Blue Crush

by Barnard, Jules

  I glance at Cali, who’s scowling at her brother from the floor. “Cali, if I got into the psych program at University of Nevada, Reno, could I live with you? It might sound crazy, but I’m considering working part-time at the casino and taking classes in Reno.”

  Cali is no stranger to life changes. She officially turned down the prestigious law program and signed up for art classes while she works at Sallee Construction.

  She rolls onto her stomach and stands. “You thinking of bailing on Dawson because of your ex?”

  “No. He has nothing to do with it. I just want to move forward, you know? And I like it here.”

  “You’ll have to commute during winter, and Reno’s an hour away.” Cali walks into the kitchen and pulls sandwich-making items from the fridge, along with green olives. She loves green olives. They make me gag, but I’m interested to see what’s she’s going to do with them and the sandwich fixings. Eat them as a side?

  I rest my chin on my hand. “I hadn’t thought about that. You think there’ll be a lot of snow?”

  She spreads mayo on the bread and adds ham and lettuce, then cuts the olives into tiny slices and places them on top. I cringe. “Yep, but a lot of programs offer online courses. Maybe you can take them during the winter months.” She cuts her sandwich in half and takes a bite.

  “I’ll look into online stuff.” I watch her leerily. “Good?”

  She grins, knowing how much I hate her olives.

  Switching schools isn’t the easiest path to take at this point in the game, but easy and safe are overrated. I’m tired of easy. I want meaningful and happy.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  A quick Internet search shows that UNR does in fact offer online graduate courses. Not everything I’d need for a degree, but enough that I could take classes from home during winter and the rest in Reno over the warmer months.

  I call enrollment and explain my situation. They provide me with information for several professors. I’ll need one to sponsor me to gain acceptance into the program. Given most have already selected students to work on their projects, it might be a challenge.

  I leave messages with the professors and speak with all five the next day. Four out of the five can’t take on another student, but the fifth professor specializes in brain and cognitive science. He needs graduate assistants for a computer facial recognition study. I participated in something similar for an internship at Dawson. It was one of the most interesting projects I worked on as an undergrad.

  The professor says he’d be willing to take me on if my transcripts and test scores meet program requirements, but he doesn’t think it will be a problem given my undergraduate school. Everything is coming together and it feels like fate. If I could only get Blue to switch me from a temporary, full-time position to a permanent, part-time shift Drake didn’t work, everything would be perfect.

  I need to follow up on the sexual harassment claim. It’s been too long without word.

  I lie on my bed, excited about the graduate work I’m about to embark on and contemplating who to talk to about shift requests—when my mother walks into the bedroom.

  “Mom, what are you doing here?”

  She drops a large white snakeskin bag on the floor and kicks off green studded heels, then climbs on the bed. “Scoot over. I’m rooming with you for a few days until Fred returns from his trip. He’s meeting me for the mudder race.”

  She’s picking now to be an attentive mother? “Mom, you can’t just show up unexpected and sleep in my bed.”

  “Why not?” Her face hardens. “As much as you’d like to trade me in for a new mom, I’m the only one you’ve got and I love you more than anything in the world. You can’t just ignore me.”

  I leap off the bed. “You betrayed me!”

  “How? By trying to protect you? Too bad! Mothers make mistakes.” She lets out a breath and her voice softens. “I’m sorry, Gen. The moment Jeb asked to be a part of your life, I should have told you about him.”

  She crosses her legs like we’re two girlfriends having a chat. In some ways, she has acted like a sister more than a mother. But she’s right about one thing; I never doubted her love.

  I lie back down and stare at the ceiling. She moves near and cuddles in close, and I let her. “I spoke to Simone,” I say. “I don’t know what you went through when you had me, as I’ve managed to successfully use birth control—” I glare at her and she rolls her eyes. “—but I understand that not all decisions are easy to make and you did your best.”

