by Hilary Wynne
She helps me to Julian’s bed and pretty much tucks me in. If I wasn’t so sick and concerned with how I look, I’d be freaking out about the fact my kind-of-boyfriend’s mom is putting me into his bed. It’s all a little surreal. Julian walks over and sits on the bed next to me. He places his lips on my forehead and recoils when he feels how hot I am. He turns and looks at his mom worriedly. “She’s on fire, mami. And she got so sick so quickly. I heard her throwing up.”
“She’s sick hijo, but she’ll be okay. I’ll stay here and help take care of both of you.”
I barely hear his response as I start to drift off. Everything hurts and I can’t fight the pull of sleep.
I wake up sometime in the middle of the night. It’s very dark in the room and the only reason I can see anything is because there’s a small path of light shining across the floor from a crack in the bathroom door. I’m glad someone left the light on so I don’t feel so disorientated. I’m soaking wet and assume my own fever has finally broken. Julian is next to me, and I can tell by the depths of his breathing that he’s sound asleep. I try to get up without waking him, but have to sit right back down because I’m so dizzy. My head is pounding and my mouth is so dry. I try again and manage to get myself into the bathroom. I brush my teeth again and splash some water on my face. I want to change, but that would require me going into the closet to get something to wear, and I don’t have the energy. I’d just be naked, but I’m not sure if Marisol is still here and that would be beyond awkward. I look around and am relieved to see one of Julian’s t-shirts hanging behind the door. It’s long and goes down way past my ass. I take off my wet PJs, put the shirt on, and climb back into bed. I try and take a sip of some water on the nightstand next to me, but even that little bit makes my stomach turn. I can’t do anything but lie my head back down and pray this nightmare ends soon.
Chapter 12
“Hey, baby. Are you okay?”
I answer without looking at him, suddenly very conscious of what went down last night. “Uh huh.”
“Then open your eyes and let me see you.” His voice is raspy.
“I can’t. It hurts. Everything hurts. Maybe I’m not so okay.”
“Lexie, please. I’ve been so worried about you. Please look at me.”
Something in his voice reaches into my soul and tugs firmly. He’s upset about something. I can hear it. I open one of my eyes slowly and look at him. He’s on his side, facing me, and looks as worried as he said he was. It startles me and I try to sit up. It’s a bad idea and a wave of nausea rushes through me as a result. I have to lie back down and take a few deep breaths. When I’m sure I’m not going to throw up, I open my eyes again and look at him.
“I’m okay. I have the flu, like you. You know what this feels like. You don’t need to be so worried. I’ll be fine. How are you?”
Julian reaches over and runs his hand across my cheek. He’s not convinced. I try and sit up again to show him I’m okay. “See, I’m fine. Why are you freaking out? Did something happen? Did I throw up in my sleep or something?” I’m disgusted by the thought.
“No. You—”
Julian is interrupted when Marisol walks right into the room. I pull the sheets up around me and moan softly. I’m not a good patient and I’m sure I did or said something crazy when I was out of it.
“Como estas? You don’t look much better, but you’re awake which is good.” She feels my head. “And you’re cool. Gracias a Dios. You had us so worried last night. You were burning up. We couldn’t wake you up and you were a little delirious and talking in your sleep. I was about to take you to the hospital.”
What the hell? I was that sick? And delirious? Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! What did I say? Or do? I look at Julian and he’s biting his lip. He’s literally biting his lip so he doesn’t say anything. My heart slides into my stomach. He has that same look like he always did when I would have nightmares. I said something bad.
“I’m okay now, Marisol. Weak, but okay. I’m sorry I worried you. Thank you so much for taking care of me.” I turn and look at Julian. “You too. Thank you. I’m sorry.”
“There’s no need to apologize. That’s what moms do. You both were sick. Julian, you still don’t look great either. Did you get any sleep at all, hijo?”
“Sí, mami. Un poquito. I’m okay.”
He sounds so sweet and young telling his mom he’s okay after sleeping a little bit. I can tell he’s lying though. Something isn’t okay and I’m sure I’m the cause of it. I turn my head and look at the clock. I’m shocked to see it’s almost ten-thirty.
“Well, if you’re both okay and awake, I’m going to go home and shower and change. I’ll be back in a little while.” She hands me a glass of ice water and two Advils. “I’m not sure you’re ready to keep anything down, but when you can, take this, you need to. There’s also plenty of soup left when you feel ready to eat.”
She kisses me on the forehead and does the same to Julian before she walks out. “Hasta luego.”
I take a sip of the water and put the pills in my mouth. Thankfully I get them down and hope they stay there and kick right in. My head feels like it’s about to explode. I lie back down and look at Julian. “Spit it out so I don’t have to lie here and freak out. What did I say? Was I really hallucinating?”
“Yes. You were sound asleep until about two. I heard you start moaning and thought you were going to get sick again. My mom was asleep on the chair and she heard you too. She got up and when she touched you, she gasped. You were so hot. It freaked me out. I tried to wake you up so I could get you in the tub to cool you down. I thought you were awake because you started to talk, but when you started talking nonsense, I realized you were out of it.”
