Double Pleasure, Double Pain

by Nikki Rashan

  When it was time to leave, I could tell that Yvonne preferred to be alone with Byron, so I didn’t invite them to go out for drinks. Instead, Jeff and I headed to Blockbuster for a late-night movie.

  We had driven my car because Jeff was getting a new ride on Monday and didn’t want to risk any accidents; he was a firm believer in Murphy’s Law. I parked outside his place and instinctively popped my trunk open to grab my overnight bag, which normally carried my extra toiletries and a sweatsuit. I stopped in my tracks when I realized that the clothes I wore to the library were still in my bag instead. I had changed into my sweatsuit before leaving Steph’s place the morning after our visit to the Dollhouse. If Jeff saw the clothes, he might realize that I didn’t “accidentally” fall asleep at her place and leave fully dressed the next day as I had said.

  I quickly closed the trunk as he got out of the car.

  “I forgot that I took the bag in my apartment when I cleaned out my car,” I lied before he even asked a question.

  When had I cleaned out my car? He didn’t inquire, even though the leaves on my car floor made it obvious that my Camry hadn’t been vacuumed in a while. He put his arm around my waist and escorted me to his place. My little white lies were adding up, and I knew they were only going to get bigger.

  A couple of weeks later, I arrived to class fifteen minutes early, anxiously awaiting Steph’s arrival. Besides sneaking to see a movie with the passes I’d won from the radio, I hadn’t seen her outside of class and breakfast, although she had been on my mind constantly. When I was at work, or studying, and even hanging with Jeff, she was there; dancing around the back of my head, behind my neck, whispering in my ear, making her presence known.

  We remained platonic, though our connection and attraction toward one another grew stronger with each encounter. How I yearned to hold her hand and lay my head against her shoulder while at the movies. With each goodbye hug my body ached for more; a stroke of my hair, a nuzzle in my neck, a kiss to my lips. I was ready to walk through the open door.

  Steph finally entered the room looking professional in a black pantsuit with a heather blue blouse tucked in by a black leather belt. Her hair was pulled back with a simple, black scrunchie. Her face was flushed by the late October chill in the air.

  “How was your week?” she asked after a quick hug.

  The younger students stared at us curiously. I ignored them.

  “Busy, but nice. And yours?” I replied.

  “The same and still going. I have a business meeting I have to get to after breakfast and then I have to get back down here for my afternoon class.” She pulled out her books and started telling me about Jaron. “Last week Jaron was out of school a couple of days and tried his best to convince me that he’s old enough to stay home alone. I know my baby is a good kid and he’s fairly responsible, but he’s only nine and in the fourth grade. Eight hours is too long for him to be alone to me. He loves his grandma’s house, but I think he’s struggling for a little independence. He heard the term mama’s boy from a girl at school early last week, so now he fears he’s going to be one. Too late!”

  “If your mom ever has something to do and I’m not at the store, I don’t mind hanging out with him. As a matter of fact, I’d love to,” I told her.

  “That’s sweet, Ky. I’m sure he would love that. He actually asked about you.”

  “What did he ask?” I asked, feeling special.

  “He wanted to know if you were coming by again. I think he might have a little crush on you. I guess I have even more competition!”

  I was surprised by her subtle joke about Jeff being competition. Did that mean she wanted more than friendship from me? I sure as hell hoped so. I reached in my bag and handed her a vacation booklet titled Nassau, Bahamas.

  She flipped through it and sighed dreamily. “This looks so good to me right now,” she said.

  I took a deep breath and dug deep inside to get up the courage to ask this woman I had known for only two months to go on a romantic vacation with me. I needed to ask her to keep it a secret from my family and friends because they wouldn’t understand. I wanted her to be my date, my companion, and my lover for three nights, knowing someone else would be at home waiting for me when I returned. I needed her to feed the hunger in my body that craved her whenever we were apart.

  “Will you go with me?” I asked.

  “Kyla, are you sure?” she asked. But before I could respond she answered. “Yes, I’d love to.”

