Deeper Illusions

by Jocoby, Annie

“Yeah, but Ryan can also read people extremely well. Or haven’t you figured that out by now?”

  “Of course. That’s one of the many reasons why I am so madly in love with him still.”

  “Anyhow, he believes she is telling the truth. And there never were any names forthcoming from Andrew about who was after you. That was pretty suspicious.”

  “Ok. So Andrew lied to get the job. You said he had me as a target. What did that mean?”

  “It means that Andrew wanted you, specifically. Not sure why. But he wanted to be your bodyguard, and we think that he intended to rape you all along.”

  My hand involuntarily flew to my mouth. “Why?”

  “We’re trying to figure that out. That’s the other thing that Ryan does with his time. He paints, he works, and he obsessively looks into Andrew’s background, trying to find out anything he can about him. He still wants revenge, he just doesn’t know how to go about it.”

  Dalilah was crying again, so I picked her up and bounced her. She sucked on her fingers, and I gave her a pacifier and one of her stuffed animals.

  “ Anyhow, Ryan’s theory, from what Nat tells me, is that Andrew’s mother is red-headed. Which she is. And he is angry with his mother for something, so he took it out on you. You know, the classic killing the mother over and over thing.”

  “Why does Ryan talk to Nat and not you?”

  “Because sometimes he gets in spurts where he starts talking. Nat says that the only thing he talks about is you. He is still trying to figure out why everything happened the way that it did. You really fucked him up.”

  I sighed. I had made some really poor decisions. Poor decisions that resulted in all of this. This is why Nick was here. He was the boulder that came crashing through the window, telling me that I had made a serious wrong turn in life. They say that, when you make bad decisions, the universe tries to tell you to make a U-Turn. At first, it’s a pebble thrown at you, as the universe gently tells you to get back on track. Then, if you don’t listen, the universe sends a boulder that you cannot ignore.

  Nick was my boulder.

  But what was my pebble?

  Dalilah. She was the pebble. The universe was telling me, by my being pregnant, that I had to stay with Ryan. I ignored it, went to San Francisco without telling him he had a daughter, and now here was Nick. It wasn’t a coincidence that he was in the same Starbucks as me. No, sir. He was the boulder that I needed. I was too stupid to see it on my own.

  Finally, the plane appeared on the runway. I got on, and strapped Dalilah in. Nick sat across from us.

  I was, at long last, going home.

  Chapter Forty-Seven

  Nick and I chatted a bit on the plane while I attended to Dalilah. She was, remarkably, doing fine with her very first plane ride. Probably better than her stupid mother. Madison was another story, of course. I could still hear her whimpering and mewling. I tried to talk to her soothingly, but, of course, that didn’t help.

  “So,” Nick was saying, once the plane was in the air. “If I didn’t happen to run into you, would you just have kept on running?”

  “I really don’t know. I haven’t exactly been myself for the past year or so. Before Rochelle, I doubt that I would’ve made such poor decisions about my life. It’s no excuse, of course, but I think that I’m still shell-shocked. Nat’s pregnancy was just the last straw.”

  “So the answer is probably yes.”

  “I don’t know. Would you believe me if I told you that I feel that the universe brought you to me to try to make me do the right thing?”

  “Yeah, I’d believe that. Although it sounds pretty New Agey to me.”

  “I guess what I’m saying is that running could never have been a long-term choice for me. Something, somewhere would’ve brought me back to Kansas City. It’s just that running into you is bringing me back before I’m ready.”

  “Sorry you’re not ready,” he said sarcastically, “but you made your bed.”

  “I know,” I said. “I know.”

  We didn’t talk much more. After a few hours, I looked out the window, as I started feeling the plane start to descend. I saw the familiar squares and itty-bitty cars below me, and extreme anxiety started to well up, until it became more like a panic. Ryan probably hates me, I thought. He will see what I did, taking his daughter and hiding her, and all his love for me will be gone. He wouldn’t be able to love a woman who would do such a thing.

