Conflicted (The Existing Series Book 2)

by Guilliams,A. M.

  “Have you ever felt something so deep in your bones, Dad, that you knew it was coming? Knew it was going to happen without the person telling you?” I asked, not even caring if I made any sense.

  “Yes, but that doesn’t explain what the hell you’re talking about. Where did Mackenzie go?”

  “Do you believe that we can dream something so deeply that it feels as if it actually happened?” I asked, ignoring his line of questioning yet again.

  “Yes, I do. Now tell me what the hell is going on, Weston,” he demanded.

  “I woke up this morning with the strangest feeling. Like I knew something was off even though I hadn’t suspected it until now. I had pondered over it before she woke up, and I had no choice but to ask her. She didn’t deny what I felt I already knew, and I told her I wanted her gone. You see, Dad, I dreamed she wanted to leave. Only in said dream, she was gone, and I moved on without her. Me and Grace both did. It felt so real that I didn’t understand how I woke up in this apartment. How she was even still around. It’s hard to explain, but I had to go with my gut, and my gut said to make her leave before she could up and leave us without an explanation. I don’t care if there’s someone else. I don’t care about her reasoning at all. The only thing I care about is having custody of my daughter legally so she can’t take her away from me. Everything else is semantics,” I explained all in one breath for fear that if I didn’t just spit it all out at once that I wouldn’t let it come out at all.

  I waited and waited but all I could hear was my dad’s breathing on the other end of the phone. For once, the man was rendered speechless.

  “I just don’t know what to say. The father and grandfather in me wants to leave now and come get y’all, but I know you need to figure this out on your own. I’m not going to pester you with more questions because I know you will explain everything in your own time. Just know that me and your mother and brothers are here for whatever you need, son,” he reassured me, and it warmed my heart. Knowing that he’d have my back no matter what.

  “Give me a couple of days to get it all figured out and I’ll let you know what I decide. Whatever that may be, it’ll be what’s best for Grace.”

  We ended the call with my promise to call the moment I made a decision. Only we both knew that I’d call after I stewed over the decision for a few hours.

  Now that that was all taken care of, I needed to figure out if I was crazy. Needed an explanation how I could’ve just dreamed everything when it all felt so real. I needed a professional opinion. Needed a doctor’s advice. If I was going crazy, I wanted to get help so I could be there for my daughter. If I wasn’t, I wanted to know how I pictured everything so vividly, felt everything so clearly, for it to all disappear in an instant and remain in dreamland. I remembered the pain I felt, the tears Grace shed because Kenzie wasn’t here. I didn’t know if I could bear to experience it for the second time. Only time would tell how strong I truly was. Only this time I had a feeling I wouldn’t have a green-eyed beauty to get me through it. I’d have to drudge through the pain and hopelessness alone.

  Chapter 3

  I felt so out of place walking into the doctor’s office the next day. My reasoning for being here wasn’t at all rational. There was no mental disorder or depression to speak of. Just my brain playing tricks on me one crazy night. But it all felt so real. When I woke up, I knew I planned to go to her. But apparently, she was a figment of my imagination. One that I could see and feel so clearly even thinking about her right now. The emotions, the friendship, and now knowing I didn’t have that to fall back on made me feel like I’d lost something. Someone special. When I pictured her face in my mind and look back on the apparent dream, something about her feels familiar. Almost like we’d met before and my mind hadn’t caught on to that fact in the dream. Only the more that I thought about it, the more confused I became.

