Double Pleasure, Double Pain

by Nikki Rashan

  Suddenly, a sparkle caught my eye. I focused my eyes toward the twinkle and found Mya’s gold tooth flashing across the room. She walked straight up to me. I expected to see Trina as well, but there was no sight of her.

  “It’s a pleasure seeing you again,” she said, extending her hand. I shook her hand, but she didn’t let go. Instead, she stroked my palm with her thumb. “I knew it,” she said.

  “Knew what?” I asked, silently praying she would let my hand go.

  “I knew you had it in you. I couldn’t even tell who you were with last night.”

  She finally noticed Steph and let my hand rest.

  “I don’t know what you mean,” I said.

  “I watched you all evening, talking to your guy but leaning on your girl over here. You better watch it. Girl, body language is a killa! It tells the truth.”

  She turned to walk away but added, “Don’t deny what you can’t hide.”

  I finished the rest of my drink listening to those words over and over in my head. Was it that obvious? Could Steph tell? Or worse, could Jeff see it? I couldn’t conceal it any further, my attraction to Steph was undeniable. She was the prettiest woman I ever laid my eyes on. She was smart and independent and she stirred feelings in me that I didn’t know existed. I got excited spending time with her and my body tingled by her touch.

  Jay-Z’s “Give It to Me” came on, and Karen yelled, “Das my jam! Le’s go!” She grabbed Steph’s hand, Steph took hold of mine, and we headed to the cubicle-sized dance floor.

  Karen danced super-cool, bopping from side to side, trying to look like a mack dancing with two women. And Stephanie completely took me off guard. The girl moved like she had just stepped into Jay-Z’s video, hips grinding the air with her arms stretched over her head, fingers snapping. She never missed a beat. She closed her eyes and let the music guide her.

  We danced two more songs before heading back to the bar. Steph ordered another drink for me while I went to the bathroom. I felt like I needed to splash cold water on my face, partially because I was sweating, but mostly because of Stephanie’s seductive dancing. The girl turned me on.

  When I returned, Karen was cornered up with a delicate, thin girl with thick, long braids that looked too heavy for her head. I just knew she’d fall over if she turned her head sideways. Steph was sitting at the bar, saving a stool for me with her hand. She was talking to a beautiful, older woman behind the bar.

  “I’ve been busy lately,” she was saying. “But I’ll stop in more often. Promise.”

  She introduced me when I sat down. “This is my friend Kyla.” I put my hand out, but instead of taking it, the beautiful woman leaned forward and kissed me on the lips. I wasn’t expecting a kiss and I tried not to show my surprise. “Having fun?” she asked.

  I looked into her darkly rimmed charcoal eyes. “Yes, I am.” I almost said ma’am but I caught myself. She looked like she tried hard not to look her age. She nodded at Steph and went back to making drinks.

  “That’s the owner,” Steph explained.

  “Okay,” I said, “but what’s up with the kiss?”

  “She kisses everybody. And I mean everybody. Most of us know to turn our cheek to her. Girl, can you imagine everywhere those lips have been?”

  I sipped on my drink and noticed Steph eyeing it.

  “Thirsty?” I asked, and handed it to her. She put her mouth on my straw and took two quick swallows.

  “Enough. I’m driving tonight. It’s on you next time!”

  “Next time? So you’ll bring me back?”

  “I think so. I thought maybe you’d be all stiff and scared, but you’re not. I like that,” she said.

  “I like it here,” I said, looking around at all the women enjoying each other’s company. “It’s nice to hang out without a bunch of men breathing down my neck.”

  “Tell me about it. I don’t mind going out with my straight friends, but sometimes I’d rather stay home and avoid the whole game.”

  “Mmm-hmm,” I agreed as I sucked on an ice cube.

  I stared at her and admired how her honey-colored eyes glowed in the dim light. How they had grown slightly heavy and twinkled when she looked at me. I reached up and touched her hair, stroking it from the part at her scalp, down to her ends, where it hung just beneath her breast. The tips of my fingers grazed the fabric of her sweater over her breast.