  I started to do some deep breathing through my nose and mouth, trying to calm down. Nick was looking at me with his familiar smirk. I was quite sure that he was enjoying this spectacle of me feeling anxiety and panic. After all, I devastated his best friend. Nick had no compassion for me, nor should he.

  One of Nick’s cars was waiting for us at the airport hangar when we arrived. Like Ryan, Nick tended to drive only the best, and his car was a top of the line Mercedes CL-Class sedan. I was glad that he had a sedan there waiting for us, because, otherwise, I had no idea how Dalilah, Madison and I would be getting home.

  “So, should I give Ryan a warning that you’re coming home, or should I surprise him?” Nick asked, looking in his rear view mirror at Dalilah and me in the back seat.

  “Surprise him.”

  “Suit yourself.”

  My anxiety rose to a fever pitch as the car drew closer and closer to Ryan’s home.

  We finally reached the home, and I could hear yelling inside.

  “Well, you can take it from here,” Nick said, leaving me on the front porch. “I’m not getting into the middle of that.”

  “But you want me to,” I said, incredulously.

  “As I said, you made-“

  “My bed. I know, I know.”

  “See ya,” he said, his back turned as he was walking back to his car.

  I tentatively knocked, but nobody apparently heard me. After hearing a snippets of the fight, I knew why.

  Ryan was yelling “What do you want from me? I’m letting you live here, aren’t I?”

  Nat was yelling “I want us to be a family. Please, Ryan, please let’s be a family.”

  “No offense, Nat, but you aren’t my family. Christopher might be, although I doubt that, but you aren’t.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “It means that I don’t love you, and I never will. And Christopher doesn’t look much like me.”

  “Are you saying that you think that Christopher isn’t yours?”

  “That’s exactly what I’m saying.”

  “So why would I still be here?”

  “Nat, I don’t know. I’m too nice of a guy just to let you be out on the streets. I wish that you would just go back to your husband, but, since you’ve said that if I kick you out, you still won’t return to him, I don’t see what choice I have.”

  I remembered what Nick had said about Nate wanting Natalie back. And Nat being out on the streets? She’s an investment banker, for the love of god. I doubt that she ever would be on the streets. This whole scenario was starting to become ridiculous.

  “So, it’s her, isn’t it? She’s the reason why you can’t love me?”

  “Yes, and I’ve told you that 100,000 times. Yes. It’s her. It’s always going to be her. Only her. Accept that, or move out.”

  I looked at Dalilah, and wondered if he would feel the same about me once he found out what I had done.

  Then I heard Nat crying.

  I picked up Dalilah in her car seat, and Madison in her carrier, and prepared to find a way to leave the scene. I didn’t have car keys anymore, so taking my Volvo wouldn’t be possible. Anyways, it would be like stealing. I started to dial a cab, thinking that I didn’t need to be in the middle of that drama, and I would come back at a later time.

  However, right when I was about to call a cab, the door opened, and I was face to face with a shocked and startled Nat.

  Chapter Forty-Eight

  “Iris?” she said. “What are you doing here?” She looked shocked and more than a little be
fuddled. Her beautiful blue eyes were puffy and her face was streaked with tears, but she still would look right on the cover of a magazine.

  “What?” I heard Ryan inside. “Nat, who are you talking to?” Then he was immediately behind Natalie at the front door.

  I felt sheepish as I said “surprise!”

  Ryan looked even more shocked than Nat. He looked different than the last time I saw him. His hair was back to normal and he no longer had a beard and moustache, but he still looked pale, thin, and tired. Like Nick said, he was taking on a junkie appearance. This was no doubt how he looked in college.

  He still took my breath away.

  Then he looked at Dalilah. Then back at me. In those beautiful green eyes I saw befuddlement, anger, and pure love. He never could hide the love in his eyes, no matter how irritated he was with me.

  He stood there with his mouth open, and Nat stood there looking at me with an increasingly pissed-off expression. Her pissed-off expression became even moreso as she eyed the child that was so obviously Ryan’s. In her arms was apparently Christopher in his carrier. I looked at the child, and I saw what everybody else saw. Dark curly hair, blue eyes, dimpled chin. Mini Nate. Beautiful child, but I didn’t see Ryan in him at all.