  I wanted so badly to kiss her right then and thank her for feeling the same way I did.

  “I missed you last week,” she confessed.

  “Why didn’t you call me?” I asked.

  “I can’t call and risk the chance of Jeff being there. I know I would be hurt even though I shouldn’t be,” she admitted.

  I felt bad because I knew this situation was unfair to her. Still, because of the way she made me feel, I couldn’t walk away. At the same time, I couldn’t lose Jeff over an uncertain future with someone else. I was being selfish. A quality I hated in people, and especially in myself.

  Over breakfast I told Steph I was the grand-prize winner of the radio contest and that we could take our trip anytime now through the end of February. I wanted to go now.

  “How are we going to do this?” she asked, downing her second cup of coffee as we sat in the restaurant. We had only been there fifteen minutes.

  “I want to plan the trip for the day after Thanksgiving. I plan to tell Jeff that I’m going with David. He’ll think David won the trip.”

  She shook her head. “Why would David take you instead of some hot, manly body? Won’t Jeff ask?”

  “I thought about that. But David and I have always been close and I’m going to tell him that David just ended a relationship and was planning on taking that person. Now he doesn’t want to take just any old fling. Trust me, Jeff won’t question it.”

  “I guess you’ve got it all figured out.”

  I thought about how deceitful I must look to her.

  “Steph, please don’t think I’m a pro at this. I’ve never done this before, and truly, the last thing I want to do is hurt Jeff. Or anybody, for that matter. But I can’t deny what I feel for you and I want to spend time exploring these feelings. I really don’t like lying.” I added jokingly, “Lies are so hard to remember.”

  Steph ordered another cup of coffee, exceeding her two-limit maximum. “I believe you, Kyla. You don’t have to explain yourself. I can tell this isn’t your usual nature. And I’m glad you want me to go with you. We’ll have a great time.”

  “Your mom will keep Jaron?”

  “Of course. But I’m not lying to anyone I know. I don’t have to keep secrets.”

  Okay, she put a guilt trip on me with that one.

  “I’ll call and make the arrangements and call you later this week with all the details.”

  After saying our good-byes, I was getting in my car when she asked a question.

  “Hey, what about David? Will he be game?”

  “It’s already worked out!”

  She smiled at me in wonder, blew me a kiss, and got in her car. I couldn’t help but laugh as I recalled the conversation I’d had with David last week after I finally decided to ask Stephanie to go on the trip with me.

  “David, I need a huge favor,” I said after he answered the phone.

  “What is it, honey child?” he asked in his high-pitched voice, practically singing the words to me (yes, he really does talk like that).

  I cleared my throat. “I won this trip to Nassau—” I was cut off by his screams of excitement. “You finished?” I playfully asked him.

  “Girl, hot fun in the sun!”

  I could hear his fingers snapping. He killed me sometimes.

  “Well, I need you to pretend that you won the trip and that you’re taking me with you.”

  “Whaaaaaaaaat? What do you have up your skinny sleeve, Miss Thang?”

  “There’s someone I want to take,
but I can’t let anyone know,” I said.

  “Don’t tell me you’re doing the nasty with somebody other than that fine species of a man you already have,” David said.

  “No, I’m not doing the nasty with anyone, David. But I want to take a girlfriend of mine.”

  “And what’s the problem, sugar?”

  I didn’t respond, hoping he would get the hint. But being David, I should have known that even if he did get a clue, he wasn’t going to let me know. Since he was so outspoken, direct and in your face, he preferred everyone else to be the same with him.

  “Dammit, David,” I said, frustrated.

  “Girlfriend, don’t go getting all flustered. You called me, remember?”

  Fine.

  I blurted out all the confusion, anxiety, enthusiasm, and passion I had been holding in for weeks. “I met this woman in class, David, and she makes me feel emotions I’ve never felt before. We’ve gotten close, and I want to take her with me. And I know that no one will understand why I chose to take this brand-new friend over Jeff, Tori, V, Yvonne, and Mom, you know what I’m saying?”

