The Doctor Is In

by Ruth K. Westheimer

  Q: On the set of the play and in your remodel with Nate Berkus, photographs seemed to be everywhere. What kind of significance do you attach to these?

  Because of the Holocaust, I was left with only a few pictures of my parents instead of a whole treasure trove that would have served to remind me of happy times that we’d spent together. Their pictures are, of course, placed prominently in my apartment. Every time I look at them, I draw strength because they loved me so much, and so seeing them up on my wall sends me a message of love. The same is true of the pictures that I have of Fred, my children, and my grandchildren.

  Today people take a million pictures, but because the pictures are digital, there’s a good chance that they’re buried deep in a hard drive or up in the cloud where you can’t see them regularly. Even if you live with someone, there are days when maybe you’re not getting along, but if you catch a glimpse of a picture of the two of you in a happier moment, it will change your mood. So I urge you to print some of your digital pictures and put them around your house where they can be seen. (A digital frame can do the same thing.) The same is true of printed pictures that are sitting in a closed album, by the way. Put some of them in frames, or at least leave an album or two out on your coffee table. Pictures can do wonders for your mood but you have to be able to see them.

  I also have pictures of me from some special moments around my apartment. There’s one of me and President Clinton. This isn’t widely known, but without me, he might not have become president. OK, I’m exaggerating—but I did tell him to run when he was still only governor of Arkansas. What’s special about President Clinton is the way he looks at you. You really feel that he’s making a connection.

  That type of connection is becoming rarer and rarer. You’re with people, but they seem to spend as much time checking their messages on their phone as looking at you. If you want to live life to the utmost, it has to be with other people. The connections you make via a phone or computer just don’t satisfy the way real interpersonal connections do. We humans spent millions of years evolving into being social animals, and we need other people to be complete. All this tweeting, Facebooking, and the like is a weakened form of communication. Without eye contact, touching, hearing the sound of someone’s intonations, seeing the changes in their facial expressions, you lose so much of the message. To experience joie de vivre, you need a living, breathing person or people around you, not machines. And you have to concentrate on those around you and not let yourself be distracted by people connected to you only via some piece of electronic equipment.

  Now, if you don’t particularly like the people you’re with—assuming they’re not family so that you have no choice—and that’s why you’re constantly checking your smart phone, then find new people to be with. You can use your electronic gizmos to help you find those people, but once you’re together, put those gizmos away. And remember, if a relationship isn’t all that interesting, you may be partially to blame as well. How much are you investing in good conversation? Are you suggesting that you visit interesting places with your friends, or are you willing to just “hang”? Joie de vivre is not low-hanging fruit. You have to put some effort into experiencing joy and happiness. So if there is anything unsatisfying about your relationships, first see what avenues are open to making improvements. But if it turns out to be hopeless, then move on.

  Q: What are some of the tools you’ve used to cope with the devastating losses you faced as a child?

  I have five dollhouses in my living room, two of which are quite large. They’re filled with furniture and other accessories, and only I get to play with them. That’s right—when my grandchildren were little and wanted to play with Omi’s dollhouses the answer was no.

  As you already know, I lost all of my toys when I was ten. I had a friend of mine, Dr. Lou Lieberman, build me these dollhouses to order. To some extent, they’re to make up for the toys I lost, but they also offer me something else. When the Nazis destroyed my family, I lost control over my fate. I was put on a train heading who knows where and then was under the direction of the people who ran the orphanage, who weren’t very nice to us. When I play with my dollhouses, I am in full control. If I put a little figurine in one place, that’s where it has to stay. So for me, playing with these dollhouses is a form of therapy. If the furniture and dolls were moved around haphazardly, I would feel a loss of control that would make me feel very uncomfortable. These dollhouses represent a perfect world, which the real one is not. They are not toys that I am going to outgrow, but rather tools that I use to make myself feel better when I feel that life is a little out of control.

  So what tool or tools might you use that would have a similar effect? It could be something as simple as cooking. I’m not talking about merely preparing some food for dinner but planning out a meal that offers you some challenges so that when you’re done, you feel that you’ve accomplished something worthwhile and your spirits will be lifted.

  Exercise is another tool you could use. For exercise to be most profitable, you should be able to note progress. If you did twenty-five pushups yesterday, you should try to do twenty-six today. By giving yourself concrete goals—and meeting them—you’ll have a source of satisfaction that is under your control.

  The opposite side of this coin is the concept of vegging out. You’ve had a bad day, and so you sit down on the couch and watch TV. I’m not against watching TV when there’s a program you want to watch, but if you turn it on just to kill time, then that’s not going to really help you. Your brain is somewhat plastic and can be trained. By doing something active, you can forget your troubles. If you are inactive, then even if your troubles get pushed aside for a time, they’ll pop right back as soon as you turn off that TV.

  Reading, on the other hand, is a lot more active. When you read a descriptive passage, your brain has to imagine the scene and so your synapses are firing away. You are forced to concentrate so much more reading, which is active, than watching TV, which is passive. (OK, if you’re watching Jeopardy and trying to guess the answers, you get some added brownie points.)