  I tried to make light of the situation. “Well, is anybody gonna invite me in?”

  “You can’t be here,” Nat told me. “You don’t live here anymore.”

  “I know that. Hence my asking for an invitation as opposed to just barging on in.”

  Ryan pushed Natalie aside a little bit, then put his hand on my shoulder. “Come on in, Iris,” he said, giving Nat a look. “Of course, you’re welcome anytime.”

  I flinched at his calling me by my name instead of calling me “beautiful,” and his invitation also seemed just a bit cold. But what did I expect, showing up here with his four-month-old child after having gone off the grid for eight months? Not to mention the fact that I divorced him.

  I didn’t blame him for not rolling out the red carpet.

  I entered the spacious home which, just like Nick had said, had not a stick of real furniture in it. There were orange crates in a circle, but, other than that, there wasn’t anything in this home. Natalie came in as well, even though she was apparently leaving before. I immediately opened the carrier, and Madison dashed out and ran into another room.

  Ryan was in the kitchen. “Well, this is quite a surprise. I’m embarrassed that I don’t have a place for you to sit. I probably should make you something to eat, but there really isn’t much here.”

  “I haven’t gone to the store this week,” Nat said. “And Ryan never goes to the store.”

  “Don’t start,” Ryan said.

  “Well, it’s true. You never go to the store. You never cook. I don’t understand that at all, because you were always an amazing cook in college.”

  I was a little taken aback by that. Ryan always had a full fridge of everything you could think of, and he loved going to the store. And one of the many things that made me fall head over heels for the guy was his cooking ability.

  Ryan looked sheepish as he brought out some cheese, crackers and hard salami. “I’m so sorry, Iris. Short notice.”

  “No, no. I’m sorry, I should’ve given you notice.”

  Nat said, “Allright, since nobody else is, I’m going to address the 800 lb gorilla. Who is that?” she said, pointing to Dalilah.

  “This is Dalilah,” I said, looking at Ryan. He now had his full attention turned on her, and I saw his eyes go from angry and befuddled, to love and adoration. “Dalilah is my daughter.”

  Ryan looked at me quizzically. “You’re daughter?”

  I looked back at him. “Our daughter. I wasn’t sure until she was born, but, as you can see, she’s definitely yours.”

  Nat now had a look on her face that clearly said “Oh, crap.”

  Ryan motioned to her. “Can I hold her?”

  “Of course,” I said. I watched him as he picked her up gently, then looked at her with wonder. It was like he was a cartoon figure who started out with a white face, then gradually took on more and more color. His cheeks were becoming more flushed, and his eyes were becoming brighter.

  He was coming back to life before my eyes.

  He just held her without saying a word. He put his finger on her nose, and gently rubbed her bald head. He brought her close to his face, and I saw him inhale a little bit, then close his eyes. For her part, she reached for him and put her hand on his nose as she gurgled and cooed.

  Meanwhile, Nat was standing aside, glaring at me with an expression that clearly said you bitch.

  “That’s enough of that,” Nat snapped. “Iris just said that she’s not sure that this kid is yours. So, you better not get too attached.”

  Ryan just laughed. “Look at her, Nat. She looks just like Mia. No, Nat, I’ve no doubt who she belongs to. Now Christopher is another story.”

  “Well, even so,” Nat said, “I’m quite sure that Iris isn’t welcome here in this house anymore. Aren’t you even going to ask her what the hell happened to her? Aren’t you even going to confront her on where she has been, and why she hid that child from you?”

  Then Ryan looked at me. And the hurt in his eyes was renewed. “Good point, Nat. Iris, what did happen to you?”

  Oh, where to begin?

  Chapter Forty-Nine

  “Where do I begin?” I said to Ryan.

  “You can start by telling me how you have a baby here, when you clearly said when you divorced me that you were not pregnant.”

  “I was pregnant, of course, at the time.”

  “Did you know it at the time?”

  “Yes,” I said, quietly.

  “So, you committed fraud.”

  “Yes,” I said, glancing at Nat. She was looking happier and happier by the second.

