by Hilary Wynne
“I thought you’d be here tonight.”
“It doesn’t make sense to stay here.”
“It doesn’t make sense to stay here with me? That’s good to know.”
I hear the frustration in his voice and respond with some of my own. “It doesn’t make sense to stay here, at the beach when I live so close to the hospital. You can come stay with me. That makes more sense.”
Julian’s frustrated expression is replaced by an icy one which surprises me.
“Why are you mad about that? The hospital is right near my house. I thought you’d understand.”
“I know where the hospital is, and I’m not mad you want to sleep at your house.”
I’m confused and out of patience and time. “Then what’s with the evil eye, Julian? Something I just said pissed you off.”
He shakes his head in disgust. “Do you really think I’ll ever spend another night in a bed you slept with Luke in? Do you think so highly of my character that you figure it wouldn’t bother me to lie there knowing you were there with him?”
Whoa. I never even thought about that. “To be honest, it never crossed my mind. I’m sorry you feel that way.”
“She says with a hint of sarcasm.”
I was being sarcastic and I’m glad he picked up on it. I just look at him and wait for him to continue this debate.
“Clearly you don’t think I should be bothered by that?”
“Not really.”
“Hmm. Then you don’t know me as well as you think you do. You just asked me to put myself in a situation that would not make things better between us, and I thought that was the goal here, to fix all this.” He points back and forth between us.
He’s baiting me and it annoys me that he’s trying to pick another fight. But if he’s looking for one, I’ll give it to him. “I guess I shouldn’t sleep here anymore either then because God knows how many girls you’ve fucked in the bed we just got out of. And I shouldn’t go to the hotel or to the beach or take a ride in your car because I’m sure you’ve fucked in all of the above as well. I mean seriously, Julian, is there a place we can have sex that doesn’t have the ghost of a past sexual partner hanging around?”
Julian’s mouth tightens and I can tell I’ve pissed him off even more. Oh well. I brace myself for his response.
“Like any of that is the same thing. I’m not sure how you can compare what I did before I met you to what you did after we started seeing each other. And by the way, you’re the only girl I have fucked at the hotel. I told you I don’t mix business with pleasure and I was serious.”
“Well, let me know if and when you ever plan on having sex with me again and I’ll call the hotel and make a reservation, seeing as it’s not off limits.” I may have just gone a little too far because Julian looks positively livid and is gripping his glass so hard it may shatter. I backpedal a little. “It’s just a bed, Julian. It’s not what the issue even is and we both know it. Why don’t you tell me how you feel about what I did instead of holding it all in. Let’s talk about it, please.”
“Trust me; you don’t want to hear how I really feel about what you did.”
I walk over and stand in front of him, take the glass out of his hands, and replace it with mine. “You’re wrong. I do. I know it’ll hurt, but it’s the only way we’re going to be able to move past this. You have to talk to me. You can’t keep shutting me out.”
Julian drops my hands. “Don’t you need to go?”
I bite my lip and nod my head. “Okay. I’ll go before you push me away again. Twice in one day might be more than I can handle.”
Chapter 20
The building is quiet when I get there and I’m glad. I hope it’s a slow day. Normally I prefer it to be busier so the day goes by faster, but I’m not in any kind of mood to deal with people. I turn my computer on, get myself a cup of coffee, and go to Diego’s office to talk to him about the next couple of days. I see he’s on the phone so I start to walk away, but he motions for me to sit down. I wait patiently as he finishes his call.
“Hola, Alexa. Como estas?”
“I’m okay. A little stressed out, which is what I need to talk to you about. My dad is having heart surgery tomorrow morning and I’m hoping it’s okay if I take Monday and Tuesday off so I can be there. I know it might leave you a little short-handed, but you can put me on the schedule for the rest of the week and next weekend.” I grit my teeth on that last part. The Bruno Mars concert Julian gave me tickets for as a birthday present is next Saturday, and I’d like not to have work on Sunday.
