Pure

by Karen Krossing

  “I told Doctor Frank that I would do it.”

  We entered Redge’s room, leaving the guards behind.

  “Do what?” I kicked the door shut, enjoying the loud thump.

  “The procedure.” Two round circles of pink colored Redge’s cheeks. His lips curved into a smile that I rarely saw.

  “Really?”

  “He’s going to do it tomorrow. It’s all because of you.

  “Me?”

  “You said that if you were me, you’d let Doctor Frank try again. Remember?That’s what started me thinking.

  “Oh, well, I didn’t understand then.” Redge trying another procedure — that conversation had happened so long ago that I’d almost forgotten it.

  “But you did.”

  “No, I didn’t.” I snapped at him, then wished I hadn’t. “How could I? I used to think I was normal. Now I’m skidge. I only wish I knew who I was meant to be. What I was supposed to be like.”

  “Listen to yourself!” Redge said, his smile annoying now. “You haven’t suddenly been turned into skidge. You always were. The difference is that now you make people uncomfortable.”

  “Don’t remind me.” When I first noticed Redge’s wheelchair, I was repulsed. Now, others felt that way about me. Jonah did. I frowned, hating Redge’s words.

  “You’re the same as you were before. The only change is in them.” Redge motioned vaguely toward the hall. “They’re the ones who don’t get it. They believe whatever Purity tells them to believe.”

  “You sound like that guy Duke from the cafeteria,” I said, which wasn’t really a compliment. I had liked Rae, but Duke had been too wired.

  “Yeah? Maybe I do. Maybe some of his ideas make sense to me.”

  “I can’t make sense of anything right now.” I turned to leave. I didn’t want to bring Redge down when he was so excited, and I couldn’t share in his excitement. Doctor Frank knew enough to create Redge, but from what I’d seen he wasn’t much good at curing me, much less his own rash. “What time is your procedure?”

  “Ten.”

  “I’ll wish you luck at ten,” I said, trying to sound hopeful, like I believed Doctor Frank could actually heal.

  The walk back was too short and uneventful. Redge’s cheerful talk had made me feel more miserable, and I sulked down the hall, glowering at the medics and my guard along the way. I arrived back at my room just as Rae was coming out.

  “Rae! What are you doing here?” I asked, almost forgetting to mope.

  I didn’t want visitors who would treat me like a freak, but Rae was safe. She wouldn’t make me feel any worse.

  “Just dropping off some room service.” Rae grinned and headed back into my room.

  I followed, seeing a plastic glass of clear blue liquid on the table.

  “Glacier Juice!” Rae had brought me a drink? Why would she do that? It was an unexpected comfort, but enough to make me half-smile.

  Rae nodded. “I thought you’d appreciate a little company.”

  “Thanks.” I sighed noisily then shut the door, blocking the guard’s view of us, although I’m sure he was still listening.

  Rae picked up my slate. “Mind if I play a little music?”

  “Sure,” I said, wondering why she’d want to.

  Rae grinned at my bewildered expression. “Music’s a good distraction from your troubles.” She tapped the stylus on my slate until she’d selected a song. Soft classical violins began to play. “And it also makes eavesdropping more difficult.”

  I nodded. “I should have thought of that.”

  Rae shrugged. “Guess you were preoccupied. Now, have a drink. You did like it, didn’t you?”

  “Yeah, it was great.” We sat side-by-side on the edge of my bed, listening to the flutes answering the violins. “Do you want some?” I asked, raising the glass to her.

  “No, you go ahead. I can make one for myself any old time.”

  “I suppose you can,” I said, my voice falling. Most people were free to go wherever they wanted, to do whatever they wanted, except me.

  “Now, don’t get too down,” Rae said. “You’re not alone in this.”

  “I don’t know about that.” I snorted, then took a sip. The drink was the same cool explosion of sweet then sour. I took a long swallow then noticed Rae’s twisted hand in her lap. Funny how it didn’t seem strange to me anymore.

  “There are others in your same predicament right now,” Rae continued.

  “Other skidge besides Redge?” The idea sickened me — more people hiding out or being persecuted by Purity. “Where?” I hadn’t seen others on this floor. “Duke said that, but I wasn’t sure if I believed him.”