  After signing in and giving the lady behind the counter a half smile, I sat down in one of the seats to wait for my name to be called. From the moment I sat down in the chair I questioned everything I knew about. Wondered how she could walk away from our daughter. The little girl she loved so much. I knew she cared by the way she doted on her. For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out how she could leave her. Me, yeah. I completely got that. Over the years it got harder to hide my resentment for her and the fact that I followed her instead of being where I loved. Where I felt I was needed. Instead, I did what was expected. What everyone wanted. Everyone but me. And it backfired like I knew it would. It just took longer than I expected. I loathed hearing the sirens in the middle of the night when all I wanted to hear was crickets. When all I wanted to see were the stars shining bright in the night sky instead of the city lights. Lately, it was all we argued about. She wasn’t getting where she wanted in her career, and I hated where we lived. I wanted a house. Somewhere Grace could go in the backyard and run, but we hadn’t found one here. That was my fault. I didn’t want someplace in a suburb. I wanted country living. Country roads and fields. Ponds in the backyard. And we couldn’t get that here. So we argued about what neither of us were willing to change. I’d set her off, and my daughter would pay the price. Only she didn’t have to leave Grace. She could’ve just left me. Only she knew I’d fight her when she took our daughter. I wasn’t about to let her be without me. My feelings changed for her over the years, but I thought I’d hidden it well. I guess not.

  The more my thoughts ran rampant, the angrier I became. So much more so that when my name was called, I stalked across the room like a man on a mission. Like someone possessed. My fists clenched at my sides. My barely existent nails digging into my flesh so that I didn’t punch the nearest wall. The pain was welcomed because the second Mackenzie’s face flashed in my mind I wanted to scream, hurt something, make someone pay for the pain I knew Grace would feel one day.

  The lady led me into a room and shut the door behind us. The room looked like a typical shrink’s room. A couch on one side of the room, a chair in front of a cherry stained desk. Files covered the top, but from the stacks, I could tell the man I was about to meet was somewhat organized. I chose to sit in the chair because the couch just made me feel uncomfortable for some reason. I couldn’t get too comfortable here. I was only in this place for one reason. To make me feel less crazy. To understand how I could feel shafted when something wasn’t real.

  As soon as I sat down, my leg immediately bounced up and down on its own accord. I leaned down and rested my elbows on my knees and laid my head onto of my still clinched fist. My jaw clenched and unclenched with each passing second. I could feel the veins beginning to pop out on my face as my breathing accelerated. Each exhale sounded like an angry huff. The nurse’s voice broke my concentration, but only for a brief second. I hadn’t even bothered to speak to her. I wasn’t raised that way, but I feared the moment I spoke the anger would come flooding out, and she didn’t deserve that. I looked over at her and acknowledged her comment as I sat back in the chair. My leg never stopping its bounce.

  “The doctor will be right in with you,” the lady said, and she quickly turned and walked away. I guess my anger washed off me in waves because the look on her face showed her fear.

  I didn’t have time to get lost in my thoughts again because the door opened almost as soon as it closed, causing me to sit up straighter. Be more aware since I was about to sound like an insane person.

  “Good morning, Mr. Corbin. What brings you here today?” Dr. Harold asked as he sat down in his chair. I didn’t know anything about the man. The search engine popped his name up when I looked for psychiatrists in the area.

  “I’m scared to even say. It all sounds so crazy inside my head. I can only imagine how it’ll sound out loud to a stranger,” I laughed as I swiped my hand down the front of my face. The nerves started to grow rapidly because I’d expose myself once the secret was out.

  “Okay. That’s actually normal. How about we start with why you seem so angry today. My nurse said that it was pouring off of you
as you walked down the hall.”

  Well, he certainly was blunt. I’d give him that. Instead of pissing me off, though, I respected him for it. Felt more comfortable as I sat here staring at him.

  “My girlfriend, well now ex-girlfriend, just left me and my daughter without any explanation. Well except for she couldn’t do it anymore. Whatever the hell that meant,” I spit out trying to contain my rage, turning my head to look over at the couch so I could hide some of it.

  “She didn’t tell you why?” he questioned, tapping his pen on the desk. I thought it was odd he wasn’t writing. Only taking in the situation.

  “I didn’t give her the chance to exactly,” I admitted, knowing that I’d have to explain why and then he’d think I was crazy.

  “Can you elaborate on that?”

  I shifted uncomfortably in the chair before answering.