  “Genevieve.” She grabs my hand and holds it between both of hers. “I dated a lot of men after your dad—not for money. Good grief, I can’t believe you thought that. Your father hurt me when he left and I wanted to forget him, even while I still loved him. Especially because I still loved him. I didn’t handle it well. I let my pain influence my choices. Jeb’s new wife is much calmer and that’s good.” She grins. “I had too much salsa for his taco.”

  “Gross, Mom.”

  “But you are the best part of us and I will always be grateful he gave me you. I’m sorry you’ve paid for my mistakes. I can’t say I’ll never make others, but I’ll never keep anything from you again.”

  She sits up, her expression cautious, but happy. “On that note, I know I’ve joked about Fred and I being married, but I’m sincere when I say we are getting married. After the mudder, in fact. It’s all set up and I want you to be by my side.”

  I raise my eyebrows. “You’re serious?”

  She nods. “For the first time in my life I’m in a healthy relationship with a man I love, who loves me in return. Fred can be across the room—just working on a New York Times crossword puzzle—and for some reason that makes me happy, having him there. Not because I’m lonely, but because he gives me peace. It’s the only way I can explain it. Romantic love is complicated, sometimes elusive, but I’ve found it with him. He’s a good man.”

  “I know.” She cocks an eyebrow. “I’ve known for a while. I like Fred and I’m happy you found a good guy.”

  She draws me close and hugs me. “I love you, honey. I’d like for us to be a family. Fred, Jeb, Simone, their daughter—”

  “It’s gonna get crowded in the house.”

  She leans back and frowns. “You know what I mean. I’d like to be a modern, functional family. Forgive my stupidity and selfishness, and give Jeb a chance.” She sighs. “He turned out to be a decent guy. His wife is wonderful. I’ve never met his daughter, but I’m sure she’s terrific too. I feel sick that you could have had a father these last few years and I prevented it. I thought it was the right thing …” My mom shakes her head. “You’ll learn one day, it’s not easy being a mother.” Her mouth twists. “There are a lot of difficult decisions and they don’t always come out right. It’s amazing you’re as well adjusted as you are.”

  “Are you complimenting me or yourself?”

  “You.” She swats my leg.

  I let out a frustrated sigh. “I can’t say I’m not angry or that I’ve fully forgiven you, because that will take time, but I know you love me. You tried to be a good parent and that’s more than a lot of people have.”

  I think of Mira.

  I’ve had it pretty damn easy, compared to some.

  Later in the evening, I give in. We’ve spoken every day, but it’s been almost a week since I’ve seen Lewis due to the mysterious family problem he won’t talk about. He even canceled a training session a couple of days ago. Since when does he pass up the opportunity to torture me through exercise? The situation is making me so nervous I’ve resorted to subterfuge for information.

  “Nessa, have you seen Lewis?”

  Trilling laughter erupts from the other end of the line. “Dang it, Zach. I said don’t tickle me when I’m on the phone. I have to talk to Gen.”

  Those two need to get a room already.

  “Sorry.” Her voice gentles. “Lewis is with Mira. I thought you heard. She’s been gambling away her earnings. She’s three months behind o
n rent and owes a shitload of money to some loan shark.”

  “What?”

  “Yeah, we were all shocked. I mean, everyone works in or around the casinos, the temptation is there. I guess Mira gave in. Lewis is trying to get her help, but she’s being a pain in the ass about it. Last I heard they were at his place.”

  This is why I haven’t seen Lewis? Why would he keep this from me?

  Part of commitment is sharing and this seems almost dishonest. Unless he thinks I’m not strong enough to shoulder some of the burden?

  The last time he saw me, I passed out after discovering my real father. So yeah, maybe he does. In my defense, I’d slept a cumulative six hours the previous two days, between taking care of Cali and working, but he didn’t know the details.

  “Lewis doesn’t complain about Mira’s issues, but we all know what he’s had to put up with …” Her voice trails off. “Gen, I thought you and he—I thought you guys were …”

  “I thought we were too, but he hasn’t said anything about this.”