  Again, bear in mind I’m not telling you to employ such methods once but every time the joy is getting sucked out of your life. Use these activities to help adjust your brain from negative to positive thinking. Joie de vivre doesn’t just jump into your lap like a puppy. You need to put some effort into being happier.

  Q: Do you really have hundreds of turtles?

  My living room is filled with turtles, and as I’ve said before, it’s because turtles have to stick their neck out to do anything. They have to take risks, and taking risks is part of embracing joie de vivre. There are good times to be had out there, but very often you have to go looking for them.

  Should you fill your house with turtles? It doesn’t matter what you use as a reminder to yourself; just having some symbols around can be useful. Let’s say that when you were young, you took a lot of dance lessons and wanted to be a ballerina. You really enjoyed all that dancing that you did. OK, so put some little faience ballerinas around your house to remind you of those days. And each time you see one, go up on your tiptoes and twirl around. Sound silly? Who cares, as long as this action triggers certain emotions that elevate your spirits. None of this has to take a lot of time, but whatever you choose should help to focus on uplifting thoughts that will give you a psychological boost.

  Many people have real pets, and it’s been shown that having a pet can be therapeutic. But don’t make the mistake of acting like a pet is an actual human being. Don’t allow a pet to become a crutch. If someone asks you to go to dinner and you say, “Sorry, I can’t, I have to go home to be with my pet,” then that’s a problem. I understand that your pet may need walking, feeding, and so on, but then plan ahead so that you have a neighbor who will handle such duties for you, for pay if necessary. If you’re the type of person who might use a pet as an excuse, I’d tell you not to have one. Now, an older person who is housebound could absolutely have use of a pet. I don
’t want you to think I’m anti-pets. I just want you to be conscious of not using a pet as a crutch that will keep you isolated. I’ll repeat myself: acquiring joie de vivre requires other humans, not animals.

  Q: Do you collect anything else besides dollhouses and turtles?

  Sigmund Freud kept a collection of ancient sculptures from Egyptian, Greek, and Roman times on his desk, and I have some replicas of those. Now, I’m not a Freudian, as I’m not a psychoanalyst but a behavioral therapist. But I admire Freud for changing the way we think about, well, thinking—what our thoughts and dreams mean. I like to say that we all stand on the shoulders of giants, those that came before us and made breakthroughs in whatever field we are in, and Freud is certainly one of the giants on whose shoulders I stand, even though I don’t share his discipline. What he changed was that he made it possible to improve a person’s mental state. Just having people believe that is possible makes it easier for me to get those who come to me with a sexual problem to heed my advice. If they believe I can help them, then it’s much more likely that I can. And if they come in to my office with a chip on their shoulder, then I probably will fail. So Freud helped people believe that getting help with mental fitness was possible. Thus he proved a great help to all those, like myself, who’ve followed in his footsteps. Who inspires you? And have you maximized the possibilities of their inspiration? It could be someone you know or knew personally, such as a parent, teacher, or other mentor, or else someone you’ve never met but admire greatly, like I do Freud. The point is, it’s very hard to create joy—or anything—from nothing. But if you have a foundation, then it becomes much easier.

  To make this easier to understand, let’s say you had a math teacher in high school who inspired you to work a little harder than your other teachers. It doesn’t matter whether or not you actually like math or use math much today. What does matter is that this teacher drew out the best in you, even if it was only a C rather than an F. Now let’s say there was an equation that you “fondly” remember from that class. Blow it up, put it in a frame, and draw inspiration from it. When you’re faced with a difficult situation, remember how you conquered that equation and how this teacher elicited from you the necessary effort. If you can go into difficult tasks with more enthusiasm and self-confidence, that will bring you joie de vivre. What kills the enjoyment of life is dread. If you are constantly running from this or that task that needs to be addressed, those negative emotions will suck the life out of everything else you do. But if you have the confidence that you will come through in the end—in part because of that mathematical equation that you didn’t let bring you down back in high school—then when you give a kiss to your spouse in the morning, you won’t do it halfheartedly, but with joie de vivre!

  If you’ve never thought along these lines, then maybe you think you don’t have anyone in your past like that, so my first homework assignment to you is to look back and see who influenced you and in which ways. I bet that after a little pondering, you’ll find several such important influences in your life. Then find ways to remind yourself of what they taught you so that you can use the light they shone on a regular basis.

  Q: I watched the episode of Nate Berkus when he redid your apartment. When he arrived, he kissed something on your door frame. What was it?

  A mezuzah, which contains some verses from a Jewish prayer, Shema Yisrael. Jews put it on the door frame to fulfill a mitzvah, a Biblical commandment. I have many religious symbols in my house, starting with the mezuzah as well as two menorahs (candleholders) in my living room. I feel that having religious objects around, whichever religion you practice, can help increase your joie de vivre. If you practice a religion and believe that God loves you, then any time you remind yourself of your faith, that can lift your spirits. I’m not here to push one religion—and I’m certainly not saying that if you are an agnostic or atheist that you can’t experience joie de vivre. However, I do put faith in the concept that religious belief can help you to get through the tough parts of the day. And so, if appropriate, you should use your religious beliefs to lighten your burdens.