Diego offers his sympathy. “I’m so sorry to hear about your dad. Of course you can take the days off and more if you need them. Do you need to go home now? I can cover for you for the next few days if you need it. I don’t have any meetings scheduled so I’ll be around. I’m actually leaving for Costa Rica next Monday and I’m going to need you to work pretty much that whole week while I’m gone.”
“Thanks for the offer but there isn’t much I can do for him right now, and working helps take my mind off it a little. I’ll be available next week to cover for you as well.” We chat for a little longer. Diego tells me his trip is both business and pleasure, and lets me in on the secret that our company is looking to go international with a property in Costa Rica. He seems very excited about the possibility.
“You’d go back, wouldn’t you?” Diego never talks about his personal life so I have no idea what he left behind when he moved to the States to run this property.
“Sí. I love it here, but my heart is there. My family is there.”
“Well, we’d miss you here.” It’s true. I really enjoy working with Diego. Aside from the couple of times he’s skirted the professional/personal boundary line, he’s been great to work with. He’s brilliant at what he does, and he’s charming and friendly. He’s also not hard on the eyes.
He smiles warmly at me. “Well, it wouldn’t be tomorrow, so don’t worry. And please don’t mention it to anyone else. It’s a plan in the very beginning stages, and there’s no guarantee it will even happen.”
I stand up to leave. “I won’t mention it. Thanks for understanding about my dad. I appreciate the support.”
“Por supuesto, Alexa. Of course. That’s what friends are for.”
I think about Diego’s words as I walk back to my office. Julian seemed very concerned about my dad when I first told him, but he hasn’t even brought it up again or offered to be there for me. That makes me so sad. He’s always been so supportive of my emotional needs. I guess those days are gone. I sit down at my desk and call my mom. After she gives me the run down on how my dad is doing and all the information I need to know about tomorrow, she asks about the wedding. I don’t want her to worry about anything, so I lie and tell her I had a fantastic time.
“Oh, I knew you would, honey. I knew things would be great. Tell me all about it. Did Julian just love your dress?”
I’m about to respond when my phone beeps. I look at the caller ID and see it’s Jill calling. “Mom, can I call you back? Jill is on the other line.”
“Sure. But I need to warn you, Lex. Jill is mad at you. I told her about Dad last night and she asked if you knew and when I said you did, she was mad you hadn’t told her.”
Great. Another person mad at me, that’s what I need. “Did you tell her you just told me too?”
I don’t wait for her answer and click over.
“Hey Jill.”
“What the hell is wrong with you, Lexie? Why didn’t you call and tell me about Dad the minute you found out? I need to be there tomorrow and I have no notice, and need to make arrangements at work.” She goes on for a few minutes before I interrupt her.
“Take a deep breath and calm down. I just found out a day ago as well. I have tons of my own crap going on. I was going to call you today and if you can’t make it down, I’ll make sure to tell you everything that’s happening.”
She assures me she’s coming and will be here tonight because she a
nd Derek are getting on the road in an hour. Then she goes off about Tracy because she isn’t planning on coming.
“She has little kids and it’s harder for her to get away, Jill. Plus, it’s not supposed to be that big of a deal anyway. I mean it’s a big deal, but Dad says angioplasty is very common and he’ll only be in the hospital for a day or two.”
“Stop making excuses for her. When was the last time she was even here? She never calls and only cares about herself and her own little perfect family. I’ve tried to talk to her about what’s going on with me and she never has time.” Wow, Jill sounds mad. I hadn’t thought about it much, but she’s right, Tracy hasn’t been down in ages and we hardly speak. That’s just as much my fault as it is hers because I suck at keeping in touch, but we’ve never been that close so I don’t really share the same feelings Jill has right now. Now’s not the time to get into it though.
“And Lex, I have a bad feeling about this and I’m only telling you. I think Mom and Dad aren’t being honest about what’s wrong. I don’t know why, but I do.” I can hear the fear in her voice and I try and comfort her.