  “I had woken up that morning suddenly. Something in my dream made me feel like it was time for the day to start. Yet it wasn’t. Things weren’t what I thought they were. She was sleeping beside me, and I just knew I needed to ask her if she planned on leaving us. There weren’t any signs. Just the dream that I’d had. One that felt so real yet it wasn’t. I feel insane even saying this right now, but when I woke up, I thought I was back home. I figured she’d already left because, in the dream, she had. And I’d moved on. Became friends with an amazing woman. Moved back home where I’d wanted to be all along. Only I woke up and none of it was real. I don’t know exactly how that’s possible, but all of it felt so real. Even down to the smells and feelings within the entirety of the situation. I don’t understand how any of it never happened. I don’t understand how I woke up right where the dream started. In the dream, she’d left the day I woke up. And she’d planned to just walk away then. Whether it had been that actual day or the next, I’m not sure. Because it felt so real, I had to ask her. I couldn’t take pretending if she was going to leave anyway,” I confessed, not even sure if I talked in circles or if he would even comprehend any of it.

  I rested my elbows on my knees again and looked to the ground feeling defeated but better now that I’d gotten it all out. Only I just knew in my gut he wasn’t going to have an explanation.

  “You said you experienced things in the dream. Made friendships. Had the person you became friends with been in your life prior, in some chance meeting, or even in the background?”

  His question was odd. Only I’d been racking my brain trying to figure out that exact same thing. Something was so familiar about Magdalena, yet I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.

  “I can’t remember. That’s the problem. I thought something was familiar about her, but not while I was dreaming. Only after I’d woken up and figured out that it wasn’t a reality did I try to figure out where I would’ve met her. If she was just a figment of my imagination. I had to have ran into her somewhere. She can’t just be some fake person my mind conjured up. Or could she?” I looked to him for guidance, but he remained stoic, analyzing my demeanor and urgency to understand what I was experiencing. I pressed on. “Please elaborate, Doc. I’m dying to know how the hell I could dream something that detailed. That detailed that I felt like I’m missing something now that I’m awake. Hell, my daughter loved that woman in my dream. She’d become special to me. And now that I’m awake all I want to do is go back to sleep where my conscious can at least be where it wants to be.”

  He didn’t speak for a while and I was all out of words. All out of the will to continue expressing my emotions because it was getting me nowhere. He hadn’t even attempted to answer any of my questions. However, he knew exactly how to ask more of me. Demand more explanations that I didn’t understand myself. The more I spoke aloud, the more I felt like a damn mental patient who didn’t have a grasp on reality. All of this felt like an out of body experience. Like I was abducted by aliens and now I had to wrap my brain around what was and wasn’t real. Only I couldn’t tell which end was up.

  He hummed to himself, apparently lost in thought and then he chose what I felt like was an inopportune time to start jotting down my insanity. Frustration crept up inside of me because I was already here longer than I thought I’d be. I thought this would be easy. I’d get a professional opinion on whether I was nuts and be gone in about thirty minutes. Only we were closing in on an hour, and I had nothing. Just more ramblings within my own mind to try to decipher. Great, just great.

  The sound of the pen hitting the desk broke me out of the pity party within my head, and I looked up at the doctor who now had his hands clasped on top of his notebook. An impassive expression on his face.

  “What I’m about to say is by no means a diagnosis. It’s not my particular field of study, but I took an interest in the journals posted and what I read piqued my curiosity. Dreaming is part of our subconscious mind. We dream what we’re feeling, what we’ve experienced recently, what we fear, and so on. Dreams can feel as real as what you want them to feel. Intuitive dreams are part of your intuition coming into your subconscious. A sixth sense so to speak. I believe that subconsciously you felt something was off with your ex-girlfriend. Your mind somehow knew deep down what you weren’t ready to face. So instead of your gut giving you a feeling, your mind conjured up what you weren’t ready to face allowing you to face it head on without yet facing it if that makes sense,” he described, but it still felt crazy.

  “And the girl, Doc. Where does she come into play?”

  “I’m not sure. I’ve never heard of someone coming into a dream that you weren’t connected to or at least had some type of contact with. Again this isn’t really my field of study, but I’d be willing to bet that you’ve at least met her at some point.”

  I was done with this psychobabble. Apparently, my mind knew what I didn’t, and I couldn’t grasp how that was possible. I’d never even second guessed Mackenzie. Now that I’d gotten somewhat of an explanation, I needed to process it. To dissect it until I could focus on the future and where Grace and I were headed.