  “Well, some will be hiding,” Rae began slowly, thoughtfully, her voice softer than the music. “And there’s Jay and Vishna. You remember the folks that Duke was talking to that day we met?”

  He had been ranting, not talking. “The ones in the wheelchairs?”

  “Uh-huh. They’re both caught up in Purity’s net, too, staying here at the unit.”

  “Were they just discovered, too?” I took another sip, letting the icy juice glide down my throat. The chill spread through me, cooling my skin and stilling my ever-dizzy head. Rae’s drinks were better medicine than anything Doctor Frank could muster. Or maybe I just enjoyed her company.

  “No, they were staying over at Detention Block, but they’ve come here for some medical work. Jay’s a clone, made for parts, and he’s aging too rapidly. Vishna is being fitted for a new leg, since Purity didn’t like the look of hers.”

  “What are people thinking?” I exploded. I’d heard too many horror stories about skidge, and suddenly anger at Purity welled up in place of my despair. “How can they do this to other living beings? It’s terrible.”

  It seemed no one was ethical or kind anymore. Even Jonah had abandoned me when I needed him, betrayed me for a career with Purity. And for the first time, I began to hate Jonah for what he’d done. If that was how he played, then I was glad I’d found out about it now.

  Rae glanced furtively toward the hall then turned the music up. It had reached a crescendo of drums and violins.

  “There are people enough to give them a hand.” Rae continued. “And they don’t have to stay in Dawn. There’s always the Beyond.”

  I shuddered. “Send them to the Beyond! That’s worse than Purity.”

  Rae chuckled. “You’ve been listening to too much Purity propaganda. The Beyond isn’t so bad.”

  “Yeah?” I didn’t know whether to believe her. I’d only ever heard about misbegotten skidge attacking people, power outages that lasted for months, and other tales of chaos.

  “The Beyond has got some harsh folk, just like here, but mostly it’s full of people like you, struggling to make a life in this world.” Rae was drumming my stylus against her leg in time to the music. “I lived in the Beyond for over fifteen years. I only applied to come to Dawn to help out folks like you, Jay, and Vishna. Purity let me in, so I guess I serve some purpose. I just try to offer what comforts I can.” She pointed to my drink.

  Maybe it was the drink, or maybe it was Rae’s friendly face. Either way, it was easy to listen to the reassurances of this woman I barely knew, even though I was sure Rylant would try to make me miserable again, as soon as possible.

  I tipped my glass to Rae. “You make me feel like I can survive this whole experience, somehow.”

  “You can.” Rae nodded. “And you have more help than you realize.”

  not my father

  The next morning I was up early for a battery of tests. I lumbered back a few hours later, still groggy and resenting Doctor Frank and Rylant more than ever. They had been pumping different drugs into me to try to induce a theta state, but I’d only become bleary-eyed and disorientated, making their ridiculous dreams of healing even more impossible.

  No more tests, I vowed silently, grating my teeth as every step jarred my throbbing head. No matter what Rylant threatens.

  Back at my bur
gundy purgatory, I threw one last glare at my Purity guard and stumbled toward bed to sleep it off, only to find Leonard lying there. His large shoes, made from life wort plastic, had left winter mud on my blanket. One arm covered his face.

  “Dad?” The word flew from my lips before I could remind myself that he was no longer my father.

  He jumped then squinted at me.

  I wasn’t ready to see him. He’d caught me off guard. Well, he’d never have forgiveness from me.

  “Lenni!” He looked better than he had during the Purity interrogations, but not by much. He had more color in his cheeks and he had shaved. He sat up with a wobble, then came over to me. “Let me see you.”

  Holding me by the shoulders, he examined my face and ran his hands lightly up and down my arms, raising goosebumps. He stared curiously, just like Jonah had.

  I stiffened, hoping everyone wouldn’t examine me that way. Leonard wrapped his arms around me. He smelled like the outdoors, like refreshing rain.

  “I’m glad to hear you call me Dad.”

  I pulled free, took a few steps back, and folded my arms across my chest as a barrier. Desperate to lie down, I forced myself to resist any of his attempts to reconcile. This was no simple betrayal. Words couldn’t repair what he’d done.