  There was a short silence.

  “My baby girl is finally coming out,” he said proudly, like I had just aced a math test I had been studying for twenty-six years.

  “What are you talking about? I didn’t say I was gay.”

  “So classic you are, baby girl. The first stage is denial. Go ahead and say or don’t say whatever you want, Papa knows the truth, honey. For every openly gay person in the family, there’s always another in hiding.” He laughed at his remark.

  “What are you talking about?” I asked him.

  “Kyla baby, when you and I used to play Barbies, why did I always have to change Barbie’s clothes? You were so embarrassed to look at the naked plastic doll. Two, remember Ms. Peters, Mrs. Bruce, and Mrs. Hartman? Hell, you had a crush on just about every female teacher you had! You hated your male teachers but adored the women.”

  “I really don’t think that qualifies, David,” I said, denying I had been a closeted lesbian my whole life because I preferred female teachers.

  “May be minor, but it counts. And let’s not forget about Miss Stacey. You walked around like your pet died after she got sent away.”

  “I don’t know, David. This is all so new to me.” I thought about Stephanie’s smile. “But it feels so good.”

  “Honey, I don’t know what a woman feels like, but it does feel good to let your true self shine.”

  “That’s the problem. I don’t know if this is really me. I’m so confused,” I said, sadly.

  “I understand, Kyla. You’re a late bloomer, but you’ll come around.”

  “How can you be so sure when I don’t even know?”

  “Trust me, baby girl. Now tell me all about this wonder woman. She must be all that and then some if she drew your attention away from Jeff.”

  I told him all about Stephanie and I sounded like a girl struck by Cupid’s arrow. “I can barely explain it, David. It’s not like I went looking for something in her to be attracted to, it just happened. Like I couldn’t even control it. I literally felt a pull toward her,” I explained.

  “I’ll do this for you, Kyla,” David said. “I’ll plan a getaway of my own at the same time. But I have to tell you, you don’t want to keep up this facade too long. It’s not fair to you, and most importantly, Jeff and Stephanie. You’re setting someone up to get their feelings hurt. Take this time to explore your feelings but know that eventually you’re going to have to make a decision.”

  “Thanks, David. I appreciate it.”

  “No thing, pumpkin. I’m glad you told me. Don’t think twice about calling me whenever something is on your mind. And trust me, sweetheart, you’re about to have plenty on your mind.”

  “Tell me about it,” I said. “I already can’t keep my head on straight. But I’m going to sort it out.”

  “Good for you, darling. Better late than never. I’ll talk to you soon. Smooches!”

  He smacked the phone with his lips and hung up. That’s my David. I knew he would come through for me.

  I called the travel agency as soon as I got home from breakfast and made all the arrangements. We had a charter flight at 6:00 A.M. the Friday morning after Thanksgiving and we were staying at the luxurious Atlantis Hotel on Paradise Island.

  As I stared at the pictures of the sparkling blue waters and white sandy beaches, I wondered what I was going to do with myself over the next four weeks. The anticipation was more than I could bear. It was like I’d opened my mailbox and finally received my million-dollar check from Ed McMahon. Only, I couldn’t cash the damn thing because it was postdated.

  Part 2

  Pain

  9

  I stood on the French balcony of our room in the royal tower of the Atlantis Hotel and breathed in the hot, salty air. I stared ahead at waves of endless ocean that lapped at the shore upon arrival. Below, at the pool, vacationers gathered at the bar sipping tropical mixed drinks, while others browned their skin under the steamy sun. Several children played Marco Polo with a beach ball in the pool while their parents stole quiet moments in the whirlpool. They must be hot as hell.

  Stephanie came out and stood next to me, her skin glowing under the sun. We looked around Paradise Island in silence, elated that we were there. Elation wasn’t the only emotion I was feeling, though. My stomach was a bundle of knots, twisting nervousness and excitement together.

