divorce made it difficult for you to trust anyone. I’m not a patient man, Nina, but I’ve tried to be understanding about this because I love you—”
“You what?” she interrupted, her eyes wide.
“Will you please stop interrupting me! This is hard enough as it is! What the hell time is it here, anyhow?” he said irritably. “The least, the very least you could have done, after all we’ve been through together, was to talk to me about this before you flew off the handle. Is that too much to ask?”
“No.”
“No?” That seemed to take the wind out of his sails for a moment. “Well ... Anyhow, I don’t care what we have to do, but we are not going through this again! I’ll give up concerts, cut my hair, grow a beard, and make a living writing tunes for dog food commercials, but I’m not giving you up! And that’s final!”
“Luke, I really don’t want you to do all those things.”
“Well, that’s tough! Because ... You don’t?”
“No. Beards itch. I’m pretty used to your hair by now. And I don’t really see a future for you in dog food.”
He plopped into a chair, totally deflated. “Then what the hell do you want from me?” he pleaded.
“You could repeat what you said earlier.”
“What?”
“Three little words.”
He looked blank for a moment. “I love you?” he said incredulously. He scowled. “Nina, I’ve been up for nearly forty-eight hours. I flew thousands of miles today. I made every airline employee from here to LA hate me. I wrestled with an old lady at JFK to get the first taxi cab into the city. I spent hours planning what to say to you, although I’ve forgotten it all. Can’t you at least concentrate for a minute?”
A Wilder Name Page 18