Complete Works of F Marion Crawford

by F. Marion Crawford

  “You are a woman, and you have humanity’s right to be free. It is an honourable right. You gave it up when you took that veil, not knowing what it was that you gave up. You have done no wrong. You have done nothing that any loving maiden need be ashamed of. I kissed you, for you could not help yourself. That is the monstrous crime which you say is to be punished with eternal damnation. It is monstrous that you should think so. It is blasphemy to say that God made woman to lead a life of suffering and daily misery, chained to a cross which it is agony to look at, and shame to break from.”

  “Go — leave me. You are tempting me again.” She spoke away from him, not changing her position.

  “If truth is temptation, I am tempting you, for I am showing you the truth. The truth is this. When you were almost a child they began to bend you and break you in the way they meant you to grow. You bent, but you were not broken. Your nature is too strong. There is a life of your own in you. It was against your will, and when you were just grown up, they buried you, your beauty, your youth, your fresh young heart, your voice and your genius — for it is nothing less. It was all done with deliberate intention for the glory of your family, blasphemously asserted to be the glory of God. It was pressed upon you, before you knew what you were doing, and made pleasant to you before you knew what it all meant. Your cross was cushioned for you and your crown of thorns was gilded. They made the seat under the canopy seem a seat in heaven. They even made you believe that the management of two or three score suffering women was government and power. It seemed a great thing to be abbess, did it not?”

  Maria Addolorata bent her veiled head slowly twice or three times, in a heavy-hearted way.

  “They made you believe all that,” continued Dalrymple, with cold earnestness, “and much more besides — a great deal of which I know little, I suppose — the life to come, and saintship, and the glories of heaven. You have found out what it is all worth. We have found it out together. And they frightened you with hell. Do you know what hell is? A life without love, when one knows what love can mean. I am not eloquent; I wish I were. But I am plain, and I can tell you the truth.”

  “It is not the truth,” answered the nun, slowly. “You tell me it is, to tempt me. I cannot drive you away by force. Will you not go? I cannot cry out for help — it would ruin me and you. Will you not leave me? But for God’s grace, I am at your mercy, and there is little grace for me, a sinner.”

  “No, I will not go away,” said Dalrymple, and it seemed to Maria that his voice was the voice of her fate.

  “Then God have mercy!” she cried, in a low tone, and as her head sank forward, it was her forehead that rested in her right hand, instead of her chin.

  “Love is more merciful than God,” he answered.

  There was a sudden softness in his voice which she had never heard, not even yesterday. Rising, he stole near to her, and standing, bent down and leaned upon the table by her side and spoke close to her ear. But he did not touch her. She could feel his breath through her veil when he spoke again. It was vital and fierce, and softly hot, like the breathing of a powerful wild beast.

  “You are my God,” he said. “I worship you, and adore you. But I must have you for mine always. I would rather kill you, and have no God, than lose you alive. Come with me. You are free. You can get through the garden at night — with good horses we can reach the sea to-morrow. There is an English ship of war at anchor in Civita Vecchia. The officers are my friends. Before to-morrow night we can be safe — married — happy. No one will know — no one will follow us. Maria — come — come — come!”

  His voice sank to a vibrating whisper as he repeated the word again and again, closer and closer to her ear. Her hands had dropped from her forehead and lay upon the table. With bent head she listened.

  “Come, my darling,” he continued, fast and low. “I have a beautiful home, my father’s home, my mother’s — your laws and vows are nothing to them. You shall be honoured, loved — ah, dear! adored, worshipped — you do not know what we will do for you, to fill your life with sweet things. All your life, Maria, from to-morrow. Instead of pain and penance and everlasting suffering and weariness, you shall have all that the world holds of love and peace and flowers. And you shall sing your whole heart out when you will, and have music to play with from year’s beginning to year’s end and year’s end again. Sweet, let me tell you how I love you — how you are alive in every drop of my blood, beating through me like living fire, through heart and soul and head and hand—”

  With a quick movement she pressed her palms against her veil upon her ears to shut out the sound of his words. She rocked herself a little, as though the pain were almost greater than she could bear. But his hands moved too, stealthily, strongly, as a tiger’s velvet feet, with a vibration all through them, to the very ends of his fingers. For he was in earnest. And the arm went softly round her, and closed gently upon her as her figure swayed in her chair; and the other sought hers, and found it cold as ice and trembling, and not strong to stop her hearing. And again she listened.

  Wild and incoherent words fell from his lips, hot and low, with no reason in them but the overwhelming reason of love itself. For he was not an eloquent man, and now he took no thought of what he said. He was far too natural to be eloquent, and far too deeply stirred to care for the shape his love took in speech. There was in his words the strong rush of out-bursting truth which even the worst passion has when it is real to the roots. Words terrible and gentle, blasphemous and devout, wove themselves into a new language such as Maria Addolorata had never heard, nor dared to think of hearing. But he dared everything, to tell her, to hold her, against God and devil, heaven and earth, and all mankind. And he promised all he had, and all that was not his to promise nor to give, rending her beliefs to shreds, trampling on the broken fragments of all she had worshipped, tearing her chains link from link and scattering them like straw down the storm of passionate contempt. And then, again, pouring out love, and more love, and love again, as a stream of liquid fire let loose to flood all it meets with dazzling destruction and hot death.