  “Thanks for your time, Doc. I don’t understand it, but I guess I’ll take it for what it’s worth. A crazy dream,” I stated as I stood and reached my hand out to shake his. We shook hands and he told me to come and see him if I needed to talk again as he gave me his card. I wouldn’t be back. There wasn’t a need. With a nod, I shoved my hands in my pocket, turned and walked away.

  I was on a mission to get the hell out of dodge, and I wasn’t paying attention as I walked through the lobby. My shoulder suddenly bumping someone brought me out of my concentrated state.

  Looking down, my brain went into shock. I thought I conjured her up and yet here she stood right before me.

  “Magdalena?” I questioned as she whispered my name. I was officially going nuts. If someone didn’t lock me up, I’d do it myself. Here she stood with a man I’d never seen, but as I took them both in I realized this had to be her husband. If any part of the dream was right, his name was Andrew.

  The questioning look in his eyes never wavered as he asked how we knew each other. Good question. One I’d like to know the answer to myself. Only I couldn’t remember that particular detail. My brain wouldn’t allow me to.

  She thought for a moment, and I noticed the exact second that she realized where we had first met.

  “He changed my tire the other day when I had a flat on the way home,” she revealed as she looked over to him.

  Without wanting to sound creeped out, I responded, “Yeah. Some coincidence we’re in the same place again, huh?”

  “Totally,” she responded as she quickly looked to me then back to him.

  I needed to get out of here. It was surreal seeing her just after I’d questioned her existence. She had to be here for the same reason as me, but I wasn’t even going to go there. I didn’t even know if she experienced the same thing as me. The craziness within my mind just wouldn’t relent.

  Reaching in my back pocket, I pulled out my card. One I’d probably be changing in the near future.

  �
�Well, if you ever need another tire change, just give me a call.” My hands shook as I held out my hand, and I hoped she didn’t notice.

  She said she would and then the same lady who led me to the doctor’s office called her name, giving me the out I needed to get away from this awkward situation.

  I told her I’d see her around and tipped my hat as I started to walk away.

  The walk to my truck was a blur as I tried to continue figuring out what had just occurred. As I sat down, I laid my head on the steering wheel to calm my thoughts. Getting everything out of my head for a short moment so I could focus on the drive back to the apartment. The one place I didn’t want to be anymore, only I needed to get my shit together before I made any rash decisions. Hopefully, my dad would have some words of wisdom when I got back because I was fresh out. Nothing I thought or did made any sense. Only when it came to Grace did I have any rational thoughts left. With this craziness off of my chest, I could figure out what happened next. Where our lives would lead us to.

  Chapter 4

  After getting back home, my dad didn’t have much to say. He left me to figure things out on my own, telling me to call him when I’d found a resolution. Hell, for the past week I’d been wracking my brain on what I needed to do. My day to day had changed because now it was all on me. Dressing, feeding, taking and picking up, bathing, and putting my sweet angel to sleep. All my responsibility. I realized just how much I’d taken Mackenzie for granted. Just how much she actually did. But I wouldn’t change this part of my life.

  We were adjusting.

  Well, I was.

  Grace wasn’t.

  The day I got back from the doctor, the only word she wanted to speak was Momma. The questioning look in her eyes killed me. How did you explain to a two-year-old that her mom wasn’t coming back? The answer was I couldn’t. Instead, I took the coward way out. Telling her every excuse under the sun about where her mom was. Only she would just ask again the next morning as soon as she woke up. I’d ran out of excuses and chose to change the subject on something she enjoyed doing. On where we were going. As long as I acted excited so did she. I was thankful that she ran with what I was doing instead of demanding an answer like she usually did. The nights were the worst. The way she sniffled and looked around for someone who wasn’t there. The way she’d watch the door until it was time to go to bed killed me even more. There’s no way she’d understand she wasn’t coming home. Not yet at least. And by the time she would be, her little mind wouldn’t remember her. Or at least I hoped she wouldn’t.