  “Why?”

  “I wasn’t in my right mind. That’s all I could figure. I was afraid that the baby wasn’t yours.”

  It was then that Nat got into the act. “What? You mean, you were cheating on Ryan? Ryan, are you just going to sit there and take that?”

  Ryan shot Nat a look that said drop it. Then he turned to me. “I understand.”

  “Ryan, what do you mean you understand?” Natalie whined. “You dropped Alexis like a bad habit for cheating, why-“

  “Nat, if you don’t be quiet, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” Then he turned to me. “Go on.”

  “I thought that the baby wasn’t yours, and I was scared. And betrayed. So betrayed. You ripped out my soul, Ryan, you and Nat. Absolutely ripped it out. I mean, I was attacked by Rochelle, then raped, then was on drugs, then found out about Nat in such a short period of time. I plead temporary insanity.”

  I looked at Nat, who now had a look of understanding on her face. “Raped? Oh, Iris, I’m so sorry.” She was, once again, sweet Nat.

  “Yes, Nat, I was raped.”

  “By the bodyguard that I forced her to have,” Ryan said quietly to Nat.

  She just looked at me with a bit of shocked look on her face, then looked at Ryan. “Why did you force her to get a bodyguard?”

  “Because I thought that Rochelle was going to be coming after her. I was going to be gone in Tokyo, and I wanted to be sure that she was safe.”

  “Ironic, huh?” I said to Nat.

  Ryan turned to me. “Go on with your story beaut, uh, Iris,” he said.

  “What is there to tell? I didn’t tell you about the baby, then ended up living in San Francisco with a lesbian I met while working at Whole Foods. That wasn’t a long-term plan, I know, but it was all I could come up with at the moment.”

  Nat was incredulous. “You’re a lawyer. Why would you be working at Whole Foods?”

  “I wanted something low pressure and kinda fun. Law work is the diametrical opposite of those two qualities. Anyhow, I had trouble making ends meet, but I managed.”

  “I know that you haven’t touched the money I gave you,” Ryan said.
r />   “True.”

  “So, what brought you back?” Ryan asked.

  I hesitated for a moment, then said “Nick. He ran into me at Starbucks. I was in there before work. It’s in our neighborhood, so I was taking Dalilah here out for a walk, and stopped in there to get a cup of coffee. Then he comes through the door, as big as you please. He informed me, in no uncertain terms, that I had to come home,” I said, seeing Ryan’s face become pale once more. He no doubt surmised that I was only here because I was forced, not because I wanted to come home. At least, that was what his face was telling me. “So, I felt bad about leaving Lena high and dry. I gave her $10,000 to tide her over until she could find another place and good day care.”

  Nat’s face was showing relief and happiness at my words. She no doubt recognized the subtext of what I was saying – I was only home because Nick forced me, and I had no intention of returning to a marriage with Ryan.

  “Ok, so, Iris, you’re here to let Ryan know about Dalilah, and fix your divorce, right? I mean, Ryan is entitled to joint custody, of course, and I don’t mind helping him raise little Dalilah. She’s the same age as little Christopher. You know what they say, it’s just as easy to raise two as one,” Natalie said in a rambling fashion.

  Ryan was staring at me with those penetrating eyes. The depths in them were scary. I could read them so very well. They were saying that he wanted me back, and that he hoped that I didn’t just come home because Nick forced me to make good on what I had done with our child.

  I started to waver. Then I took a deep breath and said “No, Nat, actually I wanted to come home to see if there was any way possible for Ryan and I to find our way back to one another.” Then I looked at Ryan, whose color was, once again, flooding back to his face. Addressing him, I said “I hope that there isn’t too much damage here. You’re the love of my life.”

  At that he smiled, big. Nat gave me the look of death. “Iris, you can’t do this. You can’t just come in here after all this time and just snap your fingers and expect everything to be ok. You fucked him over, or did you forget that? Ryan is with me now, we have a child together, and you can’t do this. And what were you going to do if Nick didn’t drag you back here? You still would be out there, living your life, hiding Ryan’s child from him…”