“I spent the night with them Friday night and I don’t think they’re hiding anything. Mom didn’t want to tell you because she didn’t want to worry you, and she didn’t tell me because I’m a mess. I’m worried too, but I really think he’ll be okay. So, take your time, and get down here safely. I’m going to be home tonight if you want to stop by. If not, I’ll let you have alone time with Mom and Dad and I’ll see you in the morning at the hospital.”
“Okay. We’ll most likely just go to the house, so I’ll see you in the morning.”
“The circumstances suck, but I’m happy I get to see you.”
Jill agrees and promises to let me know when she gets down here.
I’m lost in my own little world thinking about what’s going on with my dad when Lauren pops into my office to ask about the wedding. I tell her the whole story about my dad, and everything that happened with Alejandra, Serena, Mateo, and Julian without leaving much out. She’s so mad by the end of it. I’m glad Serena isn’t working today.
“That fucking little bitch is going to hear about this from me! I’ve tried and tried to be nice to her, but she’s incapable of acting like a mature adult. That story is almost unbelievable, except it sounds just like her shade of bitch.”
I can’t help but laugh a little. “Don’t say anything to her. It doesn’t matter. She doesn’t matter.”
“If you really don’t want me too, I won’t. But I want to.”
“I appreciate the support and I’d like to kick her ass myself, but I’ve got so much on my plate already. I don’t need any work drama too. This is the only thing in my life that’s going okay at the moment.”
That makes her laugh. “‘Okay’? Well you might not be kicking Serena’s ass in real life, but you’re kicking ass here and you know it. I was just looking at the sales board before I came in. Your name is all over it. If I wasn’t envious, I’d be happier for you.”
We chat until Evelyn buzzes through to tell us there are some customers in the lobby. We both walk out to find a group of people waiting. We each take a potential client into our offices and the day doesn’t slow down after that. Every time I finish with one, another customer walks in the door. Nobody seems really serious, so that part of the day isn’t fun, but at least it helps the time pass. Before I know it, the day is over and it’s time for me to go home.
I get in my car and plug my phone in so I can charge it. It’s the first time I’ve looked at it all day since I got off with Jill, and I’m surprised to see a text from Julian that came in around one.
Julian: What time is your dad’s surgery tomorrow?
Not hi, how are you? Sorry I was such a dick this morning.
Alexa: 8
I want to write more, but I don’t. I need to think about what’s going on with my parents and I don’t want to get into any big discussion with him right now.
Both Marissa and Shannon are home when I get there, and my plans for a run are squashed when they force me to tell them all about my dad and the wedding. They both offer to come with me to the hospital tomorrow and I’m touched. I assure them it’s not a big deal and that I’m going to be with my family so it’ll be fine. Then they both start in on Julian, Serena, and Alejandra.
“For what it’s worth, Lex, I’m proud of you for handling this the way you have been. You’re a runner and I know it’s a big deal to stay and try to work this out with him. He needs to at least talk to you about how he’s feeling.” Mari pats me on my leg.
“It’s hard and he keeps shutting me down at every turn. I can’t do or say anything right, and I’m over it to be honest. I truly get that he’s upset, and I don’t blame him, but he needs to talk to me so we can work through it. He keeps pushing me away, but then he pulls me back close. I don’t handle that well. I almost wish he would just tell me it’s over and to go away.”
“You two are so far from over and you know it. If he was going to end it he would have done it right away. He’s just processing things. Hang in there and give him some time. He’ll come around.”
I look at Shannon. “I hope you’re right, and I hope it happens soon. I can’t handle this much longer.”
Marissa agrees to go on a run with me, and we do about five miles in silence. I love that she knows I don’t want to talk. I’m glad she’s here with me, but Julian isn’t the only one who needs to process things. I also need some time to think.