  “I don’t know what’s up with that, but he’s dealing with a lot. Give him time, okay? He’s a good guy.”

  I don’t even know where Lewis lives, which is kind of disturbing and brings back memories of my last relationship and the omissions in the A-hole’s stories. But I’m not going to compare Lewis to my ex.

  Lewis cares about me and I’m his girlfriend. I’ll go to him. “What’s Lewis’s address, Nessa?”

  The cabin I pull up to is small, tucked away among tall pines, and new, with traditional pitched construction. The shape is a perfect triangle with a barn-red metal roof and logs stacked below the front porch. A heap of gravel sits off to the side, along with wood two-by-fours peeking out beneath a tarp, as if someone stopped after the house completion and everything else, the yard, the foundation—for a garage?—was left unfinished. The home is quaint, yet rugged, a perfectly charming bachelor pad. One I didn’t know existed.

  I park beside Lewis’s Jeep and walk up the three steps to his porch. The sun has set, the sky nearly dark. Lights illuminate the interior, providing a nice view of the downstairs through picture windows lining the front of the house. Mira is in the kitchen facing me, but she doesn’t seem to notice I’m here. Lewis sits across from her at a small kitchen island. One of the windows is open and the sound of their conversation floats out.

  “That was not my fault, Lewis,” Mira says while whisking something in a bowl. “You decided to go all responsible tribal member. You knew the guys and I had plans to ditch the meeting. That bonfire was legend.”

  Lewis reaches across the counter and plucks something from her cutting board, popping it in his mouth. “You could have started a forest fire.”

  I should knock, but I can’t. It’s like watching a butterfly emerge from a cocoon. Some part of me knows I’m witnessing something that will give me insight into them, and I can’t disrupt the moment.

  “Not possible. It’s in the blood, my pure native blood. We indigenous know the land like the back of our hand.” She drags the words out in a playful way. I didn’t know Mira possessed a sense of humor.

  Lewis snorts and Mira tosses a lump of something white and powdery at his head. I can’t see the expression on his face, but she laughs—and it’s beautiful. So light and carefree. Her smile lights up the room, turning her stunning face into something magical.

  I’ve never seen Mira this way. She’s never happy. But being alone with Lewis transforms her. She’s cooking for him by the looks of it, no signs of depression or financial distress weighing down her features.

  Lewis leans over the counter and Mira runs her fingers through his hair for him, removing the white powder. He shifts slightly and I catch the side of his face. He’s grinning, his gaze on her pure affection.

  I feel like I’m intruding and that’s—not right.

  Mira was in distress, but she’s clearly not now, yet Lewis is spending time with her instead of his girlfriend whom he hasn’t seen in almost a week. And after we made love for the first time? Is this how it’s going to be—me competing with Mira for his time? I just want to be important to him.

  Why didn’t he tell me what was going on in his life?

  This isn’t right. None of it. My stomach constricts and I press my arm against the knot that formed. I step back, trip over a piece of outdoor furniture, and stumble down the stairs. The rush of blood in my ears drowns out all sound as I hurtle toward my car.

  He’s says she’s like a sister, but in this moment, I see the man I love making another woman his priority while I’m left on the outside.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Cali’s lying above Jaeger on the couch like he is the couch when I open the front door.

  She smiles briefly from her cozy spot on top of her boyfriend and then her eyes widen. “What’s wrong?” She pops up and Jaeger sits up beneath her, turning down the volume on the television.

  “You were right.” I dump my purse on the kitchen counter and open the fridge, wonder what I’m doing because the thought of food makes me nauseous, and slam it shut.

  Cali stands next to the counter, arms loose at her sides. Jaeger stares from the edge of the couch, his face tense with concern.

  “I saw them together.”

  Cali’s eyes scrunch in confusion. “Who?”

  “Lewis and Mira.”

  “You saw them—having sex?”

  “What? No. They were hanging out, but he kept so much from me. He’s been lying to me—omitting—I don’t know. Nessa told me Mira is wanted by some loan shark. When Lewis didn’t call, I went over.”