  “Your hair is so pretty like that,” I commented.

  “Thanks,” she said, looking back at me. Her eyes were now filled with questions.

  “Did you hear what Mya said to me?” I asked her.

  “Yes, I did.”

  “Why do you think she said that?”

  “You have to answer that question for yourself, Kyla.”

  We sat for a moment in silence, looking at two women across the bar that needed to leave and get a hotel room.

  “What do you think?” I asked her.

  “About what, exactly?” she asked, not making it easy for me.

  “What she said. I mean, do you think I’m hiding something?”

  She twisted her stool to face me and rested a hand on my thigh.

  “I don’t know if you’re hiding something, unless you come out and tell me. I don’t like to speculate. I prefer the truth.”

  I sat and let the vodka relax me. Dammit. Why do we lose all inhibitions at this point? I twisted so I could face her as well and rested my hand on top of hers.

  “I don’t know what I’m feeling,” I admitted. “All I know is, I like spending time with you way more than I should. And I have these visions about you and what a relationship with you would be like. And I don’t know why I get butterflies whenever you’re close to me. And I don’t know why I’m telling you this, because you’re going to think I’m crazy.”

  Without a second of hesitation she reached in her purse and got her keys out. “You ready?” she asked.

  “Sure,” I said. I felt tears of embarrassment burn my eyes but I forced them back.

  Karen yelled, “Lata” to us on our way out, but Stephanie barely acknowledged her.

  We rode in silence, no radio and no conversation. Did I piss her off? I wanted to ask but I was filled with too much fear to look at her, let alone ask a question. Her hands gripped the steering wheel tightly and her face held a stern look. She barely slowed the car as she took turns and sat impatiently at each stoplight that held us up.

  “I want you to stay,” she said when she parked her car next to mine outside her apartment. “Don’t drive home tonight,” she instructed.

  “Okay,” I said quietly, opening the door and walking so slowly you would have thought I was on death row.

  Inside, I changed into the pajamas I also kept in my overnight bag and asked Steph for a blanket so I could make a bed on the couch.

  “No, you can sleep with me.” Her voice was flat, showing no emotion.

  I was so tired and hurt that I went straight to bed and pulled the covers over my head. I made sure to lie close to the edge and turn my back to her side of the bed. Still, I wouldn’t let the tears of shame fall.

  She shuffled about the room for several minutes before getting into bed. She faced my back and touched the skin peeking just above my tank top. My body warmed.

  “I’m not mad at you, Ky,” she said, her fingernail tracing a circle around the small mole on my shoulder blade. “I know that’s what you’re thinking. But I want to talk in the morning, okay?”

  “Okay,” I said, slightly relieved. She turned over, but remained close enough that the smalls of our backs were touching. I stayed awake until her breathing became heavy and slow. Eventually, I fell asleep also. If it weren’t for the vodka, I probably wouldn’t have slept a wink.

  I was sprawled across Steph’s bed like I owned it when I woke up. The bedroom door was closed but it didn’t block the smell of frying bacon, and my stomach grumbled with delight. I sat up and looked in the black mirror to my right. It was a scary sight, with my hair stuck to the right side o
f my face and mascara smeared under my eyes like a linebacker.

  I washed my face and brushed my teeth before entering the kitchen. Stephanie was at the stove making scrambled eggs.

  “She’s arisen,” she said cheerfully, her mood obviously brightened since last night.

  “Good morning,” I said, surprised by the gleefulness in her voice.

  “Barely. It’s almost noon.”

  I looked at the clock. It was eleven-fifty-three. I must have needed that sleep bad. She fixed our plates, and we sat at the table. We both ate like we were in an eating contest. I felt the need to explain my actions at the Dollhouse.

  “I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable last night. I shouldn’t have said the things I said,” I apologized.

  “Yes, you should have. I’m glad you did. And I’m sorry for the silent treatment. I just didn’t think you were in the right frame of mind to talk about it at the time.”