  Religious belief also toughens you. Certainly we Jews have had to remain tough in order to hold on to our faith, which through history various peoples have tried to forcibly eliminate from the planet. So how does being tough add to joie de vivre? It’s simple. If you’re a wimp, then the least little setback will send you cowering to the corner, and you can’t cower and experience the joys of life at the same time. To fully enjoy what life has to offer, you have to take risks, and that includes the risks of standing up for your religion or your country or whatever it is you believe in.

  Q: How do you chase away negativity?

  I have only one item left from my childhood, a washrag embroidered with my initials. You might think I’d have it on display, but instead I keep it hidden. Even after all these years, the painful memories that washrag evokes are just too powerful. I expect my grandmother packed it, so it represents the last thing she ever did for me. I can look at a picture of her and make sure that I concentrate on all the positive images the photo evokes, but I just can’t seem to be able to do that with the washcloth. Seeing it brings me right back to that train ride from Frankfurt, which is the worst day in my life. I don’t need to be reminded of that day, either when I’m leaving to go out into the world or coming back from a day packed with activities. It’s always there in the back of my mind. For it to be front and center would quickly vacuum up all the joie de vivre I could muster.

  So I would say that you should do the same: put away anything that reminds you of negative times. If your first marriage ended in a bitter divorce, then even though that wedding day was wonderful, you might not want pictures of it around. Of course, your reaction to a specific trigger is going to be very personal. You might be the type of person who can look at such a wedding picture and get inspired by how much it meant to you to have both parents there. I’m not offering a hard-and-fast rule here except to say if there’s an object that always leaves you feeling down when you look at it, then don’t display it.

  By the way, this advice is actually what led me to get Nate Berkus to redo my apartment. As I said in chapter ten, I was asked to appear on his show to help out a young lady who was having trouble becoming aroused with a new boyfriend because the furniture reminded her of the old one; I told her to get rid of the furniture, no matter the cost. This example shows that I’m not just spouting some meaningless words when I say that objects can keep you from experiencing joy. This actually takes place all the time. And yet while the answer may seem obvious—get rid of such objects, or at least hide them—many people don’t heed this commonsense approach. They’ll find practical reasons to hold on to an object, such as in this case, the expense of buying new furniture that the young lady felt was stopping her. Another “reason” might be peer pressure: “You got rid of your furniture because it reminded you of Phil? What were you thinking?” If anyone says to you to do something that makes you uncomfortable, just turn away and don’t pay them any mind. Only you know how to maintain the optimum control over your emotional state, and if looking at anything that stirs painful memories is too painful, then don’t do it.

  Q: What do you think is the biggest danger to a relationship?

  Boredom. No one can feel joyful every day. There are days when something happens that just saps you of all positive feelings. It could be something major, like the death of someone close to you, and then it might take some time for that cloud to lift. It could also be something relatively minor—a nasty comment sent your way that takes a few hours to put aside. But there’s an insidious force out there that, while rather mild mannered, can keep you from experiencing joie de vivre on an everyday basis, and that’s boredom.

  Boredom is like a fog that clings to you and, though the effects are minor, keeps you from seeing all the ways there are to enjoy life. After a while you may begin to feel that boredom is a condition that is always with you. So rather than fight it, you g
ive in to it, accepting to live a life that lacks richness and energy.

  The first step to fighting boredom is to recognize it. One clue is that you’re always tired even though there’s no particular cause, like a baby who wakes you five times a night or financial worries that keep you from falling asleep. The reason that you are tired is that there’s nothing about your life that makes you excited. If you have nothing to look forward to, then a listless funk will surround you, and a nap becomes enticing because at least your dreams are somewhat entertaining.

  If you want to experience joie de vivre, you have to actively combat boredom. Now, boredom is pretty much a wimp and doesn’t usually put up much of a fight, unless you happen to live on a desert island or a cultural wasteland. Just because you don’t live near Broadway or Lincoln Center doesn’t mean there aren’t plenty of activities near you that will stimulate your intellect. A local theater company may have amateur actors, but the play or musical will be something that probably won an award when it first came out. If there’s no book club near you, start one. If there are children stuck for long periods of time in a nearby hospital, go read to them. Join a local political party and stir the pot. If you think a certain corner needs a traffic signal, collect signatures on a petition. You can even take courses at major colleges online for free. By investing in yourself in all these ways, you’ll find that the fog of boredom will lift and the bright light of joie de vivre will begin to light your life.

  But let’s say that you’re having problems getting out of a funk. Maybe your lack of joie de vivre isn’t a condition you can handle on your own. Maybe you need some professional guidance. Or if you’re what is called clinically depressed, some medication. If you suspect that this may be the case, then go get the help you need.