  It is not every woman that knows what it is to be so loved and to listen to such words, so spoken. Those who have heard and felt can understand, but not the rest. Gradually as he spoke, her veiled face was drawn toward his; gradually her hand raised the thick veil and drew it back; and again a little, and the hand that had struggled long and silently against his, lay still at last, and the face that had appealed in vain to Heaven, hid itself against the heart of the strong man.

  “The Lord have mercy upon my sinful soul!” she softly prayed.

  “I love you!” whispered Dalrymple, folding her to him with both his arms, and pressing his lips to her head. “That is all the world holds. That is all the Heaven there is, and we have it for our own.”

  But presently she drew back from him, clinging to him with her hands as though to hold him, and yet separating from him and looking up into his face.

  “And to-morrow?” she said, with a despairing question in her tone.

  “We will go away to-night,” he answered, “and to-morrow will be ours, too, and all the to-morrows after that.”

  But she shook her head, and her hands loosened their hold upon his arms, still lingering on his sleeves.

  “And leave her to die?” she asked, with a quick glance at the abbess’s door.

  Then she looked at him, with something of sudden fear as she met his eyes again. And almost instantly she turned from him, and threw herself forward upon the table as she sat.

  “The sin, the deadly sin!” she moaned. “Oh, the horror of it all — the sin, the shame, the disgrace! That is the worst to bear — the shame! The undying shame of it!”

  Dalrymple’s brows bent themselves in a heavy frown, for he was in no temper to be thwarted, desperate as the risk might be. For himself, he knew that he was setting his life on the chances, if she consented, and that life would not be worth having if she refused. He knew well enough that they must alm
ost certainly be pursued, and that there would be little hesitation about shooting him or cutting his throat if they were caught and if he resisted, as he knew that he should. He had been in love with her for days. The last twenty-four hours had made him desperate. And a desperate man is not to be played with, more especially if he chance to have any Highland blood in his veins.

  “What do you believe in most?” he asked suddenly and almost brutally.

  She turned, startled, and looked him in the face.

  “Because, if you believe in God, as I suppose you do, I take God to witness that I shall be a dead man this night, unless you promise to go with me.”

  She stared, and turned white to the lips, as he had never seen her turn pale before. She leaned forward, gazing into his eyes and breathing hard.

  “You do not mean that,” she said, as though trying hard to convince herself.

  “I mean it,” he answered slowly, pale himself, and knowing what he said.

  She leaned nearer to him and took his arms with her hands, for she could not speak. The terrible question was in his eyes.

  “You would kill yourself, if I refused — if I would not go with you?” Still she could not believe him.

  “Yes,” he answered.

  Once more the room was very still, as the two looked into one another’s eyes. But Maria Addolorata said nothing. The frown deepened on Dalrymple’s face, and his strong mouth was drawn, as a man draws in his lips at the moment of meeting death.

  “Good-bye,” he said, gently loosening himself from her hold.

  Her hands dropped and she turned half round, following him as he went towards the door. His hand was almost on the latch. He did not turn. But as he heard her swift feet behind him, he bent his head a little. Her arms went round his throat, reaching up to his great height.

  “No! No!” she cried, drawing his head down to her.

  But he took her by the wrists and held her away from him at his arms’ length.

  “Are you in earnest?” he asked fiercely. “If you play with me any more, you shall die, too.”

  “But not to-day!” she answered imploringly. “Not to-night! Give me time — a day — a little while—”

  “To lose you? No. I have been near losing you. I know what it means. Make up your mind. Yes, or no.”

  “To-night? But how? There is not time — these clothes I wear—”

  She turned her head distractedly to one side and the other as she spoke, while he held her wrists. Dalrymple saw that there was reason in the objections she made. So dangerous a flight could not be undertaken without some preparation. He loosed her hands and began to pace the room, concentrating his mind upon the details. She watched him in silence, leaning against the back of the easy-chair. Then he stopped just before her.

  “My cloak would come down to your feet,” he said, measuring her height with his eyes. “I have a plaid which would cover your head. Once on horseback, no one would notice anything. Can you ride?”

  “No. I never learned.”

  “That is unlucky. But we can manage it. The main thing would be to get a long start if possible — that you should not be missed — to get away just at the beginning of the longest time during which the nuns would not expect to see you. Where is your own room? Is it near this?”

  Maria Addolorata told him, and explained the position of the balcony with the steps leading down into the garden. He asked her who kept the key of the postern. It was in the possession of the gardener, who took it away with him at night, but the lock was on the inside, and uncovered, as old Italian locks are. By raising the curved spring one could push back the bolt. There was a handle on the latter, for that purpose. There would be no difficulty about getting out, nor about letting Dalrymple in, provided that the night were dark.