Shannon ordered Chinese food while we were out, so after a quick shower, we all sit down and eat in front of the TV. I get a call from Jill letting me know she’s at my parents’, and I talk to my dad for a few minutes before he goes to bed. I can hear the worry in his voice that he’s trying to hide, and it unnerves me. Maybe Jill is right. Maybe there’s more to this than they’re telling us. I know it won’t help for him to worry about me being worried, so I act strong. I tell a joke and laugh, and tell him I’ll see him in the morning. He hands the phone to my mom and I ask if she thinks I need to come over.
“Alexa, your dad is going to be okay. Get some rest and we’ll see you in the morning.” I hear the worry in her voice too, and I know she’s also trying to be strong.
It’s not long before I excuse myself from Mari and Shannon to go to bed. I know I won’t be able to sleep, but I want to be alone for a bit. I look at the clock. It’s a little after ten. I honestly can’t believe Julian hasn’t called me or reached out today. He sent that one text, but other than that, he’s MIA. I’ve been trying hard not to think about what his absence means. This is a huge thing, and the fact he isn’t here to comfort me and offer support speaks volumes. I would never leave his side at a time like this, no matter how mad I was. I turn the TV on and channel surf, looking for something to watch that might help me take my mind off my dad and Julian.
In what can surely be seen as a sign, there’s a True Blood mini-marathon on, and of course I can’t stop watching. I naturally start to think about Luke, and then I go somewhere in my mind I definitely don’t need to be. I can’t help but think about all the times in my life Luke was there for me when I needed him. He held me throughout the darkest times following Brady’s death, and he’d be here for me right now if I picked up the phone and called him. That I know. He knows my dad well and they really liked each other. I contemplate calling him and letting him know what’s going on, but my common sense wins out quickly.
The longer I lie here, the angrier I get that Julian isn’t with me. I try to push away the anger by rationalizing his behavior. That doesn’t work and pretty soon I have myself all worked up. I turn the lights and the damn TV off and just lie in the dark, trying to calm myself down with some deep breathing exercises. I could just call him and talk to him about this. I could just tell him I need him. I pick up the phone, but before I dial his number I think about how he literally pushed me away several times today and refused to come over tonight. I can’t be rejected any more tonight
so I put the phone down. I want to turn it off all together, but I don’t in case my mom calls. When I last remember seeing the time, it’s about one-thirty.
“Lexie, it’s okay. You’re okay. Wake up!”
I hear a voice in the distance and I will my subconscious to follow it out of the nightmare I’m in the middle of. I slowly open my eyes and find Marissa kneeling next to my bed. I sit straight up. I shake my head slowly and look at the clock. It’s four-thirty in the morning. “I’m okay. It’s late. Go back to bed.”
“You were screaming. It scared the shit out of me. I thought the nightmares were gone?”
“They are. Or they were. I’m sorry I woke you up, but I’m okay. Honestly. Please go back to bed.” She doesn’t press further and tells me to come get her if I need anything.
My dream comes back to me quickly and vividly and a cold chill courses through my body. I was waiting for an ambulance for my dad. I was in front of Brady’s house and the paramedic was the same one who was there the day I found Brady. I’ll never forget his face. I was yelling at him to help my dad, but he took his time and played on his phone. My friends were in the dream, all of them, even Luke. They were sitting by the pool and when I yelled for them to help, they ignored me. I ran into the house, which was my parents’ house now, and found my mom getting dressed. I yelled at her that she needed to help me get help for my dad. She told me not to worry because nothing bad ever happens to her, and she had an appointment to get her hair done first.
I ran back outside and found my dad lying on the ground, gray, and barely breathing. I try to pick him up to put him in the ambulance, but I can’t because he’s too heavy. I look up and Julian is there just looking at me with the same blank, cold look he’s been giving me for a week. I start yelling at him and begging for his help to get my dad in the ambulance, but he says I don’t deserve anybody’s help and this is payback for how selfish I am. He told me to figure it out on my own,. and not bother him with things that didn’t matter to him because he’s done caring about me.