Nonsense? I hope it was nonsense I was talking. I’m torn between asking what I was saying and opening that can of worms, or just letting it all go and blaming it on my fever. The choice is taken away from me when Julian starts to tell me what I said.
“You were talking to me because you kept saying my name, but nothing made sense. You sounded like you were crying and kept saying I needed to look at you like that and that you were different, that you needed to be different. I kept asking you what you meant but you wouldn’t answer me.”
Oh crap. I was talking about the pictures of him and Alejandra. “Did I say anything else?” It’s good to know what I’m dealing with before I try and justify anything or deny anything.
Julian reaches over and takes my hand in his. “You told me I was your fairytale. You said it over and over again. I told you I understood, and you told me I had to believe you. You actually begged me to believe you.”
Oh shit. That part has to do with Luke. What the hell else was my subconscious betraying me with? I start to respond and Julian adds one more thing. “You were going on about last year’s shoes and how nobody with any fashion sense would pay that much money for such ugly shoes.”
I can’t help but smile when he says the last part. Clearly my mind was thinking about Kelsey as well. I was talking about all of the things that have been stressing me out so badly. The mind is a dangerous place, or at least my mind is. Yeah, I’m not touching any of that with a ten-foot pole.
“Well, I have no idea what all of that meant. It was just a random bunch of stuff. My fever must’ve been really high. I’m sorry I kept you from sleeping. I feel horrible about making your mom take care of me too. I’m so embarrassed.”
Julian is still looking at me all seriously. “Really?”
“Really what?”
“You’re going to pretend like none of that stuff meant anything?”
“Yes. It was nonsense, just like you said.”
“I said that to see your reaction. None of it was nonsense and we both know it. I can almost see the wheels spinning in your head as you try and decide how to handle it.”
I’m so screwed here. “Why are you making a big deal out of this? I was delirious. My head is killing me so whatever wheels you see spinning aren’t g
oing very fast.”
“I know you, baby. I really do. I watched you night after night when you were having nightmares and they always meant something. I can look at you right now and see in your eyes you want me to forget what I heard or saw. It was the same when you’d wake up after a bad dream. I didn’t know what was going on then and I don’t know what’s going on now, but something’s bothering you. You can keep it from me, or just tell me so we can move on.”
“It didn’t mean anything, Julian. I have no idea what I was saying.” This isn’t the time to tell him about Luke. If I explain one thing, he’ll make me explain them all. I know Julian. He’s an all or nothing kind of guy.
“So I’m not your fairytale, Alexa? That didn’t mean anything? I’m sorry to hear that.” Julian puts his head down and gets out of bed. Damn. I have to fix this.
With my head spinning and my body resisting every step, I use the bathroom, brush my teeth, and go to him. He’s sitting outside on the terrace looking blankly out at the water. He doesn’t even glance my way when I open the sliding glass door and he barely acknowledges me when I sit down in front of him. I take his hand in mine and tug on it a little. I’m asking him to look at me. When his eyes meet mine, they look sad.
“The talk about the shoes probably had something to do with the fact I hate Kelsey’s shoe situation. She has great taste in shoes and great taste in men. She wants you and it upset me Friday night. My subconscious was making fun of her and being bitchy.”
I wait for Julian to comment or smile, but I get nothing except the same sad look.
“You know I was upset when I got to the hotel Friday night, right?” Julian nods his head slightly. “Well, I was upset because I made a stupid decision to look through that photo album you showed me once. I swear I wasn’t snooping, and I didn’t go through anything else. I just wanted to learn a little more about your past.” Julian doesn’t look mad, so I continue. “When I saw the pictures of you and Alejandra, I got very jealous. I wondered why you still had them in an album that was special to you. Then when I saw the picture of you and her at the beach, it freaked me out. It looks like the one we have of us. You were looking at her like you look at me and it hurt to realize what we have isn’t new for you.”
The last thing I need to do right now is cry because I have nothing left inside to give. My body is operating on fumes, but I can’t stop it and a lone tear slides down my face. “And all of that is made even worse because you are my fairytale. You’re everything I’ve ever dreamed of and everything I never knew I needed or wanted. Nothing in my life has ever compared to what I feel for you, and the realization it’s not the same for you set me off. I pulled myself together, but that’s what was going on with me. My mind was spitting out all the craziness that was in it. I’m sorry you had to hear it and deal with it. I wasn’t going to say anything.”
Julian reaches over and wipes another tear away with the pad of his thumb. “You made all of those assumptions based on a picture from ten years ago.” When he says it, it sounds stupid and even I have to admit it.
“Yes. I know you too, Julian. I know how your eyes look when they’re filled with love.” I try and smile, but it’s forced.
“Alejandra made me that album. It was the nicest thing she ever did for me. It is special to me, but not because she made it or is in it. I just never took her out of it. I don’t look at it very often and when I do, it’s to look at Isabelle. I’m sorry it hurt you. I guess I would feel bad if I looked at pictures of you and an ex-boyfriend.”