  “What are you doing here, Leonard?” I kept my voice steady.

  “Leonard, huh?” He sighed and sat on the edge of my bed. “I can’t blame you for being angry.” He ran his fingers over his head. “But I’m here because I care about you. That must count for something.”

  I was silent. What he did, choosing who I would be, wasn’t his decision to make. He shouldn’t have interfered with who I was supposed to be.

  “Come on, Lenni. Maybe if you let me explain.”

  “I saw your interrogation. You don’t need to explain.”

  “They showed you that?” He sounded as if it were inappropriate viewing. Well, what did he think I’d been through?

  I nodded, and my head spun. I needed to sit down, but I wasn’t going to sit on the bed with him.

  Leonard wiped his eyes. He examined one shoe in detail.

  “I thought you were in Detention.” My voice was hard.

  “They released me. I’m heading the clean-up operation for lifewort.” His face brightened and he almost smiled. “GrowTech is about to become an agent for genetic purity. Ironic, isn’t it?”

  “You would work for them?” I couldn’t believe it. “Who?”

  “Purity.”

  “Why not? I’m thinking of creating plastic-eating bacteria to destroy the plants. Then I could redesign lifewort from the ground up. Or maybe a supervirus to attack and alter the plant’s DNA. Either way, I…”

  “You just don’t get it, do you? You don’t think you did anything wrong. You don’t even think you need to apologize.”

  “Apologize? For cleaning up lifewort?”

  “For making me skidge!”

  “No, Lenni.” He shook his head, obviously rattled. “You’re not skidge. You’re special, unique. We gave you everything — the best we could offer. And you can do things that no one else can. Even more than I expected. I heard you healed Elyle. That’s amazing! You should be proud of who you are.”

  I almost laughed out loud. “I think you’ve got it wrong. I’m not special and I’m not amazing. I’m skidge. A sub-human specimen. You can’t change that.” My voice was icy. He didn’t begin to understand how he’d hurt me. He thought that making me skidge was doing me a favor.

  “Don’t talk like that. We can get you through this. You have some health problems, but my people can do some tests and regulate your condition. We’ll talk to Purity and work this whole thing out. You’ll see.”

  “I’m not life weed, Leonard. I’m not some plant that you can clean up.”

  “Lifewort” Leonard corrected, his voice rising. “Why does everyone always call it lifeweed?” His shoulders slumped, and I regretted my mistake. I admired lifewort. Why had I said that? Just to hurt him. Or did I think of lifewort as a weed now? If it really was destroying ecosystems, I suppose it should be stopped.

  “I’m sorry. Lifewort,” I muttered.

  “It’s all right.” He sighed. “I deserved it. And lifewort has caused a mess. I guess I’ve made some mistakes. You must be furious with me.”

  The bed creaked as he stood. He went to the window and stared out.

  I took the chance to collapse onto my bed. Maybe he did understand. I rolled onto my side toward Leonard and tucked the pillow under my head, grateful for its support.

  Leonard didn’t speak for a long time. He just examined the cloud-covered sky as if it could give him answers. I thought he might leave. Then he said without turning around, “Hubert and his anti-genetics association filed against GrowTech. I’m not surprised. First, Purity finds out about you, then the lawsuit. But, your mother…” He wiped his eyes again. “She took the most precious thing from me — my daughter.”

  Poor Leonard. So he knew how Mother had used another man’s DNA instead of his. He was Mother’s victim, too. “When did you find out what Mother did?”

  “Purity had to tell me.” He turned, sighing so deeply that his chest shuddered. “It’s hard to imagine that your mother was once the sensitive girl I first met.”

  “Mother — a sensitive girl?” I couldn’t imagine that.

  “Of course she was sensitive. She was always worried about you — always working to prevent others from finding out.” He paused. “But know this, Lenni. You’re still my daughter. DNA patterns don’t build a relationship. I’ve put so much into you that you’re mine, no matter what the tests show. Here, look at this.”

  He pulled an image up on his slate then passed it to me. The title read “Projection of Hannix Child at Age 15.” It was an image of me. Of what I had been programmed to look like. It could have been taken last month.