  “Mira is what?” Cali glances at Jaeger. “Gen, what are you talking about? You’re not making sense.”

  Cali’s confused. I’m confused.

  What I saw didn’t look like a woman with debt and stress. And Lewis didn’t seem like he was worried for her. They appeared as if everything was okay. But if things are okay, why hasn’t he been by? What happened to us?

  “Did you talk to him?”

  “No … I ran.”

  Cali sighs deeply.

  I brush off her censure. “You said so yourself, I should stay away from him. I’ll never be as important to him as she is.”

  She leans her hip against the counter. “We’ve established that I don’t know as much as I think I do when it comes to relationships.”

  “You picked Jaeger and he’s the ideal boyfriend.”

  “Thanks, Gen.” Jaeger grins from the couch.

  Cali shakes her head at him. “Not helping.” She turns to me. “I got it right with Jaeger, but not before deep soul-searching and a painful learning curve. Look Gen, I was wrong to get involved in your love life and to tell you who to date. Please don’t think I know what’s best. Talk to Lewis. Find out the truth before you ruin something that could be good.”

  “Now he’s good for me?”

  She shrugs. “Well, I didn’t understand his thing with Mira at first, but he seems committed to you.”

  “No, he never settles down. This won’t work.”

  “You said he called you his girlfriend. If he doesn’t settle down, why would he do that? Lewis doesn’t come across as insincere to me.”

  I clench my teeth. I have no answer for that and I’m not ready to see reason, even if what she says makes sense. He could have called and told me he was having dinner with Mira—to support her, or whatever—but he didn’t. He left me on the outside, figuratively. Literally.

  He’s a good guy, this person who’s there for his friends and who’s a hard worker. But in the end, what’s left for a relationship? What’s left for me?

  Not enough.

  Cali reaches out and I walk past her into the bedroom—to find my mom asleep in my bed.

  I swear under my breath. I’m having a crisis, so of course my mother is here to add to the burden.

  Changing quietly, I ease under the covers, trying to get my breathing to calm and my mind to stop spinning. Tears sneak out and I squeeze
my eyes shut.

  Lewis cares for me, I know he does, but it hurts to be left on the outside. I don’t want to feel guilty or wrong for wanting more than he seems willing to give. Yet, I love him and I don’t want to let him go.

  It’s all so complicated.

  My mother touches my arm. She scoots closer and I quickly wipe my face. “What happened?” she asks in a voice more awake than I expected.

  “Nothing.”

  “Gen, don’t shut me out because I made a mistake. It was a large one, granted, but I’m always here for you. I’m in this lumpy, cramped bed with godawful sheets. If that’s not a testament to love, I don’t know what is.”

  I chuckle. She’s right. For her, this is roughing it. “I picked the wrong guy. Again.”

  “You care for him?”

  I don’t answer. I can’t. I’m working too hard at ignoring the pain in my abdomen.

  My mother sighs and curls around me. I fall asleep like that, embraced by her. It’s the first time in a very long time she’s given me unsolicited, nonjudgmental comfort—and I need it.

  A sound disrupts my sleep. It takes me a minute to figure out where I am. I glance at my mom lying next to me. She makes a mewing sound and rolls in her sleep, taking the covers with her. It must have been her snoring that woke me.

  I close my eyes and turn on my side, but the sound comes again. A tapping—not my mother. From the window?

  What the hell?

  I crawl out of bed and pull aside the drape.

  Lewis stands outside the window. He points to the front door and I nod.

  I grab a sweatshirt and quietly exit the room. The house is dead silent. I have no idea what time it is, but it must be after one in the morning because no one’s awake, not even Tyler, and he stays up late.

  I unbolt the lock and open the door. Lewis is leaning against the porch post, body facing the driveway, his gaze on me. My stomach flutters.

  This reaction to him has always been a nuisance, and now is no different. “Hey.”