  “The moon is almost full,” said Dalrymple, thoughtfully, and he began to walk up and down again. “Never mind. It must be to-morrow night. In your dark dress, when the sisters are asleep, if you keep in the shadow along the wall, there is not the slightest risk. I will be waiting for you on the other side of the gate with my cloak and plaid. I will have the horses ready, a little higher up. There is a good mule path which goes down into the valley on that side. You have only to reach the gate and let yourself out. It is very easy. Tell me at what time to be waiting.”

  Maria leaned heavily upon the chair, with bent head.

  “I cannot do it — oh, I cannot!” she said despairingly. “The shame of it! To be the talk of Rome — the scandal of the day — a disgrace to my father and mother!”

  Dalrymple frowned, and biting his lip, he struck his clenched fist softly with the palm of his hand, making a few quick steps backward and forward. He stopped suddenly and looked at her with dangerous eyes.

  “I have told you,” he said. “I will not repeat it. You must choose.”

  “Oh, you cannot be in earnest—”

  “You shall see. It is plain enough,” he added, with an accent of scorn. “You are more afraid of a little talk and gossip in Rome, than of being told to-morrow morning that I died in the night. That is Italian courage, I suppose.”

  She hung her head for a moment. Then, as she heard his footsteps, she threw her veil back and saw that he was going towards the door without a word.

  “You are cruel,” she said, half catching her breath. “You know that you make me suffer — that I cannot live without you.”

  “I shall certainly not live without you,” he answered. “I mean to have you at any price, or I will die in the attempt to get you.”

  The words have a melodramatic look on paper. But he spoke them not only with his lips, but with his whole self. They were not out of keeping with his nature. There is no more desperate blood in the world’s veins than that of the Celt when he is driven to bay or exasperated by passion. In him the reckless fatalism of the Asiatic is blended with the cool daring of the northerner.

  Maria Addolorata had little experience of the world or of men, but she had the hereditary instincts of her sex, and as she looked at Dalrymple she recognized in him the man who would do what he said, or forfeit his life in trying to do it. There is no mistaking the truth about such men, at such moments.

  “I believe you would,” she said, and she felt pride in saying it.

  Her own life was in the balance. She bent her head again. Her temples were throbbing, and it was hard to think at all connectedly.

  “I want your answer,” he said, still standing near the door. “Yes or no — for to-morrow night?”

  “I cannot live without you,” she answered slowly, and still looking down. “I must go.”

  But she did not meet his eyes, for she knew that she was wavering still, and almost as uncertain as before. All at once Dalrymple’s manner changed. He came quietly to her side and took one of her hands, which hung idly over the back of the chair, in both of his.

  “You must be in earnest, as I am, my dear,” he said, very calmly and gently. “You must not play with a man’s life and heart, as though they were worth nothing but play. You called me cruel, dear, a moment ago. But you are more cruel than I, for I do not hesitate.”

  “I must go,” she repeated, still avoiding his look. “Yes, I must go. I should die without you.”

  “But to-morrow when I come, you will hesitate again,” he said, still speaking very quietly. “I must be sure. You must give me some promise, something more than you have given me yet.”

  She looked up with startled eyes.

  “You do not believe me?” she asked. “What shall I do? I — I promise! You yourself have never said that you promised.”

  “Does it need that?” He pressed the hand he held, with softly increasing strength, between his palms.

  “No,” she answered, looking at him. “I can see it. You will do what you say. I have promised, too.”

  He gazed incredulously into her face.

  “Do you doubt me?” she asked.

  “Have I not reason to doubt? You change your mind easily. I do not blame
you. But how am I to believe?”

  She grew impatient of his unbelief. Yet as he pressed her hand, the power he had over her increased with every second.

  “But I will, I will!” she cried, in a low voice. “And still you doubt — I see it in your eyes. Have I not promised? What more can I do?”

  “I do not know,” he answered. “But you must make me believe you.” The strength of his eyes seemed to be forcing something from her.

  “I say it — I promise it — I swear it! Do I not love you? Am I not giving my soul for you? Have I not given it already? What more can I do or say?”

  “I do not know,” he answered a second time, holding her with his eyes. “I must believe you before I go.”

  He spoke honestly and earnestly, not meaning to exasperate her, searching in her look for what was unmistakably in his own. His hands shook, not weakly, as they held hers. His piercing eyes seemed to see through and through her. She trembled all over, and the colour rose to her face, more in despair of convincing him than in a blush of shame.

  “Believe me!” she said, imperiously, and her eyelids contracted with the effort of her will.

  But he said nothing. She felt that he was immeasurably stronger than she. But just then, he was not more desperate. There was a short, intense silence. Her face grew pale and was set with the fatal look she sometimes had.

  “I pledge you with my blood!” she said suddenly.

  Her eyes did not waver from his, but she wrenched her right hand from him, and before he could take it again, her even teeth had met in the flesh. The bright scarlet drops rose high and broke, and trickled in vivid stripes across her hand as she held it before his face. Her own was very white, but without a trace of pain. Something in the fierce action appealed strongly to the fiery Celtic nature of the man. His features relaxed instantly.

  “I believe you,” he said, and she knew it as his arms went round her; and the pain of the wound made his kisses sweeter.