  I agreed.

  “I like you, Ky,” she continued. “I think you’re one of the nicest and sweetest people I’ve met in a long time. But I don’t know if crossing the friendship line is a good idea for us. I’ve been in this situation before where my straight friends think they’re attracted to me. But that’s where it ended. It never went any further.”

  For the first time, she lowered her eyes when she spoke. “It’s different with you, though. I feel close to you in a way that I shouldn’t either. I mean, I admit I’ve been flirting with you a little bit. I can’t help it,” she said, smiling. “I look forward to seeing you every Monday in class. It’s one of the highlights of my week. But you’re in a situation that I stay away from. You’re involved with a man and that’s dangerous. I feel like I could really get into you and I’m not prepared to deal with that, considering your circumstances. And most importantly, I need a woman who’s secure in herself and her sexuality, not someone testing the waters.”

  I let her words digest before responding. How could I know if I was testing the waters if I hadn’t even dipped my toe in yet?

  “I understand what you’re saying, Steph. I know I’m in a relationship and this isn’t supposed to be happening. But this is the first time I’ve ever felt this way about anyone since I’ve been with Jeff. And it’s definitely not something I planned. I don’t know how to comment on the curiosity issue. I’ve also never felt this way about a woman, so I honestly can’t say how I would feel if I ever experience what it’s like to actually be with one. But whatever happens, I don’t want to risk our friendship.”

  “It’s hard now, Ky. The door is open. Do we walk through or close it?”

  I heard my cell phone ring from the living room. I knew it was Jeff wondering where in the hell I was.

  Selfishly I asked Stephanie, “Can we leave it open for now and maybe walk through when and if the time is right?”

  She wiggled in her seat. “That’s fine. I’m okay with that. But think about this, would you even ask to leave the door open if you truly felt you were with the right person?”

  I had no answer.

  7

  Monday morning I overslept by forty-five minutes after a night of restless sleep. Tori and Vanessa were already on their StairMasters when I arrived at the gym. I had spent the previous afternoon shopping for Gladyce’s birthday gift and hanging out with Jeff, the whole time lying about my whereabouts Saturday night.

  I told him Steph and I stayed at the library until eight o’clock, which was why I missed his first phone call at five o’clock. My cell phone was turned off at the library, you know, to avoid those irritated stares if my phone were to disturb others’ studies. We were starving when we left, so we went back to Steph’s place and ordered pizza. Oh, why didn’t I call him back? Because he was out to dinner with Kent and I didn’t want to interrupt. See, Steph and I fell asleep shortly after eating and slept the rest of the night. So why didn’t I answer my phone when he checked in after getting home from the bar (I guess the fact that I was supposed to be sleeping wasn’t enough)? Well, my phone was in my purse, which Steph had put in the closet with my jacket. I guess I didn’t hear it ring.

  I was mentally exhausted from telling those lies, and the guilt was eating me alive. I figured that’s why I wasn’t able to sleep. That is, until about three o’clock in the morning when my body finally gave in. So I slept until seven-fifteen, even though I’m normally at the gym by seven-thirty.

  Vanessa was full of enthusiasm when I arrived. Tori seemed a bit annoyed. I had enough on my mind, so I’d worry about her moody ass later.

  “What are you all smiles about?” I asked Vanessa. Her smile made me smile and perked me up a bit.

  “Roger and I moved the date up,” she screamed, excitement belting through her veins like electricity. “We found the perfect place for the wedding and reception together. This way, no one else is getting their way but us!”

  “What’s the new date?” I asked.

  “Take a guess. You’ll never guess!” she exclaimed.

  “All right, just tell me then,” I said, sharing her excitement.

  “New Year’s eve,” she almost screamed.

  “Really? As in only two and half months from now?”

  “Yep,” she squealed.

  “You’d better start hustling. That day will be here before you know it.”