  The picture slammed it home for me — Leonard and Mother had sat around considering what kind of child they wanted then made sure it happened. All thoughts of forgiveness vanished. He would never understand what he’d done — controlling me, molding me, constructing me. He was proud of it.

  I opened my mouth to tell him off when Elyle walked in. She looked from me to Leonard. The air was stretched tight between us.

  “Elyle!” I said, surprised to see her.

  “I’ll come back later.” Elyle turned to leave.

  “No, stay,” I said. If anything, the picture proved that it was too late to talk to Leonard. He would never understand.

  Elyle looked questioningly at Leonard. He nodded. She shut the door and leaned against it. It must have still been somewhat warm outside because she was wearing a light shirt and skirt. Her cheeks were pink and her eyes bright. I was glad to see her healthy, if a little tired. I still felt responsible for her.

  “I just stopped in to see Redge, but he wasn’t there,” Elyle said. “I wanted to give you two time to talk.”

  “Redge is in surgery. Doctor Frank is trying to fix his legs again.”

  “Really?” One of Elyle’s eyebrows rose into a peak.

  “Yes.”

  “Did you see what I left you?” Elyle pointed behind me.

  “What?”

  I twisted on the bed and saw a small cloth bag on the side table. The cloth had a red and blue paisley pattern.

  “What is it?” I sat up. My head had cleared slightly.

  “Open it later, once we’ve gone,” Elyle suggested.

  “Do I have to wait?”

  Elyle glanced at Leonard and shrugged. “It’s private, but it’s up to you.”

  Then I knew what it was: my water stone. I didn’t care if Leonard saw it. I wanted to open it now. I unknotted the tasseled cord that bound the bag. The waterstone was heavy in my hand.

  “It’s my waterstone! You got it back for me!” I’d keep it with me always now.

  The gray and white flecked stone was cool, soothing. I stroked it, admiring it from all angles, remembering how Elyl
e had promised it would protect me. Well, it hadn’t, but she had tried. And it was still beautiful and intriguing.

  “What is it?” Leonard peered at it.

  Even though Elyle had said the waterstone was private, I had to explain. “Elyle made it for me. It’s a waterstone.” I beamed at Elyle.

  “Oh.”

  I ran my fingers over the raised image of the woman — her head, shoulders, arms, and body. It reminded me of drawing, how Elyle and I had once both been artists. I longed to sketch again, to feel the pleasure of it. Looking at the waterstone gave me a yearning, an aching desire for the past.

  “What do you see?” Elyle asked.

  I moved my head from one side to another, examining it. “Well, before, I thought it was a woman reaching out for something.” I paused. “Now, I don’t. She’s pulling something toward herself, something that I can’t see.

  “Hmm, yes.” Elyle placed an arm over my shoulder and we gazed at the waterstone together. “Maybe.”

  “Thanks.” I stood to hug Elyle tightly. She smelled of lavender again, and I breathed it in deeply. After days and days of my world being slowly torn apart, Elyle had brought me a moment of happiness.

  “I crafted the stone to help you, Lenni,” Elyle began in her calm way, once we’d pulled apart. “I always hoped you wouldn’t need it — that Purity would never find out about you.” She stroked my hair. “I expected that you’d find out some day, but I’d hoped it wouldn’t be like this. I wanted so desperately to protect you from those who might seek to injure you, and to help you discover who you are, what you’re meant to do.”

  I looked intently at her. She spoke with such conviction, sure that the stone could do all that. I had needed protection over the last while. In fact, everything had gone horribly wrong just after I came to the unit, after my water stone had been taken from me. Maybe it did have power, just like my sketches had. Or maybe I just had to believe it had power so I could hope.

  “How are you, Lenni?” Elyle asked, softly.

  I sighed, and paced the room, ignoring Leonard. “I don’t know. They keep doing tests, and this fever never leaves me. I feel like it’s a punishment. I have to study, but I don’t care much about it. And I can’t even sketch because I’ve lost Mur.” I didn’t care if Leonard heard about Mur. I couldn’t pass up this chance to talk to Elyle. She was the only one who could understand. I held back a sob. “Oh, Elyle, I just wish it were a nightmare that would end, but it goes on and on.”