This is typical Julian trying to make me feel good by apologizing when he did nothing wrong. Now I feel even worse. “To be honest, it kind of pisses me off that you made a bunch of assumptions based on some old pictures. I’m right here in front of you, and you should know what we have isn’t the same as anything else. I tell you that all the time. I show you how much I love you. I’ve done things with you I would never do with another woman. The man in that picture doesn’t even exist anymore. He isn’t who I am today.”
A few more tears fall down my cheeks. He means everything he’s saying and I know it. I feel it in my soul. I open my mouth to apologize for doubting how he feels about me, but he cuts me off with a soft kiss. “You’re the only woman who has ever really seen me. The only woman I’ve ever let in all the way. You need to know that. I’ve never looked at another woman the way I look at you because I’ve never loved another woman the way I love you.”
I lean forward and let Julian wrap his arms around me. I close my eyes and feel his heart beating against my chest; the heart that belongs to me. The heart I’m going to break when I tell him about Luke.
We stay that way for a while, just being in each other’s arms, not saying anything. We stay that way until Julian’s phone starts blowing up and spoils the moment. He picks it up and I can tell by his expression he needs to answer it. I listen patiently for about fifteen minutes as he talks to Danny. It seems like everything went well in Sanibel. As soon as he hangs up, Candace calls. I know this call will probably last longer so I excuse myself to go take another shower. I feel gross and need to get the sick washed off of me.
I stop in Julian’s bedroom and pull his sheets off of the bed, and then open the windows to let in some fresh air. I take them to the laundry room and start the load. I throw in my clothes and can’t help but smile a little. This is the first time I have ever done laundry here and it feels right. It’s such a simple thing, but it makes me feel like I belong. Julian walks past me on his way back to the bathroom and sees me doing the laundry. His smile is big. He gets it.
“Thanks for doing that.”
“I’m trying to get the sick out of that room. I don’t know if and where you have other sheets so I didn’t put anything back on the bed.”
Julian nods and takes my hand to lead me back to his bathroom. “Can I shower with you?” He winks at me. “Just shower, I promise. I’m not ready to ravage you yet.”
I laugh out loud. “Good, because I’m not ready to be ravaged. I still feel awful and my body hurts in places I didn’t know existed, but I’d never pass up a chance to be naked with you.”
“Then let’s take a bath. We’ve never done that. I never use the bath either. This is a perfect time.”
Julian turns the water on as I undress. I climb in first and he settles in behind me. As we sit in the warm bath, I literally feel the tension and soreness start to leave my body. Julian is running his hands up and down my arms and across my belly in a very soothing way. He starts to massage my neck and shoulders while I wash my hair.
“Mmm. That feels so good. But don’t I owe you a massage?”
“I’ll take you up on that soon, Corazón. The pleasure of you running your hands all over my body isn’t something I’d ever pass up.” I can feel Julian harden a little against my back and know he must be thinking about this massage. It never gets old knowing he gets turned on when he thinks about me touching him.
I feel so much better after the bath, and by the time I’m snuggled back under a blanket on the couch, I almost feel human again. Julian has brought his laptop to the couch and I flip through the channels looking for something to watch while he works. He feels better and it’s obvious. He’s about twelve hours ahead of me with this bug and I’m glad I can see it probably won’t last long. He offers to bring me some soup or something to eat, but my stomach isn’t ready yet.
I spend the next few hours drifting in and out of sleep. I’m always conscious of Julian next to me, and I swear he doesn’t leave my side for more than a few minutes all afternoon. The next time I wake up, really wake up, it’s getting dark outside. I squint and look at the clock on the TV and see it’s almost eight. Wow! I’ve been asleep for hours. I slowly sit up and find a half asleep Julian next to me. My movements rouse him and he sits straight up.
“Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. Better. You should be in bed.”
“I couldn’t agree more.” And with that Julian picks me up and carries me t
o the bedroom. His sheets are on and the bed is turned down. I can detect the sweet smell of lavender in the air.
“My mom came over again. She cleaned the bathroom and the bedroom. She was upset you hadn’t eaten and I promised I would feed you as soon as you woke up. Can you eat?”
The mention of food makes my stomach growl. I am hungry. “Maybe a little. But I can go back in the kitchen and get it myself. I don’t want to eat in here.” I’m still in Julian’s arms and he sets me on the bed. “Stay put. I’ll be right back.”
I don’t have the strength to argue so I let him bring me food. He has it all on a tray for me and I’m thankful the soup goes down easily. It’s delicious.
“Thank you for taking care of me.”
“Anytime.”
“In sickness and in health, right?”
Oh wow. Did he just recite part of a marriage vow to me? Was it intentional or just something to say in the moment? My mind starts racing. I haven’t let myself think about marriage. I’ll admit I was anxious about being in Sanibel because I knew we’d both be thinking about the proposal, but I’ve been trying to push thoughts of marriage very far away until I work through the whole Luke thing. I don’t know what to say, so I just smile and squeeze his hand.
Julian takes the dishes to the kitchen and turns the lights off when he comes back into the room. He slips in bed beside me and rests his hand on my hip.
“This weekend kicked my ass.”
“Mine too. I never get sick. Not like that anyway. I’m glad you were here with me though.”
I snuggle into my spot in his arms, exhale, and close my eyes. “Me too. I can’t think of anyone else I’d rather get sick with.”