  “I know, girl, I know. But I got so much done this past weekend already. After I talked with you Saturday morning—by the way, thank you,” she sang to me. “I called Roger and he came over right away. We sat and talked for hours and agreed that our wedding should be just that, ours. So we put our heads together and decided to combine the wedding and reception into one neutral place. Guess where?”

  She was really into the guessing game this morning. I looked over at Tori who was eyeing a cutie lifting weights across the room. Obviously, she had heard this story already.

  “Tell me, Vanessa,” I said.

  “The museum,” she said, actually clapping her hands.

  “Really? I never would have guessed that. That will be beautiful. And different. You won’t be by the dinosaurs, will you?” I asked, joking with her.

  “Yes, I thought that would be unique,” she said, a little disappointed.

  “What?” I was only kidding with her.

  “I’m just playing,” she said, slapping me a little too hard on the shoulder. “But that really was an option. Anyway, we decided on the African Serengeti. They even provide the catering!” The girl was too thrilled.

  “It sounds great, V, I’m so happy for you both,” I said, hugging her.

  She continued smiling and went back to working her thighs on the StairMaster, energy bursting through her body. I decided to find out what was wrong with Tori.

  “What’s up, Tori? You’re quiet over here,” I said. She stared at me. No, she glared at me. I was a little startled.

  “Where were you this weekend?” she demanded, like she was Gladyce and had given birth to me.

  “Saturday I worked on a paper at the library, and I was with Jeff yesterday,” I explained, like I really was her kid.

  “That’s it?” she asked like she knew I left something out. I was too tired to tell another lie.

  “I spent Saturday night with Steph,” I told her.

  She continued to stare at me. She couldn’t possibly know about the club, so I wasn’t even about to volunteer that information.

  “What happened with Juan?” I asked, changing the subject.

  “Dismissed.”

  “Good. That was wrong of him to flirt with Stephanie.”

  “You know,” she said with an irritated edge in her tone, “you two spend a lot of time together.”

  “And?” I challenged.

  “I’m just saying. She sees you more than we do.”

  Please tell me this isn’t about jealousy over friendship. We’re seriously too old for this. I understood the bond that the three of us shared, but with it being so strong, why did she feel so threatened?

  “Our sch
edule hasn’t changed. I’m still here every Monday and we’re still on every Friday,” I said.

  “And every other day you’re with her. You’re not going to start bringing her every Friday, are you?” Tori asked like I better not consider it.

  “Why? Would there be a problem if I did?”

  “I’m just used to our little group, that’s all. It’s our own club.”

  Did she say club? I guess we were retreating back to third grade and OSC days. She was pissing me off now and forced me to resort to her level.

  “That doesn’t stop you from bringing a new member every week, now, does it?”

  I dared her to respond. Vanessa kept quiet, continuing to smile to herself. I finished my workout alone while trying to figure out why Tori was acting so childish. We’d been friends since we were kids, and I wasn’t interested in fighting over petty issues.

  I tried to put myself in her shoes to see how I would feel if she or V gained a new friend. Would I resent that person for spending so much time with my lifelong friend? I seriously doubted it. Or was I not being a true friend by not being honest about my whereabouts with Stephanie? I wasn’t sure if she and Vanessa were always 100 percent honest with me. We were still entitled to private lives. Still, I couldn’t go all week with an attitude, so I approached Tori in the shower.

  “What’s going on, Tori? Is there something you want to talk to me about?”

  She stopped lathering herself in deodorant soap and turned to face me. Although I was three inches taller than Tori, her stare dominated the moment.

  “You tell me,” she demanded.

  “What do you mean?” I asked, feeling slightly uneasy.

  She shook her head. “Never mind, Ky. I’ll just wait. Meanwhile, we’re still cool.”

  I felt like I was having a conversation with someone I had only known a short time, not twenty years. And what was I supposed to tell her? Was my attraction to Steph as obvious as Mya said and as lucid as I feared?

  “Are we still meeting at the restaurant Friday night?” I asked.

  “Yes, I’ll be ready around nine,” she answered and stepped out of the shower. Then she turned around. “You are bringing Jeff, right?”