  It was our first of four days there, and you would have thought I was going away for two weeks by the way I shopped online before the trip. Because we were on the edge of winter, I had a slightly difficult time finding what I needed. But I ended up with seven pairs of shorts, nine tank tops in sassy, summer styles, five summer dresses, four bikinis, and too many pairs of sandals and sunglasses to count. Of course, I bought all new underwear, a definite with any trip.

  I intentionally left my camera behind, although I hated to. There could be no evidence of this trip with David to be found. I hadn’t yet figured out how to explain the reason I didn’t purchase a one-use camera while I was here. I’d get creative later.

  Steph broke into my thoughts.

  “What would you like to do first?” she asked me.

  I looked at my watch. It was 12:30 P.M. We had only been in our room one hour, and we had the next four days entirely to each other.

  “How about changing into swimsuits and going down to the beach?” I suggested. “The waters looked so inviting.”

  “Sounds cool to me. Do you Jet Ski?”

  “I’ve only been once, and I was in the back. Why? You want to take me for a ride?” I asked.

  “I sure do.”

  Her eyes sparkled, and I understood the true meaning behind her words. Just the thought made my knees quiver.

  I watched Steph from the balcony doors as she went back inside, took off all of her clothes, and dug through her suitcase for a swimsuit, retrieving an orange two-piece. Steph’s naked body was strong and fit with a smooth layer of skin covering her toned muscle. Light brown freckles splashed against her back. Her breasts were full, with small brown nipples that stood firm. Her waist slimmed, leading to curvy hips and healthy thighs. Steph’s body was tantalizing, exceeding all that I had imagined it to be.

  I figured it was now or never, and now was not the time to be shy. I followed her back inside and took my clothes off, hardly able to unbutton my shirt because my hands were shaking so badly. She was pleasantly surprised when I entered, and made her way toward me so I could tie the strings of her bikini. My heart was racing like I had just run five miles at top speed.

  Both of us had our hair French-braided to the back with wooden beads that clicked with our every head movement. I lifted her braids in order to link the orange strings together in a bow.

  “Here,” she said, handing me sun protection lotion.

  I massaged the cream into the skin on her back, and she stood still, enjoying my touch. Once I dressed in my own bikin
i, she returned the favor, and my body caught on fire, even in the air-conditioned room. She tested my personal space and closed in so I could feel her nipples graze the skin on my back. I moaned from this simple pleasure and quickly got embarrassed.

  I turned around to face her and couldn’t hide the yearning in my eyes. We stood face to face and eye to eye, and I had never felt so sexy and alive in my life. Nor had I ever found someone so desirable.

  She reached and stroked my lips with her thumb before placing her soft, moist lips on mine. Her kiss was soft and tender, yet purposeful. It said she had been waiting for this moment just as long as I had been. The tips of our tongues met, and twisted, one on top of the other. She reached for my waist and squeezed the softness of my skin. I felt like I had been kissed for the very first time.

  She parted from me, searching my face for a reaction. I leaned forward and kissed her once again, a sign of the contentment and pleasure I felt on the inside. She too seemed pleased.

  We grabbed our straw bags, a pair of sunglasses each, and headed to the beach.

  “This is so beautiful,” she said, admiring what looked like heaven on earth.

  “It is,” I said in agreement. “And I’m so glad I have you to share it with.”

  She twisted her pinky finger in mine. “Me too.”

  Yep, this is what I needed. I felt like we were a couple, walking along the beach enjoying each other’s company. This time would allow me to determine just what this nagging at my heart was all about.

  We spent the next hour with my arms wrapped tightly around her waist as we rode the Jet Ski. She took on each wave fearlessly. I was having a blast, even though my eyes burned as saltwater splashed underneath my new sunglasses and snot ran out of my nose. We tipped over a couple of times but quickly hopped back on to resume our water adventure. I was having the time of my life.

  Our skin turned golden brown under the sun. The tan only made Steph’s eyes more piercing when she removed her sunglasses. We returned the Jet Ski, vowing to make one more trip before we left, and headed to the bar after rinsing off. We ordered Bahama Mamas and sprawled on two lounge chairs nearby.